1001 and more Things that the worst party in Eberron is forbidden from doing/page 3

1000. We do not have a Victory Theme.
1001. Or a victory pose.
1002. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
1003. You may not have a "Chemo-kitty" for your familiar.
1004. Even if they do need extra love.
1005. You do not have superpowers stemming from your boundless rage.
1006. A shovel is not an acceptable substitute for the monk's quarterstaff.
1007. The next person who asks the bard to "Play some Freebird" will be answering directly to the musicians' guild.
1008. See that sign on the wall? That's right. No Stairway.
1009. Dreamlily is not an acceptable substitute for any of the following: Cilantro, Oregano, Basil, Cloves, Garlic, Salt, or Pepper.
1010. No, you may not form a lobbyist group for the liberation of elementals.
1011. There is no cow level.
1012. The helmsman's name is not Maverick.
1013. Nor is it Iceman.
1014. We do not "rice out" the warforged.
1015. Nor the Forgotten Freedom.
1016. When we are at speed, it is not acceptable to shout out "Vtec just kicked in yo!"
1017. Repeat after me, "We do not sell out Captain Jarlot to the authorities."
1018. In Karrnath, Cart does not drive you.
1019. Nor does it in Riedra.
1020. Maybe in the Lord of Blades' realm.
1021. We will not make the warforged give us rickshaw rides.
1022. Guy Fawkes day is not celebrated in Eberron.
1023. Especially not with blowing up Parliament.
1024. DO NOT allow the artificer to fuse a poison gas spell into his finger, then later say "Pull my finger."
1025. Jaela is not your betrothed.
1026. King Kaius is not 'your *****'.
1027. King Boranal does not 'owe you fifty from college'.
1028. The bard is to refrain from singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" as we leave port.
1029. The warforged is not a wind-up toy.
1030. Nor is he named Kryten.
1031. The ship's cat is not a humanoid with a sense of style.
1032. There is no spoon.
1033. There IS a spork.
1034. The Gods don't engange in drinking contests.
1035. There are no leprechauns with pots of gold. I should not tell the greedy rogue this.
1036. They don't have Frosted Lucky Charms, either.
1037. Repeat after me, "I am not a bird, I am not an airship, I am not Superman."
1038. And you still aren't Batman.
1039. You will not polymorph yourself into a little boy and create a specilized invisibility spell that only Jaela can see though and attempt to be her special friend.
1040. Or make said invisibility spell.
1041. The next person who breaks any rules regarding Jaela will be smeared in food and told to walk the plank over an underwater temple of the Devourer.
1042. Please, refrain from casting random fireballs at sacred druid groves... unless the captain says so.
1043. Any umbragen who is a ranger, has two scimitars, and has a black panther onyx figurine will be shot on sight.
1044. Clerics repeat after me "Undying are not to be turned."

      To the Dark Side of the Force.

      Japanese.

      You do not really think so. You do not really think so.

1045. We will not offer to become Privateers for Kaius if he makes us an undead crew.
1046. Commander Adama could not do a better job than me.
1047. The Lord of Blades is not Doctor Doom.
1048. Nor am I.
1049. Cosmic Radiation will kill us, not give us superpowers.
1050. If the human race is largely destroyed by warforged, we will not flee with a ragtag military fleet to the mythical continent of Riedra.
1051. Or Earth.
1052. Warforged are not part of a secret group called "SkyNet".
1053. Putting springs on my Boots of Striding and Springing does not make me spring twice.
1054. A Darkskull is not a good wedding present.
1055. Or a good anniversary present, for that matter.
1056. Skeksis do not come from Khyber.
1057. Jaela does not want a piece of candy.
1058. Potions of Love are not to be used indiscriminantly.
1059. For instance, at a State banquet.
1060. The captain of the Sharn Watch is not 'a jackbooted thug', and I should not try to convince others of this.
1061. I must not place bets on the effects of a Rod of Wonder.
1062. An Immovable Rod is not the ship's emergency brake.
1063. I must not cast Alarm on the ship's latrine.
1064. I must not cast Magic Mouth to say "WHEW!! What did you EAT?" when someone uses the latrine, either.
1065. I must not replace the cleric's holy water with scotch.
1066. Or vodka, either.
1067. Undead can't get drunk.
1068. The cleric is not a 'sawbones'.
1069. The bard's songs are the greatest things I have ever heard.
1070. Unless she is not around to hear me.
1071. Then they are the tortured squawks of dying harpies.
1072. King Kaius does not belong to the Camarilla.
1073. Nor does he belong to the Sabbat.
1074. The elemental ring around the airship does not 'pull-start'.
1075. The artificer will not build a 'holodeck'. Did any of you actually -watch- Star Trek? Do you not know what happens?
