Forgotten Freedom:Dirty Tricks
Here's our Things that Captain Jarlot WANTS the Crew to do from Dirty Tricks to Advice on Robbery:
1. Rob Aundairian ships because of their abominable treatment of Cyrean refugees after the Last War.
2. Rob Cyrean ships because of their cruel and inhuman treatment of individuals before the war.
3. Rob Brelish ships because of their support of a corrupt democratic regime.
4. Rob Karrnathian ships because of their support of a corrupt monarchial regime.
5. Rob Thranish ships because of their refusal to recognize Warforged sentience.
6. Rob the Lord of Blades' ships because of his service to the rapacious efforts of warforged.
7. Rob Riedrans ships because of the protest of their treatment of Adar.
8. Rob Adar ships because of their endless slander against Riedrans.
9. Rob Gnomes because... well... they suck.
Pholly: HEY!
Oh, like it's not common knowledge.
10. Rob Talenta Plains halflings because they're all cruel and evil savages.
11. Rob House Boranal halflings for betraying their heritage.
12. Rob the Dragon Mark Houses out of protest to the guild system.
13. Rob the Emerald Claw because they're a bunch of creepy necromancers.
Andrea: HEY!
Hot redheaded necromancers are exempted.
14. Rob the Aurrum because no one likes rich old white guys.
15. Rob King Kaius in particular because he's the ultimate old rich white guy.
16, Rob Vol because she's a Lich and ergo we kill Liches to take their stuff.
17. Rob the Children of Winter because no one likes cheezy Apocalypse Rip offs from the X-Men.
18. Rob Queen Aurala because just because you look like Monica Bellucia doesn't mean you get to act uppity.
19. Rob Merrix D'Cannith in particular because just because you can build a nuclear reactor out of some coconuts doesn't mean you have the right to be uppity.
20. Rob Keith Baker because no one has more money than God.
21. Rob Elminster to teach him to slum in our campaign setting.
22. Rob the Lords of Dust because they have a fortune from their Kellog's Empire.
23. Rob the dead because they certainly don't need it.
24. Rob the undead because you can't take it with you.
25. Rob dungeons because one of my GREATEST CON GAMES was convincing people basements of crumbling ruins was a safe place to hide your money.
26. Always be sure to check the pockets of dead men, their packs, and otherwise rifle for every last coin.
27. Why? Because bribes to refuel this ship are pretty damn high.
28. Always take note of my chart on the wall that lists your value as crew. Whenever the bounty is higher than your projected value, we turn you over for it.
29. Yes, my value is the Infinity Symbol...
30. And yes, the girls are marked higher than the boys.
31. Do put on black suits, mirrorshades, and fake authoritarian tones whenever visiting a place we've been before. Claim aliens did the damage from before.
32. Do use gleefully Charm Person and Charm Monster spells.
32. Do return to the "We can leave SOME witnesses" plan. The zero tolerance policy didn't work out in the Mournland.
33. Always blame the Emerald Claw or Lords of Dust for what happened when possible.
34. Do gleefully hire adventurers to attack our foes then steal the idol when they return like Belloq from Raiders.
35. Better yet, kill the survivors and collect the EXP. They should be nicely seasoned.
36. Remember, when we recruit new player characters, it's best to help them come up levels quickly. Good ways of doing that are having them pilot the airship down on orc villages, spreading plague, poisoning wells, and causing avalanches.
37. Do report Treason to your Captain. In fact, gleefully execute the traitors.
38. ...Then kill yourself. No one likes a snitch.
39. If we happen to stake a vampire. The first act is NOT to stuff his mouth with garlic, but have him bite a dozen Chaotic Evil prisoners and then promptly STAKE THEM so we can up our EXP quotient. We call this "farming".
40. If you locate a dragon's lair, the first thing is not to attack him and attempt to seize his treasure. The first thing is to sell the location on maps to adventurers and wait outside the lair to mug him. If possible, charge the dragon for frequent feeding.
41. All corpses of slain enemies are to be sorted by Andrea into "collectable for sale as spell components" and "not".
42. Remember, its just good business to return the bodies of the dead to relatives for a reward... even if you killed them.
43. Remember that armor, arms, and gold teeth can be resold!
44. Since Darguun property is in dispute, it's perfectly legitimate to sell hunting rights in various nations to help clear out the monster problem...
45. And it's only your Civic Duty to inform the Daughters of Sora Kell about this for money!
46. Remember, protecting villagers from evil bandits for only rice is our sworn and civic duty!
47. After all, the bandits have arms and horses plus all the loot they've taken!
48. When in doubt, claim diplomatic immunity as a member of the King's Citadel. Even Boranal doesn't know them all.
49. To get a sealed letter of the King, just write as sloppily as possible and sign an X. Breland's King is not too bright.
