Monkey's Paw
She's just finishing the braid in her hair and banding the bottom edge when there is a chime at the ship's airlock, and so Nika heads toward the stairs that lead down to the door and opens it.
Standing at the airlock is Brian. He is cleaned up, freshly shaven, hair still a little damp from a shower. He is dressed casually, but nicely (sort of Han Solo at the end of Star Wars). He is bearing a covered tray and he has a small satchel with him. "Did someone order breakfast?" He offers hopefully.
Both eyebrows shoot upward, and Nika's flummoxed for a moment. "Well..... hi," she offers with a hesitant smile. "C'mon in." She steps back and holds the door open for him. Normally she'd have made a comment along the lines of 'you didn't have to shower just for me' or something, but .... things are off-kilter. She is off-kilter. And so she merely bites her tongue on any kind of smart remark and invites, "Come up. There's coffee." She thinks. Unless Rina stole it all.
"I know I brought a thermos.." He says smiling, and he walks into the ship. He lets you lead, and since he never really saw the inside of Summer's Gift, he gives it an appraisal as he walks in.
She leads him up both flights of stairs to the main living quarters of the Gift, gesturing toward the table. "Make yourself comfortable," she offers quietly and then slips into the kitchen to reappear with two cups of coffee, absently fixing his the way he used to like it without thinking to ask if that had changed.
He has removed the cover from the tray, to reveal two small plates of fresh fruit, two cups of coffee (yours prepared as you used to take it), a small chinese pastry of somekind, and something wrapped in foil. he also tips up a small vase with a single carnation. He is topping off your coffee cup when he sees you carrying the cups. "Uh oh, looks like we thinking about the same thing. How about you try mine, and I try yours?"
Oh, good.... He said he brought a thermos and you assume he means for filling. He brought one WITH him. Crap.
Nika pauses and laughs. "Well, hell," she comments. "I ..... don't mind me, I misunderstood what you said." Rattled much? She turns back and leaves the extras on the counter in the galley and then returns to the table. "I'm... glad you brought enough for two," she says, reaching out to touch the flower with a surprised expression. "Thank you." Sinking into the chair next to him, she studies his face for a long time. "I... was going to come looking for you in a bit here."
"I wanted to apologize for being such a jerk yesterday, and for not coming to dinner. I brought some peace offerings to the rest of your crew too." He hauls up the satchel. and you can peak some wrapped gifts inside. "You know... I was rehearsing what to say, as soon as I heard you were coming aboard. But when I saw you, then the alarms went off, both out there and in here "(He gestures to his head) "I guess Shyla told you whats the matter with the old gray matter."
He tears the foil on the food on his plate revealing what appears to be a hand made breakfast burrito.
The tension's easing slightly from Nika's body language as he talks. She grimaces. "Well, if we're offering apologies, I think the sheer number of them that you deserve from me far outweighs whatever you think you owe." Blue eyes are still just a hint on the wary side, but sincere. "They... filled me in. I've been keeping in touch by Cortex when I could," she admits. "It's... not enough. And I don't blame you for being pissed at me," she offers quietly, her hands coming up to toy with breakfast. She pops a piece of fruit into her mouth, unsure how to say what she'd like to and stalling for a moment more.
Shyla's worrying too much. He's... he seems okay. I mean... mostly.
"Well. I understand completely, I mean I was crisper than the bacon in this burrito." [Burrito contains: hashbrowns, bacon, cheese, green chiles, and egg] "But, I also figured you saw me with Mayra on Pala, and well even though we've never been real vocal about our thing.. I could see how that could be a bit in your face."
There's a pause and then Nika smiles a little, swallowing the bite before answering. "I think the only thing that surprised me, Bri, was ... that you'd have been content to stay. It wasn't exactly something that ever came up before." She shrugs just a little, avoiding his eyes while she unwraps the burrito in front of her slowly. "I didn't... leave because you were hurt, you know. I .... sat by that bed with you. Every day. For hours. And it was.... touch and go for a long time. And the last words we really said to each other were an argument about whether you were coming out of Pala..." She bites her lip. "I... left for a lot of reasons, but most of them are stupid or ... just excuses now."
