Forgotten Freedom:45

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The epic thumb war between Kanatash and Sa'vor rages on. The battle is brutal with numerous close calls on each side. Sa'vor brings to bare his superhuman strength and his cunning mind upon Kanatash while Kanatash counters Sa'vor's brawn with his equally, or perhaps even more, keen mind and an unpredictability that can only come from one so closely linked to Xoriat. The pitched battle continues and seems to be a stalemate, with neither side able to make any lasting gains until suddenly Kanatash's one minute per day of corporeality comes to an end and he returns to his incorporeal state.

Sa'vor: Ha! You are unable to continue, so I win by default.

Kanatash: Now just wait a second...

Sa'vor: If you wanted to make a provision for this you should have said so before we began.

Kanatash: Humph! (begins sulking)

Sa'vor: (rubbing his hands together) Now captain, I believe we have some business to attend to.

Jarlot: [SIZE=1]whimper...[/SIZE]

Kanatash: (an evil smile suddenly spreading across his face) Just a moment, I just had an idea that could let us have the best of both worlds.

Sa'vor: I don't think so. You're not going to screw me out of this, I won fair and square.

Kanatash: Trust me, this is good.

Sa'vor: Give me one good reason why I should trust you.

Kanatash: If I screw you here you are sure to get Kithle and Satnak on you side and come to get payback. I may be crazy and an Uber but I know better than to take on three Ubers at once.

Sa'vor: (mulls it over for a moment) Alright, I'm curious, go ahead.

Kanatash:  :devil: With pleasure.

Kanatash floats over to Jarlot, folds his hands together, and plunges them into Jarlot before bringing them apart. The effect this has on Jarlot can only be described as stretching. After a moment Jarlot spits into two separate Jarlots.

Jarlots: (in unison) What the **** did you just to me, him, us!

Sa'vor: Interesting. I variant of the Fission power, correct? Two independent bodies but one mind.

Kanatash: Exactly, I've argumented it to last for more or less exactly one thousand years. The best part however is that each body will independently suffer the pain we inflict but his mind will sense both at the same time.

Sa'vor: I like it. What do you suppose will happen when his two bodies recombine after I have turned one into a vampire and you have horribly mutated the other?

Kanatash:  :devil: I don't know but I think I will enjoy finding out. Shall we begin then?

Jarlots: (desperate) Wait! You can't just leave the ship without a captain for a thousand years.

Sa'vor: He has a point. Without the captain and two of us Ubers the crew and anybody else ticked off at us is sure to rip tub apart.

Kanatash: I think I have a solution to that. (tosses a small stone to Sa'vor) This is a device that will create a time dilation effect. While we spend a millenium having our fun only a few weeks will pass here.

Jarlots: (even more desperate) But you still can't leave the ship leaderless for that long!

Kanatash: (evilest smile of all) Well, since you insisted.

Kanatash opens up a small rip in space and a figure steps though it. He looks almost exactly like Jarlot except he is dressed entirely in black, has a cape, and is wearing a mask.

Kanatash: Sa'vor are you familiar with the concepts of alternate multi-universes?

Sa'vor: Passingly.

Kanatash: Basically there are an infinite number of parallel Eberrons connected to this one through Xoriat. Carlot is from one for example. This is a Jarlot from one of those universes.

Masked Jarlot: I am the Dark Knight.

Jarlots: YOU DIDN'T.

Kanatash: Actually I did.

Masked Jarlot: I AM BATMAN!

Sa'vor: That was low.

Kanatash: I know, but so was bringing Crystal on board.

Jarlots: (struggling against the combined supernatural powers of Kanatash and Sa'vor) I'LL SEE YOU BOTH KEELHAULED FOR THIS!

Kanatash: Of course you will, but it'll be worth it. Shall we?

Sa'vor: After you.

They both disappear through dimensional portals carrying a Jarlot apiece. While Bat-Jarlot begins running around the room holding his cape out behind him.

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Several new Redshirts are strutting around the lower decks with their crossbows in hand, assuming themselves to be safe now that Sa'vor is away.

Redshirt 1: Man, I can't believe it! Getting hired when that psycho vampire guy is gone. And the Captain is Batman now, too!

Redshirt 2: I know. Feels like we've got the devils luck or something.

Redshirt 3: Hey, guys. Check it out.

Further down the hall they see Terra leaning against the wall, holding a small basket and eating what appears to be an apple.

Redshirt 1:  :love: Whoa...

