Editing And Whether Pigs Have Wings
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“I’m flying blind, here. I know this is a golden opportunity to hammer out my issues. I get that. But Christian wants to wait til we’re back in the Black before we go much further and I’m tempted to let things slide til then.” I slid a look at the weaponsmaster. “And tempted once, it’s easier to give in to temptation again, til it’s easier to do nothing at all. And nothing changes. That wasn’t what you had in mind, was it?”<br> | “I’m flying blind, here. I know this is a golden opportunity to hammer out my issues. I get that. But Christian wants to wait til we’re back in the Black before we go much further and I’m tempted to let things slide til then.” I slid a look at the weaponsmaster. “And tempted once, it’s easier to give in to temptation again, til it’s easier to do nothing at all. And nothing changes. That wasn’t what you had in mind, was it?”<br> | ||
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Harry looks at Rina and asks candidly, “Why do you assume that to get past what was done, it requires crossing the sexual lines with him? It didn’t come from me. In point of fact, my suggestion was that you allow him to help you get beyond the fact that even casual touching disturbs you. That you hide within your coveralls as if they’re body armor.”<br> | Harry looks at Rina and asks candidly, “Why do you assume that to get past what was done, it requires crossing the sexual lines with him? It didn’t come from me. In point of fact, my suggestion was that you allow him to help you get beyond the fact that even casual touching disturbs you. That you hide within your coveralls as if they’re body armor.”<br> | ||
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“Because it all starts from there,” I answered her as candidly. I stared at the landscape then and listened to the birds making their morning racket. “You were in the war. You know what it’s like. It’s not all honor amongst soldiers. Throw men and women together in close quarters on a ship, shit’s bound to happen. My experience was...brutal and recurring and the bastard picked the wrong woman to abuse, threatened the one thing I’d kill to keep. I survived. He didn’t. But it didn’t end there. Mike did what he could to help me glue everything back together but he couldn’t heal everything. I managed the rest on my own. It wasn’t perfect but it worked, and it’s enough. I have the love a good man, Harry. I don’t have it every night, but when I have it, it’s complete. Everything else is… negotiable.”<br> | “Because it all starts from there,” I answered her as candidly. I stared at the landscape then and listened to the birds making their morning racket. “You were in the war. You know what it’s like. It’s not all honor amongst soldiers. Throw men and women together in close quarters on a ship, shit’s bound to happen. My experience was...brutal and recurring and the bastard picked the wrong woman to abuse, threatened the one thing I’d kill to keep. I survived. He didn’t. But it didn’t end there. Mike did what he could to help me glue everything back together but he couldn’t heal everything. I managed the rest on my own. It wasn’t perfect but it worked, and it’s enough. I have the love a good man, Harry. I don’t have it every night, but when I have it, it’s complete. Everything else is… negotiable.”<br> | ||
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“And I can see the circles in my argument already. Look. I’ve come to realize that my issues with men in general stem from my issue with one man in particular. He’s dead. What he did to me isn’t. I have to face it and like anyone with a phobia, sometimes the best method for getting rid of it is exposure to the trigger. As often as it takes til it no longer trips. I don’t believe for a minute I can turn into a nymphomaniac, but I might come out of this less paranoid about men in general...and sex in particular. Not that I expect this to make any kind of sense, not when I’m still trying to get a handle on it.”<br> | “And I can see the circles in my argument already. Look. I’ve come to realize that my issues with men in general stem from my issue with one man in particular. He’s dead. What he did to me isn’t. I have to face it and like anyone with a phobia, sometimes the best method for getting rid of it is exposure to the trigger. As often as it takes til it no longer trips. I don’t believe for a minute I can turn into a nymphomaniac, but I might come out of this less paranoid about men in general...and sex in particular. Not that I expect this to make any kind of sense, not when I’m still trying to get a handle on it.”<br> | ||
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The calm face that Harry gives back is not merely neutral. There’s sympathy there. “If what I said to you put you in mind that you need to be unfaithful to your lover, Rina, I apologize. It was not what I intended when I challenged you. Be true to yourself, no matter how you go about this. But don’t .... overcompensate in the way that you confront it. In spite of what triggered the problem, correcting it does not require you to go against your entire belief structure about fidelity and relationships.”<br> | The calm face that Harry gives back is not merely neutral. There’s sympathy there. “If what I said to you put you in mind that you need to be unfaithful to your lover, Rina, I apologize. It was not what I intended when I challenged you. Be true to yourself, no matter how you go about this. But don’t .... overcompensate in the way that you confront it. In spite of what triggered the problem, correcting it does not require you to go against your entire belief structure about fidelity and relationships.”<br> | ||
