Forgotten Freedom:58
Last Plot -- Plot Line Home -- Next Plot
Satnak - Nice speech.
Word/Erk - How did you get in here?
Illis - Tracers, remember.
W/erk - Gah! stop that.
Satnak - Next time you want in on my fights, say something in advance. You're lucky Illis was able to hold himself back. They don't call them berserkers for nothing. I was tempted to seal the lot of you in here to boot.
Back on the FF.
Illis - Can I go home now?
Satnak - Say hi to Lilly and Levy for me.
(portal open)
Illis - Out *****.
(leaps through portal)
Satnak - Bye bye Willy.
(portal closes)
Terra - Is the nutcase gone yet?
Satnak - No I'm still here.
Lisa - You know she means Illis.
Terra - My fault for not being specific, she could have said which one, or you're still here, or nope we still have a commodore infestation, the list goes on.
Lisa - Oh yeah, this ship, "fleet"?
Squishy - Somebody stop this crazy changeling!! On top of everything else he has fishbreath.
Word Being: I did not have time for subtlety, Satnak.
Satnak: Giaiyah! How did you sneak up on me?
Word Being: I didn't do any sneaking. You just weren't paying attention. A word of caution: never go to that place again. It is a myriad of possibilities and pathways, quite easy to get lost in. The worlds you'd find would turn you into their slave and your entire existence would be erased. Oh, I'm not worried about you. I would just hate for people who weren't involved in any of our little conflicts to get trapped in there. The damage you would do would tear the entire fabric of that multiverse apart, and as cruel as you seem to be sometimes I doubt you want to kill another entire existence.
Satnak: Are you telling me what to do?
Word Being: Oh, no, I'm not even remotely that stupid. If I was I would have just dismissed you as insignificant. I'm saying that secrets around here have inventive ways of getting out, sometimes on their own volition. Well, I'd better be getting back to the bar. It's Dwarven Drinking Song contest night.
Satnak and Hoybee square off.
Satnak's been chugging down Liquid keelhaulings for the last hour. Hoybee's past his gills in fermented Yumyuk.
Satnak - "And that;s How they showed their respect for Patty Murphey, that's they showed their honor and their pride,"...
Hoybee - "In great -hic- stone realm -hic- of Underhelm -hic- Reigned the -hic- King Ralkin son -hic- of Murinfelm -hic-"... ( at each hic a sonic orb of ramdom magnitude is launched )
Pholly - I didn't think it was possible.
Michael - what, for Satnak to get drunk?
Pholly - no, for Hoybee to aim, each orb has hit the dead center of a table
Long Wang Hung, Lucky, and Bolt-Tooth Tony are in the bar, rummaging through the Bag of Stuff when they come across another wand. This one is pink and about 2/5ths the size of a regular wand.
B.T. Tony: A bit small, isn’t it?
Long Wang: Perhaps a quick test will clear things up.
Lucky: (points across the room) How about that rat?
B.T. Tony fires the wand at it. The rat turns into a disturbingly cute anime version of itself.
B.T. Tony: Yikes…
Long Wang: Maybe a kind of custom reduce/polymorph spell wand?
Lucky: Seems that way. Something about it just doesn’t look right.
B.T. Tony: :schemes: I’m gonna go see what it does to humanoids.
Lucky: (sweating) I-I don’t think that’s such a good idea…
B.T. Tony: Oh, come on. What harm could it be to have a little fun?
A little while later, somewhere in the halls of the Forgotten Freedom. B.T. Tony sprints down the hall in terror. The cause for such soon becomes apparent.
Terra: WHERE IS HE?!!! I’M GONNA KILL HIM!!!
Terra is currently a chibi anime version of herself. An angry *pom* sits on her forehead, and her eyes are literally flaming. She grasps her staff, which currently looks eerily similar to Cardcaptor Sakura’s wand.
Lisa: Calm down, Terra. It’s not that bad…
Lisa soon follows, also chibi. She holds her warhammer at the ready, which has now become a comedy hammer.
Terra: Look at me! I’m CUTE!! I don’t DO cute! Did you see when I blasted at him back there? I twirled around while surrounded by stars and flowers!
Lisa: I thought it was adorable. Creepy, yes, but still adorable.
Terra: And what the hell is up with this?! (points to the pom)
Lisa: (sweat drop) It’s still not worth getting this upset about it…
Terra: But look what happened to Not-Walter!
Not-Walter pops his head out of her cloak. He has gigantic eyes and looks disturbingly like a Pokemon.
Lisa: Okay, I have to agree with you there. That’s just not right.
Terra: Let’s just hope Caralot doesn’t-
Caralot: (beside herself with excitement) EEEEEEEEEEEKK!!!!!! (runs at them with her arms outstretched)
Lisa: RUN AWAY!!!
Kithle - WTF?! WHICH ONE OF YOU SICK DEMENTED FREAKS CHIBI'D DEATH PAPER!!!
Terra - How can you tell he doesn't have eyes?
Lisa - I think it might have something to do with all the articles being either new instructions for your staff, or about sales on anime stuff.
Roosevelt is wearing a tin helmet and clenching a cigar in his teeth. He marches up and down before a line of Volrath's aberrations.
Roosevelt (adding a deep gravel to his voice): Things, today we face the greatest horror our kind can know: a wand that causes cuteness. We have a duty to the horrible creatures of Eberron to stop this madness before it spreads. Now some of you may get hit, but your sacrifice will not be forgotten. Whenever an aboleth causes someone to suffocate because they got hit with mucus, whenever a beholder takes out multiple opponents while their magical gear doesn't function, whenever a mind flayer comments that a particular brain tastes divine, they will think of us!
