Off Kilter
Terri and Andy and I did this one really quickly, it being more a slice-of-life piece instead of anything gi-normously life changing. Thanks you two!--Maer
Wednesday, 17 Dec 2521
Durance class, Equinox
1230hrs, local time
I'd woken up early and spent the morning going over the cryo units in the aft cargo hold. It wasn't long before I'd learned enough to start removing them. Nothing so self-contained as the chamber we'd made for Lem, but assembled using separate components that performed together. And performed rather well, if I read the set-up right. Of course, it didn't take a genius to understand that Potemkin and Gordon stored the Stitches in these units when they weren't actively deployed, the way toy soldiers were returned to their box after a game. The very idea was practical but repulsive. Human beings weren't toys, after all, and if a few wires got yanked from their contacts with a little more snap, I didn't much care and no one else would know. By noon, I had most of the pieces and parts free of the lockers they'd been installed in and I was packing them into their respective boxes for shipping. Not that we had anyone to ship them to at this point, but still. Better to have them ready for sale than muck about with dismantling them later. So I was head and shoulders in a crate that I'd scrounged for the purpose, packing a unit in hay when footsteps rang on the deck behind me.
---
Joshua walked in front of Nika on their way down to the aft cargo hold. She didn't need directional help, per se - she had gotten pretty good at moving around the ship. However, the cargo hold was one of the places where there was likely to be a lot of scattered debris, and he wanted to serve as her....well, her warning buoy. It gave him something to focus on. The lower decks still gave him an odd claustrophobic feeling every now and again. Best to have something to distract him.
"How goes it, Rina?" he asked as he crossed the threshold.
---
Her footsteps behind him are far more sure than they were two weeks ago, though that may have something to do with the fact that Joshua's leading. Nika doesn't seem a bit bothered by the underbelly of the ship. She remains behind Joshua's left shoulder as he greets the engineer.
---
I heard his greeting and levered myself out of the box, pleased that my insides were only stiff and not painful. However, I made no mention of it, thinking that it wasn't exactly what he'd meant.
"'Bout done here," I said instead, wiping my hands off on my coveralls. "Everything's unhooked." I kept working as I spoke, picking up another part destined for the box and nestling it in the hay. High tech equipment, low tech packaging. The juxtaposition amused me. "Just gotta pack it up. You? Hey, Nika."
I didn't bother asking her how she was. It would simply irritate.
---
"Just dropping by to see whether the cryo units were ready for sale." Seemed like they were.
"Also, it may be necessary for you to assist Kiera during the sale of these items." He looked to Nika even though she couldn't technically look back. "Right, Captain?"
---
Nika wondered for a moment if there was an undercurrent to this that she wasn't privy to. Joshua was putting her at arm's length, and she really was not sure how to deal with it. "Handle it how you see fit," she tells him quietly. "I've already told you my concerns about allowing her to work contracts and deals for us." Her tone is calm, almost subdued, and she actually takes a step back as if to head back up the stairs.
---
I kept packing but looked at Joshua and Nika in turn, a hunch nudging me to look closer. I thought ... ? Huh. I flaked some hay into the box to cushion the equipment and picked up another part.
"I can do that, sure. It would help if she had someone on hand to explain the technical details. Might even make the difference between a bust and a sale." I wasn't entirely sure if that was the motivation but if it put a good face on it, I was willing to go through with it. Besides, of everyone of the crew, I probably spent the most time off the clock with Kiera and my tagging along might not strike her as watchdogging. Which it most certainly was.
"Got any leads on buyers? I know it's early yet and with the weather like it is, might as well be selling ice on St. Albans, but still...," I shrugged and let them complete the statement as they would. And all the while I wondered what the hell was going on.
---
Joshua shook his head. "No leads yet." He wasn't sure what the hell he was doing. Nika didn't need to be down here. He could've handled this himself. In fact, maybe he should just tell Nika to go back. He didn't know what he had been trying to prove, but so far he had only proven his ability to look like an idiot.
He turned to Nika. "You're right, Captain. No need for you to be here for this. I'll just let you know when it is settled and crew disbursal amounts are ready."
---
"Right," Nika says quietly. She pauses only a moment and then nods slightly. "I'll .... talk to you both later, then." Awkward much? She didn't know what the hell to say. She wasn't even entirely sure what she'd done to cause Joshua to step back like this. But it was hers to deal with, not to drag other people into. Pivoting on a heel, she started walking. In the shadows of the lower decks, one might mistake the certainty of her steps for sight.
