Forgotten Freedom:42

Last Plot -- Plot Line Home -- Next Plot

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Kithle - I want a raise! I do most of the work around here. I'm involved in every single plot. How many times have I or my efforts saved your sorry hides? How many times have I covered for everyone when they were sick or otherwise more useless than normal? Despite this the Catgirl gets paid more than I do.

Igor - Captain, theriouthly, do thomething. The ithilid ith getting a weird look in hith eyeth, all twelve, mathyer.

Jarlot - But he wants a raise, I can't give people raises or fair pay. That's lawful.

Slip - Maybe so, at the same time you do realize that Kithle is easily capable of wiping out most of the crew by this point. Thats assuming he doesn't use allies. Satnak, Sa'vor, and maybe Silver or Raven could fight him on almost equal terms, but all four of them are less intelligent and firmly on his side. Lucky, Andrea, Nalfein and the rest of the mages can't even hurt him thanks to his immunity, and aside from Kanatash you have no psions in his league. Also Kithle has proven that he is more than capable of putting the ghost in his place. Finally Aerith and her angel friends might help you, but seriously do you think those fragile-minded zealots stand a chance against such a concentration of Mortal power as Kithle. He also significantly more dangerous than before he had Sa'vor's brain for dinner. He's been under a lot of stress recently and his recent setback with Sutekh has him grumpy. A raise and a paid vacation would probably be best. Unless you want him to lead a mutiny, or worse yet start an election.

Jarlot - OH SWEET KHYBER NO!!!

Marish is heading down the corridor to the mess hall looking foward to the next few days of fish and harmless chili, When she is confronted by a massive glowing beast with three heads and vicious gnashing jaws in each bestial face.

Satnak - Marish, I would have though you were smarter than this.

Marish - I have no ...ulp

Satnak opens her eyes. Marish's fur is wilting.

Marish - ... idea what you're talking about.

Satnak - A lot of people get messed with on this ship. A lot of mind bugging goes on. It's only natural to want to join in the fun, but one must remember the rules. You broke a big one. Wanna know which?

Marish - Maam plz don't hurt me.

Satnak - You messed with the cooky. Normally not a big deal, but you see the chili is awful. I can't let that go unpunished. Allen got used as moster bait, Terra.. well, Okay, I let her off because the look on Michael's face was priceless. You, on the other hand, I don't find amusing. You have nothing to offer me at this point, your spell will run its course without you. You are mine now, you little furball.

Marish is frozen by the look of absolute hate in Satnak's eyes.

Andrea: *sigh* Marish is in danger... must go protect familiar. Maybe give her a bath.

Marish: NOOOO!

• drags her out by her tail*

Kanatash: Kithle, I'm normally on your side but in this case I just have to say, SUCK IT UP, B****!  :rant: I don't get paid PERIOD. Jarlot thinks I don't need money just because I'm incorporeal. He didn't even give me my own room so I had to create an extradimensional pocket myself. Plus I've even restraindd myself from messing with his mind or done anything to threaten the destrution of reality in months.

Slip: What about the incident with your duplicate?

Kanatash: That was Ketler's fault, remember? Thats not what's important, anyways. What's important is I have the power to destroy the minds of everyone on this ship and reality itself, not to mention I've been here for a long long time and I don't get paid squat. I don't think you can complain about your pay sucking.

Slip: (to Jarlot) I'm thinking you might want to give them both a raise and a vacation.

Jarlot: Both! Do you know how much that could cost me!

Slip: Less than not if you don't. I've never seen Kanatash ****ed off before, let alone THIS ****ed off. If you don't do something he's probably going to go nuclear and I'd really rather not have him do it on my ship. Besides the ACLU (Action Cthulhoid Liberation Union) is coming around next week and if they see how you're treating those two then the **** is going to hit the fan.

Jarlot: OH SWEET KHYBER NO!!!

Terra: I may have a suggestion to ease the hit you'd be taking...

Jarlot: This should be good...

Terra: As you know, I'm already obscenely rich. I only wanted a paycheck as part of my cover. Such a pittance is really not even worth it to me.

Jarlot: You want me to stop paying you, and pay them instead? Isn't that a little altruistic for someone evil?