Aberrations: Yarrrgh!
Roosevelt: And don't do it just for yourselves! Do it for Kithle, who's paying us a hell of a lot of money so he doesn't get hit!
Aberrations: YAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Squirrel Cavalry Commander - Squeak squeakum squeak squeak
Squirrel Cavalry - Squeaker Squeaken
Riding ocelots - Meow
The Cavalry wears darkwood scale armor and the Ocelots bear leather barding. Each squirrel also carries a lance, a sword, and a pack of javelins.
They mount up the hunt is on, the ocelots have been given bolt-tooth's scent, from a shirt found in his room. Tongs were necessary.
C. commander - Squeak chirrup
The formation disappears into the shadows and rafters, all the while maintaining communication via tail talk. (ocelot cavalry is so cool)
Bolt-Tooth Tony - Hehe lost them stupid aboleths.
from the rafters: Chirrup
Bolt Tooth Tony - Great, they got dem nut brains spying on me.
From behind one of the Squirrerl cavalry is charging Bolt-Tooth.
Bolt-Tooth Tony - Nice try (spins and shoots, a direct hit)
No effect
Squirrel cavalry trooper - Squeaken :confused:
Bolt-Tooth Tony - uh oh, guess it don' werk on things that's already cute.
SCT - :devil: SQUEAKER
The SCT charges once more bouncing from wall to wall at head height.
Bolt-Tooth Tony - Crud :eek:
Lisa: (still chibi) Really, I wholeheartedly support your attempts to return to normal, but I think you're going overboard with this.
Terra: (also chibi) One word: Not-Walter.
Lisa: Right. Go ahead.
Terra is busy arming the (fireproof) squirrel catapults with Fire Seed boosted ammo.
Terra: Stupid wand. Even Dispel Magic doesn't remove it. I hope, for his sake, there's a way to change back. Anything that makes my shadow abilities cute should be considered a war crime.
Lisa: I can only pray that he stays away from Satnak...
Terra: Ooooooooooo, sh*t. Making 'The Glare' cute. I don't even want to think about what would happen then.
Nalfein: What's the situation?
Roosevelt: Get out of here! Are you insane?!
Nalfein: Yes.
Roosevelt: The squirrels are closing in, but the aberrations have taken heavy losses.
Around them, several squirrel clerics attend to aberrations that have become Pokemon lookalikes. None seem harmed, but they all seem to be suffering from a kind of mental trauma stemming from the horrific-to-cute transformation.
Roosevelt: We'll have to leave it to the squirrels. They're the only things able to resist it.
Nalfein: (ignoring him) I'll take care of this. Cuddles!!
Cuddles: (appearing next to him) Yeah?
Nalfein: We're going in.
Roosevelt: (as they leave) Stop, you fool!! Idiot. He's just going to fuel the fire.
Later, Nalfein and Cuddles drop in before B.T. Tony as he runs from the squirrel and ocelot forces.
Nalfein: Stop right there! You're not getting any-
B.T. Tony: OUTTA MY WAY, YE DAFT WANKER! *KAZAP*
Nalfein and Cuddles are hit head on with the wand. Cuddles looks much like a Siberian Husky puppy, and Nalfein is chibified.
Nalfein: Son of a-! You're not getting away with that! [SIZE=4]FIREBALL!!![/SIZE]
Nalfein fires, but it comes out as a puff of glitter. Cuddles uses his ice breath weapon, but it comes out as gigantic snowflakes that float peacefully to the ground.
Nalfein: :weep: That is just WRONG!
Solid Serpent's War Journal Day 366
I've been on this ship for approximately a year now since coming to avenge my father. The constant state of fear and dread has honned my fighting skills, paranoia, and survival techniques to razor sharp edges as I try to unravel the mystery of this ship and its evil ways.
My current theory is that I'm a clone created by my father whom was the original Ishmael "Big Cheeze" whom was a pawn of an organization known as the Aurrum which controls every single nation in the world, the economy, the media, magic, and the frosted flakes industry. The Big Cheeze was the greatest soldier in the world and his dominant and recessive genes were used to create me and my unknowing brother in the Half-Orc Doog whom possesses the superior genes but thinks that he has the inferior recessive ones.
I was dispatched here by the Aurrum under the guise of the Brelish government, which I didn't know actually was sending me on my private crusade, to disable this ship in the 'Solid Serpent Simulation' or S3 plan that would attempt to make me a replica of the original Ishmael by facing me against Ishmael's third clone in the super soldier Colonel Jarlot or Solidus Serpent.
This was all a cover up for 'Selection for Social Security' that was part of the Aurrum's plot to use the Forgotten Freedom as a massive booster for their psionic control of the world that combines the Aurrum with the plots in Sarlona. With the help of Ketler's sister Evey that was killed by an immortal Vampire bisexual artificer on board, I managed to disable that plan after shooting a fat man on rollerskates only to have to kill the unknown other triplet of my father!
I thought it was all over then and I could just live in peace with my tomboy girlfriend and creepy anime loving artificer friend when I discovered that this whole plot was actually thirty years old and related to the "Cheeze" that was Ishmael's mother and former commanding officer that Jarlot eliminated in order to stop a Mourning style war that was part of an elaborate scheme to get a billion gold pieces hidden by the Aurrum in the Dwarven Banking Clans. The barely dressed mother of Terra and a younger Crossbow Ocelot was also involved.
Now I'm currently suffering accelerated aging (I have TWO gray hairs) despite being in my twenties and this is no doubt Terra's revenge for her deceased but now warforged grafted brother Bruce Ki that resulted in me being infected with a special 'FF-die' virus that was designed to wipe out the ship's crew.