---
I caught the twitch Joshua's hand made for his neck, that fidget he'd picked up from Jackson and hadn't quite managed to shake. I automatically started counting the days since his last dose and came up with a number I didn't like. The diffident vibe I got off Nika didn't bode well either and I wondered what had happened. To be sure, I could be pretty damned oblivious when it came to people but these were the two most important people in my orbit and right now, things weren't running smooth. It wasn't anything someone outside the crew would reasonably notice. But then again, I'm not reasonable. I leaned over and gave Joshua's arm a chummy thwap.
"Hey, wanna give me a hand here? The sooner I finish, the sooner I can show you something."
---
"Um, sure?" That was remarkably vague. Show him something? He turned back in Nika's direction and called to her. "Sorry again. Let me know if you need me for anything."
Turning back to Rina, he picked up a part that was floating loose. "So this," he asked, giving it a bit of a wave, "goes in that box?" He motioned towards the box nearest to Rina.
---
"Yup. That pile there," I pointed to his right, "goes in that box. I'll start on this one." So saying, I suited action to word. I worked silently for a moment to give Nika time to scale the stairs up and fall out of earshot, then keeping my eyes on my work, I asked softly, "What's going on? What's happened between you two? Something's off."
---
"Why? What's off?" Joshua was trying hard not to be upset about the way things had fallen out. But he was anyway, mostly at himself. If Rina had picked up on it, then clearly he was doing a lousy job of hiding it. But if he could get her to tell him what his mistakes were, then he could cover it up the next time.
---
I picked up another part and debated what to say. I could tell he was upset over something but how to inquire without sounding patronizing or nosy? Hell, just get on with it and let him decide how it sounds.
"A few days ago you two seemed to have worked out who's doing what and now you're ... I don't know ... dancing around it." I decided not to mention the tells I'd picked up. It would only make him nervous when I wanted him calm. "Something just doesn't feel right. Did you and Nika have an argument or something?"
I paused, part in hand, and looked at him then, searching for anything that might clue me in if he refused to answer.
---
Joshua shook his head as he put another part in the box, covering it over with hay. "No argument. Our roles are clearly defined." Why, yes they were, he thought. Boy, he was being petty. This is what he had wanted, what he knew would happen, and now that the time to go back to the way things were had arrived, he was getting pissy about it.
"Look, like I told Nika, I'm just not comfortable with the ship yet, and that probably makes me feel a little off. But everything is fine, I promise." And he took a step over so he could reach her hand and kiss it gently. Hopefully he had been convincing enough. But then again, Rina was stubborn when she zeroed in on something like this.
---
Was it my imagination or did his word choice carry an edge? Was that a glance to the side as he bent over my hand? I held on to him when he pulled away, the chill of the cargo bay cold where he'd kissed me.
"Equinox is different, I'll grant you that, but ... it's been nearly two months." I sighed, wondering how to put it. "We won't really feel at home til we're in the Black, take her for a shakedown cruise. I know, I know. We flew her from Meadow to Boros, but that flight doesn't count. It wasn't a shakedown cruise, it was a retreat. Different thing entirely."
I resumed working as I talked and put the lid on my box, straightened and brushed off my hands.
"And to that end, I've got something to show you. Come with me."
---
"I know, time, etc, etc. I'm sure it will feel like home once she gets taken for a spin." He shrugged and positioned himself to follow Rina. "Lead on, lead on."
---
And that shrug and immediate falling into place bothered me--it didn't sit well with the assertiveness he'd developed since we'd crashed on Meadow and as I took his hand and led him to the stairs, I realized that was it: his assertiveness was gone. Mind, Joshua didn't come to us with buckets and buckets of it, so any that he'd gained stood out. Just as any loss of it showed now. Still, the open hold wasn't the place to ask about it and what I wanted to show him would give us privacy anyway.
"I'd hoped to surprise you with it, but now's as good a time as any." I hit the stairs at a decent clip for someone still recuperating and saved my breath until we'd reached the crew deck. I turned left off the stairs and pulled him into the starboard corridor. "Close your eyes," I said and gave his hand a squeeze.
---
"Yes ma'am," he said as he closed his eyes tight shut. "I am at your command, milady."
He didn't really feel up for games, but that was part of playing the role. Sometimes you did things you weren't comfortable with or didn't feel like to keep it in place. He had fallen very much out of practice ever since he joined the crew. And that was fine - he needed to find himself and who he was. But now that it had been clearly defined, perhaps it was time to go back and refine his acting skills. You never knew when they might come in handy.