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“Right now, I’m not sure what I believe anymore, or where that line is. I know it’s a line Mike’s had to cross for the sake of the job, and I’m fine with that. I know how well he compartmentalizes. That I’ve stayed behind it on my end, even when we can’t formalize our relationship by marrying...I know some would think I’m crazy for maintaining it. Maybe I am. Or maybe I’m not, but too scared to cross it because of my past experience. And that doesn’t seem healthy either. Either way, there’s doubt. So you see where I’m stuck. I want to find out which side I’m really on.”<br> | “Right now, I’m not sure what I believe anymore, or where that line is. I know it’s a line Mike’s had to cross for the sake of the job, and I’m fine with that. I know how well he compartmentalizes. That I’ve stayed behind it on my end, even when we can’t formalize our relationship by marrying...I know some would think I’m crazy for maintaining it. Maybe I am. Or maybe I’m not, but too scared to cross it because of my past experience. And that doesn’t seem healthy either. Either way, there’s doubt. So you see where I’m stuck. I want to find out which side I’m really on.”<br> | ||
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“Maybe the longer I do this, the closer I get to crossing that line, the better I’ll be able to define where I stand and what I’m willing to do. Staying safe behind my walls won’t take me there. Leaving my comfort zone will. I can always stop and take a step back. I trust Christian to give me the space to do that.”<br> | “Maybe the longer I do this, the closer I get to crossing that line, the better I’ll be able to define where I stand and what I’m willing to do. Staying safe behind my walls won’t take me there. Leaving my comfort zone will. I can always stop and take a step back. I trust Christian to give me the space to do that.”<br> | ||
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A rueful smile creases Harry’s cheeks as she listens. “There are as many kinds of relationships in the Verse as there are people to have them,” she comments quietly. “Whatever works for you is what you should go with, and let no one tell you otherwise.”<br> | A rueful smile creases Harry’s cheeks as she listens. “There are as many kinds of relationships in the Verse as there are people to have them,” she comments quietly. “Whatever works for you is what you should go with, and let no one tell you otherwise.”<br> | ||
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“I’m sure you know by now that giving me advice is always a dicey proposition.” I grinned sardonically at her. “But look at it this way: a year ago I’d have ''decked'' you rather than consider it, and Christian would have been in a world of hurt for laying a finger on me the way he’s done now for...what, eight weeks? I’m improving, Harry. Even ice ages don’t last forever. Glaciers eventually melt and the landscape they reveal is sometimes better than the one they covered.”<br> | “I’m sure you know by now that giving me advice is always a dicey proposition.” I grinned sardonically at her. “But look at it this way: a year ago I’d have ''decked'' you rather than consider it, and Christian would have been in a world of hurt for laying a finger on me the way he’s done now for...what, eight weeks? I’m improving, Harry. Even ice ages don’t last forever. Glaciers eventually melt and the landscape they reveal is sometimes better than the one they covered.”<br> | ||
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| − | |||
The Asian woman chuckles, her laughter warm and easy. “You are more stubborn than Xiao Mei, Rina... and that’s saying something.”<br> | The Asian woman chuckles, her laughter warm and easy. “You are more stubborn than Xiao Mei, Rina... and that’s saying something.”<br> | ||
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“Maybe that’s why she and I get along so well. We speak each other’s language. Speaking of language...” I rose and straightened my shirt, tucked it in. “I hate to cut out of the middle of our conversation, but if I don’t get back to work, that hull will be too hot to touch without swearing. Can I swing by and finish this later?”<br> | “Maybe that’s why she and I get along so well. We speak each other’s language. Speaking of language...” I rose and straightened my shirt, tucked it in. “I hate to cut out of the middle of our conversation, but if I don’t get back to work, that hull will be too hot to touch without swearing. Can I swing by and finish this later?”<br> | ||
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Harry nods easily. “I’ll be in shortly. A shower is calling my name first. Xiao Mei’s had me out since....” There’s a laugh as she says it in a tone of a woman well used to being told that it’s odd times, “oh-four-twenty-one.”<br> | Harry nods easily. “I’ll be in shortly. A shower is calling my name first. Xiao Mei’s had me out since....” There’s a laugh as she says it in a tone of a woman well used to being told that it’s odd times, “oh-four-twenty-one.”<br> | ||
| − | *** | + | *** |
I did the math in my head and chuckled. “That would be about two hours after I turned in. God, I’m such a goldbricker. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t stay on-task this morning. Thanks, Harry. I needed to work out the jittters. Stop by my door if you’re free. I’ll keep it open for you.”<br> | I did the math in my head and chuckled. “That would be about two hours after I turned in. God, I’m such a goldbricker. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t stay on-task this morning. Thanks, Harry. I needed to work out the jittters. Stop by my door if you’re free. I’ll keep it open for you.”<br> | ||