1076. The artificer will not build a wonderous item with unlimited uses of detect secret doors, detect traps, and silence so as not to have to pay the rogue a share of treasure for his services.
1077. The captain will not address the airship's "AI".
1078. Especially with the command "main screen turn on".
1079. No officer shall report that anyone has "set us up the bomb".
1080. Even if they have.
1081. You will not refer to the Lhazaar Principalities as "evil Canada".
1082. In all seriousness, you will not do a barrel roll.
1083. The barbarian will not refer to his rage as a 'limit break'.
1084. We do not waste a wish spell on wishing for theme music.
1085. Especially not the Final Fantasy victory theme.
1086. Or the Batman theme.
1087. Because (say it with me..!) you are not Batman.
1088. Even if you have levels in artificer, rogue, and the Master Inquisitive PrC.
1089. The artificer will not craft a "batarang".
1090. Nobody may call 'dibs' on NPC commoner's EXP values.
1091. Nor on Jaela.
1092. Even if you use an action point.
1093. Your character may not control the mists of the Mournland (adopted from our Ravenloft campaign).
1094. Not every ridge is a good place to throw the anchor.
1095. Especially not the spires of Sharn.
1096. The Glass Plateau is not a good place for ice skating.
1097. Whenever you succeed a spot check, thou shalt not announce this by say "Listen! I smell something."
1098. You do not have to ask "Anybody at home, MacFly" whenever you cast a knock spell.
1099. Nor is the formula "Knock, knock, Neo!"
1100. When your female char wakes up besides a handsome guy with a smile on her face, it is not funny to say "Why, oh, why didn't I take the blue pill?"
1101. Even though their facial expressions may be poor, warforged are not constantly stoned. Thus though shalt not name them "Stoners".
1102. Your warforged does not have to say "I'll be back" every time it leaves.
1103. When you're being asked whether you're a god, you say "Yes!"
1104. Deathless do not particulary enjoy Alphaville in general or "Forever Young" in particular.
1105. The next bard who wants to play eighties music will be thrown overboard. Without harp.
1106. You shall not call the ship's personality HAL nor remove its memory banks.
1107. Remember that the ship's personality may read lips.
1108. Giant crystal balls of *beep*, drugs and rock n' roll do not exist.
1109. Kaius will not lend you his harem.
1110. Warforged does not have anything to do with Warhol. Thou shalt not name your warforged Andy Warhol.
1111. Nor have pop-art airbrushes.
1112. The default way to use the ship in the dock is walk over the plank. Not to swing at a cord from the main mast and scream "Geronimooooooo!"
1113. The warforged or any other character who weighs more than 1000 pounds while not having particular large feet should not go first in the swamp.
1114. Thou shalt not call your goblin servant Toby.
1115. Trying to talk ghosts in the Mournland into being nihilists and dissolve is not an approved tactic.
1116. Not every level of Sharn below the one you are currently at is automatically a garbage dump.
1117. Brilliant energy longswords are not lightsabers.
1118. Thou shalt not quote the monologue of Lady Macbeth in Queen Aurala's presence.
1119. No, the Artificer cannot build a lightsaber.
1120. Nor can he make the ship make point five past lightspeed.
1121. The Elemental Ring is not a garbage disposal.
1122. Or a cigarette lighter.
1123. The Warforged is not allowed to "light up" a Noxious Smokestick.
1124. It is not time to buzz the tower.
1125. You may not annoy the elemental by firing Rays of Frost at the Ring.
1126. You cannot make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
1127. You still aren't Batman.
1128. Walking up a flight of stairs does not mean you 'went up a level'.
1129. The Draconic Prophecy is not "Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse".
1130. Niether is it "six parts gin to one part vermouth'.
1131. We are not allowed to send messages to the Bad Guy reading "If youre not wearing any underwear, smile."
1132. The warforged will NOT refer to himself in conversation in the third person, nor is he to start a sentence with "Me Grimlock..."