---
I led us the three steps to the first of the crew quarters and put him squarely in front of it. Then I opened the door wide and said, "Take a look."
---
He opened his eyes and looked inside and what he saw brought a genuine, if small smile to his face.
For the first time since the Gift had come screaming to the ground in a fiery ball of death and destruction, Joshua felt like he might have a home again. Rina had gotten a double bed put in the room, running perpendicular to the door. But the key touch was the throw rug. It was red and gold and patterned and it just felt right. It made the room feel like it belonged to him and Rina; that it wasn't just a stopping place for them to hang their clothes.
He reached over and hugged her with some ferocity before remembering her wounds and easing off. "Thanks, love. I needed this."
---
"Pazhalusta. I needed this too."
I got us inside, then leaned down and pulled out the screwdriver holding the door open and repositioned it to let it close to a crack. Thus granted a modicum of privacy, I turned and wrapped my arms around Joshua and kissed him gently.
"And I need you."
---
Joshua leaned into the kiss, feeling it tingle against his lips. Then he pulled back a little, rubbing her shoulder with his hand as he did so. "We shouldn't do too much, Rina. Kiera did just re-suture those wounds of yours." The last thing he wanted today was to end up ripping apart Rina's wounds now that they were healing properly.
He sat down over on their double bed, feeling it bounce a little underneath. "Maybe we could just sit here for a little while? It'd be nice just to have some quiet with you."
---
"Let's," I agreed and sat, wrapping my arms around him again. After a year of being intimate, the imperative to rip his clothes off whenever we were alone had faded to something a little more manageable, a level of physical comfort from being in the same room with him. His request didn't bother me and in truth, while I was only stiff this morning I could see the need for caution when it came to my injuries. Given their severity, healing was slow. So I sat in the quiet of our new quarters and held him and breathed.
---
They sat there for a few moments and he just took in the new space. Oddly, it didn't smell like home yet. Of all the things to be concerned about, he wouldn't have put smell very high on the list, but it just didn't smell lived-in yet. Like all the rest of the ship, he thought. The corners are still squeaky and we haven't worn the edges off.
"What do you think about our new ship?"
---
"The Gift was my home for almost three and a half years. That nearly beats my record for longest-time-spent. It took me a couple of months to feel like I'd fully settled in after I walked aboard her." I propped my chin on his shoulder and said to the general air. "To be sure, the first couple of months aboard the Gift weren't what you'd call normal. All that is just to say I'm not sure how I feel about our new ship, Joshua. I've been working on her for two months but a ship really isn't alive until she's in the Black and running as she's meant to be. Sitting parked on the ground is like ... I don't know, like riding a statue of a horse. You know where all the parts go and you have a pretty good idea of the shape of things, but it's nowhere near the real thing. Besides, I really wasn't able to get acquainted with her on the ride in. I seem to recall you drugged me."
I quirked a grin at him and tweaked him gently through his shirt.
"I never did thank you for that. I don't doubt I'd be in worse shape now if you hadn't. Thanks."
---
"That's what fiancés are for." He smiled softly at her. "To drug you into unconsciousness."
As he sat there with her in the silence, the thoughts kept tumbling through his head. Would he ever get used to the ship? He hoped Rina was right, but that time seemed to be a long way away.
---
“I knew there was a reason they coined the term ‘better half’. You’re my better half, Joshua. Thank you for that.” I slid an amused look at him. “As for the ship? Ever wonder why it’s tradition to call a ship by the feminine pronoun?”
---
He shook his head briefly. "Can't say I ever thought about it."
---
"Did I tell you all my secrets when we first met?" I laced my fingers together, clasping my hands at his hip.
---
Joshua chuckled. "Ok, I see where you're going with this. I guess I'm just satisfied with trying to figure out one woman." And he wasn't sure that this new woman liked him all that much.
---
"Give it time. Give her time. You're not seeing her at her best. Besides, didn't you tell me once that a ship is just metal and plastic? That the people on her were more important?" I could still remember the shock of the water hitting my lungs, feel the ocean closing over my head. I lifted my chin from his shoulder and looked at him. "It's the people that make her home, right? All the living we do imbues her with what we call home, gives her that purpose. So ...," I added, shrugging. "She's not home yet, cuz she hasn't had a chance to be."