50. Don't rob the tombs of the Deathless in Aereneal... instead, tell them of a horrific threat from Vol and obligingly offer to transport their treasures to someplace safer.
51. When trying to sneak up on someone, have your partner point "look! Behind you!" They'll never look and it's easier than making a Hide check.
52. All people with great cleave are required to carry a bag of live rats so they can toss them over enemies and hit them 19 or so times.
53. Putting anything in social skills and other noncombat useful things is hereby forbidden (and explains a lot about this crew).
54. All members of the crew are restricted to being Chaotic Neutral save for those who get Exalted or Vile Darkness cool classes. This minimizes the chance of magic being used against us effectively yet doesn't impede our actions.
55. Zombies are hereby used to go through dungeons ahead of us and thus trigger all traps...
56. Or Red Shirted Crew.
57. Artifacts are hereby moved between crew to lower chance of possession while also maximizing power base.
58. All noncombat spells are forbidden save for the purposes of cleaning up our messes.
59. All who question the Captain's orders are to be assbeat.
60. No, Marish, its not spanking.
61. Henchmen are required to carry barrels of flaming oil and explosives and walk ahead of us. If worst comes to worst, then we can use them as part of our incendiary devices.
62. All priests are now Ur-priests since we don't have to deal with the whininess of deities taking our power away.
63. Or better yet... worship ME as a god.
64. I've come up with this new religion called err... Selfosophy. It'll appeal to the rich and wealthy and guarantee salvation by the more money you give us.
65. Work should be continued to figure out how to topple Sharn for the EXP...
66. But only if we move the brothels, bars, and good restaurants first.
67. All spells are too be tattooed on the backs of the male crew so that we're never out of fireballs.
68. Stupid is to be overloaded with as many offensive attachments as possible.
69. I know, Doog, he's offensive already.
70. All crew, unless they have wills, have their shares of treasure revert to the Captain if they die.
71. Wills and Testaments are hereby forbidden on this ship.
72. Do use the Clone Spell and Quite often. In fact, they make excellent henchmen til they die and you only lose one to suicide after a good period.
73. If a main villain is killed that someone might resurrect, and we have a cleric onboard, raise dead until he's to 1st level THEN kill him.
74. Always recruit our own high level cleric to save on healing...
75. Otherwise you're not getting any.
76. If we ever encounter Bahamut, give him a Dire Rat's Tail. He'll give us Prestige Class changes.
77. If we ever encounter Tiamat, I order you to hold your ground while I uhh... go for reinforcements.
78. Please note that all Crew shares of treasure will yield FAR more benefits if invested into the Jarlot World Domination FundTM. You will receive 10 times your money back... inJarlotdollars.
79. ...or you can invest in the Jarlot Rule the World Fund and have your money back doubled... atamaturityrateof120years.
80. All wish spells will be done by Elf Wizards to maximize the cost/effect ratio.
81. Wishing for More Wishes couldn't hurt.
82. All Genies belong to the Captain.
83. ...especially hot Marids.
84. Cheetohs is our cure for scurvy. Much more cost effective than the Oranges I have to eat for... uhh... medical reasons.
85. The Captain will be at all encounters... and thus benefit any experience divides.
86. ...guarding the rear.
87. Any and all female prisoners are not to be maligned in any way... mainly because the moment I become less sympathetic than my amusement value the hand of the DM will come down on me. HARD.
88. We have invested a large amount of wealth in an owlbear farm. All of the cute and cuddly creatures are ready to be killed by Ketler for EXP so he can create us some magic weapons. So please escort the trusting little things to their horrible deaths.
89. Remember... there's nothing in the rules that says ordering Monster Summoning creatures off a cliff won't give you the EXP for them!
90. Avoid Succubi and vampire girls. They drain levels. Instead, go for the equally kinky vampyres and Alufiends at no such risk. If you're into that sort of thing, Mariliths are all the fun for many more of the feeling.
91. Our first act if we ever get a spelljammer is to drop an asteroid on Argonessan. Thus elevating us to gods EXP-wise.
92. The important thing about borrowing money from House Kunderick is that you should always have the person who handles it be the most expensive. Then when he dies you don't have to pay him back.
93. Corpses are not to be reanimated willy nilly. Instead, check to see if Darguun or Droaam would like to buy our produce!
94. To impress a Valenar nobleman, challenge him to a fight blindfolded, then have the crew jump him.
95. When scavenging the Mournland, the best advice is to scavenge banks and Noble treasuries.
96. Also do it from the airship for minimal risk!
97. Always dedicate your kills to a god. It can't hurt, after all.
98. When encountering an enemy's subterranean lair, the best thing to do is check the ventilation system... and then fill it with toxic fumes. Why risk your life when the treasure is much more easily obtained?
99. Remember, the dead don't need their stuff...
100. The undead are a bit more iffy.
101. Remember cleared lairs are perfect for real estate sales!