He looks a little shamed "I didn't mean to suggest you just took off. No, Harry told me of what you did... She also mentioned that she doesn't have the patience for that Mian Dian Gohn." He smiles. "Well, I'd like to say I was awake that whole time, but I don't remember much of anything until the operations. And now everything is still a little, two dimensional, especially my memories. Except you Nika. You are crystal clear.... And I think that means somethings. I think it means you are my way back." He reaches into his bag and extracts a small box...
She looks up and grins a little. "Crystal clear, huh? Except that I'm apparently more bossy than I used to be." Nika pauses and looks tense again, wary of what he's up to. "Shyla's worried about you," she blurts a bit nervously.
What the hell?? He's not doing what it looks like he's doing right? That'd be insane! We haven't seen each other in a year!
"I know we've both changed and grown.. and that is why this is so perfect. That is probably why it couldn't happen before. Me as your superior officer, under the eyes of out friends. But now that we've had a chance to stretch so far, it's only natural that we snap back together." He speaks with what sounds like well practiced thought.
He points the box at Nikaand flicks it open revealing a decent looking rock. "Nika will you?"
"Brian..... stop." Nika reaches out to stop him, and then he flips open the box. And she looks absolutely stunned. "Oh my God." She stares at him wordlessly. Her brain can't come up with a single response.
"I'm not asking you to leave your ship or crew. I can join you here" He looks around a little sheepishly. "Or we can find a place to meet when we can. Couples have done it for centuries. I know we can, we survived all this." He says excitedly.
She said he was... impulsive. Not insane! Oh God...
There's a moment where she looks at him, really ... looks. The younger face, the excited expression. "I want you here more than I've wanted anything in the entire Verse," she says quietly. "I had... planned to leave the Gift to come here, you know. And when we got here, I realized.... that I don't fit. I can't stay here, and you being willing to leave it all for me? This .... this has all done so much for you. You look... happy. Do you really want to try to make this work across the Verse, catching time where we can?" She hesitates because she wants to believe. But ... the offer is coming in an odd format. She blurts, "I don't want you to ask me because I'm the only clear set of memories you have. I want you to ask me because you love me, Bri."
"Of course I love you, you're all I have!"
Yeah... and what happens when I do something you don't like? What happens when you realize I can't give you back what you lost? My life's a Chinese curse.
Nika pushes her plate away, her thoughts morose, and says, "No, Brian. I'm not. You have friends who love you like mad and are scared to death that you're out there trying to kill yourself because of what happened on Miranda. And you have a woman who loves you -- now granted I'm a stupid ass and it took me this long to figure that out! -- that you're proposing to because she's all you have left. That's not love, babe." She bites her lip. "God help me, I wish it was. But just yesterday, you were pissed to high hell because I abandoned you. And now you want to get married and just ignore that part? How's that work?"
Please... say something to me that makes sense. That makes me know that this is really what you *want* and not pure desperation. Please, Brian.
"I already told you. I was just nervous. Now I've had a chance to think it out. And it isn't that I love you because you are all I have left. You are all that survived because I love you so much! And whatever they've told you about suicide missions. That is over..." His face is turning a little red "And what are you saying you love me so much that you can't accept my love. Is all this" He waves around "so much to you?" His breathing heavily.
Nika watches him cautiously, alarmed at the sudden difficulty breathing. She reaches out to take the box from him gently. "No," she replies quietly, instantly. "No, this isn't so much to me. You are. If you want to get married, let's do it. We're out in space, Shyla can do it for us. And if you want to come with us, come with us. If you want to stay on Decatur and we .. .make arrangements to meet groundside, like the old days..." Nika grins a little. "It's not like we haven't done it before, right?"
I can make this work. It'll be enough. He loved me before... he says he loves me now. We can make it work. I can't live with the thought that he might really lose himself -- really be willing to *die* if I say no.
Brian looks stunned for a second. "So.. that's a yes?"
How do you tell a man with a death wish 'no'? Nika's watched Rina turn down the man she loved, and let it never be said she doesn't learn from other people's mistakes. Oh no... she has to go on to make her own. Whether this will be one of them, she can't rightly determine right now. "Yes." The word is.... terrifying. Nika has to fight to keep panic at bay again, for all different reasons this time.