But what role do the constant appearance of Warforged Juggernauts play in this and where's Scully when you need her?
Jarlot: *finishes reading latest entry* And Kanatash thinks he's the only person who can drive people crazy on this ship.
Ketler: Do you think our series of pranks on him has gone too far?
Jarlot: Hardly.
13: I AM THE CHILD OF KHYBER!
Jarlot: Yeah? So am I.
13: Eh?
Jarlot: Shoo.
Bolt-Tooth ducks into a dead end.
Bolt-Tooth Tony - Oh crap.
The cavalry doesn't follow.
SC trooper - :eek: SQUUEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAK
SC commander - SQUEAK SQUAK, Squeaken Squeakum Sqeeeakum!
The catapults are rolled in.
SC Commander - Chirrup
The first pult fires. miss.
Bolt-Tooth Tony - Haha -OW-
The squirrel ravagers reaveal themselves. Each wears spiked armor, and carries a pair of wicked blades or no weapons.
Ravager Pack master - CHIRRIP
Ravager pack descends upon Bolt-Tooth.
SC COmmander - Chirrup
The catapults let loose their flaming ammo Bolt-Tooth can't dodge due to the fire immune savages tearing at his knees.
Lisa - I didn't know it was possible to be adorable while ripping out someone's tibia.
Chibi Terra is currently being carried by Caralot, who is absolutely beside herself with joy. Unable to escape the deathgrip, she has instead managed to convince Caralot to take her to Allen's room while Lisa heads off to Ketler's.
Terra: So, any ideas?
Allen: I'd have to study it to be sure, but I think I could make an opposite.
Terra: Good. This is getting old really fast.
Caralot: But you're so CUTE! :cloud9:
Terra: :mad: Grrrrrr.....
Crow: Ooof! That move really took a lot out of me.
Silver: Well, we couldn't have Satnak knowing where we do the commentary. We have to have complete freedom to say things that might upset her.
Crow: Well exactly why does moving your node of non-existence involve so much heavy labor. Anyway, I thought we were going to have a scene in "The War with Myself".
Silver: You mean act alongside 13? Or Word Being? We don't have the dramatic chops for that.
Crow: Well I thought we were cast for the ending.
Silver: We got cut due to laziness. I think it worked out quite well.
Crow: Well I still haven't gotten to be much of a god yet. You have an alternate form. I just become a bunch of crows.
Silver: Beats being chibi.
Crow: You have to ask: who's more insane, the people on the FF or the people who write them.
Silver: I have two words for you: chibi Terra.
Crow: Chibi Terra with tentacles.
Silver: Combining the worst bits of cute anime with the worst bits of horrible hentai. That is an evil thought. :schemes: (hint hint) Okay, let's try another one: chibi Lisa.
Crow: Chibi Terra with tentacles and chibi Lisa.
Silver: :looloo: Just don't say chibi Jaela.
Crow: That's in the rules.
5691: Chibi Jaelas count as regular Jaelas for the purposes of all previous rules. (thank you Reman for noticing that loophole)
Crow: And I hope we haven't seen the last of Illis.
Silver: Why?
Crow: Because we never got to find out about Satnak atnd that kitten…
Volrath is running through the ship, chibified. He looks sucpiciously like young Trunks, with black hair.
Volrath: Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off me!
He bumps into Squinty, who looks like the beholder in the "My Little Pony RPG" April Fools joke.
Both: AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
They both come crashing through the wall into Allen's room. The crash creates anime style dust, but no actual debris.
Volrath: (looking at Terra) Oh you're so cute! :D
He hugs her, in a cute little death grip.
Terra: (barely able to talk) Let go of me or you lose those tentacles.
As to the fate of Skaravojen
In the depths of the FF The Skaravojen cowers in terror. A looming shadow can be seen stalking the shaking beast. The shadow strikes.
When the dust settles the Dragon Hound is covered in bright pink feathers stuck on with blue sovereign paint.
Chalky - You don't need a wand to chibify someone.
Bolt-Toothed Tony crawls away, trailing innards. Aerith walks by, waves at him, continues onward.
A now fully-healed BTT stands up and looks at the wand, then at Aerith's back, then at the wand again.
"You really don't want to do that," she says.
He shrugs, then points the wand and zaps her.
Everything goes white.
When he regains awareness, BTT finds himself standing in a field of flowers, back-to-back with someone. Aside from the flowers, everything glows bright white.
"That was a very stupid thing to do, Tony," Aerith calmly announces.
"WTF! When did my hair become long, blond, and spiky?!" complains BTT.
"Genre trope. Don't worry about it. You realize you just linked me directly into the life of this world?"
"Uh, what?"
"As in, I am Aerith, your Goddess, thou shalt have no other Gods before Me."
"I did that?"
"The wand did, yes. And because of my non-interference stance, I can't do anything about it directly. I'm going to turn everything over to Bianca until this mess is taken care of."
Aerith sighs. "Listen. I'm not the rightful deity of this world. Get this problem fixed, or my first divine act will be to smite you. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go explain to all the real gods of Eberron why they can't get in touch with their priests."
And BTT finds himself back on the Forgotten Freedom, next to Bianca, who now looks like Chibi Aeris from the FF7 FMVs.
Lisa: Jarlot!
Jarlot: Yo!
- kicks him in the nads*
Jarlot: OOOOOMPH!
Lisa: Get Aerith to take some spell requests for me.
Jarlot: OOoooo.
Lisa: I get prissy when I don't have my paladin aura.
