Forgotten Freedom:Evil Overlord
The problem with Evil Overlord lists is the fact that they often take the fun out of evil.
The 101 Captain Jarlot's Evil Overlord Pirate List Suggestions
1. I *WILL* seduce attractive female prisoners because...frankly...even if know betrayal is coming, it's often worth it.
2. I *WILL* gloat over fallen foes but I will make sure that it's when their bonds are securely tightened and they don't have any friends or friendly locals are there to rescue them.
3. When a puny band of rebels assembles to confront me, I will not loot and torture across the countryside to find them. I will offer large rewards to turn on them and rely on human greed to get betrayal.
4. If I make any deals with demons or devils, it will be on one page contracts that I write and sign first.
5. I will not train myself unceasingly in the arts of combat but instead hire someone else to do it so they can be my champion like Darth Vader.
6. I will also make sure that any freakish decor to my palace that he might betray me will have complete control over so I won't be tossed down it.
7. I will have a core cult of weird but fanatical followers who will exist in numerous places to ressurect me after death.
8. I will get a evil female follower to be my main henchwench but I will make it a point she is not smarter than me.
9. Use undead, they cost less and eat more.
10. I will not blow up the world with nuclear weapons, moons, or the Apocalypse. I will however bluff like hell that I'm willing to do so.
11. I will be a classy villain who does not rape, kill children, or the like. People will wrongly assume I give a damn about them.
12. I will adopt a philosophy/religion of "Do what I would anyway" so I can seem like I'm ambigious in my morality.
13. I will adopt a smug attitude that I was expecting everything that happens and pretend that whatever happened is something I had planned all along.
14. I will build huge ass battle weapons because they are cool, even if impractical.
15. These weapons will not be the main part of my force though and when they blow up the Death Star, I will promptly have my regular fleet move in.
16. I will wear black, because black goes with everything.
17. My evil laughter will be amused and gentlemanly, not insane ranting.
18. I will park my evil forces nearby much more evil forces so I can force the heroes to team up against them.
19. I will happily nuke and destroy large scale stuff even though it wipes out women and children, the cool factor will overwhelm the repugnance.
20. I will fight superheroes if I can...they won't kill me.
21. When I discover my one weakness, I will have it divided into improbably large amounts of pieces. That way, even if they do assemble it, it'll be 10-12 years before they succeed.
22. No one is allowed to make ANY prophecies whatsoever in my Kingdom. Good or Bad. They always lead to Chosen Ones or rash actions.
23. I will keep at least one mad artificer on board my ship because scientific stuff is cool.
24. I will keep at least one evil wizard (preferrably wizardess because clothing is inversly proportional to power level and attractiveness in witches) because magic is always good.
25. I will have a harem of beautiful female ninjas...why....I THINK THAT WOULD BE OBVIOUS.
26. Another benefit of undead, they don't get jealous.
27. I will make genocide of monsters a top priority in the evil kingdom. They're never worth the cost ratio to employ.
28. I will have my publicists pick my evil name but maintain final approval. I don't want to end up like "The Flaming Prince" did.
29. In lieu of undead, clone armies and robots are also helpful.
30. Instead of outright destroying the famed mystical society of good. I will propaganda against them, remove their funding, and outlaw them. What? It worked for the Jedi...
31. See 30 And bringing up that PAIR of survivors doesn't change it still largely succeeded.
32. Even if I am personally ugly, my first act upon evil overlord ascension will be to become very handsome since good looking villains last longer.
33. I will attempt to convert the Princess I need to marry to rule the kingdom over to the ways of evil as WELL as hold her captive.
34. When holding the Princess captive, I will take a word of advice from Bowser the Koopa King and create dozens of towers where she's rumored to be held to seriously tick off any would be rescuers.
35. Do not work for any specific God, they are horrible on their underlings and give very little benefit.
36. Attack the Aundair directly, they surrender after five minutes.
37. Use Ventriloquism on the Silver Flame to make the Thrane support my rule.
38. Challenge Boranal to a rigged contest to win his kingdom, he's stupidly honorable that way.
39. To conquer Karrnath..err....well...err...damnit...vampire, undead, militant horde....RATS. Err....hit with the moon! Or maybe something smaller.
40. To conquer the Mournland, RUST MONSTERS and GHOST BUSTERS
41. To conquer the Valenar, circulate Mad Horse disease in the feed I sell the Valenar and blame the Karrnath. Then raise a revolution.
42. To conquer Droam...err....Oh great, marry a Sister of Sora Kell and ask for some serious 'Change Self.'
43. To conquer Darguun....oh hell, toss a piece of meat in the middle of it and they'll kill themselves on.
44. To conquer Q'barra, open a "Lizard Skin Boot" industry and then after that problem's taken care of, use the profits to buy the people's allegiance.
45. To conquer Aerenal, damn...more undead...moon time...or maybe start a crusade against the undead controlled land by Thrane.