Oh God... what am I doing? This isn't what we need. It's doomed to failure. Why can't he see that?
"Shyla says that this work, though... it makes you happy. It ... helps you. If you can rein in the crazy." Nika eyes him. "I can't stay here. This, the military thing... this was always you guys, not me. I was a ringer brought in to fly."
He doesn't seem to hear anything after 'yes'. He bursts from his chair and moves around the table to Nika's side. "I'm sure I'll be happier with you whereever.. killing just gave me something to focus on. It kept things 'real' but I'd much rather, I'd rather be with you, make this real!"
Getting swept into the hug, Nika erks. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, cowboy," she drawls breathlessly, her arms going around him tightly. Jesus, he was scary ripped at this point. She's not liking the whole 'keeping it real' thing! "We have to work out some logistics. Not the least of which is Shyla and Harry." She buries her nose against his neck, unable to stop herself from hugging him hard. God, it's been so long and she's missed him. "You being on board here isn't just my decision, Brian." And now she remembers the other part of this issue. The impulse control thing. Yeah... Harry's gonna kick her ass.
And Arden... oh God, can they even get along on the same boat? He hates Arden right now for what happened. This is going to go *so* badly.
He looks around "No problem I got some stuff to win over your crew. I'll do what ever it takes Nika. And if they won't have me...well... they will of course, they care about you, they must want what you want."
Yeah.... that's going to go well. "You do realize that Arden is an equal partner in this boat, right?" Nika asks quietly. "Before we even consider you coming aboard here, we've got a lot of things to square away."
Please, Brian, hear what I'm saying to you. *Listen* to me. Work it out, think it through. Jumping into this isn't going to work. Please, please.... don't make me say I won't marry you. It would have been easier if you'd.... no. No, I would never ever wish that. I won't even think it.
"Arden. The Doctor, what is he worried about, a malpractice suit?" He starts to laugh a little. "Beside we don't need to stay. We can get a spread of land out here in Blue Sun, or o back to Boros. We can do anything!"
Nika closes her eyes. Yep. Kicking in butt shall commence. "Brian, I'm not ready to leave the Black. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to leave the Black. Look.... " She bites her lip. "I need you to calm down, and I need us to actually be able to talk about this. Because we can't just take off and do anything." She's seeing what Shyla meant about dealing with a raw recruit. "You just got finished saying we could make this work long distance if we needed to. And the way you're flying off the rails here, babe.... I'm starting to get worried."
"I am willing to do whatever it takes. If you want to fly, I am okay with that. But together, I'm not letting you go, not now. Once you think about it, you'll see it too Nika. This is meant to be. Everything else is irrelevant. Nothing else matters. I know you'll see it too." His voice is rising a bit.
She wanted so much to believe that. And yet, he's a twelve-year-old boy in a man's body. The realization that she's likely made things far, far worse in trying to keep him from despair comes too late. "Things work out as they're meant to, Brian. You know that." She smiles faintly. "I need to see Shyla and Harry before the ship lifts off. We've got a cargo to pick up later today... do you want to meet me there or something?" Because she really needs advice on what to do now.
Rina, where the hell are you?? Why are you always hiding in engineering when I need a save???
"What are you talking about Nika?" He seems a little angry. "I proposed, you accepted, and you are worried about some cargo deal?"
Reaching up to touch his cheek, Nika asks, "Aaaaannnnd.... I thought we said we had to see Shyla anyway. Right? I thought you might want to meet me there to tell her what's going on."
Right, there we go. Shyla's going to handle a ceremony, right? Yeah. Right. Or at least, she'll kick us both in the head.
He grabs Nika's hand firmly, and then puts his other over it tenderly. "The Ice Queen can wait a couple hours. No way I am spending my first moments with my fiancé in her office!" He lifts Nika to her feet. "Where is your cabin?"
Danger! Danger! Take him to bed, it'll just cloud the issue all up! You know it! Don't give in! Don't even think about it!
"Brian, that's just mean," Nika chides lightly with a grin. "You know they have money on this. C'mon, we need to get our chunk of change. C'mon..." She moves to tug him back toward the stairs.
