Twilight
November in this area of Boros is cold. When the ship first landed and for the first couple of days after everyone was released from the hospital, a dusting of snow had covered the rolling prairies of the Circle E. It wasn't so bad that the work of the ranch stopped, though. And the hubbub of activity was interesting as hands corralled and checked livestock, settling them into pastures closer to the homestead for easier care during the upcoming winter.
Nala Johannsen and her husband welcomed the crew with open arms, though the arrival of a ship not the Gift surprised them a little. Still, for the most part, they didn't pry too hard into the details. Nala managed to get as much of an explanation as she felt she required from Joshua, but her attention was on the running of the ranch itself and keeping a very close eye on her twin. She was leaner of muscle than her sister but slightly rounder, softer of face with a pair of cobalt blue eyes and her shoulder-length blond hair was streaked with white-blond sun streaks from a life lived outdoors. She'd laughed a little at Joshua's initial shock over the twinship, but in the days that the crew had been all together on the grounds again, she'd shown enough similarities to her sister to make him feel comfortable. And he'd apparently impressed her enough that she sought him out specifically and pointed him toward the south side of the house. "You need to talk to her or you're going to lose her, Joshua."
Nika sat on the south side of the house in a swing hung on the huge wraparound porch. She had one of Nala's shawls wrapped around her shoulders and she was idly swinging the seat with one foot, her face turned upward toward the stars that were just beginning to appear through the twilight. Though the skin around her eyes was healing nicely, the whites were still bloodshot, and those incredible ice-blue irises saw nothing of the vista before her. Her long hair was loose, as if she couldn't be bothered to take the time to braid it ... or even brush it this morning. She couldn't know at this moment how very forlorn she looked, sitting there staring into the distance that she could no longer perceive.
---
Joshua buried himself a little deeper in the warm jacket that Nala had provided for him. He would've thought after the cold of Meadow's taiga that he would be used to cold by now. But instead, he felt it even more, as if the Russian winter had left a permanent scar. Nala's concern had him worried. He hadn't had as much contact with Nika as he would've liked since they landed. There had been the hospital stay at first. Then for him, starting to inventory and document the ship. Nika had Arden spending a lot of time looking at her eyes. When Arden didn't have her, Nika had been spending most of her time with Nala and her family, which Joshua had thought was a good thing. And it was probably was. But now he was beginning to realize he had let her get too isolated from the crew.
He had just finished the thought when he turned the corner and as he saw her there on the swing, Joshua's heart nearly broke. It was her hair that did it for him, he realized. She had always, in his time with the crew, treated it like a prized possession. And now it was like it didn't even matter.
He walked over to stand by the side of the swing. "Is there room on that swing for your XO?"
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The sound of his footsteps brought her eyes away from the sky and she looked toward him as if she could see his approach though her eyes remained without expression. Nika rearranged her features even as she turned, creating a faint smile for him. "Sure. Always have time for you, Joshua. Take a load off." She stopped the swing with her foot and scooted a little to allow him room to join her on the bench seat. "How goes the inventory of the ship?"
---
His voice slipped into XO mode. "Everything is going smoothly. Rina has the engine room headed towards her exacting specifications and Kiera's volunteered her time to help to get the passenger quarters sorted out." After, of course, she was done selling as much product as she could to the residents of the ranch. "When we figure out exactly where we need to go, Captain, we'll be ready."
---
Nika nodded slowly. "Good of her," she said neutrally. "I'm sure when Arden works out where it is he wants to go, he'll let you know." As far as stepping back went, it wasn't terribly subtle she supposed. "We need to send a message to Christian, let him know what happened. Have him register the new ship." She paused. "I think you should put the word out that you're looking for a pilot."
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"Sure, letting Christian know is a good thing, and..." As his brain caught up with what she was saying, Joshua trailed off in surprise. Put the word out for a pilot? He knew Nala was serious but he hadn't let himself really believe it. "Excuse me? Our pilot is sitting right next to me on this porch swing."
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"Your pilot is blind, Joshua," Nika corrected in a flat tone. "And it's likely to be that way for a time to come. We're dead broke and whatever might be done to salvage anything of my vision is gonna cost an arm and a leg." She paused and said softly, "And I ain't putting the crew in hock for it." Her jaw clenched tightly, her face turning from him toward the darkening landscape. "You're a decent pilot, but it's not your strongest talent. I think you should see about getting some help."
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"Don't you mean we should see about getting some help?" he said, his tone accusing. That was the second time she had deliberately chosen not to include herself in a decision. "And I don't care what it costs, Nika. You've always told me that when the crew needs something, we find a way to make it happen. That's not changing."
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Nika was quiet for a long time. "And if we put ourselves in hock to go to some eye specialist and they can't do a gorram thing for me, Joshua? What then? You going to keep fighting to keep me aboard?" She turned those unseeing eyes toward him once more. "I'm no good to you as a pilot. You going to keep a blind captain around? For what?" she challenged softly. "What the hell use am I to anyone this way? Seriously? I have to be led around by the hand everywhere I go. You think anyone's going to take us seriously under those conditions? I guarantee you, we'll get screwed eighty ways if they realize your captain's blind -- they'll assume you're just plain stupid for allowing that weakness. Or they'll assume you're the captain and just hiding behind a figurehead. I don't want to be a figurehead on this crew."
