The Ones Who Are Lost Still Wait

Look out, it's a three-player RP! Terri, Maer and Andy.

***

Evening - June 19, 2521
In Flight to Blue Sun
Lounge of the Summer's Gift

Joshua sat on a couch in the lounge of the Gift, pad and pencil in hand. He was sketching, from memory, one of the times he had borrowed (former?) pop sensation Gareth Lin. Under the quick motions of his pencil, the picture of a packed to the brim auditorium filled with screaming fans was starting to appear. He had sat down this evening with the intention of drawing whatever came to mind. He had found it was a good way to get his subconscious to speak to him. However, there were times like this that he had no idea what his subconscious was trying to tell him.

He continued sketching, focusing in tight on his work. As he did so, unaware of what he was doing, he started to sing softly one of Gareth's catchier songs entitled “I Lost My Lady to the Underground”.

***

Nika paused in the doorway to the lounge, heading for the galley for coffee, and chuckled softly. "You know... that particular tune is singularly appropriate just now, I suppose." She propped her shoulder on the hatch's jamb, the cup held loosely in her hand. "Whatcha doin'?"

***

Joshua visibly started as Nika walked into the doorway. "I think I lost 4 years off my life there. I'm usually not that focused in." He shook his head in amazement then paused as what she said caught up with him. "Wait, was I singing? What was I singing?" But even as he asked it, he could hear himself singing in his head.

Seriously?

His subconscious must really be doing a number on him. Did he miss borrowing? Music? Or was his subconscious suggesting some sort of weird sexual stalker thing between him and Gareth? His subconscious was one weird piece of work, to be sure. He couldn't rule the possibility out. Well, maybe he could. But still.

***

She laughed, remaining in her relaxed pose. "I don't think I've ever heard you sing before, Joshua," Nika said mildly. "Didn't realize you could, actually." She watched him thoughtfully and asked, "Are you okay?" It looked sort of like the singing was an issue of some kind.

***

Joshua waved her off casually. "I'm fine. Just didn't realize I was singing. Guess I miss music from the Cortex more than I realized I did." He stood up, pencil and pad in hand and walked past Nika into the galley. "Let me fix a new pot, Nika. The current batch is hideous."

As he pulled out the coffee and filters, he said, "Singing is part of the training at Blue Sun. But I like it anyway. I borrowed Gareth Lin, you know." He said it casually, only partially trying to show off a little. He had so little of his former life that he could show off that he probably overplayed the few chances he could.

***

Nika looked suitably impressed. "Wow... do I want to know why he needed a doppelganger?" she asked as she followed him into the kitchen. "It sounds like that particular run might have been a lot of fun. Did you enjoy it?" She is curious about the faces he's taken before.

***

"It was a tremendous amount of fun." As he got everything in place, he dumped the old pot of coffee into the sink. "Would you mind rinsing that out?" he asked Nika as he handed her the pot. He started to prep the machine and his mind wandered back to the concert. "He was one of the good guys. I'd meet him beforehand, and he'd prep me on his concert plan. He just had more credits than he could shake a stick at and needed a break from the concert routine without actually breaking. So he'd call in Human Resources. I got to sing in front of thousands and thousands of people, Nika. I'll never get to do that again." He was lost in the memory now, filters still in his hand instead of in the coffee machine.

***

Setting her cup on the counter, Nika took the pot and proceeded to rinse it out. As she listened to him, she wondered to herself how someone could justify having someone else live their life just because they were tired of it. And she couldn't help the idle thought aloud, "You know... it seems like taking a break would be easy enough to schedule in a case like that. But I can see where it would be an amazing experience for you."

***

"I'm sure he was probably off doing drugs. Or women. Or women doing drugs. Or something else that he wanted to keep secret from the press of people that followed him everywhere." Joshua remembered getting pushed and crowded around by the fans, the press, even the bodyguards. Hard way to live a life, he thought. Although he was sure that millions of credits helped make it easier.

He shook his head and snapped out of the memory. He put the coffee machine back in working order with new filters and coffee and waited for Nika to finish with the pot. "Back then, I didn't think it was odd that someone would want to step out of their life. After all, that's all I ever did...step out of my life."

***

Nika nodded slightly and handed him the washed-out pot, leaning her hips back against the counter. "Strange way to live a life," she observed casually. It was not a judgment of Joshua. She is simply commenting on the state of things. "I suppose there is a niche market for everything, though."

***

He took the pot from her and got the coffee going. A few minutes and they would have some decent coffee instead of the leftover sludge from the morning. He pushed himself up onto the counter with both hands, and took a seat right next to the bubbling pot. "Every life's normal until you look at it from the outside, I guess."

