Forgotten Freedom:18
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Several hours later in Mickey’s makeshift hospital, Jarlot is sitting next to Lisa’s unconscious form.
Lisa: (Slowly stirring) Ugh, what happened to me? I feel like I just ate a batch of 12 alarm d’Norbaz and washed it down with a liquid keelhauling.
Jarlot: An ancient evil force possessed you, but you probably shouldn’t hold that against Kanatash. He did it to drive the Whispering Dark out of you.
Lisa: But what happened? Everything from the last few days is a blur.
Jarlot: Well, you were taken over by the Whispering Dark and went on a rampage. The ship is critically damaged and the majority of the crew is sharing sickbay with you right now.
Lisa: By the Flame, what have I done!
Jarlot: You’ve done a fair amount of dark acts, but on the bright side I expect that most of the crew is so scared of you now that you should have an easier time with all that goody-goody, righteousness stuff you do.
Lisa: That’s sort of an improvement, I think.
Jarlot: Yes, well, you just go back to recovering for now and don’t be bothered by Cool Cthulhu. He should be waking up soon.
Cool Cthulhu: (from the bed next to Lisa) Whoa dude, that had to be one ugly trip. I don’t feel so hot.
Jarlot: (walking away) Well that only leaves one thing. (outside the room) Michael, come here!
Michael: Whatcha want cap'n?
Jarlot: (handing Lisa’s old hammer to him) I want you to take this to Lisa and after you give it to her I want you to grab her chest.
Michael: And why the **** should I do that? There’s no way I’m going to give her a weapon and then give her a reason to hit me with it.
Jarlot: I thought you might say that. Kanatash! If you help me I’ll cut down the length of your sessions with the old dwarf lady!
Kanatash: (floating out of the wall) If you insist. (psionically dominates Michael) I’m sure you understand this isn’t personal. I’m just looking out for my own best interest. I know in the same situation you’d do the same.
Michael mechanically walks into Lisa’s room and drops the warhammer in her hands before proceeding to grope her.
Lisa: Why you little! (begins smiting evil)
Jarlot: Good, she has her paladin abilities back. All is right in the world.
Kanatash: Well as close as they ever get on this ship. I’m sure that won’t last long either.
(The Terribly shadowy place of pure evil, the Lair of the Ultimate Dark)
Ultimate Dark: So, Floral dark is dead I trust?
Whispering Dark: Yes master, we saw it happen.
Ultimate Dark: Calling Dark, how strong do you say this crew is?
Calling Dark: They where fully capable of subduing the reaper from Sa'vor's mind, so they are quite capable of stopping many of us.
Whispering Dark: Yes, that is true, but their minds are weakened by insanity, the only mind I was not capable of bending to my will when required was Sa'vor's, his mind was strangely shielded, though his old Master calls.
Ultimate Dark: Yes, I have seen it, his future is clear.
Following Dark: What would that be?
Ultimate Dark: He is the one who leads the Lord of the Illithids to power, he is the one who leads the Chosen one into the shadows.
Following Dark: I have seen this chosen one, master, he is but a drunk fool.
Ultimate Dark: Until he reaches the tomb he is so, we shall not let them reach the tomb or gather that eye of Prophecy.
Following Dark: Who shall you send, o lord?
Ultimate Dark: I shall Send ... The Dancing Shadows.
Following Dark: *gasp* are you sure that's really neccesary?
Calling Dark: My lord, I shall go with the Dancing Shadows and make sure it succeeds.
Ultimate Dark: Inplant the message in our summoner, go now!
Calling Dark: Yes master, I obey !
(Hoybee moves silently for an old man, he walks down to the cargo bay and begins and makes a octogram out of blood on the floor, he begins to chant and the shadows swirl to form the Calling Dark Symbol)
Hoybe: My Masters, do you have a task for me at this late hour where the Dark becomes one?
Calling Dark: We do.
Hoybe: So be it, what would this be?