Ninja Jaela: *swooshes in* Hey. I'm fine. However, Thrane may self destruct in a bit. The free health care has been a major selling point of the church there.
Michael walks down the hallway wondering what to do with his time since the most recent batch of on ship chaos began... only to see Chibi Lisa and Chibi Terra talking about something. He stops, blinks, and turns around and begins walking very fast.
Caralot has called a meeting of all the divine spellcasters.
Caralot: I would just like to propose that if you need a god for spells that I can get you a link with the Thyrs from my Eberron. It is unaffected by this cutoff. However there are some things you should know about. No, these are not holy commandments, Thyrs doesn't do much ordering around (or talking, for that matter), they are just warnings about what it's like to be linked to the Dragon of Water.
One: You will want to grow your hair long and get a tan. :cool:
Two: You may find yourself saying "Gnarly" and "Righteous" when you like something.
Third: Your vocabulary may diminish until you mostly use "like" and various exclamatory sounds to describe an event.
Fourth: Anytime you jump into waves you will hear a voice say "Wipeout!" followed by a piece of guitar music.
Fifth and most Important: You will have a compulsion to call everyone "Dude".
Now, are there any questions?
Terra: (still in Caralot's deathgrip) I have a question!
Caralot: Yes, sweetie?
Terra: Stop calling me that. Will my spells still be cute if I ask Thyrs for them? I'm not about to start worshipping Aerith.
Caralot: You know, I'm not sure. Since Thyrs is not of this Eberron, it may not. But, since you would be using them in the adorable state you're in, it probably will.
Terra: Damn.
Somewhere in the backrooms of Kelter's laboratory Kanatash is hooked up to a vast number of strange machines, still unconsious. An IV runs into his arm from a bottle labled "Ishmael Jr." The Chibified Terra and Volrath are also in the room, partly checking on Kanatash and partly to see if Kelter can cure them somehow. Terra is on a temporary probation from Caralot to get news on Kanatash's condition while she helps with the conversion of other crew members to Thyrs.
Chibi Terra: So has there been any improvement since 13 was taken care of?
Kelter: (examining notes) His condition has stabilized but he still hasn't awakened. My theory is that suddenly being cut off like that was a massive shock to his system. Right now he's in a sort of Coma. There's no way of telling when he'll come out of it, if ever.
Chibi Volrath: Any ideas for a cure?
Kelter: Well... This is only speculation but since the first shock put him in a coma, a second shock, one of pure madness, might jolt him out of it. The only problem is the magnitude of the insanity he would have to be exposed to for it to work, even a return to Xoriat won't be enough.
Handily at this moment one of the alternate Kanatashes floats through one of the wall, the one who was a gibbering loony. All three of them look at each other for a moment and smile.
---
Shortly later Kanatash awakes to see the three of them standing over him and the mangled corpse of his alternate floating nearby.
Kanatash: (groaning) Ok, three questions. One, why do I feel like I just spent a night with Caralot without the pleasant bits? Two, (looking at Volrath and Terra) what the **** happened to you? Three, what is up with the corpse next to me that looks oddly familiar.
Chibi Volrath: Well, when 13 showed up on the scene you were cut off from all madness in the universe and kinda went into a coma. Don't worry, he's been dealt with.
Chibi Terra: As to our appearances, some of the crew members have gotten their hands on a wand that changes people into cute, minature versions of themselve are causing mass chaos.
Kanatash: Sound like fun, and the corpse?
Chibi Volrath: Well... That was an alternate version of you. We used the madness from him to shock you out of your coma.
Kanatash: (raising eyebrow) And where precisely did this alternate version of me come from?
Volrath and Terra both look at each other nervously.
Chibi Volrath: Ugh... Heh, heh... You see thats the funny part, when things were looking rather grim with 13 we kinda went into your room and opened The Closet [SIZE=1](tm)[/SIZE]...
Kanatash: :headexplo WHAT! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE!? I KEPT THAT THING CLOSE ONLY SO I COULD PREVENT OTHERS FROM RELEASING WHAT I SEALED BEHIND IT! HOW MANY DID YOU LET OUT!
Chibi Terra: (shrinking away) Precisely four. The one good news however is they have been thinned out a bit since then. The one next to you is obviously dead already. The second, a pure, virtuous version from before you went to Xoriat of you has already left the ship. Off aparently to fight the inspired. The third was a brain dead brute of a warrior which we managed to confine in the dimension of the Crystals.
Kanatash: I'm not sure that's a fate I'd wish even on a alternate. However you said there was a fourth.
Chibi Volrath: Before I tell you I just want to say you're REALLY not going to like it.
Chibi Terra: The fourth was... a hippy...
Kanatash: (reality rippling with his rage) WHAT! WHERE IS HE?! I'M GOING TO KILL HIM MYSELF!
Chibi Volrath: (shrinking away) Last I saw he was with John.
Kanatash takes off a top speed.
---
Meanwhile on the deck Hippy Kanatash, :coolcthul , and John are in a drum circle.
Hippy Kanatash: Whao dude, I like need some more of this grass here.
:coolcthul : Sweet Jaela, man, you've already taken out my entire stash. Don't you think you've had enough?
John: And I've heard from Norbaz that he's having the pantry specifically warded against you because he says it can't take another munchy raid.
Hippy Kanatash: Whoa, like, come on, dude. That's not necessary. I left him some stuff and I even gave him a bit of the stash. I, like, did go back and get it but that's not what's important, dude. I'm, like, at a state of inner peace and like one with the world, dudes.
:coolcthul : You know I think I kind of liked the old Kanatash better. What do you think happened to him when 13 showed up?