46. To conquer the Demon Wastes....get some serious industrial sized binding spells.
47. To conquer Riedra, get House Cannith and the Kalashatyr to make a few hundred thousand 'Dream Catchers' and deal with the Quori for all time.
48. To conquer Argonessan.....okay this time the Moon is REALLY justified.
49. To conquer Xen'drick....two words, wonderful Khovairian DISEASES!
50. To conquer New Cyre, breath on it.
51. To conquer Sharn, modify a Quori monolith to push the Dimension of Air further from it...or just CLAIM I can.
52. To conquer the Eldeen Reaches, offer premium price on LUMBER! The druid religion will fade within a generation.
53. To make SURE Aundair falls, marry Aurala....
54. ....And off her after the honeymoon....
55. ...And don't let anyone named the Dread Pirate Wesley interfere.
56. If I've killed anyone's father and they come seeking vengeance, blame my evil twin Grigor....
57. ...Make sure that Grigor's status as a paladin of Dol Arrah doesn't become public knowledge.
58. Do not make monologues save over conveinant "Message" spells, they WILL cheap shot you.
59. Feel free to negotiate in good faith with heroes but don't poison their meals but instead add 'Charm' Potions.
60. I will not push the self destruct button on my lair causally but recognize I take back a perfectly good fortress usually. I will also keep a remote trigger so they can't take it over.
61. I will take a lesson from Ozymandarius and tell my plans to the heroes...TEN MINUTES AFTER THEY'VE OCCURRED.
62. I will be a horror movie villain if I can, they have a chance of actually winning.
63. Mysterious old men dispensing advice will be consigned to nursing homes.
64. Evil horrific executions will be stayed to watch.
65. I *WILL* offer them the chance to join me because they might accept...however they will be mind tested first.
66. I will hire a choir to make omnious music follow my every movement.
67. I will have magic attached to my name so people hear crashing thunder or organ music play when it ocurrs.
68. I will join the Illuminati or other secret society because they never lose.
69. I will pretend I regret my actions so I'll recieve clemency then turn on them like Sauron.
70. I will try and get an evil advisor's position, they NEVER see it coming.
71. I will use corpses for the decor only OUTSIDE as to not stink up the castle.
72. Ruins will be regulated to my minion's hideout since they are usually drafty and cold.
73. I will employ minions nearly as colorful as myself to delay the enemy by fighting them all.
74. Cloning will be researched to benefit me as well as my armies.
75. If, against all odds, they DO prophecize my death. Kiss my ass goodbye...but find a loophole. Don't try and fight these things.
76. I will employ mercenaries but they will be interspersed with my loyal undead.
77. I will always fall back on piracy if Evil Overlordship fails because people love pirates.
78. If I am cursed in some way that makes me immortal, largely make the best of it.
79. Employ halflings on dinosaurs....because it always takes them off guard.
80. I will identify half a dozen people as my archnemesis so they end up fighting each other.
81. I will keep a dragon but only one and one that is honestly in it for the money versus my holding his eggs hostage.
82. I will use prisoners and other undesirables as my slave labor since people tend to resent taking the innocent.
83. The female ninja harem will never be given missions to seduce an enemy operative, those never turn out well.
84. If I get a spell to make me invulnerable to everything but something very common (water, mistletoe, etc) I will not have it all outlawed and thus draw undo attention to my weakness.
85. When I kill someone horribly, always try and make it witty...people love witty villains. "Apology accepted Captain Needa" for example.
86. If I employ robots, they will be GIANT robots.
87. I will avoid changeling mistresses because...err...well....you never know what you're going to get.
88. I will avoid shifter mistresses even if they are cute because well..claws...sensetive areas.
89. Vampire mistresses...err..well the biting....can be MUCH worse than the neck.
90. I will accept advice about my immenent demise but not simply abandom my own troops.
91. Never start a land war in Asia.
92. Or Sarlona.
93. Never bet against a Sicillian when death is on the line either...
94. Or Boranal halflings.
95. Almost forget, to conquer Zilargo....oh who the hell wants it.
96. I will be like Le Chuck if I can. When I die, come back as a zombie. When the zombie dies, come back as a ghost. When the ghost is destroyed, come back as a demon. If that fails...come back as a god.
97. Tie my essence not to something small and easily transportable but something obscenely large and effectively indestructible.
98. If Breland's Dark Lanterns dispatches their best agent against me, don't try deathtraps or hordes of minions but pay off M to call him back.
99. Don't ever ally with anyone who are Nazi analogues.
100. See 99, PERIOD.
101. If a green radioactive rock has failed a thousand times to kill a superhero....try something else.
102. Wait til Jaela finishes Dark Pontiff's High school before making her my consort.
103. Referring to 84, I will instead make several other things banned, that will not lower the people's opinion of me, so that when the heroes do come, I can just laugh at them.