Redshirt 2: See, I told you we were lucky! I'm gonna go talk to her...

Terra: *looking up* The new recruits, huh? Nice to meet you.

Redshirt 2: I...uh...we...uh...um...

Redshirt 3: (whispering) Dude, you suck at picking up women...

Terra: (smiling) Heh, you're wasting your time with that. I just came down to give you guys a little gift for surviving the first night. I bet you haven't eaten since yesterday.

She tosses them each a piece of fruit from the basket.

Redshirt 1: Wow, thanks! We were just wondering where we could scrounge up some food...

Terra: Well, enjoy. If you survive, maybe I'll see you again.

Terra walks down the hall, the three watching her as they eat.

Redshirt 2: Man, I can't believe I choked! *chomp*

Redshirt 1: Seriously, that was pathetic. *munch*

Redshirt 3: *swallow* This is really good...

Redshirt 2: Yeah, but I've got some serious heartburn all of a sudden...

Redshirt 3: You know...now that you mention it...

Redshirt 1: *ghaack*...*gurgle*...*choke*

Redshirt 2: Holy crap, are you ok!

Blood starts pouring out his mouth as he clutches desperately at his throat. The other two try to help him, but are soon in the same predicament. After much convulsing, Redshirt 1's stomach explodes as a bush full of deep red flowers bursts out of him. The other two are barely able to take in what happened before the same fate befalls them. Moments later, Terra returns to the scene with Allen approaching from the other side of the hall.

Allen: Awww, man! That makes it 25 to 18! I really need to pick up the pace...

Terra: (picking the flowers) Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. Most of the new recruits are on the lookout for vampiric attacks. I'd say you're doing quite well, considering.

Allen: But still...I thought there was supposed to be some kind of test as a pretext for all the senseless slaughter. Sa'vor kept them on thier toes, and that's what I'm doing in his stead. I just can't figure out what you're up to...

Terra: I call it: The Test of Gullibility.

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A few weeks later

• A portal opens to the nether reaches*

Jarlot: AWESOME!

Jarlot 2: BEST VACATION EVER!

Kanatash: But....

Savor: That's not possible.

Kanatash: You too?

Savor: What did you use?

Kanatash: For a start I stripped him of all worldly possessions and then left him naked in the bowels of Xoriat to do be feasted upon by the larvae that existed there slowly and unearthily devoured while leaving only a Ring of Regeneration that he'd eventually pull off to beg for death....

Savor: Sounds promising....

Jarlot 1: So awesome. I had to use my BARE HANDS to kill all the larvae and they're +1/10 so they were like ten times harder to kill!

Kanatash: Eventually, I returned to find he was waiting for them to hatch because he said "I no longer get EXP for killing for them." This despite they had bitten him several thousand times.

Jarlot 1: So its a little hit point loss. I never got past death's door.

Savor: My initial plan was to stick him in a burning cauldron of boiling flaming lava in the Elemental plane of Fire. I made him a para-elemental with all the pain but none of the permanent damage with my powers then had him swim through it.

Kanatash: What happened?

Savor: He stopped screaming eventually after swimming for Elementals to kill. He said his save had gotten up.

Jarlot 2: Part of the fun was taking a prestige in Elemental Plane crawler.

Kanatash: I tried the old Prometheus trick next.

Savor: What happened there?

Kanatash: I don't get it. I couldn't keep him locked up for more than ten minutes.

Jarlot 1: Duh, I took ten on undoing the locks.

Kanatash: THERE WERE NO LOCKS!

Jarlot 2: Best part of the torment though....

Jarlot 1: Shelvaresh....

Jarlot 2: World's Biggest Damn Dungeon EAT YOUR HEART OUT.

Jarlot 1: That's nothing. I cleaned out the Tomb of Horrors.

Jarlot 2: Nerfshavit.

Kanatash: I thought I'd seek professional help from Zhengyi.

Jarlot 1: No seriously. They kept on killing me every step of the way but the fact Kanatash kept bringing me back made it perfect. The only problem were the damn level draining monsters. Sweet phat loot though.

Jarlot 1: I must admit that my favorite part was the Vault of the Spider Queens where Savor threw me into the succubus pit.

Kanatash: You did what?

Savor: You remember that old tale from the Eldeen Reaches about the Briar Patch and the Hare?

Kanatash: No.

Savor: Neither had I. When he begged me not to toss him to the succubi....you have to admit, I wasn't thinking too clearly.

Kanatash: I had him chewed on by Khyber herself.