1133. He is not allowed to start a barbarian rage by shouting "HULK SMASH!" either.
1134. Lammania is not the 'forest plain of Endor'.
1135. When repairing the warforged, be sure to attach his legs so he 'won't have to be in this ridiculous position'.
1136. The Cogs are not to be refered to as Slumsville.
1137. Even if they are a slum.
1138. I may not sell the shifter for magic beans.
1139. I may not form chain gangs.
1140. Frostfell is not 'the Great White North'.
1141. I will not ask Karnnathi citizens if they eat Karnnathi Bacon or regular Bacon.
1142. Bug spray does not work on Stirges.
1143. Daelkyr do not need to 'mellow'.
1144. The Lords of Dust are not a drug gang.
1145. An arcane caster from Lhazaar is not a "Wizard of the Coast".
1146. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
1147. The warforged is not Iron Man.
1148. Nor does he have jetboots.
1149. Nor is the artificer allowed to make such a thing.
1150. Nor is he allowed to make a "Beam Cannon".
1151. For the last time there is no gunpowder in Eberron.
1152. And no, you still aren't Batman.
1153. Stop telling the warforged this as well.
1154. You are not to convert to LG, take levels as a paladin of the Silver Flame, then fall and prestige class into blackguard simply because you think Pontiff Jaela would find a 'bad boy' irresistible.
1155. It is also wrong to suggest this plan to the paladin, or any who are LG anyway.
1156. You shall not refer to the warforged as, 'Your plastic pal who's fun to be with'.
1157. You will not draw a moustache on The Face of Tira.
1158. Nor a pair of glasses.
1159. Nor will you pay someone to do it for you.
1160. Nor enscroll them to do it either.
1161. No one on the crew will ever say, 'What happens in Atur, stays in Atur.'
1162. You will not refer to the Crimson Monastery as, 'The Blood Bank'.
1163. You will not create a Karrnath military structure named any of the following: Fort Spleen, Fort Toenail, Fort Eyelash, Fort Small Intestine, or a fort named after any other part of a body.
1164. You will not put a bumper sticker on the airship that says, 'My alma mater is Rekkenmark Academy'.
1165. Even if it was.
1166. We do not go to the plane of Daanvi before ordering out. The Plane of Perfect Order does not have anything to do with ordering food.
1167. I don't care if Dal Quor is the Region of Dreams, you still aren't allowed anywhere near Jaela, even in that plane.
1168. You shall not refer to the souls existing in Dolurrh as 'Deadheads'.
1169. We do not have to go to Fernia to roast marshmallows.
1170. Nor do we have to summon extra fire elementals just for that purpose. Use the ring around the airship like everybody else.
1171. You shall not open a portal to Irian just to get a tan.
1172. The Faerie Court does not mean what you think it does.
1173. You are not to arrange for Pontiff Jaela to travel to Thelanis for 312 days, simply so she'll be 18 years old when she comes back.
1174. Nor 676 days, so she'll be 25.
1175. In fact, you're not allowed near her at all. Get over this obsession.
1176. You are not to do evil things then say, "But I was possessed. A demon made me do it."
1177. Unless that is the truth.
1178. In which case we'll have a Exorcist of the Silver Flame exorcize you.
1179. I said an Exorcist! Pontiff Jaela doesn't have any levels in that class, so don't bother getting yourself possessed.
1180. The artificer infusion 'Suppress Requirement' does not suppress Thanish age of consent laws.
1181. The spell is 'Feast of Champions'. not 'Breakfast of Champions'.
1182. There is no official skill called 'sexual prowess'.
1183. Thus, the artificer can not create a 'skill enhancement' item to improve your roll on said skill.
1184. You will not take control of any of the Towers of Arcanix and dunk them in Lake Galifar.
1185. Or any other bodies of water.
1186. No one shall alter the maps. It's name is Lake Dark, not Lake Darkwing Duck.
1187. We do not throw nets over the side of the airship, drag them along the ground, pull them up and refer to anything inside as 'the catch of the day'.