Suddenly the real Kanatash bursts onto the deck. He tries to tackle Hippy Kanatash, but he bends over to pick up a joint he dropped and Kanatash shoots past him.
John: I suppose that answers your question. We have another alternate on our hands.
Kanatash screams a war cry and charges with a massive ax that he just pulled out of nowhere but this time Hippy Kanatash sneezes and falls out of the way as Kanatash trips and stumbles off the side of the deck.
Kanatash: (eyes ablaze) That's it. No more mister nice guy.
Kanatash unleashes a blast of fire and light so intense that is visible from every single one of the five nations and the moons of Eberron as well. The heat from the blast causes all flammable materials within 100ft to char and blacken. The flare continues for several minutes before it finally abates, leaving Kanatash panting.
Hippy Kanatash: (unscathed) Whoa, that was pretty psychedelic. Like thanks for lighting my bong too, dude.
Kanatash: WHY WON'T YOU DIE!
"Oh," the voice of AERITH GODDESS OF ALL fills the room, "that's because he managed to synchronize with me. A side effect of being so very stoned. He's managed to connect to the bond that I used to keep Bianca safe. Until someone rids me of this unwelcome deification, I'm afraid he's just about invincible."
Terra: You've got to be kidding me! You mean that I'm essentially creating an endless supply of defacto worshippers for you?!
Voice of Aerith: Though most aren't doing it on purpose... yes, you could say that.
Terra: This is, by far, the most evil side-effect of that blasted stick. Even more so than what happened to Sa'vor...
Sa'vor is chibi. The ruby on his armor is heart shaped, and runes on his body are now Hello Kitty logos.
Sa'vor: I have seen horrors beyond imagining, but this is just too much!
AERITH: Just be grateful Tony hasn't used the wand on Tifa/Bob.
A chibi Kanatash enters the mess hall where Caralot is answering some more questions on Thyrs. When she sees him she squeals in such a way that several crew members keel over and die. She snatches him up despite his incorporeality and before he can react.
Caralot: OhmygodyouaresuchthecutestthingohI'mnevergoingtoletgoofyou!
Chibi Kanatash: *anime sweat drop*
Having finally been let go, Terra starts off to resume the search for B.T. Tony.
Terra: Finally, I can breathe again!
She disappears into the shadows, then reappears behind B.T., little shadow hearts announcing her arrival.
Terra: (angry pom) That's just wrong. (shakes her head) First things first...
She sends out her vines to ensnare him. They wrap around his leg, but due to the fact that they are now cute and round, she can't get a grip.
B.T. Tony: (slipping away) Ha-ha!
Terra: Son of a...! SQUEAKER SQUEAKEN!!!
B.T. Tony: Oh :censored: !
He takes off again, the squirrel forces in hot pursuit.
Jarlot: Yo!
Ketler: What the hell are you wearing?
Jarlot: My pontiff of the Church of Aerith attire.
Ketler: Ammo belts and military fatigues?
Jarlot: We're a very denominational religion. I figure if I'm going to make a religion then it might as well be based on revenge, sex, booze, and firearms.
Ketler: We already have Dol Dornism.
Jarlot: Eh not since they started letting in THOSE people.
Ketler: What do you mean... THOSE people?
Jarlot: You know who I mean.
Ketler: No I really don't.
Jarlot: Martians.
Ketler: ...what?
Jarlot: Those filthy green-skinned, flying saucer-riding, Ares-worshipping Red Planet Dwellers! They almost disgust me as much as tentacled horrors!
Ketler: You're just mad because tentacled horrors get more than you.
Jarlot: Oh that reminds me, I have to go free Tifa from Bob.
Ketler: Huh?
Jarlot: You know the usual "I've secretly cared for you all along. Don't give into hate" stuff. I should have done it immediately but I was mooning over Aerith.
Jaela: Ummm... is it true you're my dad?
- looking identical to Ruri from Nadesico*
Jarlot: Yes it is. Which means that YES, you're the daughter of Darkness' Champion AND Lights.
Jaela: Which means?
Jarlot: Absolutely nothing, surprisingly. Just a fun fact.
Ketler: So... despite your petite size and seeming lack of growth, you're 18 now. Want to...
Jaela: Flame priests are celibate.
Ketler: :banghead: :hoppingma :censored: :rant: :raincloud
- walks away*
Jarlot: No they aren't.
Jaela: I like Ketler but he really is an idiot and is easy to screw with.
BTT - Oh Crap
Sqrl Pack Master - SQUEAK :tongue: (aims wand)
Chalky Comes screaming out of the corridors, pursued by squirrel hordes, the leader of which is brandishing a now familiar wand.
Chalky - Keep them away from me!!!
Squishy - Best show all year. (munches popcorn and follows)
The squirrel leader is shooting blast after blast at B.B.T., but each one is missing. So far Ketler has become a little kid with glasses as big as he is. Chalky is an anime style puppy that Squishy is chasing with a carving knife and fork. Jaela was hit but stayed exactly the same. Tabitha has become Talim from Soul Calibur. :coolcthul is now drawn in Hello Kitty style with bows in his tentacles. Silence has beeen chibified and all of her piercings turned into clip-ons featuring hearts and bright colors. Finally no one's mouths even seem to form words anymore. They just move up and down and voices come from the background.
Bolt Tooth dives in to Beryl’s manifest zone to escape, when looks up and see Beryl looking over her army of transformed redshirts who are standing across from a band of redshirt dressed up look like Devas and Archons but strangely P/Y/R is nowhere to be seen.
Bolt points the wand at Beryl and fires… and then in a puff of pinks smoke Chibi Black foxed furred girl sit in her place, she does make any movement.
