A character for Kobolds Ate My Baby Super Deluxx Edition; character by g026r.
Have you heard about the new pirtae movie?It's rated AARRRRRR! Why? Because of all the booty! A pirtae walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.The bartender asks, Why are you wearing a paper towel? Arrrrr says the pirtae. I've got a bounty on me head! Where did the one legged pirtae go for breakfast?IHOP -A pirtae with an eye patch, a hook, and a peg leg walks into a tavern and orders a rum. Curious, the bartender says, You look like you've been through a lot of sea battles. How did you get the peg leg? The pirtae answered, Arr, a cannonball blew me leg right off in the midst of battle! Wow! And how about the hook? asked the bartender. Arr, me hand was eaten by a shark on the high seas! That's amazing! And the eye patch? Arr, a seagull crapped in me eye. Confused, the bartender asked, How can you lose your eye from seagull crap? Replied the pirtae, Well, it was me first day with the hook. arrrrrrrr!
- Brawn: 7
- Meat: 2
- Ego: 9
- Cunning: 3
- Extraneous: 9
- Luck: 3
- Reflexes: 2
- Agility: 1
- Hits: 7
- Lackey (Dangerous!) (Spell: Summon Horrible Demon That Enjoyeth Eating Kobolds)
- Speak Human (Words: No, yes, me, them, kill, help, friend, spell, kobold)
+Edges and -Bogies
- +Bark Like a Kobold
- +Kobold Senses
- +Animal Chum
- -Taste Like Chicken
- -In Heat
- Left Paw: Cup of Milk Elemental Summoning
- Right Paw: Club (+Bash)
- Armour: Lintmail Vest (Hits 1)
"King Torg (All hail King Torg!) surely wonder why Grog return. King Torg (All hail King Torg!) must remember that King Torg (All hail King Torg!) kick Grog out after Grog spill pot containing King Torg's (All hail King Torg!) supper.
"Don't hit Grog! Don't hit Grog! Grog explain!
"Grog afraid when kicked out. World big place, full of things that want to eat kobold. But Grog strong kobold. Grog smart kobold. (Grog not very nimble kobold though, or else Grog not spill King Torg's (All hail King Torg!) supper in first place.)
"Aeeeeee! Don't hit Grog! Don't hit Grog!
"Grog go wandering. Grog find chicken shack. In chicken shack chickens. Grog eat chickens. Then chickens' owner comes. Chickens' owner wizard, but chickens' owner for some reason find Grog funny. Not kill Grorg. Rather take in Grog as servant. Grog learn magic from wizard master. But still Grog yearns to return to loving caves and King Torg (All hail King Torg!). So Grog sneak out one night and Grog come home. Grog hope new skills be helpful to King Torg (All hail King Torg!) and King Torg (All hail King Torg!) not still be angry over soup.
"Aeeeeee! Don't hit Grog! Don't hit Grog!"
(There's some truth in Grog's tale: the chicken's owner was a wizard, but he didn't take him in. In fact, Grog couldn't even bring himself to eat the chickens, and instead hid among them and snacked on their feed. Rather, Grog hid and cowered, though he did manage to pick up a few words of human and a single spell during his time there. Unfortunately he couldn't manage to keep all of them in his memory on the walk back, and bluffs if anybody asks him to show them the spell. He did steal a Cup of Milk Elemental Summoning before he left, though he had no idea what it was at the time; you can imagine his surprise the first time he tried to drink out of it.)
Erm. What's to say? It's a chance to go into bad Smeagol-style narration. Other than that, it's somebody who's probably going to end up very dead very quickly.