It was quiet for a moment. Joshua found himself wanting to tell Nika about the things he had found on his chip. He had told himself that he was going to keep it secret. From everyone. But he kept getting odd bursts of excitement where he'd be almost dancing because of excitement about the info. Or he'd think about it and his gut would twist up into knots. Or worse of all, he'd be working, fixing breakfast or lunch, and he would just be inexplicably sad, like he had lost something important or someone close. He was beginning to think he wasn't going to be able to keep it a secret.

***

Nika tilted her head. Her sense of Joshua was getting fine-tuned enough by now that she could read him better than she'd been able to read Rick for most of the time he'd been aboard. The thought made her stomach twist in regret. He'd given his life ... and she knew little more about him now than she had when he came aboard. Only that he was a good man. She pushed the thought away and commented wryly, "I suppose that's true. After all, look at ours. From the outside, we look like most people's idea of a cargo hack. Only from the inside do you find out most of us are flat-out insane, and those that aren't insane have more secrets than you can shake a stick at. Oh, and usually people chasing them." She nudged him with her shoulder. "What is it?"

***

The simple nudge was like permission to talk; like Nika saying it was stupid to keep secrets. Was he reading too much into it? Maybe he wanted to tell someone so bad that any sign would work. But he wasn't sure he cared either. While he felt oddly guilty telling Nika first, it wasn't like he was planning on NOT telling Rina, he told himself. "I found some info on the chip, Nika. I hadn't told anyone yet."

***

Her head tilted, blue eyes sharpening on him. "Something... bad?" Nika asked carefully. She was trying to see if this was bad news or good news without jumping to conclusions. It was hard -- so much of their stuff was bad news lately. "Or is it something we need to check out as soon as we can?"

***

Joshua shook his head violently to her last suggestion. "What we need is to keep getting jobs. Saving some credits. When I'm ready to go, I'll hire us to take me there." He kept getting distracted from the point, hesistant to say it out loud, like voicing the words would cause the knowledge to disappear. He took a deep breath. "My parents have names, Nika. And I have a brother or sister somewhere out there."

***

Nika raised her eyebrows and stated flatly, "You certainly will not." There would be no arguing with her on that one. Hadn't they talked about this some weeks ago? The idea that when a member of the crew needed something, it happened. They made it happen. "When you're ready and we're secure enough, we'll see about getting cargo or passengers or both heading in the direction we need to go." Her tone softened. "I think that's amazing, Joshua -- you let me know when you're ready to handle it."

***

"I don't know if they're alive." He fidgeted on the counter. "In fact, I'm pretty sure my father's dead. I found a fragment that said he got transferred to Miranda Colony." As he said it out loud, his voice caught in his throat and he could feel tears welling up. How could he possibly be crying?

"Why am I so sad for someone I never knew, Nika?" His voice had dropped to a whisper, wavering. He felt so stupid, crying in front of Nika over the equivalent of some data bits on a screen. Halfway corrupt data bits, for that matter. But yet here he was, in his galley, potentially letting the coffee burn while he wept for a father that he had never known he had.

***

Thursday, 19 Jun 2521
Kuiper II class, Summer’s Gift
En route to Highgate
2041hrs, ship’s time

I showed up for dinner on time and ate whatever Joshua put in front of me, but my mind wasn't on it. I'd finished up my duties early so I could work on the timeline a little more before turning in and eating was just taking me away from it. However, Joshua knew about my latest obsession and I didn't want to give him reason to worry. So I showed up, got some food down my gullet, and lingered over coffee afterward before making my escape, taking my coffee with me.

A couple of hours later, I sipped the dregs from my cup and noticed the time. Grimacing at both it and the coffee, I gave my project a last look-over before quitting my quarters for a fresh cup.

I'm done here. I can't take it any further. I need more data.

I also needed some fresh air. Or at least, what passed for it on a ship such as ours. Crew quarters were narrow and though the ceilings were regulation height, it didn't take long for one person to heat up the space to shirtsleeve temps. Or even higher. I stood in a tank and bike shorts and debated covering up. We did have a passenger aboard and there was still Kiera with her itchy scalpel. I had no doubt there were tons of mistakes on me she'd love to fix. And a ton of questions to go with that I really didn't want to answer.

With a cringe at the thought of her going to town on me, I pulled on some cargoes and put up with the extra weight on my skin. It wasn't as unbearable as it has been on Muir, far from it, and I quit my quarters in my bare feet. I was only going to the galley for some coffee, I reasoned, and not approaching anything particularly dangerous. If the knives stayed in their block and I didn't spill any java on the deck, I should be fine.

Voices drifted down the corridor from the galley and I instantly identified Joshua's tenor and Nika's contralto. I slowed and listened in to determine if I should walk in or get that coffee later.

I heard Joshua mention his parents, the fact that he had a sibling, that his father was most likely dead. And as I stood rooted to the deck with that information going through my head, I heard Nika deliver her promise in a tone that brooked no argument and her soft rejoinder.

That's your cue. Walk on.

