Navero 38

From rec.games.frp Mon Apr 23 20:59:06 1990
Path: uci-ics!jarthur!dparsons
From: dparsons@jarthur.Claremont.EDU (Daniel Parsons)
Newsgroups: rec.games.frp
Subject: Navero XXXVIII
Keywords: Navero, of the Correct and Unalterable Way
Message-ID: <6550@jarthur.Claremont.EDU>
Date: 23 Apr 90 01:41:39 GMT
Organization: Harvey Mudd College, Claremont, CA 91711
Lines: 409

The GM finally got some drinking contest rules together. Everybody rolls a d20 against constitution, with a drinking bonus determined by constitution, size, and personality. Size was a new stat; those who has assigned their character's height and weight read it off the table for their race; others rolled for it. Dania was the smallest person in the party, a Size 6 half-elf (4' 9", 80 lbs.) Kortul was a Size 15 human (6' 3", 230 lbs.) What kind of life you lived also affected matters - Meth had a bonus much larger than his size and constitution would dictate, while Navero's was truly pitiful.

• Navero, male human cleric, 5th level (Size 10, 5' 9", Drink = -4)
• Dania, female 1/2-elf MU, 4th level (Size 6, 4' 9", Drink = -1)
• Kortul, male human fighter, 5th level (Size 15, 6' 3", Drink = +4)
• Razuli, male human fighter, 5th level (Size 13, 6' 0", Drink = +2)
• Kory, male elf bard, 4th level (Size 11, 5' 1", Drink = +1)
• Topash, male elf druid, 4th level (Size 10, 5' 0", Drink = +0)
• Meth, male ? thief, 3rd level (Size 9, 5' 7", Drink = +3)

Topash left the city fairly quickly, as he had no great desire to be in there, and his talents were much in demand elsewhere. The vampire's reign had done a great deal of damage to the world, even out here, and it needed help in repairing itself. Pockets of imbalanced nature were everywhere; they were isolated now, and small, but could not be allowed the chance to grow and spread their influence. This occupied him for a long time; strangleweed and vampire blossoms, and horribly mutated animals, were everywhere. While he was on a deer path, tracking a pregnant doe, he ran across someone else.

Person: (Oldish human with bow and arrow.) "Ho."

Topash: "My greetings, most respected elder. I am Topash Raycin, of the brotherhood of the green wood."

Person: "And ahm Hubert. Ah have a farm over yonder."

Topash: "Your care for the earth has been noted by those on high. But what brings you away from your holdings? The green is endangered, and no place should be left unwatched at this time."

Hubert: "Ahm gettin' dinner. Move off my path, son."

Topash: "Certainly. Have a mind of the fragility of the worlds bounty, and the blessings of the highest ones will be with you."

Hubert: "Yep, yep." (Moves on)

Topash: "Hmmm..." (follows him silently)

Hubert moved along the path rather clumsily, Topash passing without a trace behind him. Hubert shot a rabbit; Topash left him at that point and resumed tracking the doe. He was not a poacher; the world could not stand poachers at this time, and all necessary steps would have to be taken to keep them out of the world.

Kortul hated the place. It stank of people jammed too close together until they lived off each other like leeches. The wilds weren't any better; everything was there, but it were all wrong in some way. The animals were too quiet, the soil to dry, or the leaves too dark. It probably the wizard- thing that hid behind the illusions. It would be better soon, now that he was dead. Meanwhile, Kortul decided to stay out of the unnerving wilderness and inside the city, where it was just as ugly but he knew what to expect.

It was still early in the afternoon, but Kortul decided to sit in the inn and consider his future. Things were not going well at all. He had not made his name great, or collected mighty tales to tell his kinsmen when he returned, or gotten the wealth and power to start his house and buy a wife. Just one, he was still young; just not getting younger. Adventuring did not seem to be a good way to get wealth; but, being in an army was no position for a free man. Sickening, officers think they can order people, and men let them think that. No option, that.

But why am I here, parading around with those people? Nerve wracking idiots, either too loud or cowardly or just stupid. Or all of that. Going alone would almost be more sensible, except you need a wizard and a priest along to take care of things unsuitable to the blade. But why this wizard, and why THAT priest?!? Could hardly imagine worse. Yes, could; no one here steals from anyone else. sigh Cannot go home, I am Kortul son of Korgur, of the clan Hurilsti, and will not return defeated! Will not allow this to wear me down, I will survive my enemies AND my allies, no matter what.

As the afternoon wore into evening, other patrons came into the inn. They were mostly dull and boring people, the ants of the hill. Kortul sat and watched for a while; no one came near his table, as was big, scarred, and obviously in a foul mood. He eventually stomped out and went down by the river, to one of the bars there. He shoved his way to the bar and ordered ale; no one objected, at least not after they got a look at him. He drank it and left, repeating at a second bar; this time he was rewarded.

He shoved a small, bald-headed man in strange clothes out of his way, and the man spun about and fell into a fighting stance. Strangely, he did not draw a weapon, and appeared unarmed.