Calling Dark: Prepare to have the Dancing Shadows dwell in your mind for a time, when you reach the tomb, invoke my symbol alongside a few of my brethren and we will reward you by all possessing your body indefinitly.
Hoybee: You honour me, my masters!
Calling Dark: Indeed.
(From the shadows Sa'vor, Kithle and Kantash watch)
Sa'vor: Well, this is intresting
Kithle: I wonder... is he possessed ?
Sa'vor: Most definitely, I've noticed that he could actually read recently
Kantash: Should me move in on them?
Sa'vor: No, they must believe their plan has worked, we shall prepare to beat them once we get to the tomb
Kantash: How powerful is the Dancing Shadows?
Sa'vor: Imagine a god... good... now imagine a god of shadows that is more powerful than any other... good... now imagin a god of dance and music gets absorbed by the Shadow god... good... now give said god almost invincibility and mastery over... *shudders* the musical.
Kithle: Oh dear sweet Khyber, how would we stop it?
Sa'vor: I ... errr... don't know.
Kantash and Kithle: YOU DON'T KNOW!
Sa'vor: I never had to find out, it will take me some studying, we better leave now.
Satnak: I hope the chilis good tonight, Floral Dark just doesn't stick to the ribs.
Dooj: Wait a tick, you like the chili?!
Satnak: Yeah, why not?
Dooj: That stuff gives Red Dragons heartburn!!
Satnak: Peh, Dragons are pansies. You ever seen one try to use a hammer? Its hil-larry-ass.
Dooj: Why was a dragon using a hammer?
Satnak: He knocked over an orphanage I told him to put it back together.
Dooj: But why did he do it?
Satnak: I... Told... Him... To. (GLARE)
Dooj: ULP... yes ma'am.
Bruce Ki: Hey guys.
Jarlot: Where the frack have you been?
Bruce Ki: Oh, at the tournament.
Jarlot: Tournament?
Bruce Ki: There's always a tournament.
Jarlot: Uh huh.
Bruce Ki: I brought some friends over to visit.
Ryu: Yo.
Ken: Hey man.
Chun Li: Yatai!
Bruce Ki: Chun Li weirdly doesn't speak any sensible Chinese but....
Jarlot: HELLOooooooo.
Chun Li: SPINNING BIRD KICK!
Ryu: OOoooooo
Ken: Ouch!
Jarlot: Feisty!
Bruce Ki: But yes, basically, while at the tournament I contacted my true inner self and realized I'm actually a Gold Dragon of Argonessan and that I'm truly the Grand Protector of the Universe against the Cosmic Unbalancers. Therefore, I have decided to spend most of my days from now on looking wise and powerful while randomly picking fights with those I view as unbalancing the universe.
Jarlot: I like Chinese girls. Does she have a sister?
Bruce Ki: Captain Jarlot....
Jarlot: I've played that fighting game. There's one called Sakura right? Or Kitana?
Bruce Ki: You like to get beat up....
Jarlot: Part of the reason I stay onboard with Lisa and Marish uses claws... rowr.
Bruce Ki: I will need meditation and Chlorox to get that image out of my head. In any case, I must go contemplate my Animality.
Jarlot: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Go knock off Kanatash's doppelganger. There's one too many of those.
Bruce Ki: Excellent, my chance to use my new weapon....
Jarlot: What... the... HELL are those?
Bruce Ki: Sword-chucks! Yo! Two katana on a chain! Twice the cool!
Muradin is staring off into space. Bolt Tooth Tony sneeks up and shoots Muradin in the back with his crossbow.
Muradin: Ouch, why did you shoot me?
Bolt Tooth Tony: It wasn't me.
Muradin: Oh, okay.
Lisa walks up to B.T.T.
Lisa: WHY DID YOU SHOOT HIM?
Bolt Tooth Tony: Umm I didn't do it
Lisa: You really think that will work on me?
Bolt Tooth Tony: Um - yes
Lisa: Too bad.