1188. You will not refer to a group made up of House Vadalis, House Ghallanda, and House Cannith as 'the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker'.
1189. A Prospector's Rod is a magic item for finding minerals in the ground. It is not a euphemism for a part of the half-orc's body.
1190. An Essence of the Scout component for warforged does not require, literally, 'the essence of the scout'.
1191. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
1192. Zakya Rakshasas are not to be referred to as 'T-I-Double-grrr-E-R'.
1193. You will not learn the spell clone, simply in the hopes of finding a lock of Pontiff Jaela's hair somewhere. According to the spell description that won't work, and besides, that's just sick.
1194. There will be no cloning Jaela to 18 years old so there's enough for everyone.
      
1195. Jaela's mother is not a MILF.
1196. Nor is Queen Aurala.
1197. King Boranal's eldest daughter is not to be referred to as "my ticket to monarchial goodness".
1198. King Boranal's younger daughter is not to be referred to as "my backup plan to monarchial goodness".
1199. King Boranal romance with his wife is to not to described with the song from the Brady Bunch nor are they to be referred to as the "Borry Bunch".
1200. We are not going to paint the warship orange with a big Cyrean flag on the bottom.
1201. It is not the General Lee.
1202. We are not a bunch of "Good ol' Boys".
1203. Nor do we give "Rebel Yells".
1204. Marish the Catgirl can wear Daisy Dukes.
1205. Queen Aurala's slightly overweight brother is not to be referred to as "Boss Hog".
1206. It is impossible to make an airship go fast enough to make leaps across ravines without using the flying mechanism.
1207. Nor will we use it stop in midair to make narrations.
1208. Even if we put wheels on it.
1209. The airship does not contain a 'flux capacitor".
1210. It is not powered by 'Mr. Fusion'.
1211. It cannot reach 88 miles per hour, not even in a dive, so we're not going to try, so stop asking already.
1212. It is not produced by d'Lorien (or even L. d'Orien. Scary coincidence, eh?) and it is not made of stainless steel, whatever that is.
1213. Ducks are not Air to Air missiles.
      
1214. Chickens and cows are not to be used as ammunition during airship bombing runs.
1215. Signing Marish the Catgirl up to be the pontiff's holy playmate is strongly discouraged (yes, even is you offer to scry them for the whole crew while 'at play').
1216. No one may refer to the warforged as "paranoid androids".
1217. When we are repelling borders, demanding that they "go away or you shall taunt them a second time" is a waste of valuable resources. Stop it.
1218. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are the Deathless to be referred to as "Bubba Ho-teps".
1219. No feat from the Book of Erotic Fantasy works on Jaela. Get over it.
1220. "Eat my shorts" is not a proper response to the villain's monologue.
1221. Where the Cleansing is concerned, shifters are not to be encouraged to "get over it".
1222. Anyone caught "doing the robot" with the warforged had better be dancing.
1223. No one may start a religion that worships twinkies.
1224. Even though they are filled with wholesome goodness.
1225. And are, in fact, the most awesomest snack food ever invented.
1226. No, your character cannot devolop a tolerance for dreamlily.
1227. Whomever has been betting the title to the ship on the kobold races had better stop it.
1228. I don't care how many times you've won.
1229. Just because the shifter hasn't bathed today, you may not refer to him as "Pigpen" or "the Lord of the Flies".
1230. Stop encouraging the changeling to "look like Jaela" for you.
1231. Stop feeding books to the shifters (it doesn't matter that they don't know the difference).
1232. "Dee-dee-dee" is not a proper response to anything.
1233. When a party member dies, no one may exclaim, "OMG, you killed Kenny! You s!"
1234. And Mr. Hanky does NOT live in the Cogs.
1235. The warforged do not have smell resistance
1236. It is wrong to tell them so.
1237. If for any reason you meddle in the affairs of the Chamber, I will personally tie you up and hand them a bottle of ketchup.