***

Nika winced, her movement instinctive as she wrapped her arms around the man. "Because you did know him, Joshua.... even if it was only for a small amount of time and you don't remember it, you did know him." She glanced toward the door to see Rina entering, but she continued softly for Joshua, "And because you regret the fact that if he is gone, so too are all the possibilities he embodies. To learn him. It's okay to be sad."

***

"She's right, you know," I said, slipping across the threshold and reaching around Joshua for the coffee pot. There were the both of them in there and it was a tight squeeze and I was sharply aware just what sort of view my tank top offered him when I stretched for that coffee, but there was nothing for it. The galley was what it was and we were where we were. I got my cup and moved back to lean against the stove. “You’re family now. When you’re ready, ask. We’ll be here.”

***

Through the tears, he understood that Nika was exactly right - he couldn't kill someone because of their lost possibilities. Why shouldn't he mourn for what his father could've been to him? He felt anger and sadness and a bundle of emotions blow through him all at once and it was all he could do not to scream in frustration and sadness. Instead, he started to sing - another Gareth Lin tune, one that was probably least like his regular meaningless pop catalog - a soft song entitled "The Ones Who Are Lost Still Wait." As he worked his way through the first set of lyrics, his tenor voice occasionally struggling with some of the deeper pieces, he could feel some of the sadness getting pulled away.

That was maybe what his subconscious had been trying to tell him, he thought. Or maybe he was the crazy person that the person outside looking in thought he was. But he didn't care, Not a single little bit.

***

Nika held him a long moment, and then released him. She reached for her cup, poured herself some coffee, and listened to Joshua find a song that suited him. Though she herself wasn't a huge fan of Gareth Lin, she could appreciate the song lyrics in question. And it actually made her heart ache a little because 'lost' didn't always mean dead... sometimes people were 'lost' just because they weren't in your life anymore. So with that song ringing in her head, Nika simply ruffled Joshua a bit and smiled at him, slipping out of the galley. Rina was there, and she knew the two had a relationship that was closer. Perhaps he'd talk to her, perhaps not. But Nika would give him a little space to handle his sadness without her hovering. "I'll be on the bridge." Of course.

***

I kept my eyes on the deck when Joshua started to sing, understanding his need for privacy in a crowded room but unable to make myself move when the lyrics rolled out of him.

The ones who are lost still wait
For moments that might have been
Lost by choice or fate
Til love brings them home again

I barely noticed Nika leave, wasn’t much aware of anything but the song reverberating through me and ripping open everything I’d thought had healed over. My family on Sihnon, Omar, Wallin’s gang on Drakkar, Christian and Lem, … and Mike. I had to put the coffee on the counter or risk dropping it, and wrapped my arms around my gut and ached for everyone I missed who wasn’t there. I wasn’t given much to homesickness or maudlin show but damned if that song didn’t pull both out of me.

Done more crying this past year than the entire past decade. What the hell is wrong with me?

Miranda, whispered my memory. It started there with Harry’s innocent comment, took form in my fever dreams and was carried forward by my choice when we lifted off. At the time I thought only to break through my isolation, to replace my self-defeating habits with healthier ones. Before Miranda, I would have left Joshua well enough alone, would never have gotten involved. And now? I didn’t know what to think or do with myself at moments like these. I really didn’t. I hated the uncertainty, the struggle to make my way through the tangled web of relationships, the need for companionship and solitude fighting for supremacy. I hated most of all how I wasn’t free to hug Joshua because he and I had boundaries to maintain now that we were no longer lovers. I was hurt and disappointed and frustrated as hell. And thanks to Miranda and the choices I’d made, I could no longer fall back on my old standby—work—to weather the pain.

The ones who are lost still wait, this is true.
But what can you do
When one of the lost is you?
The one who you lost is you?

***

The song came to an end - Joshua stretched the last note out until it finally trailed off and the galley was quiet again. He could feel Rina's presence behind him. He turned around to apologize and she was softly sobbing. He just quietly stepped forward and took her into a hug. No words were necessary.

***

Joshua’s arms gathered me up and held me close and we rocked in the silence of the galley. He’d ceased singing but the words still rolled through me and as had happened that sweltering night on Muir, as on one bone-chilling night on Salisbury, something inside me broke and fell away.

The ones who are lost still wait
For moments that might have been
Lost by choice or fate
Til love brings them home again

I was home. I’d always been. I’d carried it inside me all this time. It had just taken me this long to walk through the door. All I needed now was people to fill it. I already had a good start. My crew. My ship. Christian. Lem. Joshua. The only person missing was Mike. I knew where he was. We were travelling as fast as we could to get there. It only remained to be seen if he was still alive to cross the threshold and be welcomed in. I hoped so. God, I hoped so. But the outcome was out of my hands for now. All I could do was wait. But I wouldn’t be doing it alone.

I was home. And it was enough.

***

Go back to: Timeline Season Four, April 2521 to Dec 2521

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