Lisa takes her hammer and beats Bolt Tooth Tony until he is a heap on the ground.
Muradin: Why did you do that? He didn't shoot me.
Lisa shakes her head and walks away.
Muradin: (looks at Bolt Tooth Tony) Hmm, that thing looks familiar.
(Muradin flashes back to his childhood when he was playing with his friend Volrath.)
Volrath: Okay, Muradin, whatever you do, don't read this book (holds up a covered book), because it will be very bad for you.
Muradin: Oh, okay.
Two weeks later
Volrath: Hey Muradin I'm going to look for some spell components for my dad, I will be back.
Muradin: Okay, but come back soon - poo.
After Volrath leaves, Muradin forgets Volrath's warning and starts reading the covered book. He gets to a page where there's a picture of a pile of flesh (looks like a human on the ground in a heap). The book starts glowing and the creature comes to life and attacks Muradin, after a painful hour of being beaten nearly to death, the creature goes back into the book.
(End of flashback)
(Present time)
Muradin: Wait, I know what that is!
Bolt Tooth Tony: (moves weakly) What happened.
Muradin: MURADIN SMASH!
Bolt Tooth Tony: Oh ****
Muradin hits Bolt-Tooth-Tony with hammer
Bolt Tooth Tony: *cry*
Kanatash: Captain, I'd like to speak with you.
Jarlot: SHHH! Be verrrrrrrry quiet. I'm huntin' Cool Cthulhu.
Kanatash: You've... got to be kidding me.
- FLUSSSHHHHH*
Cool Cthulhu: *exits bathroom* Oh my goodness, that chili doesn't stay with you, does it.
Jarlot: *fires shotgun*
Kanatash: Captain, gunpowder doesn't work on this astral plane. You need SMOKEPOWDER.
Jarlot: Gawd damn you, MALCOLM RENYOLDS! YOU CHEATED ME AGAIN!
Cool Cthulhu: Oh hi Captain! I knitted you a sweater!
Jarlot: It has eight arms.
Cool Cthulhu: Whoops! Sorry! This is one for my niece.
Kanatash: I need to basically talk about your issues of attempting to kill me.
Jarlot: What gives you that idea?
Kanatash: The fact you're not even trying to hide it. The bylaws for example have it stenciled in "All laws about leaving no one behind do not apply to Kanatash or Cool Cthulhu". Is this about driving you insane?
Jarlot: Maybe.
Kanatash: I point out you were hardly playing with a full stack to begin with. The schizophrenia where you believe Dol Dorn talks to you is an example.
Jarlot: Ha! Next you'll tell me the ship's resident artificer doesn't have a Cylon lingerie model talking to him that only he can see.
Kanatash: No, that's just Ketler being a very lonely man.
Jarlot: Well, while I certainly can't forgive Cool Cthulhu for being a dirty, dirty, Lovecraftian horror. I might be willing to make peace with you for being just plain evil.
Kanatash: Please, I'm hardly plain. Just please stop encouraging this ridiculous attempts on my life.
Jarlot: Like?
Bruce Ki: Okay, crouch forward, move one space, and then punch should allow me to do the fireball...
Jarlot: ...you may have a point.
Bruce Ki: SHORYUKEN!
(Eight of the ship's dwarves are struck by the fireball and fall to their grisly demises)
Jarlot: You know, I should have enough money from the life insurance policies I take on every crewman to finally raise that world-conquering army soon.
Kanatash: Suffice to say Captain, my offer is simple. Don't encourage the crew to do anything more dastardly to me and I'll not do something horribly damaging psychologically.
Jarlot: Like what? Make me a crossdresser like you did Dooj?
(Dooj walks out in a pink and frilly dress wearing watermelons on his feet)
Kanatash: I don't remember telling him to do that... Captain, have you been spiking the crew's food with dreamlily to keep us docile again?
Jarlot: At that cost? Hell no! I use Jarlot Brand Imitation DreamlilyTM!
Kanatash: I see and no, my revenge would be far worse.