1238. The Lord of Blades CAN chew nails and spit coins.
1239. You can't.
1240. The Mournlands is not to be referred to as "The Deadlands".
1241. The group sorcerer is not a 'huckster'.
1242. You may not Wish Jaela to be 18 years old.
1243. So stop trying to bribe every wizard to cast the spell.
1244. The airship does not have a CD player.
1245. Hell, it doesn't even have an 8-track player.
1246. The shifter will not be referred to as 'Morris'.
1247. Even if he does tend to hum the damned 'Meow Mix' song.
1248. We are not Greyhound and do not drive you anywhere for 69 gp.
1249. For the love of the Host, DON'T leave the driving to us.
1250. You are not allowed to try to skip the gnome across Lake Mirror.
1251. You are not allowed to bullfight a Gorgon.
1252. Not even if Jaela promises 'a kiss to the winner'.
1253. When the bad guy is done with his tirade, do NOT ask "You and whose army?"
1254. For he will show you whose army.
1255. Never ask the bad guy if he has ever had an evilgasm.
1256. Never ask the evil woman "Do you douche?"
1257. The first person to say 'TGIF' DIES!!!!
1258. You will not sacrifice minions to solve a problem.
1259. You will not befriend the Elemental and call him Kitt.
1260. The fire ring cannot be made to look like a blinking light in a triangle in front of the ship.
1261. David Hasselhoff has not been cool for two decades...
1262. If ever.
1263. You will not have the Wolf Shifter magician helmsman cast cantrips on the ship to make "Airwolf" noises.
1264. We cannot rebuild your character...
1265. We do not have the technology.
1266. Stop trying to make unholy experimentations of grafting warforged parts.
1267. To answer the question definitively, NO you cannot harvest mithril or adamantine from dead warforged! It's like graverobbing!
1268. The fact that graverobbing doesn't deter you should not encourage you!
1269. Would you cut off the fingers of someone turned into gold by polymorph?
1270. Yes is not a good answer.
1271. NO, YOU CAN'T TRY IT!
1272. You cannot get a dragonmark through skin grafts. So stop trying.
1273. What the hell is wrong with your cleric!?
1274. No, you cannot breed hippogriffons.
1275. Or give THEM warforged grafts.
1276. You shall not attempt to become Thranish privateers to get on Jaela's good side.
1277. The Devourer is not the All-Powerful Sarlacc.
1278. There are no Tusken Raiders in Valenar.
1279. Just because elves have pointy ears does not mean they 'know this guy named Spock'.
1280. We dont have phasers or photon torpedoes on the airship.
1281. We don't even have a cuisinart.
1282. Unless you count the warforged with the Whirlwind feat.
1283. It's pretty Bitc#in to see.
1284. No, he can't demonstrate it right now.
1285. You are not allowed to make a film of the Sharn Watch in action and call it "Troops".
1286. Nor can you call it "COPS".
1287. And there is no show called "Aundair's Most Wanted".
1288. And you may not make one.
1289. Khorvaire's Wildest Watch Chases is okay.
1290. 'Knock yourself out' is NOT a literal phrase or a legal order.