Terra: Oh, not at all. It's a self-preservation thing. I'd rather not have Kanatash go on a rampage, and a ****ed off Kithle isn't any more appealing.

Jarlot: Oh, good. At least you're still making sence.

Lisa: So… why did you want to talk to me… I have never had any thought about Jar…

Tifa: OH, it has nothing to do with that, I know you don’t like Jarlot… I mean your all ready in a Love Q…

Lisa: Love Q?

Tifa: It's like a love Triangle with a little tail… that being Dooj or whatever his name is. Anyway you are the only woman I trust enough to talk to… I refuse to talk to that damn solar-loving flower-selling man-stealing B*tch, I don’t like the whole Undead thingy so the wizard's out, And that damn cat is next on my list after the B*tch and Terra and I don’t get long because my game is so much better then hers…

Terra: [SIZE=2]NO IT ISN’T[/SIZE]

Tifa: [SIZE=2]YES IT IS! AND STOP SPYING ON US WE ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING [/SIZE] … even though that would **** her off to no end…

Lisa: What you… like woman to… I mean your married… isn’t that cheating?

Tifa: Nah Jarlot is the only MAN I will ever love… women are fair game though. I mean how else I qualified for the Nymph’s kiss feat. Ahh that was a lovely night inn the plane of the fey… I wonder If can get any of that wine here on the ship… and I wonder what happen to Eiko the Nymph, she had this funny little horn one her head you know.

• Meanwhile in the Eiko house in fey land…*

Three little Pixie like kids a zooming around the house and causing general Havoc and mayhem, until they crash into their mother Eiko the Nymph.

Eiko: Yuna, Rikku, Paine COME HERE NOW! Were you three trying breaking into The Queen vaults again!

Yuna, Rikku, Paine all nod in unison

Eiko: What have I told you about doing that…?

Paine: don’t kill anybody… Rikku: Don’t get caught… Yuna: and do not try to do it in the first place.

Eiko: *sigh * what am I going to do with you… you break things, hurt random fey, and try to get me in trouble with the queen…Am at my Wit's end!

[SIZE=3]Crash! [/SIZE]

When Eiko looks up she see her three kid floating over a broken vase… looking all innocent.

Eiko: [SIZE=2]THAT IS IT![/SIZE] I’m sending you to live with your other mother!

Paine: What other mother? Rikku: Come on, Paine, you remember when mommy explained where we came from Yuna: That is right she said that She and our other Mommy Tifa when to the special grove, drank the magic wine, and did the happy dance… and Nine months later we showed up the perfect blending of the two!

Eiko: and I have trying to figure out what was wrong with her… in order to get you three.

• Back in Lisa’s Room *

Tifa: and that’s why I’m trying to breed those giant chickens…

Lisa: But why, Demonic one…

Tifa: THAT was Terra’s idea…she said it make them smart… and/or give the Chili an extra kick.

Then a shimmering portal opens up and Yuna, Rikku, Paine with a note pinned on there dresses…

Yuna, Rikku, Paine: MOMMY! *then they all hug/tackle Tifa *

Lisa: WHAT?

Tifa: Can’t … breathe… being crushed... with love…

From three different halls Cthulhu, Jarlot, and Volrath are walking toward deck. They each see Tifa being tackled by little fey screaming "mommy". The same thought runs through each ones' mind: "Oh ****!" They each, in perfect unison jump off different sides of the ship.

---

( Sa'vor stands on his balcony gazing down with pride on his minions below, Slip appears behind him and scares the living daylight out of him)

Sa'vor: ARGH!

Slip: usually you notice i'm here

Sa'vor: It's the fact that I've been a bit busy recently and that you haven't visited me in a long while

Slip: I've been busy keeping this ship from falling apart. You're all lucky it doesn't fall apart while I sleep

Sa'vor: yes... the multiple dimensional pockets are causing serious strain on its existence, and being hit by the laser didn't help. I thought it would be a bit longer until this started happening

Slip: what? what's happening?

Sa'vor: the ship's reality is unravelling, its very hull is so permeated with magic that it can't take the strain. not to mention the huge magical radiation we create. It's a wonder we dont get charged with polluting the world with magic

Slip: we've been charged with every other crime. and any way, what does magical radiation do?