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"Look, I'm happy to take over the captain's duties until we get you fixed up." In truth, he already had. He found himself feeling very comfortable in the leadership role and it made him a little nervous and more than a little guilty. But it was only temporary, Joshua reminded himself. "If it takes us going to every eye specialist in the Core, then we'll do it. If we have to break into Blue Sun's medical research facility, then we'll do it. Whatever it takes. But you're my family, Nika. I don't want you on board as a figurehead. I want you on board because I love you and I don't plan to give up on you." Or letting you give up on yourself, either.
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"You're doing a fine job," Nika told him sincerely. "You asked me to mentor you, but... I'm thinking you don't really need it, Joshua." Her blue eyes don't track properly even as she looks at him. They don't move to take in his face, they simply stare blankly at a fixed spot, unfocused. "I don't know how to be on the ship and not be doing something. That's almost worse than being grounded. Seriously. How do you see this playing out? Do you honestly think I'm going to be anything but a liability out there? As much trouble as follows us around, I can't see to assess a situation, I sure as hell can't fly or shoot. What possible use am I to you out there?"
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"I'm not being overly optimistic when I say I expect that we're going to have those eyes fixed quickly. At that point, you're going to go right back to being our pilot. And our Captain." He wished he could make her understand it wasn't about being useful to the crew, it was about how the crew could be useful to her. "We can find ways for you to be useful in the meantime. You'll learn how to make your way around the Exeter."
He paused, staring at those unfocused eyes staring at him. It felt like not only had the sight left them, but the spirit had vacated the premises too. He took her hand and squeezed it. "Do you remember when I first came on board?"
---
He could find ways for her to be useful. The bitterness that welled up in her guts was a flood of acid. So very much of her entire adult identity was tied to that skill, and he didn't seem to get it. The anguish, the loss, the soul-deep despair that was sucking her in... it wasn't in Nika to articulate it. It just sounded like a bunch of maudlin crap to her, but the darkness that she now inhabited was not infinite in the same way the Black was. Instead it was like slowly suffocating inside a bubble whose boundaries were infinite and there were no landmarks. No planetary masses, no gas giants, no stars. No life. It was crushing her, and it was taking everything she had to come out of that bedroom every day and at least attempt to interact with Kevin, with Nala, with Larry, with the crew. To not crack under the strain, hide under the bed, and turn into a howling madwoman.
"What in particular am I remembering?" Nika asked him, her voice giving none of the tsunami of emotions away.
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Joshua audibly gasped as the waves of depression rolled off her, slamming into his brain. He was working hard to adapt to taking his drugs less frequently. Boros didn't have a large supply and he had a vague idea of someday being able to survive without them. But raw, intense emotion like what Nika was feeling at this moment? It battered his defenses like the wind of a tropical storm against a city's levees.
"Sorry, Nika, one second." He took some deep breaths and let himself fall into a Aikido meditative ritual for a minute. As he did so, he looked out into the plains. Away from Nika and those eyes. When he felt a little calmer, he turned himself back around towards her again. "I can't truly ever *understand* what you're feeling...but I am feeling it right now. I can't help it. The intensity of it threatens to overwhelm me and I'm feeling it from a distance. I'm asking you to remember that this is only temporary. More than that, I'm asking you to let us help you, to lean on us. To lean on me. When I first came on board, I was feeling lost and hopeless. You helped me hold strong until I found my way. Let us help you hold strong for the short while until we get you fixed and you're flying for us again. Hell, if you're willing to step up, you can fly for us now. I said it before. I trust you flying blind more than I trust most sighted pilots, and that includes me."
---
She should have remembered his sensitivity. In all that he always tried not to read people closest to him, Nika has always been aware of Joshua's tendency to react to moods powerfully. And without his meds. Shi. And it just made her feel worse to realize that he could feel it with her. His kindness threatened to send into the morass of horrible fear and rage. "Don't," Nika told him in a tight voice, withdrawing her hand from his and pulling the shawl tighter around her shoulders, hunching into it. Tears sparkled immediately on her lashes and she looked away from him toward the darkness of the prairie beyond the porch as night fell. Her gaze unerringly turned skyward in spite of the fact that she could see nothing, seeking some kind of solace from it and not finding it.
"I don't know how to let you help me right now. I don't know how to not be overwhelmed by all of this. It takes everything I have to get out of bed, Joshua -- I don't know if I can stand to even try to make decisions for the rest of you," she said in a low voice. "All of this -- every bit of it -- is my fault. When I signed onto the Gift, it was supposed to be to keep an eye on Potemkin's brother. To keep him out of trouble as much as to make sure Josef's cargo got where it needed to go. The fact that I changed my mind about Ivan, the fact that they were both pigs.... I chose to fight back. I talked to the rest of them and we rallied... and we killed the man's brother as sure as if one of us pulled the trigger. I could have warned him that the crate he was near was the rigged one. I guess on some levels maybe I deserve this."