1291. So stop telling it to the warforged.
1292. YOU STILL AREN'T BATMAN!! GIVE IT UP, ALREADY!!!
1293. Sneaking into the women's showers does not qualify you as an Extreme Explorer.
1294. Ship's Log entries are not to be made in L33t 5p33k.
1295. Anyone caught doing so will be keel-hauled.
1296. Twice.
1297. You will not gloat ever a kill by saying "I PWNED HIM!!"
1298. See rules number 1166 and 1167 about this one.
1299. Wizards are not to use their Teleport spells to telefrag someone.
1300. See rule number 1169 about this one.
1301. The Shifters must clean their own hair out of the shower drains.
1302. You are not allowed to tell rookies that it's their job.
1303. Especially the hot ones.
1304. Going out with a Salamander is not a 'hot date'.
1305. Even though it will be a hot date.
1306. The snake-charming trick doesnt work on Yuan-ti.
1307. Stop telling the bard this.
1308. The artificer is not 'Mr. Goodwrench'.
1309. A Wand of Light is not to be refered to as a MagLite. And you cannot use it to 'crack some skulls'.
1310. Casting Grease on the inside of a pail and casting Heat Metal on the pail will not let you deep fry anything.
1311. You may not bungee jump from the ship.
1312. We are not on a five-year mission.
1313. There is no such thing as "Phoenix Down".
1314. If there were such a thing, it could not be used to "one-shot" Kaius.
1315. Or Vol.
1316. Or Moranna.
1317. Or any other undead.
1318. Telling the warforged this may get you keel-hauled or simply "Volunteered" into the Karrnathi Army.
1319. And no, I have no idea what effect said imaginary "down" would have on Deathless.
1320. You may not test it out on them.
1321. Even if the artificer can somehow make it.
1322. If he does, you two will walk the plank over The Lair of the Keeper.
1323. The Lair is not to be referred to as the "Souls R' Us".
1324. You shall not invite a priest of "Keith Baker" onto the ship. I dont care if his domain power makes our daring exploits easier.
1325. You will not infer that said Keith Baker is the lord above the progenitor dragons, especially with the fact the prophecy constantly references a baker's dozen.
1326. Due to the ship being nearly destroyed by the Thrannish Inquisition, all crew members are banned from changeling brothels.
1327. Especially the warforged.
1328. Do not ever ask me to explain the why behind the last two.
1329. If you do, I will hereby remove you from the ship. Over Xen'drick.
1330. You are not Batman! And Jaela is DEFINITLY not Batgirl OR Catwoman.
1331. Nor is she Birdgirl.
1332. No, you may not have a living fireball as a familiar. Especially not on my ship!
1333. Daelkyr do not look human "to save on the SFX".
1334. Smashing a vase of flowers over their head is not a good tactic.
1335. Imbuing artificer tools with sonic energy does not help them repair things.
1336. Especially the screwdrivers.
1337. Creatures from Xoriat look like terrifying monsters from a world of insanity, not men in dodgy rubber suits.
1338. Nor do they walk menacingly towards us so painfully slowly that you can get away at a brisk pace.
1339. The warforged cannot purchase a "stomach of holding".
1340. Don't go near freaky-looking kids in the Mournlands.
1341. Don't go near normal-looking kids in the Mournlands.
1342. Especially ones asking if we've seen their mummy.
1343. Or ones with hair covering the front of their face.
1344. Don't go near old folks in the Mournlands.
1345. Don't go near solitary corpses in the Mournlands.
1346. Look, just don't go into the Mournlands.
1347. The warforged's animal companion is not a construct dog called K9.
1348. Success is not measured in Vol-au-vents.
1349. Even if the ambassador's party covers our food need for months.
1350. There is a limit to how much weight the cleric can carry.
1351. Ancient temples exceed this limit.
1352. Especially if they were built by giants.
1353. People in Sharn do not "just pee off the walkways".
1354. This is not an explanation of why it's always raining there.
1355. No warforged bard or aristocrat is allowed to be "fluent in more than six forms of communication".
1356. You are not to plunge an airship filled with explosive powder with a +5 holy lance as its prow at full throttle into anything, ever.
1357. Especially not King Kaius's royal suite.
1358. Even if he is a Nazi.
1359. No matter how much the big scary lizard men insist it is honorable for a great warrior, you will not eat the cooked body of the dead Shifter Silver Flame cleric after his death in a massive battle over land in Xen'drick.
1360. Even if your drunken captain threatens to make you walk the plank if you don't.
1361. Just because the Wizard wears a pointy hat does not mean he "knows this dude named Gandalf".
1362. Or Belgarath.
1363. Or Rincewind.
1364. Especially not Elminster.
1365. The Warforged is not to flail his arms and shout "Danger! Danger!"
1366. Even if there is danger.
1367. When we meet the cleric of the Silver Flame, leave the pea soup on the ship. And stop hissing and cowering when you see his holy symbol.
