Miles To Go

        The first time I ever realized that Harbinger's crew was going to be more than a crew to me, I think I'd been there a year. Harry and Shyla had this rapport between them that I'd watched since I came on board, and I'd built my own relationships. But a year is the longest I'd ever flown with anyone by that point, and one night we were sitting in this pub sharing a round of beers when Shyla asked me straight out, "You ever gonna let us in, girl?" I was sort of surprised. Not like I'd been unfriendly ever, but ... you know, when the Black is what sings to your soul, you tend to get a little solitary. I thought I'd been friendly enough, but I guess I wasn't really friends with anyone. So I took my time, swallowed a mouthful of beer before I answered her. When I asked her what she wanted to know, Harry just smirked -- she knew a gesture of defeat when she saw it. Shyla was pretty straightforward. "Why don't you start with what's got you running? And then decide if you want to be part of this crew for good or not. Cuz I think you're a good fit, and if you let it happen, I think you're going to find that you already have your niche in this family."

        So I told them. Told them about the music I hear in my head when I fly, like my whole life has a musical score. Each of them has a piece of music in my head that fits them, and when we're all together, it's a different kind of music. And when we're in the Black, that's a different one too. Now, yeah.... I was drunk off my ass by then, waxing all poetic and shit. But... there you have it. I gave them the deepest part of me. And something shifted that night. Shyla and Harry are as much my sisters as Nala. Brian... heh. It's a rare man out there who'd drop everything to get to you when you say "I need you," who'd be your sometime-lover and all-the-time best friend for a decade without making an issue of either or expecting you to be someone you're not, and who'd know that a good barbecue with your family is what you crave when you carve out a small amount of time to be together somewhere.

        I didn't know just how small our time together would be. Would I have gone if I'd known? I'm not sure... I didn't expect the agonies that my heart is having right now. I hadn't really wanted to admit to anyone just how much I'd been looking forward to the meet in Deadwood. I don't think the others on this ship get that even now... even ten years from now... even a lifetime from now... if one of them needs me... Shyla, Harry, Brian..., I will drop everything to go. I will risk everything, leave anyone and anything, if they should ever ask it. And I can't articulate the hurt in my heart that we got a half an hour together and had to scatter to the solar winds again. My crew... my family is going somewhere I cannot follow right now... and gods know, I want to. I don't want them out there without me. I left the ship because I needed... something. Something I can't find words for, even now. A purpose? A way to reconcile the bad that I've done in the name of freedom? Shyla called it a soldier's 'weariness'... now who's waxing poetic? Heh. Clearly whatever it was, I'm getting past it. Because when she told me where she was going, it was all I could do to bite my tongue and not go with. My current crew has .... not an equal pull on me, but I have obligations. And how's that line go? And miles to go before I sleep...

        Shyla told me when I walked away to come home when I was ready. It's been almost three years... in all that time, whenever we've met up, it's been easy enough. We've spent time and gone our separate ways without any emotional fallout on my part. This one? This wasn't easy. For the first time, I realized that the months with Rina, Christian, and Arden have somewhat expanded my pool of loyalties. I can't just walk away from this crew, and Shyla saw it. She asked me if this was the crew I left them for. And now, as I sit here in the cockpit going further and further from the vector Harbinger took, I am ... torn. I cannot be in two places at once, and although my obligations keep me here ... the promise that I have made to help Michael Carter, the implicit promises that I have made to Rina and Christian and Arden ... they keep me here. And yet a part of me will always fly with the Harbinger, and that part of me feels that I just betrayed them, letting them fly into Hell without me.

        I cannot reconcile the split in loyalties. I can't even figure out how I got so involved with Summer's Gift now. Is this what it is to realize you can never go home again? Somehow, I don't think it is anything so permanent.... but I cannot shake the dread that I feel in the pit of my stomach.