He is getting a wee bit frustrated "Nika, what is this brush off? You say you will be mine forever, just not until you deliver some pretzels to the hungry people of Lilac? Come on, I am sure they will understand, and I will spot you the 100 credits or whatever it is." He stands firm and then starts to maneuver you towards the empty first class stateroom.
He's going to make me say it. He's going to make me just ... flat out turn him away. And it's going to tear my guts out. I can't *breathe*.
"Brian... don't." Nika pulls her hand from his and sucks in a harsh breath, trying to quell panic. "Gods, I'm handling this badly. Do you have any idea how much I wanted this? I love you. And if you were .... back in fighting form, Brian, there isn't a damn thing in the Verse that would keep me from this. But the more you talk, the more you're scaring me. It's like .... talking to a teenager. You're all over the map on me." She shoves a hand into her hair. "And I'm scared to death to tell you no I won't marry you like this because I'm afraid you're going to.... drop dead in front of my eyes. But this isn't.... the you that I love. This is the .... damaged you. And I dont' know how to deal with you."
Brian stares hotly for a moment in disbelief. "Nika wait wait, what is going on her. You agreed to marry me because you are afraid of me? Or afraid for me? I don't know which is worse. I'm the same me, as much as you are the same you. Yeah maybe I sound like a love struck teenager, but Nika. When we made that leap on Pala, we grew up. We made the decision and we've been just waiting for me to get better. And you don't need to wait any more."
"I said yes because you're offering me everything I ever wanted on a silver platter," she replies quietly. "And because ... I want to believe that I can say yes, that we can fly off together, and that everything works out for us. We made that leap on Pala... and we grew up. You made me face the idea that I'd never see you again. That we were done. And I realized I wanted a life with you. And then you threw yourself on a grenade. And came back changed." It's breaking her heart to say it. "I've been waiting for you to get better, but ... you're not. Not yet. I want you to be. You want you to be. But you're not."
"I am hearing... everything you ever wanted...we fly off together... everything works out... but because my skin is a little tighter on the face, and I need an inhaler once and awhile I'm not the same person?"
Shaking her head, Nika fires back. "No... you're hearing what you want to hear. Do you know that you've had Shyla in tears, Brian? You reduced a woman that I have never seen cry before -- not in our whole history! -- to tears because you're out there trying to kill yourself!" She stops, trying not to shout. "You're asking me to marry you because you're afraid. Because I'm the one thing in your head that you do remember and you think that I can make it all better. And I.... I can't. And you'll hate me for that when you realize it for yourself."
Please, Brian.... *listen* to what I'm saying. I want... the old you. Oh God, I want the old you, and this you isn't even you and I don't know what to do.
Brian look nonplussed. He searches the room for some answer. "I'm a soldier Nika, I was before we met. I needed to find something out there, something to test my will to live. Or I thought I did. What I found was that I needed you. I am sensing that you don't feel the same. Is there someone else?"
"That, darlin, is the dumbest question you've ever asked me. Do you think I would have even thought about saying yes if that was the case? What the hell do you take me for? Is gettin' married something you've ever heard me poke fun about? I take that pretty damn serious!" Nika is outraged. "I don't want to be your salvation, Brian. It's too much to ask of a body. For good and bad, in sickness and health, I want to be your partner. Your equal. Not the person you're hoping will somehow fix the disconnect you feel inside." She looks pained. "Because if it turns out that I can't... what will be left of us?"
There's a long moment of silence between them, Nika not being able to get across to him her thoughts and fears and Brian not being able to figure out this dance altogether. And Nika finally says quietly, tiredly, "Your girlfriend on Pala, my relationship with Arden -- they aren't the reason that I'm backing off. Just.... take the time, Brian, to... see if what's in your head can work itself out, okay? I can't be the person you want me to be. And you need time to figure out who you are now."
"Wait...go back there. Your relationship with Arden? Dr. Arden? You mean you and he are still involved? He's been.... with... you... for a year now, while I've been lying in a hospital bed because of his handiwork?"
Oh bloody hell. Nika had the 'caught flat-footed' look on her face. "Off and on," she replies quietly. "And do not blame Arden for the situation, Brian. Dammit. Grenade!"
Brian pokes his head down the hall towards the cabins. "Where is that little bastard?"