1368. It is never a good idea to throw your employer off a mountain.
1369. Even if the job was more difficult than anticipated and kills many friends/co-adventurers.
1370. Wilting celery is not an indication you are in a hazardous environment.
1371. Okay, maybe it is, non-wilting celery does not mean the atmosphere is safe though.
1372. The warforged may disregard the last two items.
1373. Dragon hearts are not crystalline.
1374. They are not required to power warforged titans.
1375. Anyone even thinking about trying to prove or disprove this will be keelhauled.
1376. Warforged titans are not battery powered.
1377. Warforged titans can fight for more than five minutes.
1378. Warforged titans are neither sentient nor piloted. They are only slightly smarter than golems.
1379. Anyone disturbing warforged titans will be left behind.
1380. The mark on the warforged brow cannot be removed.
1381. Even if it could it would not destroy it.
1382. So stop threatening it with an erase spell.
1383. Repeat after me. No one on this ship is Batman, not even the glidewing shifter.
1384. Just because the dragons of Eberron are not normal big treasure holding monsters does not mean they won't eat you if you annoy them.
1385. You are not a "Caped Crusader" even if you happen to Crusade and wear a cape.
1386. It is not a utility belt if you happen to carry a bunch of gadgets that are useful around your waist.
1387. You are not the "Dark Knight" even if you happen to wear black armor.
1388. Giving the King's Citadel a Continual light spell before an image of the Ship is neither cool nor advisable. Even if it does make an interesting signal for our help.
1389. A lightning couch spraypainted black and armed with weapons is not the Batmobile.
1390. It is not funny or interesting if all of you had your parents gunned down in a filthy alley before your eyes to inspire this quest.
1391. Kidnapping street orphans to train as sidekicks will likely get them killed.
1392. It is a BOOM-erang.
1393. Sharn's nickname is not "Gotham", even if it does have Gothic architecture.
1394. It is neither nifty nor fun to build your mansion over a cave to hide your vast array of tricks and crime laboratories.
1395. Marish is not to be referred to as Catwoman, even if she is a shifter thief.
1396. Queen Aurala's portly brother is NOT the Penguin.
1397. King Kaius may have a hot and sexy daughter and be out to purge the world but he is not Rais Al Ghul.
1398. You cannot name the warforged Alfred and make him your butler.
1399. It is wrong even if the warforged agrees.
1400. King Boranal's brother who runs the Citadel is not "Commissioner Gordon".
1401. Even if his daughter is a redhead and fights crime with us.
1402. Making the sails like Batwings and painting the ship black does not make it the Batplane.
1403. Frank Miller will not do the comic adaptation of our lives.
1404. Sadly Keith Griffen will.
1405. Locking up all of our crazy villains in an asylum we pay for and name Gotham STILL doesn't make you Batman.
1406. Dressing up in a costume to attack muggers on rooftops randomly will not be the setup for them saying "What are you..."
1407. No matter how many times you try it.
1408. Do not encourage the wizard to cast illusions of balloons that say "Bomph", "Bamph", "SLAM" with every hit you make.
1409. We will not get a dimensional portal to kill Joel Schumacher for ruining the story.
1410. Scratch 1470, I'm willing to give you some leeway in this one.
1411. Making riddles in the sky with the airship so we can pretend the villain left them is stupid, not adding mystique.
1412. The Chain of Command is a system of determining authority, not the chain you use to beat your unwilling subordinates until they realise who's in ruttin' command.