Sa'vor: well, in low to medium levels it increases the amount of people whom can wield magic within the area, sometimes there's some weird affects like portals opening to hell dimensions and people born with resistance to magic and the odd mutant. but in such a large amounts it could cause much bad.

Slip: how much bad? (Tara appears from nowhere) Tara: LOTS of bad

Sa'vor: we could be looking at a extra-dimensional cross-over of apocalyptic proportions or even the gods being able to influence the world. demigods being born, strife, gods walking Eberron. Khyber manifesting, Xoriat or Dal Quor becoming countermendious again and things such as this

Tara:so when did you expect this to happen before the laser?

Sa'vor: oh... well, in approximatly two years

Slip: and now?

Sa'vor: ah... two months.

Slip: so what will happen to MY ship?

Tara: its whole form will unravel as its become so completely filled with magic, reality will be torn asunder, a huge portal will open in its stead and these extra-demensional pockets will be destroyed. does this happen often?

Sa'vor: every other week, but never in the proportions that we're about to experience.

Slip: you know, you should really get out of the dimension once in a while

Sa'vor: I've got far too much to do at the moment to worry about visiting people! I've got things to build, magic to prepare. Dra'vos to worry about, and I've got a legion to train!

Slip: well, I thought you could do with catching up with recent news.

Sa'vor: you dont seem suprised with Tara being here?

Slip: oh, Kithle filled me in

Sa'vor: I thought as much ( Begins to mutter under his breath and write out Mabranic runes on a sheet of paper while standing up, he leans over his desk to get as close as possible check for mistakes) Tara: there doesn't seem much that Kithle doesnt know

Sa'vor: my liege knows everything. he hears everything. I've started to expect him to know what's going on. there was a time where I tried to hide things from him. I still hide some things... things that even he can't know.. but i trust him with most information. besides, I have trust his motives. the only reason I'm in a hurry is because I need to be.

Tara: why?

Sa'vor: I think I might not have much of an unlife left once Dra'vos gets here, one of us will die. one of us, and I feel the shrill call of death approaching. I embrace the coming darkness and peace ... but I'm afraid of what comes after....

Slip: you're afraid to die?

Sa'vor: you haven't seen what I've seen... you haven't made enemies that i've made. there are a lot of things i've done that I'm not proud of ... there are a lot of people whom are dead that wait for me in the afterlife. and they aren't too happy with me, I really don't want to end up with them for eternity. THEY WILL NOT TAKE ME! ( Smashes a hand on the obsidian desk, causing all the alchemical and magical equipment to shake)

Slip: well, just so you know. Kithle's stressed, Kanatash is really really ****ed off, and they're both demanding a holiday and a pay rise.

Sa'vor: hell, I don't even get paid. not that I need to be.

Slip: what about a holiday, you could use one.

Sa'vor: I've FAR too much to do... maybe once I've faced Dra'vos and stopped the universe unravelling I'll take a week off. though I think Kantash and Kithle need a couple of weeks off, I could cover for them.

Slip: I doubt it, the state you're in at the moment you can barely keep up with what you're doing now. you haven't even fed or slept!

Tara: I'll keep an eye on the ship while they're gone. someone's got to do it. and Sa'vor's not the most patient of individuals.

Slip: wheres Naz'roth at the moment?

Tara: I dont know, I miss him. he was quite cute.

Sa'vor: ( in between the furrius scribblings of an ink pen with Infinite ink, Sa'vor currently is using a maximised extended empowered Haste spell on himself) Oh, he went to Shavarath, said he was going to lead the devils for a while. oh and he said Tara that he misses you greatly and hopes to see you soon.

Slip: Awwwww, i didnt know Arch Deamons could feel that way.

Sa'vor: nether did I, and he spent quite a while in my head. but I suppose they have to, otherwise there wouldn't be any demons left. ( gathers up his notes and teleports to another section of the castle, Feal-Thas enters from the staircase. still dressed in his armour. he now stands over Seven feet, his eyes blaze with magical might)

Feal-Thas: where's father off to?