Person: "I request an apology of you, filth."

(A space clears in the crowded bar, patrons look in with excitement.)

Kortul: "<obscene gerund deleted>" (throw flagon at person)

Person: "Heeee-Yough!!" (dents Kortuls helmet with his fist)

Kortul: ! (Punches monk, with gauntleted fist)

(Much sound and fury, signifying nothing. Eventually, the monk is laid out and Kortul feels much better. His armor is badly dented, though.)

City Guards: (Walk in) "Here now, what's all this, then?"

Kortul: "Disagreement. BEER!!"

Guard: "You look slightly familiar. Have I arrested you before?"

Kortul: "No. Saw at Ethielia, with lordling Bentwick."

Guard: "And what would you be doing with his lordship, you?"

Kortul: "Discussing succession."

(silence.)

Guard: "I would not speak of such things, if I were you. Who was at fault here?"

Kortul: "Him."

Guard: "Of course. Men, get him to jail. As for you, disturbing the peace of our community is a serious offense. Stop it."

Kortul: (grunts)

Kory and Razuli found each other by chance, and not wishing to pass on this golden opportunity to drink each other senseless, they retired to a quiet, respectable tavern and proceeded to give the place some atmosphere.

Kory: "Yes, we'd like a table, and tell me, sir, what do you serve here?"

Tavern Master: "We serve beers of all kinds, ale, mead, white wine, red wine, pink wine, purple wine, whiskey and rum, sirs."

Razuli: "Hows about rum?"

Kory: "A drinking contest with RUM? I say!"

Razuli: "No, don't say anything. You'll look a lot smarter."

Kory: "Oh, har-de-har. Is that a new hairstyle or is your head like that? Now go get us some purple, and lets get ON with this!"

Razuli: "Purple haze..."

Kory: (Starts playing Hendrix) "God, I wish Dania were here."

Razuli: "Nah, I think she's just fine where she is."

Kory: "And where is that?"

Razuli: "Either howling at the moon or in the temple of Gothard. BARKEEP!!"

Kory: "Hmmm... Check this out."

(They look out the window, and see Navero across the street. He is being dragged by a frantic middle-aged woman into a house.)

Razuli: "Well, you knew he'd find somebody sooner or later."

Kory: "She has about as much chance with him as she does with me! He's probably curing a disease or something pure like that."

Barkeep: "Sirs?"

Razuli: "Two flagons of purple."

Kory: "And make it your best, I must insist!"

Round 1 * Ding! *

Kory: (rolls a 3) "Oh, yuck! This is not a class establishment at all! I insist we take our business elsewhere!"

Razuli: (rolls a 5) "C'mon, theres some nice-lookin' ladies waitin' outside. Winner gets first pick!"

Kory: "You're on. In fact, what are you on?"

Razuli: "I swear officer, none of it's mine! It's Meth's!"

Round 2 * Ding! * (Drinking is at -2)

Kory: "Aw, fuck you." (Rolls a 12, makes it.)

Razuli: "Bard, just what is your orientation, anyway?" (Rolls a 6, makes it.)

Kory: (Pffhthhllough!) "What? Just what are you implying?"

Razuli: "I was gonna go get the women outside. Hey, look."

(Navero comes out of the house. The woman is thanking him profusely.)

Round 3 * Ding! * (Drinking is at -4)

Kory: "Gee, he's quick. Young lovers, full of passion but no staying power." (Rolls a 9, makes it.)

Razuli: "And how wou' you know?" (Rolls a 1.)

(One of the painted women outside approaches Navero.)

Whore: "Hi, cutie."

Navero: (Looks around.) "Huh?"

Kory: "Bwa-ha-ha ha ha!! Good luck, lady!"

Razuli: "Yer gonna need it!"

Round 4 * Ding! * (Drinking is at -5)

Kory: "Like gettin' water outa a rock!" (rolls a 4, makes it.)

Razuli: "Or sense outa a bard!!" (rolls a 6, makes it.)

Whore: "Are you looking for a friend, little one?"

Navero: "Uh, I have friends. Don't you have any friends?"

Whore: "Not tonight. Could you be a friend for me?"

Navero: "Well, yes! I want to be a friend to everyone!"

Kory: (Momentarily too hysterical to talk)

Razuli: "Hey, shuld we go get him?"

Round 5 * Ding! * (Drinking is at -7)

Kory: "What?! Schtop THIS?! Are you outa yer MIND?!" (rolls a 7, barely makes it.)

Whore: "Oh, that's nice! I want to be everyone's friend too."

Razuli: "Oh god, thish is tooo much." (rolls a 2)

Navero: "Why don't you have any friends here? Hey, I see some of my friends over there! Would you like to go meet them? Then we can all be friends together!"

Whore: (Blanches a bit) "Them? Those two laughing in the window?"

Kory: "HI!! O god, we bedder get ou' there!"

Razuli: "Yea. Pay da barkeep an' I'll ge' out there."

Kory: "No, yu pay da barkeep! You startud dis!"