Then all of the sudden P/Y/R appears from behind Bolt and casts her dominate spell, and then says “I’ll take the wand. I had enough of being sickening cute when I was the pixies. Oh you should go over to the bar and wait for the others to find you, make sure to tell them that mommy now has the wand.”
After Bolt leaves P/Y/R turn to her mother and says, “Why did you let the spell hit you?”
Beryl: Because my dear, I am a bit like a blue mage. I can absorb spell and then cast them again later *she waves her hand and all the ‘demons’ become chibifed. *
P/Y/R: So what do you want to do with the wand…
Beryl Changes back to her normal self by reversing the spell that’s now in her body and says: Well I figure we could use it in trade…
P/Y/R: ohhh can I trade it for Volrath?
Beryl: Sure I don’t see why not.
Allen is hard at work on making a cure for the cuteness! Using samples from Chibi Terra and Chibi Volrath, he is working out a way to uncute them.... There are several failed experiments, with the samples becoming cuter, turning into squirrels, and in one case, spontaneously combusting into tapdancing penguins. Fortunately, Allen finally made a cure... Somewhat. "I have it! This wand is capable of uncuteifying things. The way it works is like this. If everyone starts off at a 0 level of cute, then the Cute ray increases that level, while this wand lowers that level. So use it responsibly!" Allen says, handing it to Terra and wandering back off to his room to repair the damage wall.
Jaela waits until Jarlot has left. Then 13 pushes back the covers on her bed.
13: [COLOR=Cyan]Is he gone?[/COLOR] *Its voice sounds like music barely within any hearing.*
Jaela: Yes.
Her clothes disappear and she jumps back into bed.
Jarlot: So what sorts of losses did we take with 13.
Kithle: None. Unlike most of our foes, 13 had no real interest in killing our crew. No one got injured. The went right back together. We're taking heavier losses from this Chibi Wand.
Caralot: I seriously hope we don't get into a battle any time soon. Mickey won't convert to Thyrs worship, and he ran out of potions during the attack by the C'tan.
[SIZE=4]"AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" [/SIZE]
Jarlot: WTF was that?
Caralot: Aerith's.
Jarlot: Aerith's what?
Caralot: First contraction.
Kithle: You mean that the only current god of Eberron is about to have a child?
Caralot: Yeah. I think it's Saberiel's, thought it could be mine.
Kithle: You don't know?
Caralot: Let's see, there was Saberiel, myself, :coolcthul , John, and the black—
Jarlot: John, you mean the— :ghosted:
Caralot: Oh, that didn't come out right. I was only stating the membership of our support group.
Kanatash floats into the chamber at this time.
Kanatash: (looking down at Jarlot's remains) Nice work on that one honey.
Caralot: KANI-POO! It's so nice to see you back on your feet.
Kanatash: It's nice to BE back on them despite the issue with these ****ing alternates. I have something for you. Here, dear.
He pulls out a number of small crystal globes with metal covers.
Kanatash: Since there is no telling how long that Chibi wand is going to be around, I had Kelter make a few storage globes for you. They even come with an optional stasis/sustenance effect for long term storage.
Carlot: Thank you, dear. I think I know just where to use them (smiles evilly while snatching the jars)
Kanatash: A moment, there is one condition with these jars. Please don't try and collect any of the more prominent crew members. It's just not worth the reprecussions and the plot devices.
Carlot: Awww! I really wanted to collect Terra though.
Kanatash: I know, but at least there are plenty of underused crew members to snatch as well as a few others no one will miss. For example, right now I don't think anyone will object if you decide to collect Bolt-Tooth Tony. (evil smile)
Carlot: I suppose you're right, (hugging Kanatash) it's nice to have you back on your feet, regardless.
Kanatash: (sweeping her off her feet and laughing huskily) Perhaps I won't be on my feet for very long.
Carlot: (returning his husky laugh) No, perhaps you won't.
Chibi-Balor: Um mistress, I am grateful to serve you… I mean most redshirts do not have that long of shelf life. As long as I am in this form I do not have much to fear… except for the other nber… But why Am I chibi and…
Beryl: Well mainly because my new pseudo-nemesis Caralot will think you cute and then you either have a huge advantage fighting her… or she’ll hug you to death and your deathburst will at least take something.
Chibi-Balor: Ah, ok. Second Um… Could I be one of those snake lady demons instead of a Balor…
Beryl: A Meilith? Why you would be less powerful…
Chibi-Balor: Well I don’t really like being male mistress…
Beryl: Oh is that all * waves her hand a Chibi-Balor is now female* Better?
Chibi-Balor: Yes mistress. Why is Carlot our nemesis?
Beryl: Because I’m bored, and I’m not going to match wits with Terra as long as P/Y/R wants to date/Dominate Volrath… no point in making them choose between us. But and even better reason is because she was trying to get people to worship her god instead of me!
Chibi-Balor: but you're not a Goddess…
Beryl: Demon lords can grant spell up to a point… sure I can only grant up to second rank spell right now… but it’s the principle of the thing!
Chibi-Balor: Instead of warring with someone who has both the Mad one and the Angel on their side, how about you make a few of us loyal redshirt Clerics and we can go spread you faith to the others… I was a priestess of the Fury before you took my soul so…
Beryl * with a cocked eyebrow * Okay, it's worth a shot… Plus I think it be kinda funny to se the look on Lisa's face when you go around casting converting the masses.
Satnak enters the room behind the bar. Caralot has led her there at the request of Erk. Satnak isn’t sure what’s going on, but the fact that Caralot is carrying her black water means it isn’t likely to be good.