Jarlot 1: Well that was a mistake. Mom was really ****ed.

Savor: Mom?

Kanatash: Let's just say after this excursion...I'M doubting my sanity at this point. Jarlot inhabits a weird world of eldritch concepts like levels and saving throws that render him unable to be causally affected by normal concepts. I'm going to have to go beyond normal 4 dimensional thinking in order to come up with a way to end this.

• Jarlot and Jarlot merge*

Jarlot: No, first we've got to do this again.

Savor and Kanatash: NO!

Jarlot: Oh fine. I'm going to go give everyone their presents.

• hoists bag of holding over his shoulder*

Jarlot: Aerith will have to sleep with me if I give her a Major Artifact. That's like in the rulebook.

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Stupid begins searching for a heart, from a "wizard", he believe its will make him smart again. So he ends up asking every mage on border for on. Here are the responses. Andrea : ( acting kind of loopy ) Heart? Norbaz has mine.  :cloud9: Norbaz :  :mymy: Really I got to go see her Nalfien : Volrath borrowed my last one. Volrath : Ate it. Terra : Sorry, sold all of mine to Allen. Allen : Ate it. Sa'vor : *Grumble* (holds up hand and blasts stupid away.)

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Kanatash: Well that was a bust.

Sa'vor: I know. You do realize we still have to get him back for the thing with Crystal?

Kanatash: Of course, we just need another way to go about it.

Sa'vor: How though, how can we make him suffer the way we have?

Kanatash: Well to start with I think I'll let Bat-Jarlot hang around for a while.

Sa'vor: That's a good start and we're already sabotaging any attempts he may make at world domination. However I think we still need something else too. Hmmm...

Kanatash:  :lightbulb  :schemes: Well... It's really, reeeeeeaaaly low but we could "take care of things" to make sure that he never manages to hook up with Aerith.

Sa'vor: THAT, is evil beyond words. I like it...

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Crow: Kantash, Sa'vor, we can help with that idea.

Kantash: Ah, friend Crow who informed me of who let Crystal aboard. Though you have repeatedly stated that your actions are always random and without any thought of consequence, we shall hear what you have to say.

Silver: Do you know what Aerith does with her off time?

Sa'vor: The dual mind of mortal/angel means it is almost impossible to be sure at any one time. Plus I wouldn't want to tangle with Aerith, even though I could defeat her.

Crow: It's more like who.

Sa'vor: Who what?

Kantash: "Do you know who Aerith does with her off time?"

Sa'vor and Kantash exchange looks.

Silver: What is it about all the females on this ship?

Sa'vor: It was in the rules.

Kantash: But that's not enough to break Jarlot.

Crow: It is if you break into Caralot's records.

Silver: You saw them once, Kantash.

Kantash shudders.

Kantash: She is overqualified to be a daelkyr. And she was doing it "all-natural".

Crow: It's what you would suspect when an angel and a demon get together.

Silver: Especially when you have a demon.

Crow: Who's a succubus.

Silver: Caralot takes coptious notes.

Crow: And joins in.

Silver: But we've got to go now.

Crow: We have to prepare to leave.

Kantash: You're leav—

Silver and Crow aren't there anymore.

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Jarlot: That's it....you...off my ship.

Batjarlot: I'm Batman.

Jarlot: And I'm Epic Level.

• Jarlot pulls out BIGGGGGGGG ASSSSSSSS sword*

• BatJarlot pulls out BatJarlot spray*

BatJarlot: I thought you forbid those.

Jarlot: Being the Captain has the benefit of being able to ignore the rules as you desire.

Batjarlot: I'm Batman.

Jarlot: YES...I KNOW.

Batjarlot: I've already put down a mutiny.

Jarlot: By WHOM?

Doog: *underneath the feet of Batjarlot* Geddisguyoffofme.

Jarlot: Oh Doog doesn't COUNT! He's not even double digit levels!

Batjarlot: Crimminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot.

Jarlot: Alright DerFleudermouse. Let's dance.

Satnak - No wonder Kithle needed a vacation after dealing with you freaks.

jarlot & batjarlot - What are you doing?!

Satnak - Getting rid of a sick feeling in my gut. Die batboy *squish*.

Satnak proceeds to mash batjarlot to a fine paste and boil it.

Satnak - Plot device that *****. Now for you.

Jarlot - What I'm higher level than you now.

Satnak - So was floral dark *soulsucking zorch*. There back down to resonable levels.

Jarlot - Harpy

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Read Bat Jarlot's Rules

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