Jarlot: Like what?
Kanatash: I'll conjure up an image of your late father.
Jarlot: Uhh... I don't have a father.
King Kaius: YOU COMPLETE DISAPPOINTMENT! YOU CALL YOURSELF AN EVIL OVERLORD!? I'm a vampire King with an undead army!
Jarlot: Oh no!
Kanatash: I wasn't aware that you were King Kaius's....son... or that vampires could have children.
Jarlot: Shut up! I've made huge progress in becoming an evil overlord!
Kaius: Like what? Your mother may defend you, but I won't!
Erandis D'Vol: *cries*
Jarlot: I may be the product of a horrible magical experiment, but that's no reason to tell me how to run my life! *cries and runs to the doors*
King Kaius: Damn it, now *I'LL* show you how to run a world-conquering army of evil!
Kanatash: Hmmm....I have a bad feeling about this.
Ketler: Hey, Kanatash, do me a favor and don't draw on anyone's memories for the next couple of days. I was experimenting with an Elan we captured and basically if you do then the Quori spirit will escape and take the form of the worst fear you draw out... especially don't do Michael or we'll have bunnies all running around.
Michael: I am not afraid of bunnies! What happened with King Arthur (son of King Steve, the now also late King of Breland) was completely a one time thing!
Ketler: Sure....
Michael: Look at the bones!
Ajihazi, Smig, Klaz, and V are sitting on a beach. Everyone is in their bathing suits except V, who's in a bathing suit with his cape and requisite mask. They're playing poker.
V: Do you ever wonder what the crew on the Forgotte-
Smig: Don't ever say that name again. Dear Ollian! We barely survived that madness!
Klaz: Mmm. I'll raise you two seashells.
Ajihazi: *looks up and sees two gnomish children crying because their cat is up in the tree nearby*: I'll fold. I have to save that kitten.
V: But... I mean don't you ever get curious? I'll see your bet and raise you a seashell as well.
Klaz: Not really. I've got my sheilas, beer, and you guys. Don't need much else.
V: Yeah but... I mean, we wouldn't have to be playing for seashells if we were back there.
Smig: Gold is supposed to be in the ground. Seashells are natural. I think you're just frustrated because you can't overthrow Zilargo.
Klaz: And besides, we never got any of the swag anyway. Alright, everyone done betting?
Off in the distance, Ajihazi is talking with the kids. He quickly climbs up the tree and grabs the kitten.
V: Yep.
Smig: Show 'em.
Ajihazi has gotten down and is in the process of handing the kids their kitten back. Suddenly his face goes slack. Then his eyes glow red. The kids shrink back. He grins evilly as he tears the kitten apart with his bare hands. The kids run away screaming.
Klaz: Dammit!
V: I thought I completely had all of you!
Smig: Ha! Pair of twos, ace high wins!
Klaz: Wait a second...
V: Hunh?
Ajihazi: Heeheeheeheehee...
Klaz: What's so funny?
Ajihazi: The templar totally thought he had saved the kitten, but I came through and ripped it to pieces! Heeheehee...
V: Oooh-kay... Um.
Ajihazi: They totally didn't see it coming either. Suckers. Stupid little halfbreed thinks he can rule me? Hah! That'll show hi- gluh...
Smig: I guess there's something modern medicine is good for. Nothing.
Klaz: Anyway, how come there are 6 twos?
V: Oh... I knew there was something fishy about that...
Smig: I didn't do it.
Klaz: I can't use magic.
V: Neither can I. Especially when I've had this much dreamlily. *Waves hand towords five crates about 10 feet off*
Ajihazi: Gah! Why am I covered in this icky red stuff?
Smig: You ripped a kitten apart with your bare hands.
Ajihazi looks at Smig and begins to cry.
Smig: Oh Khyber... alright... alright. Ajihazi! Bath time!
Ajihazi looks up, smiles and runs off into the ocean.
V: Now that's over with, who dealt this mess?
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