Tara: I think he went to get some peace

Feal-Thas: I'm worried about him, Tara, he's been getting increasingly morbid and talks a lot less. he isn't even eating anymore. he barely sleeps, he's becoming far more detached from reality.

Slip: he's worried and afraid. I don't think he knows how to handle it

Tara: he does, it's somthing else he's dealing with, Dread. he doesn't wish to face Dra'vos, though he has to. he dreads it. he knows what Dra'vos is like, and if I'm correct he'll be far more than a match for him. Sa'vor will have to use all his cunning and skill to beat him.

Slip: what could be eating at him so?

Tara: that, I believe, is a different matter.

Feal-Thas: what?

Tara: even I can't tell, and I know him better than any of you. recently I discovered that his mind is like a void, it's like there's nothing there. I think his abilities are evolving .

Feal-Thas: evolving? I didnt know he had abilities

Tara: don't forget, he was born in a high magical area, he was born with powers and skills far beyond anything we can imagine. sometimes even I have trouble guessing what he'll be able to do next. I only know a few of his abnormal skills, these are non-magical as far as I can tell, I know that he can gauge people's power and thier strengths and weaknesses, I also know he can, when he concentrates, create an aura of pure fear and dread. another is his skill at always knowing where and when he is.

Feal-Thas: When?

Tara: he has a mastery of time, he can move through small areas of it. he can also predict certain events.

Slip: that AND being an uber, pretty scary prospect. so what's wrong?

Tara: I think his contact with that magical artifact has allowed him to see further into the future, I think he's seen somthing that scares him beyond anything else.

Slip: so what do we do?

Tara: we wait for him to tell us. it's the only thing we can do. his mind shieldings far more powerful than ever before.

---

Sa'vor is in a storage wing of the castle where he's set up a hammock between two stacks of weapons crates. The only one who can get here is Igor, and that's because……… he's Igor.

Sa'vor: Could they be right? Do I need a vacation?

Crow: Probably not a good idea right now.

Sa'vor turns his head to find Crow sitting on his left shoulder.

Sa'vor: You couldn't have gotten in here.

Crow: I can go where I like. It's one of the perks of not having a purpose.

Sa'vor: Must be nice, not having any responsibilities. No enemies coming to get you, no empire to help create, no need to feed.

Crow: I don't experience emotions the way you existers do. I can't feel pain or pleasure in physical form, just in my quasi-mental state. I don't exist.

Sa'vor: Then you won't have a problem when the FF unravels.

Crow: Is that what's going to happen? Well, then, I guess I don't need to tell you about the portals that are opening up.

Sa'vor: What portals?

Silver: Haven't you noticed all the weird new redshirts?

Sa'vor is surprised to find Silver balancing perfectly on the other end of the hammock.

Sa'vor: That's some power. I put up the wards on this area myself. They're a variation on the ones used to keep Rajahs imprisioned.

Silver: Which are set up by the Narrative Element to fail. So they can be breached.

Crow: But seriously, there are two lion-like humanoids somewhere on this ship that call themselves "litorians".

Silver: They have no idea what druids or rogues are. Keep talking about "unfettered" and "mageblades".

Crow: We believe there is a portal somewhere on this ship that opens onto their world. A world where elves, dwarves, gnomes, paladins, clerics, and many other things you take for granted don't exist.

Sa'vor: What's this got to do with me?

Silver: Nothing. It's the stating of the fact that concerns us, not the result.

And suddenly they are gone.

---

There is a knock on the door of Jarlot's office.

Jarlot: What is it? I've still got to decide whether to give Kithle and Kanatash a vacation, so this better be important.

Igor opens the door.

Igor: Where do you want the huge bagth of gold, mathter?

Jarlot freezes, a look of pure puzzlement on his face

Jarlot: Huge bags of gold?

Igor: From the advertithementth.

Jarlot: Advertising……… Chalky didn't take money to paint slogans on the side of the Forgotten Freedom again, did he?

Igor: No, mathter. Thethe would be from the adth run during "Thurvivor: Forgotten Freedom".

Jarlot: They want to film that here? But the contestants would last five minutes!