Old Hag’s Voice: Hehehe, welcome, my pretty.
Satnak stops at the sight of the Word Being standing hunched over a bubbling cauldron and wearing a pointed black hat. The hat has a sign on it saying “There is a fine line between genius and insanity. Why is this statement redundant?”
Satnak: I do not like the look of that hat.
Word Being: Ah, well you’re not here for comments on the getup. It’s all necessary by the way. You’re here to avoid any unpleasantness later on. Eliminate the middle thing, if you will. You see, we are going to create a new being here, using the remains of 13 and Caralot’s piece of the black water.
Satnak: WTF? That thing brushed-off Kithle, almost caused the FF to fall apart, and coma'ed Kanatash just by standing near him.
Word Being: And you and Illis would have likely dealt with him. Face it, Satnak, this ship is never in any real danger. We’ve dodged beings from Xoriat, Dal Quor, the shadow plane, stuff from who knows where, and in between we have to deal with things like the Wand of Cuteness.
Caralot: :love:
Word Being: If we create another 13 you’ll just kill it. I’m not stupid. I could be infinitely more powerful if I took that route. So don’t treat me like I haven’t considered the consequences. That’s another reason you’re here: so that you know ahead of time and can plan accordingly.
Satank: Are you going to do it now? Because I want to be here when you screw up.
Word Being: Oh, I have to put the preparations on hold. Tonight’s karaoke night, and Jarlot is determined to sing this time.
Jaela: Ho Hum... What to do next?
Klaz: Crikey, look what we 'ave 'ere mates! It's a pontiff!
Vrin: Dude, it's Jaela! What are you doing on the ship? *Drops the black box wth a lense on it, y'know, the one he always carries around*
Jaela: Oh Shavrath... Wait, are you the one who likes dinosaurs?
Klaz: Actually, I'm a reptophiliac, meaning I love dinos very, very much. But we have more important things to talk aboot 'ere.
Jaela: Flame preserve me... what do you want? I mean, you're not like Ketler who wants to put me in a "plug suit" or whatever, or the rest of the crew who blatantly want to get *blushes* into bed with me, so...
Vrin: I'll take you up on the offer Jae... *Klaz hits Vrin over the head with a small piece of paper, wrapped in a pink ribbon that reads "Retirement Plan*
Jaela: Err... what is that?
Klaz: Somefin' you sent Mr. Capitan during his evil genius turned musician phase. Crikey, it's pretty temptin' I mus' say. A picture.
Jaela: What are you talking abou... oh... THAT'S NOT FAIR!
Klaz: Just cuz I'm stoopid don't mean I'm dumb. This here picture of you could be pretty incriminating, so I'll just give you my demands.
- hands Jaela a list, scrawled accross a bar tab*
Jaela: Hmmm.... Klaz Dingbo, owes seventeen thousa...
Klaz: Crikey! Othah side there, gel! Othah side!
Jaela: Oh... *out loud* Klaz Dingbo's Demands
1. Reptophilia be legalized in Thrane. 2. Pay Klaz Dingbo one half of the Church of the Silver Flame's Treasury 3. Give Klaz Dingbo rulership of Thrane 4. **** Klaz Dingbo, Ketler, Tara, and Klaz's favorite dino, Shiela, and have Vrin Film it.
Klaz: You missed one.
Jaela: That one's not fit to read.
Klaz: Suit yerself.
Jaela: I think you are a perverted, heretical, son of a ***** and I am going to kill you.
Klaz: No you're not.
Jaela: Yes I am.
Klaz: Nuh-Uh.
Jaela: Yes, I am.
Klaz: Liar, liar pants on fiyah.
Vrin: But she's not wearing pants... it's a skirt...
Jaela: How very observant of you... I'm going to kill you too.
Klaz: I brought reifohcements.
Ketler: Come to papa.
Kanatash: Look, this sounded a bit more fun than how Klaz has run it so far, but the results are promising. Perhaps I can reap some usable insanity from your corpse.
Kithle: I just want to get your brain. Then I'll be able to channel the Silver Flame!
Jaela: Hmmmm... I think I'll be going now. Bye! *Teleport*
Klaz: Damn.
Kithle - WTF was that? Which one of you bozos spiked my lemonade? No takers? *oblivion thread*
Kithle manifests his mindblade and launches a quick volley of blows that strikes everyone in the room. The wounds glitter with non-existence.
Kithle - Okay you arsewipes. Every time for the next 24 hrs any damage or negative effect that hits one of you, gets the lot of you. That includes cutening. To heal you all have to receive it at the same time and only the lowest amount healed counts. You won't be able to remove it without a 48-hr ceremony, so don't bother. Try not to die if you do the rest go with youth. Note the thread will link you in the afterlife as well. If you die during its duration, it becomes permanent, unless all of you get raised, and that only works if you all get raised at the same time. I have a pontiff to apologive to. Bye. (teleport)
Klaz - He got the pic.
Vrin - that bastard
Kithle - I'm so sorry for my lack of decorum. I think one of those nutjobs spiked my lemonade. I hope this makes up for it.
Kithle sets scroll in Jeala's hand
Jeala - Huh? where'd you come from?
Jaela appears back in her room, holding the scroll from Kithle. 13 is reading something in bed. It is the list of rules, with the ones reguarding Jaela highlighted. For some strange reason he's dressed in a Thrannish school-girl outfit.
Jaela: Why is this crew so obsessed with me?
13: [COLOR=Cyan]You're a religious leader, you're underage, and you're hot. I'd mention that you're female, but I take that as a given. Most of these guys don't get any.[/COLOR]
Jaela: Well no wonder, being perverts who lust after young women.