1413. No, the artifacer cannot imbue your toothbrush with 'sonicare' energy.
1414. The Hymn to Onatar is not "Amazing Wrench".
1415. Nor is it "Hammer time".
1416. Singing or dancing to either tune will get you flogged.
1417. Especially dancing to either tune.
1418. The proper way to ask for healing is not "YO, cleric! Beer me!"
1419. Khyber does not take the form of David Bowie.
1420. All of Eberron would unite to slay him if he did.
1421. Knowing all the cold-based spells in existance does NOT make you Mr. Freeze.
1422. YOU ARE STILL NOT BATMAN!!
1423. You also weigh a little more than 108.
1424. The Mockery is not also known as 'Joker'.
1425. You are not allowed to stack a Deck of Many Things.
1426. The warforged is NOT to be lubed with molasses.
1427. Even if it does make him move faster.
1428. Having parts left over when you fix the warforged is probably a bad thing.
1429. The airship does not have afterburners.
1430. You are not allowed to air-bomb the Eldeen Reaches with catnip to "chill out the shifters".
1431. Maximized, Heightened, Empowered Rays of Frost are just plain stupid.
1432. New crew members are not nOObs.
1433. The paladin chick will not 'loosen up after a few beers'.
1434. The bard is not a member in good standing of the Fraternity Tappa Kegga Brew.
1435. So stop asking him to tappa kegga brew.
1436. We don't have a wine cellar.
1437. We don't have a 5-star galley, either.
1438. The Mror Holds is not the location of the Mines of Mroria.
1439. Orcs and goblins are two separate critters.
1440. But they are not as pathetic as Kobolds.
1441. It's pronounced 'Eye-gore'.
1442. It isn't Frooderick Frankunsteen. Its Frederick.
1443. Nazareth's "Hair of the dog" is not your theme song.
1444. Unless you are the Lord of Blades.
1445. Despite what you may have heard, 42 IS the Ultimate Answer.
1446. The captain's brain does not run on citrus fruit.
1447. Despite what you may have heard, the name of the ship's crew is not 'Certain Death'.
1448. Spam isnt a weapon of mass destruction.
1449. I should not tell the warforged this.
1450. Your seat cushion does not double as a flotation device.
1451. Neither does the gnome.
1452. I don't care how old yer halfling is, he isn't wearing depends of holding!
1453. And no, the artificer can't make him any!
1454. And no one at any time, anywhere, drink the warm, frothy, beer on the table in front of said halfling... it's not beer!
1455. Never put the 120-year-old halfling on guard duty!
1456. Especially by himself or with a cranky barbarian!
1457. Re: 1486. It is wrong to tell warforged otherwise.
1458. We will not make Metal Gear units to take over the world.
1459. My name is not Snake Eater.
1460. Solid Snake is not a reference to my genitalia.
1461. Nor can I pretend it is.
1462. We will not boast that we have a 90% mortality rate.
1463. Not even to necromancers.
1464. We will not sell the dead to necromancers.
1465. Especially not King Kaius.
1466. The artificer does not need to use empty beer cans to repair the warforged.
1467. We told you to do that BEFORE we left.
1468. No, we will not get fly-through.
1469. Any members of House Sivis are not to wander around, saying "Can you hear me now? Good."
1470. No, you can not have the last slice of pizza.
1471. Or the last beer, for that matter.
1472. The captain gets those.
1473. Unless it is bitter.
1474. Or weak.
1475. Or made on the plane of radiance.
1476. The Kalashtar Soulknife is not allowed to claim that his silver-colored soulknife is a piece of the Silver Flame.
1477. It is wrong to tell Silver Flame worshipers this.
1478.  :censored:
1479. Am I understood?
1480. You are especially to never tell this to Jaela. (Thanks to Lup1n3)
1481. If you do you will be keelhauled by the crew, until my ship gets tired.
1482. Being a ranger on my airship does not make you an Airborne Ranger.
1483. Nor does it mean you can sing cadences all day and night.
1484. The next person who shouts "Oohrah!" on this ship gets tossed over the side.
1485. There is always time for love.
1486. Stop calling me Dr. Jones.
1487. Whaddaya mean there's no pilot?!
1488. It belongs in a museum!
1489. Ah, who am I kidding. Let's divvy up the loot.
1490. No, you cannot steal his pants.
1491. The staff is mine.
1492. New regulation. Phobias are not to be treated by punching the affected in the head.
1493. Ever.
1494. Telling the watch to cast an illusion spell of a bat silhouette over the towers of Sharn does not make you Batman.
1495. Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do it.
1496. You are not to tell your stupid, big-ass fighter that there was an order of noble, feared, powerful knights called "The Knights of Suck-ee-Nam-Nam", and make him admire them so much, that he begins wearing their signature outfit consisting of a Napoleon-style yellow hat, purple silk tabard, gigantic light-green puff-pants and knee-high blue leather boots.
1497. Even if there was such an order of (obviously colorblind) knights.
1498. Crew members are to refrain from sticking a note to the Captain's back reading "Kiss my big fiery ring"...
1499. Especially the morning after Ship's Chili Night.