Igor: Oh, no, mathter. It'th about the crew. I think you'll agree that the quethion of whether or not they thurvive is a thecond by thecond quethtion. It'th already running. Garnering top ratingth, too.

Jarlot: When did this happen? As the captain I should be informed of any opportunities to make money off exploiting my crew.

Igor: I'll have to check, mathter. I do know that Houthe Thivith approached uth with thome hagth eyeth gemth and thaid they'd pay a lot of money if we jutht put them around.

Jarlot: So companies are paying money to run ads while the masses watch us bicker and kill random redshirts?

Igor: I would gueth tho, mathter. Ah, yeth, now I remember. It'th Thquithhy and Tabitha who are running thith little thceme.

Jarlot: But people actually like watching us fight off nameless horrors, plot world domination, kill people, b*tch at each other, and just generally act insane?

Igor: Ath oppothed to what they normally do, mathter? Live in a world filled with the thpecter of ditheathe, monthterth, mind-control, etthetera?

Jarlot: But they know that Kithle's plotting to take over the world!

Igor: I doubt they are thmart enough to think it'th real. Trutht me, thethe are the thame people who deliberately approach the obviouthly monthter-filled cathtle.

Jarlot: That's a good point. So how much are we being paid?

Igor steps out. He tries to come back in, but the sack he's carrying is too large.

Igor: I apologize, mathter. I thall go and get Roothevelt to widen the door.

After Igor leaves Jarlot opens the bag. Gold comes pouring out onto the floor. Giddy, Jarlot rolls and wallows in it, laughing.

Jarlot: Rich! Rich!

Kanatash: That's very fortunate.

Kithle: You can pay us now.

Jarlot: What?

Kithle: What, you thought I was going to let people watch me take over the world without a cut?

---

Mess hall in the Forgotten Freedom. All is as it should be. Chalky's hunting Squishy. Michael is leering at Lisa. Lisa is hitting Micheal. In short the usual.

Volrath, Terra, and Muradin are eating at their usual table. Muradin is, as usual guzzling his decanter of endless ale. Volrath is eating what he calls "white pork with white pork sauce". Terra is having, what appears to be, a simple salad.

Volrath : Terra, when you visited Sharn, how was my "business" doing?

Terra : Stop calling it that. It's a cult and everyone knows it. Hell even the Sharn watch knows.

Volrath : Alright, it's a cult, but you didn't answer my question. How is it doing what, what are they up to.

Terra : Well, I didn't check personally, but my network says that it's still there, thriving actually. Why do you ask? Shouldn't you know the whereabouts of your own cult?

Volrath : They don't listen to me anymore. They're getting too fanatical, not even trying to cover up their kidnappings anymore. I think they're trying to summon my father's Dark Man avatar.

Terra : There are plenty of worse ones they could summon. I'm not saying that this isn't a problem, just that it will be relatively easy to contain. Besides we also have the small problem of reality being ripped asunder.

Volrath : They probably won't even be able to pull it off. I just didn't think I could have lost control so completely.

Terra : You have been gone for a long time.

Volrath : Yeah... I just got to think about this for awhile.

Muradin puts down his ale, apparently having heard nothing of the previous conversation.

Muradin : Volrath, where you get "white pork sauce".

Volrath : (face brightening up) Michael  :devil:

Muradin, content with this answer, goes back to drinking.

Terra : No way! How did you pull that off!

Volrath : (pulls out knife) Lots of painkiller and a quick hand.

Terra : (shudders) Eww... I almost feel sorry for him.

Volrath : With all that armor on, he won't even know until he looks.

Michael walks into the privy.

Volrath : 5,4,3,2,1...

A high pitched feminine scream erupts, from the privy.

---

[size=3]VH1'S BEHIND THE MAGIC[/size]

• A bare midriffed girl with a microphone and utter vapid look to her face is in front of the camera*

Tony Tomay: Hi! I'm Tony Tomay and today we're going to be chronicling the most infamous ship in Eberron history! The ship so happy with its plundering it puts the jolly in jolly roger in the Forgotten Freedom! But how did it get this way! Watch our week long special to find out!

• Jarlot is meanwhile holding a shotgun while wearing a scarf over his face before a :behold:*

behold:: We're just stopping to refuel! Who the hell robs a Spelljammer!?