13 gestures at the outfit he's wearing.
13: [COLOR=Cyan]Who told me to put this on?[/COLOR]
Jaela: :blush:
13 gets up. [COLOR=Cyan]"Makes me wonder about those rumors. In any event, I have a plan."[/COLOR]
Just then Klaz, Kanatash, Ketler, and Vrin burst into the room.
Kanatash: You cannot escape! I will know the secret to your picture!
13: :whatsthis
Kantash: Ah! No, Caralot and I had plans this evening to—
Jaela: Please do not continue that thought.
Klaz: (turning to Vrin and motioning him to put up the box) Crikey! This here folks is one of the legendary progenitor dragons—
13: [COLOR=Cyan]Why don't we skip to the step where you make me annoyed and go right to the part where I exact my horrible vengance? Because we're already there. Jaela, may I see the piece of paper?[/COLOR]
Jaela hands him Klaz's demands.
13: [COLOR=Cyan]"Klaz Dingbo owes seventeen thousand in drink fees plus one thousand for cleanup of—"[/COLOR]
Klaz: Othah side! (sweat)
13 slowly reads the list. Meanwhile Klaz and Vrin maneuver into flanking positions.
13: [COLOR=Cyan]I seriously hope you two aren't going to do anything stupid. Not only am I now completely in control of myself, but I have the love of Jaela to support me.[/COLOR]
Ketler: The love of— :OMG! :crazy: Hehehaha! Hellew mister purple dinosaur. I love you too. La la la…
Kanatash mercifully scrambles his brain.
13 (back to reading the list): [COLOR=Cyan]You have got to be kidding me on these.[/COLOR]
Klaz: No way, mate. I've got all the blackmail I need right—
13: [COLOR=Cyan]What's the fun of #1 if it's legal. Half the fun is that you're not allowed to do it. #2 is ludicrous because all Thrane has to do is give you all its cursed magic items and you'll be dead within a week. And as for #3, you do realize that most worshippers of the Silver Flame are completely boring?[/COLOR]
Klaz: Ah…
Jaela: It's true. I should know.
Klaz: Well, I'll still hold out for numbah 4.
13 burns up the list.
13 (calmly): [COLOR=Cyan]No. Not going to happen. I'm the only one Jaela wants right now.[/COLOR]
Klaz: Well, I hate to do this to ya…
Kanatash: Oh, please no! (he shuts his eyes and puts up several mental shields over his mind)
Klaz unwraps the "retirement plan".
Klaz:…just try not ta get ya guts all over Jaela. On second thought, people'll pay good money for that. Ha!
Klaz brandishes the photo like its an apocalyptic spell.
13: :bored: I[COLOR=Cyan]s that all?[/COLOR] (he takes a closer look at the photo) [COLOR=Cyan]Wow! My little silver firecracker, I never knew you could do this.[/COLOR] :drool:
Jaela: :blush: Well…… I was saving it…………
Kantash: How can you not be affected by the mad power of that image?
13: [COLOR=Cyan]I saw the suffering of everyone throughout time. Plus Jaela and I have been doing some things.[/COLOR]
Kanztash "does a Lucky".
13 goes over to a large book. It seems to continueously smoke. 13 opens it and the ceiling above begins to warp.
Klaz: What eva you think you 'ave, bring it out.
13: [COLOR=Cyan]Ah, here we are.[/COLOR] (he takes one picture out and brings it over)
Even Ketler, driven mad, has enough sense to leave the room.
Vrin: Uh, Klaz, you know, what he's got might be more kinky—
Klaz: Pfft. (he points his thumb at his chest) My persuation makes me immune to anything you humanoids can come up with. Bondage, macho/sadism, dress-up, you name it. Rep-to-phillic.
13: [COLOR=Cyan]You know, Mr. Dingbo, it's very odd that you should say that. After all—[/COLOR](he hold up the picture)[COLOR=Cyan]—I am a dragon.[/COLOR]
Klaz: :88E:
13: [COLOR=Cyan]Now Mr. Vrin[/COLOR] (lowers the picture)[COLOR=Cyan], will you kindly excort our now completely sane dinosaur hunter away. Jaela and I would like a private moment.[/COLOR]
Vrin: (wisely closed his eyes early and is still keeping them closed) salutes and drags Klaz off. He tries not to think too much.
Jaela wait a few moments, then plucks the picture from 13's paw.
Jaela: Which one is th—oh, yeah. You know, I'm still not sure how we did this.
13: [COLOR=Cyan]You're saying that time you spent with the couatl didn't happen?[/COLOR]
Jaela: That's nothing compared to this…
(the following takes place in Sylvan)
Squirrel Commander: *salutes* Ma'am! We have the wand and the perpetrator in custody!
Chibi Terra: Well done, soldier. You all will be greatly rewarded for your valiant efforts.
SC: All in the line of duty, ma'am.
(back to common)
Chibi Lisa: You sure this will work?
Chibi Terra: Yeah. I tested it out on Ketler first. I just wanted to have both in my hands before I changed anyone else back. You know, in case of a mishap.
Chibi Andrea: You better not screw this up. I want my goddess-like looks and impressive bust back ASAP.
Chibi Terra: So do I. :devil:
Chibi Andrea: :mad: :blush:
Consequences: All crew hit by the wand are now cured (except for B.T.Tony, he can rot for a while). Aerith is now no longer the Goddess of Everything and is back with Bianca. Terra now has both wands for safekeeping. I'm not telling you where she keeps them, just don't expect this to be the last you see of this little joke. :plotting:
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