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"You would call me bull on me if I let myself take all the guilt on a situation. Hell, you *have* read me the riot act before about that. I'm not about to let you do it now. " His voice was firm and commanding, stating simple facts. "I told Rina the other day that it was all MY fault, because I was the one that pushed Kiera into betraying us. So now there are two of us saying we're 100% responsible. And that's not counting Rina saying that it was her fault and Kiera's, you know, actual betrayal. Not enough blame to go around, it seems." Was there ever enough with this crew? Everyone wanted to take the blame on their shoulders. One of the things Joshua loved about them.
"Okay," he said quietly, "let me make the decisions for a while and in the meantime, we'll figure out how to get you flying again until your eyes get healed up. I've forbidden Rina to mess with the SmartShip technology. So let's put her to work getting the bridge instrument panels to speak their readings on your voice command. Given that, you could probably fly on feel alone." Rina'd love the chance to toy around with the panels, he thought, and it would keep her away from all the other shiny problems she's chomping at the bit to mess with.
Joshua continued on, "Let's hire JJ to fly with us to be your assistant. He can help you with the things you need and you can teach him what it means to be part of a crew. Even if he doesn't stay on board after your eyes get fixed, it'd be good experience and training for him. And I'm sure there are more things that we can do to help. But you have to meet me halfway, Nika. You're as tough as they come. Use that and we'll fly you through the darkness until you can see the light again."
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Reaching up to rub her useless eyes, Nika forced herself to listen to him. "I'm not giving up. I just... need a little time. If you... " She grimaced and pulled her head up again. "I'll do whatever you want me to, Joshua. I don't .... " She bites her lip. "The Gift wasn't home. You guys are home. And I just need some time to figure out how I fit. I don't.... I really don't see, can't see --" the irony of that is not lost on her, "-- at this moment how I'm going to be anything but a liability."
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"We've got time, Nika, I don't want to push you too hard." Which was true. He didn't want push Nika too hard like he did Kiera. But if he pushed too lightly he might lose her to depression. How the hell did Companions do what they did? He was feeling grossly underqualified for this.
Joshua wanted to explain to her that it was okay to be a liability for a while. The crew would take care of her. But he instinctively knew the very idea of that would freak Nika out. So he moved in a different direction. "I have faith, Nika. It always seems to come back to that with me. But I have faith that things will work out the way they're supposed to. I'm not asking you to have faith in that. But instead, have faith in your crew. Have faith in yourself. You're not going to be blind forever. And I have faith in you that until that point comes soon when you can see again , you're not going to just survive. You're going to find a way to excel."
As he finished, he gave her a huge hug, trying to convey how much she meant to him. As he held her close, he whispered in her ear, "The first pilot to fly a mid bulk transport blind? That's the kind of challenge the Nika Earhart I know couldn't turn down."
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And in truth, Nika was already so freaked out that it was a miracle that she hadn't already run off to the nearest town to just throw herself into the night life. Or rather.... it wasn't a miracle because she couldn't gorram well see to get there! His faith, strangely, gave her just enough of a nudge away from the edge that when he hugged her though she tensed in his hands she hugged back. And then she actually laughed softly into his shoulder even while tears soaked the jacket. "I'm not even sure I could fly a mid-bulk transport when I could see. She flies like a gorram whale," she retorted on a watery chuckle.
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He laughed. "Well, didn't you always say the Gift flew like a brick? You're upgrading from brick to whale!" He let go of the hug but still held her by one shoulder, using the other hand to wipe a tear away. "It's going to be okay, Nika," he said simply. "You've got two families, one dirtside and one shipside, to stand by you."
Joshua then stood up, taking one of Nika's hands in his. "Time to go inside and get warm. Dinner's bound to be served soon. If not, they might find me making it myself. Wanna come with me to make sure I don't make any permanent enemies in your family's kitchen?"
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Letting him take her hand and tug her to her feet, Nika swallowed hard. She sucked in a deep breath and blew it out slowly, making sure she had the despair packed down deep. "Yeah... c'mon. Nala doesn't much like people mucking about in her kitchen. It's where she goes to pound her frustrations out in the bread dough sometimes." She grins a little. "That and she's got a bottle of Brimstone hiding under the sink for when Larry really torques her jaw." She bit her lip, reaching up with her free hand to absently brush at her hair a bit. "I should get cleaned up for dinner anyway." Not because she honestly has a care for what she looks like right now... but because it's yet another way to hide what she's feeling and she knows it.
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"Me too," he replied. He could still feel the darkness in her. Not even counting his reader abilities, it would've been hard to hide from a well trained observer like himself. But he didn't say anything more as he and Nika walked back along the porch to the house entrance. Pushing anymore would likely have the opposite effect from what he intended. Or wanted. But he promised himself that he was going to make sure Nika had an active role in the revamping of the bridge controls. Hopefully, it would help her realize that the crew needed her just as much as ever.
To read more on Nika and Joshua, go to Nika's Crew Page or Joshua's Crew Page
Go back to: Timeline Season Four, April 2521 to Dec 2521