Jarlot: I don't care what your CRL is! Cough up the cash or I ruin your racial purity with the most painful eye poke of all time.

Tony Tomay: We're going to chronicle the Forgotten Freedom's many exploits from its early years as a cargo holder to the starting careers of its crew until their mega success as the planet's number one bad guys!

Lisa: Ummm... I point out I'm still a hero.

Aerith: They're all just misunderstood! I mean sure Terra's a drug dealing eco-terrorist but she loves animals and is really cute!

Tony Tomay: What kind of personality conflicts are onboard the ship? Does the competing plots to take over the world mean they'll never succeed? What IS in the chili and how do the monarchs feel about them! This after our next commercial break!

[size=3]Are you getting enough Dragon in your diet? Eat at Dragonmeat Den! Kill your own and Kids eat free![/size]

Jarlot: Oh... hell.

• Andrea sits on a podium while smoking in a ladylike fashion, some hints of Sharon Stone while crossing her legs under her miniskirt robes*

Andrea: Yeah, I was with Jarlot from the beginning. It was harder in those days to get some attention. They didn't think the world was ready for a hot and sexy Black Mage... it was years before Lulu you know... lousy **** who stole my bit.

Tony Tomay: Rumors linking you to evil wizards across the game system from Magus to Garland to even Kefka have surfaced.

Andrea: Please, Kefka wishes he had me. *puts out cigarette, moves legs to the side* But yes, my big break was in Final Fantasy 8 but I was furious when they cut my name.

• images flash of Rinoa Heartilly beating up Andrea the Sorceress at the end of the game*

Tony Tomay: What was it like working with Squall?

Andrea: VERY rewarding.

• Jarlot wearing glasses in his Captain's office where a HD-TV is behind him*

Jarlot: Yeah, I had a bit part in FF8 where I was revealed to be the real father of all those spikey haired guys in the games. It was to be a whole Darth Vader moment but I've got to say do I LOOK like I could be?

Tony Tomay: Aren't you in your forti....

Jarlot: I TAKE REGULAR POTIONS OF LONGEVIETY!

Tony Tomay: You've had some career burps in your time haven't you?

Jarlot: I admit there have been a few....

• Images flash of Jarlot slapping Tidus to 'be a man' on the set of FFX*

Jarlot: But I point out that it was richly deserved.

Tony Tomay: Can you explain your plans for world domination?

Jarlot: Cheat my crew of every cent they have, loot corpses and chests, and eventually buy Eberron.

• its then the doors to the room burst open as every male of the FF series bursts in*

Cloud: You woman-stealing B*****!

• they start beating Jarlot tremendously*

Sephiroth: My mommy will get you for this!

• Everyone pauses and starts beating up Sephiroth*

Tony Tomay: We'll be right back after this commercial break!

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---

Kelter : (waving his hands wildly) Oow, oow, over here!

Tony Tomay : *sigh* Alright, what is your story.

Kelter : You see I was also with Jarlot from the beginning. I was one of the original four. Jarlot, Doog (or Dooj can't remember), Andrea, and me the most greed and selfish group of adventurers ever. We got Lisa, Michael, and Jingo all in one drunken party. (Lisa comes over with hammer) That is not to say that Lisa would participate in such activity. She was in fact breaking up the party. (Lisa leaves) I attempted to keep the peace between Lisa and Michael. (Image of Ketler standing between Michael and Lisa, both with weapons at the ready.) It usually, however, didn't work out. (Image of a mangled Ketler lying beside an equally mangled Michael.)

Tony Tomay : So you're both perverted and stupid?

Kelter : In my defence, I was attempting to get several exalted feats and the pacifist prestige class.

Tony Tomay : You are far to vile to get any exalted feats and artificer/pacifist is a horrible build.

Kelter : Fine so I am stupid.

---

Tony Tomay: Here we are with Miss Terra Branford, star of Final Fantasy VI.

Terra: Thanks for having me.

Tony Tomay: I hear you've made quite a few changes since your days spent saving the world.

Terra: Yeah. Fame only pays the bills so long. Of course, I was working in the days before 3D graphics.