---
He nodded. "I know. I'm just happy to have you and the rest of the crew." And he was. Made him realize that he ought to apologize to Nika. She hadn't done anything wrong and he was playing the passive-agressive name game with her that Kiera had been playing with him. Nika deserved better. Definitely needed to apologize.
He hugged Rina close and just enjoyed having her near, the smell of her hair and of machines and of...well, Rina. It made him not want to move from this spot.
Maybe apologize tomorrow.
---
I gave him a moment longer before tackling the reason I'd brought him up here. I put my cheek to his shoulder and said softly, "Something's bothering you. What is it?"
---
Like a bulldog, he thought. There were times when Rina's obsessive focus on solving the problem was good. In fact, most of the time, it was a good thing. But now, he didn't want his problem solved. He just wanted to feel sorry for himself for a while before he sucked it up and went back to doing what he was supposed to do onboard - be the XO.
"Just in a mood," he said casually, managing a small smile. "Still not feeling comfortable with the ship, Christmas coming up makes me a little sad, and I'm just about ready to get flying again."
---
So he said. But my arms holding his body told me different.
"All right." I rose and bent to kiss him on the forehead. "Some other time. This is your haven, Joshua, and I don't want to ruin it by arguing." I slipped my hands into his and gave them a slight squeeze, a hug of the fingers. "I don't want to walk in or out of here angry at you. Ever. From now on, I'll leave that ugliness outside. Okay?" I kissed him again and straightened to leave. "Come find me if you feel like talking. I'll be around."
---
"Our haven."
---
"Well, yeah," I chuckled. "I was kinda hoping you'd share."
---
"I love you, you know." Even if he wasn't willing to share - he felt too ashamed of his reaction to his return to the XO spot - he still loved that she cared enough to be concerned.
---
“I know,” I said, giving him a slow smile. “I love you back.” I gave his hands a final squeeze. “You going to sit here for a while?”
---
He nodded. "Give myself some time to think before I go back to financial planning." He paused. "Unless you need my help."
---
I paused, thinking I would love to have something from the galley cooked by him but immediately discarded that idea. I could make my own damn sandwich, thanks.
"No. Still got a few things to do down below." I caressed his face, enjoying the way his beard tickled my hand. "I'll be fine. I'll take it slow. I promise."
I hadn't been exaggerating when I called our quarters a haven. Once we were in the Black, it would be the one place we could go to shut everything out. Best we keep the place as soothing as possible and that meant taking steps to ensure he didn't worry while he was in it.
Fat chance of that happening. Get real. If he wants to worry, he will. Where his body is when he does it won't make a bit of difference. Still, I had to try. Living in the guest house for the past two months had planted that idea in my head and I wanted to see if I could make it work aboard our ship. At least we'll have room to experiment with. We've easily got twice the space and won't have to step outside just to change our minds, as Arden's fond of saying.
"Just promise to remind me to call it quits for dinner? I'll probably get lost in my work and forget to check the time."
---
"Will do. If you want, I can come get you and put you to work helping me fix it." Nothing like making the prospect of extra work sound like a bonus.
---
"Sounds like a plan," I agreed, moving for the door. I got my fingers in the crack and hauled the door open. Or at least tried to. I looked back at him. "A little help?"
---
Joshua got up and walked over to stand next to her. He grabbed the door and yanked on it, but his fingers slipped and he stumbled away from the door with it no wider than when he had started. He started chuckling and then outright laughing. "We're going to be stuck in here forever. I'm gorram glad I like the room and the company..."
Once the laughter subsided, he stepped back over and this time managed a clean pull, opening the door wide. "We're going to HAVE to fix those."
---
"Roger that," I said and suffered the twinge hauling on the door inflicted. I grit my teeth and added, "We're working on it but maybe I should stash a hand torch in here. Just in case."
---
He nodded. "Don't worry, Nika knows you're working on it." He eyed the door. "Just the same, I think I'll leave it open while I think."
---
“Here you go.” I retrieved the screwdriver from the floor and put it in his hand, then leaned in for a quick kiss. “We’ve got the comm panels working. Call me if you need me.”
Since there was no point in lingering, I left him to go below and finish the job waiting for me there.
---
Joshua walked back and settled down into the corner of the bed. The room felt snug, but in a good way, a cozy enclave where he could go to forget about the rest of the ship or the Verse. He could get used to this, he thought. The question was, how long would it take him...
---
Go back to: Timeline Season Four, April 2521 to Dec 2521
Go to EPISODES or TIMELINE
