John, Enlightened Dire Keel

John was created to punish the crew for misdeeds and other problems they may have caused. Ketler was asked by Captain Jarlot to make a device that would prevent the crew from getting too boisterous. Ketler got very stoned that night, and created John, the Dire Keel. Thus Keelhauling became a punshment that the crew actually feared. John, on the other hand, was a very nice fellow who just wanted to hug people. Unfortunately Jarlot decided that John should be vicious and cruel, and thus was always throwing more idiots down to John. John got depressed and suicidal, and threatened to blow up the ship on account that everyone was evil.

Michael convinced John that he should seek enlightenment, which saved everyone's hides, but made Keelhauling far, far more horrifying to the crew. No one wanted to hear the sermons John now gave, and Michael was duly punished (by 24 hour keelhauling for six weeks).

John now hangs out with Cthulhu and Hippy Kanatash, one of the Alternate Kanatash released by Volrath.