Tony Tomay: What of rumors about you and Celes?

Terra: Totally true. She didn't really like me at first, but boy is she ever good in the sack.

Tony Tomay: How do you feel about the current furvor over the release of Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children?

Terra: Don't even get me started. My game had a deeper storyline, better bad guy, who I might add, actually succeeded in wrecking the world, and a better magic system.

Tifa: (off camera) DREAM ON, B****!!!!

Terra: SHUT UP!!! (back to Tony) What did I get? Jack.

---

Volrath : I would just like to point out that Terra would have worked in 3D, and FF7 would have been a direct sequel to FF6. In the end, though, everything got canceled after Locke killed himself, over his loss of Celes. I (dropping head in sadness) was going to be the BBEG. (runs off camera crying).

Tony Tomay : Terra, is this true.

Terra : Only one shoot was ever filmed! It was a fricken golem fight, low level monster. We hadn't even started BBEG considerations.

---

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• Tony Tomay is wearing a bikini beside a pool where Doog and Michael are in the pool, Doog wearing swimfins*

Tony Tomay: Welcome back. I'm here with some more of the wonderful characters here at the Forgotten Freedom inside the ship's country club and spa.

Doog: How the Hell did the Captain hide this gorram thing without us ever suspecting it!?

Michael: Damn Jarlot's Jiggy Pad spell. You know Doog, you're supposed to wear Swim trunks in the pool.

Doog: Oh bah, next you'll say I have to get out of the water to urinate.

Michael: *floats away from Doog* Ewwwwwwwww.

Tony Tomay: Now we're here with 3 time Henchman of the Year and winner of the Random Monster award Doog Thrask and a Antipaladinus Brother! Michael!

Michael: I point out that I have no desire to have my career coast on my family's successes.

• a black and white family picture is shown of Darth Vader, Skeletor, Garland, Lo Pan, Ganondorf Dragmire, Magus, Revolver Ocelot, Pinhead, Freddy Krueger, Jason, the Master, Mordred, Kane, Dracula, Rufus ShinRa, and a tiny image Michael nestled within*

Doog: Dude, you're Darth Vader's BROTHER?

Michael: He pretends he was immaculately concieved.

Tony Tomay: Can you tell us how you got your career started, Doog? You're famous Hollywood over for playing henchmen roles.

Doog: Well I started at the bottom and worked my way up. Orc in the Lord of the Rings cartoon voice work to actually being one of the teeming hordes of evil. You know those Imps in FF1?

• image switches to Doog wearing a Smurf like hat and pointy shoes with a buckle, he's cursing up a storm as he's forced to join the masses of similiarly dressed half-orcs*

Doog: Yeah, lost most of my family to those pictures. Those damn heroes just can't work with squibs can they?

Tony Tomay: And any rumors about you and Lisa?

Michael: Of course, we're deeply...

Doog: He hasn't scored yet.

Michael: I'm waiting for the moment to be special, okay?

Doog: Bah and in the meantime the heavy moaning and shaking from Terra's room fills the air.

Tony Tomay: So what about the relationship between you and Cloud....

Doog: Uhhh....

Tony Tomay: There was a big controversy about it.

Michael: You knew Cloud? I bet you got all the chicks....

Doog: Ummmmm....

• image flashes to a hotel room where a camera goes in as Doog and Cloud burst from under the sheets in their underwear and start cursing at the camera*

Doog: ooooooo

Michael: :OMG!

---

• On the sun deck where Aerith is wearing her own bikini while under the shade and wearing glasses with a drink, there of course is a flower basket beside her and a mint-drink... probably healing potion*

• Marish is wagging her tail in the sun with her own sunglasses, not wearing much at all but... fuzzy for censors*

Tony Tomay: Now we have a special treat for you in famous star of Final Fantasy VII, Aerith Gainsborough!

Aerith: Hiiiiiiiii

• A rainbow appears behind her with her voice*

Tony Tomay: So reports of your death are exaggerated?

Aerith: Oh certainly, I don't know why so many fans thought I was dead when the ending was clearly based on the idea of my being resurrected and rejoining with Cloud.

Tony Tomay: So what do you think happened?