Razuli: "ME!?! Fuc yu, and yer instermunt! You go' mor money!"

Kory: "You wer loosing! I culd see it, wooda had yu under tha table in no time flat!"

Razuli: "Quit breathin' on me!"

Navero: "Hello. Is there a problem?"

Razuli: "Oh, Hi, Nav!! Nah, no poblms."

Kory: "Hoo wuz that ladee I saw you wit?"

Navero: "Why are you talking so funny? Have you been DRINKING?!"

Razuli: "Nah. Were jus... real happee to see ya, das all."

Navero: "Oh, that's good. Hey, where did she go?"

Kory: "Who, dear Navero?"

Navero: "Didn't you see her? She said she wanted to be friends, but now she's left. What happened?"

Razuli: "Uh, kid..."

Navero: (Looks confused.)

Razuli: "Yu tell 'im."

Kory: "Ahm not gonna tell 'im, YOU tell 'im."

Navero: (Looks more confused) "Is something wrong?"

Razuli: "AHM no' gonna tell 'im, YOU tell 'im."

Kory: "Ok. Nav... I'll try ta' pu' dis gentle. She's a diseesed hoar."

Navero: (Looks confused, then shocked. Turns bright crimson. Turns and silently runs out of the tavern.)

Razuli: "Reel gently."

Kory: "Yea, bu' did yu slee his FACE? Ha ha hA ha HA..."

Barkeep: "Excuse me sirs. Have you decided which of you will be paying for your refreshments?"

Razuli: "Nah, we aint finish' yet. BRINGEM ONN!"

Barkeep: "You are finished, sirs. Nunzio?"

Kory: "Wait, wait, sheesh sum pleeple ar so implatient..." (Forks over cash.)

Barkeep: "Thank you, sir. Goodnight."

Our sodden comrades-in-arms went staggering down the avenue, filling the night air with joyous song. People avoided them, and they didn't much care. After knocking over a small cart and pissing on a noblewoman's silk dress, they were suddenly brought to a halt by a great flash of light.

( * P O O F ! * )

Paladin 1: "Here now, here's some of them!"

Razuli: "Where how who aw shit"

Paladin 2: "You are a shame to the cause of good and order, the highest elements of the universe! You have wasted our time and energies on a pitiful practitioner of tricks, hardly worth our notice, and so distract us from our great quests!"

Kory: "Wha?"

Paladin 1: "Do not call us unless it is something worthy of us!"

Paladin 3: "Yea! He was a total wimp, and didn't even have any good magic items! We were killing another bunch of Demogorgons when you called us back to this shithole!"

Razuli: "Look, we dinna mean to, it jus' slipped out. Maybe you jus' herd it all wrong, and..."

Paladin 1: "WHAT! You insinuate that we make ERRORS! Do you detect evil on him?"

Paladin 2: "No."

Paladin 1: "Damn!"

Paladin 3: "Anyway, you little wimps better not..."

Paladin 2: "I detect evil on him, though."

Paladin 1: "Hah!" (Cuts random person in the street into tiny little pieces.)

Paladin 2: "No, the one on his left."

Paladin 1: "Ah yes, I see! Sorry!" (Reduces a second random person to a fine red mist.)

Razuli: (Jaw drops) "Uh, we didn' meen anything, yer studlinessesess!" (Huge grin of true desperation.)

Paladin 2: "I detect evil on several people here! Why, it's a virtual nest of bad vibes! Look! There, in those government buildings! There are some evil people in positions of power!"

Paladin 3: "Hey, it's a waste of time. This is a stupid dungeon."

Kory: "Look, don' kill everone! Thas EVIL!"

Paladin 3: "But killing evil is good! That's what paladins do, right?"

Razuli: "Uhh..."

Paladin 2: "The town people here either willingly live with evil, and thus are evil themselves, or are in ignorance of it, and thus must be punished for their lack of alertness. Something... MUST.... BE.... DONE!!! Besides, as long as we're here..."

Kory: "Onlee priestss and palasins can just detec' evl!!!"

Paladin 3: "Then we kill 'em for not being paladins. Hey, how much experience could we get for nuking a city?"

Paladin 1: "Silence! That is not the way! We must be more selective!"

Paladin 2: "Yes! Nuclear devices are tacky."

(Kory & Razuli sneak off.)

Paladin 3: "C'mon! Just nuke it from orbit! It'll get everything real quick and we'll get gobs of experience!"

Paladin 2: "I must say, he has a point. Just going through by hand will be terribly dull."

Paladin 1: "But we must! We're paladins!"

Paladin 3: "Oh yeah, I forgot why they're so boring..."

Meanwhile...

Kory: "Say, do you think this would be a good time to leave town?"

Razuli: "Mmmmaybe, maybe. What do you say we mosey on back to the inn and calmly discuss it with the others?"

Kory: "Certainly. After you, sir."

Razuli: "Thank you."

(Both sprint screaming off into the night.)

Dan Parsons

"shit shit Shit SHIT SHIT SHIT! SHIT!!"