Aerith: *twitch* Oh I don't want to talk bad about anyone.

Tony Tomay: Oh come on! Don't hide your true feelings.

Aerith: No no, I'm sure there's a perfectly... *twitch* good explanation for a number of production questions.

Tony Tomay: Such as?

Aerith: Well the fact the Director was having sex with an upcoming Angelina Jolie copying kickboxer whose name shall go unmentioned that *twitch* was written into the last minute *twitch* before suggesting a death scene for me *twitch* and then losing the footage of my tearful reunion with Cloud. She also stuffs her bra.

Tifa: *gets onto the screen* That is a gawd damned lie!

Aerith: Yeah right, ****-chan.

Tifa: You b***!

• Aerith throws her drink into Tifa's face and goes clawing for it*

Tony Tomay: Wow, I never knew Aerith had it in her.

Marish: There's only a few touchy subjects with Aerith... the whole death thing is one of them. Also, Kingdom Hearts was supposed to be a trilogy was going to star her. Disney and Final Fantasy, what do you THINK it's a vehicle for? Of course, to work for said company you've got to be a real **** at heart.

• The Captain walks on screen*

Jarlot: I point out that rumors that Aerith having my baby broke up my marriage to Tifa are completely untrue.

Marish: Oh please, the moment you found out Tifa would do anything for her career, you dumped her ass. Then it bottomed out and she came crawling back.

Jarlot: Hey, don't talk about her like that!

• Aerith limit breaks are cheerfully cute even as Terra wails into her behind Jarlot/Marish*

Marish: The question is... where is this Tabloid child NOOOWWW?

Jarlot: I also point out that I was the guy who came up with the Gunsword.

Ketler: HEY! DON'T STEAL FROM ME NOW!

Marish: *distracting from the two suddenly arguing* I'm hoping for a part in Final Fantasy XII. I'm disappointed they decided to go with Rabbit Girls. I think frankly some tradition would have helped.

---

Terra: What's with all this limit break crap?! You're perfectly normal up till X-1 damage, but one more HP gone and you go all Super Sayian?! In my game, we only had desperation moves and we liked it!

Tifa: Jealous? *starts glowing* FINAL HEAVEN!!!

Aerith: *also glowing* GREAT GOSPEL!!!

Tifa's attack glances off and hits the pool, sending Michael and Doog sailing.

Michael & Doog: Why me?!

Terra: Oh, you two think you're so special with your flashy moves. MORPH!! *begins glowing brightly*

Tifa: I forgot she could do that...

Terra: You see this? You see the glowing? Yeah. Not a lot of people can do this.

Aerith: It's so pretty!

Terra: Oh, you want some of the glowing? I'm totally gonna rip out your soul and chew on your spirit.

Tifa: How 'bout I just plain KICK YO A**!

---

Tony Tomay - Here we have the most powerful member of the crew the Legendary dreadknaught herself, the unstoppable sage of destruction, SATNAK THE DEVOURER OF GODS.

Satnak - Where is the Cooky, I'm tired of the everlunds recipe. I need Chili.

Tony Tomay - Ms. Devourer we'd like a few words....

Satnak - YOU

Marish - ulp

Satnak dashes straight for the hapless shifter and witha flick of her right hand sends the catgirl straight into the pool. Sans skin.

Marish - AAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MEDIC.

Tony TOmay - lets see that in slow mo. Right here you can see Satnak unleashing a flamesphere upon Marish without even breaking stride or interrupting her toss. Oh here's Mickey the resident healer.

Mickey - out of the way, - leaps into the pool and nearly chokes Marish on a dark lager of regeneration.-

Satnak - Any one who gets between me and the chili will suffer a far worse fate next time. Where is that spoon?

Tony Tomay - Satnak ma'am, plz a moment of your time AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Tony is now holding on for dear life at the top of the Christmas Tree/Mast

---

• as the dimensional barriers slowly unfurl*

• Jarlot, Terra, Tifa, Aerith, Ketler, Michael, Lisa, and even Doog stop cold*

"You... Hurt... the... Cat."

• All of them descend on Satnak*

• Meanwhile Slip wraps up Marish in industrial strength bandages*

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