RY 771, 17th of Descending Water
RY 771, 17th of Descending Air
by the hand of White Morning Petal, personal attendant to Her Radiance the Veil-Winged Shrike, by the grace of the gods Daimyo of Thorns
5th hour
Oh, I could barely sleep last night and here I am, bouncing out of my bed! I can't believe this is happening! I've trained for this, of course, we all have, but when my name was called -- my name, pulled from the ballots from dozens of others! -- I knew that this was going to be the start of something incredible. I couldn't tear myself away from my duties last night to write, but I'm up now, an hour earlier than I have to be, so I can write in my journal. I'm sure they won't mind. Her Radiance is always writing, and are we, her acolytes, not encouraged to follow her in all things? Maybe one day soon I'll have the courage to show her my poetry.
This place is also such a dream come true! The cloisters can't compare. The temperature is the same -- warm when it's cold outside, cool when it's hot -- but the sanctuary quarters are so much more beautiful. I have a little room in the hallway between Her Radiance's apartments and the outer doors. They tell me that in ages past it was the duty of the body-servant to be the mistress's last line of defence against an intruder. Last night when I showed Her Radiance my dagger and told her I'd die for her, she just laughed. And then she touched me! She touched me! Patted me on the cheek and called me a precious child. The folks back home will never believe this. Anyway, my room: it's small, just enough space for a bed, a basin, and my cupboard, but I've shoved a blank between basin and bureau to form a little desk, where I'm writing this now. And the light! No more stinky tapers for me! We've got lightstones, imported all the way from Gem! Even I've got one, even though it's locked behind a cage so I can't steal it. Hmph! As if I would! I have everything I could ever want, just serving Her Radiance.
Last night was busy. I think I've mentioned that already. It was the night before the Admiral left. I was told that she always wants the rooms prepared for when the Admiral leaves, so I started work as soon as I was done with the evening meal; I had to strew flower petals and heat the water and change the sheets -- at least I won't have to send them for cleaning, I hear they're usually ruined in the morning so later I'll probably just toss them out to be burned -- and light the brazier and everything. I also had to feed the demoness. I was a bit worried, but she smiled at me and played this amazing little tune with her fingers -- on thin air! -- and all of a sudden I felt better. And she didn't eat much, anyway. Just sipped some honey through a gold straw. It was the first time I'd done it, but I worked really hard and think I finished everything ahead of time. Even then, I still ran into the Admiral and Her Radiance on my way out. He's so handsome! They say he's got a stable full of sons somewhere nearby, all growing boys. I wonder what they're like? If they're anything like him, they must be very handsome too. Maybe if I serve Her Radiance well, she'll let me marry one of them? That would be amazing, don't you think? Anyway, he smiled at me and asked Her Radiance if she wanted me to 'stay for the festivities'; she just gave him A Look. I don't know what they were talking about but I knew that Look. Mother used to give it to Uncle Zinthos all the time when he joked about Dad. I don't know what that Look meant either, but they're the same, and somehow by making Her Radiance a little bit more like Mother it makes me love her even more now. Her Radiance, that is, not Mother. Mother's gone.
Anyway, I went to bed and it felt like I slept for a very long time. I had a peculiar dream. There was this man in it, who kept stroking my hair and calling me his precious gift. His gift to the sun, he called me. Wherever we were was cold, cold. He was all pale, with this really dark hair. Not black like real hair. More like... black like ink. Or pitch. Even his fingernails were black. He must have seemed frightening, but I was dreaming and I wasn't afraid. He seemed awfully sad. I tried to cheer him up by telling him to see Her Radiance in the morning -- she makes everyone feel better -- but he says he can never set eyes on her until the time is right. I felt so sorry for him then that I gave him a hug. That surprised him, I think, because he made this choking noise and then I woke up. No wonder I was cold! Silly me, I'd left the window open. I closed it up and washed up, and then sat down to write this!
It's about time to fetch Her Radiance's breakfast now. I'll write again later.
10th hour
It's been a boring morning. I last wrote before breakfast, and it's not even time for the noon meal but already I'm bored. And Her Radiance seems equally bored. After breakfast -- which was quite simple, surprisingly: I used to think that Her Radiance would eat three feasts a day! But that's silly of course, she would never do something like that as long as people in Thorns were still going hungry. She tells me so herself -- she got cleaned up. She let me wash her! I actually touched her! And saw her... well, naked. I suppose I'll be doing that a lot from now on. Seeing her naked, I mean. She seems comfortable with it, but why wouldn't she be? She's so beautiful. And her skin is... just different. Rosy Pearl in the cloister had great skin, smooth and white and everything, but Her Radiance's skin... it tingles to touch! She got me to rinse her hair, too, and asked me to sing to her throughout. I didn't want to at first, because the only songs I know are the ones Mother taught me, and I don't want to sing those to her of all people, but she taught me a new one and I sang that one instead. She seemed pleased.
After that, we went down to the nave, where everyone had gathered. I wasn't involved in the service, of course; I just waited by the side. But the second-year initiates are learning quickly: none of them came anything close to how graceful Her Radiance was, but you could see by the looks on some people's faces that they were really impressed. Some day soon I'll finish my novitiate and have my first initiation, and then I can join Her Radiance during the services as well! They all sang a song to someone called Sol, asking for his blessings and stuff, so he must be a god, and also to the city father, who didn't show up today. He does sometimes -- I've even seen him a couple of times -- but he didn't come today. Maybe because the Admiral just left during the night; I suppose it must be complicated, the god being married to Her Radiance and all but her carrying-on with the Admiral.
After that, she sat in the Seat of Judgement and just listened to reports. There were so many of them! Reports from all over the place, too. Apparently we've sent adepts to places like Sijan and Nexus, but they're finding it hard to spread the Golden Word. Lots of people are scared of Her Radiance. I don't blame them. If she wasn't on our side I'd be scared of her too.
Anyway, she seemed happy that the listening to reports and giving commands and advice part is over, and told me I should prepare for a short journey before the noon meal. She said to make sure to tie my sandals on properly and I don't know why she said that because OH MY GODS WHAT IS THAT--
13th hour
I can barely explain what just happened! But I'll have to try, won't I, because Mother will never forgive me if I don't.
Outside on the balcony, Her Radiance summoned this... thing. She called it a demon but I don't want to believe it's a demon: it was too, too breathtaking to be one. I thought demons were supposed to be ugly and cruel, but this one wasn't. It was gentle with me. It put two bronze arms around my waist while it was flying so I wouldn't fall. I didn't understand what Her Radiance said to it, but the two of them seemed to be great friends. And then we flew!
We flew! Mother, would you believe it? I sat on the back of a demon and we flew!
We first went up really, really high, and Her Radiance pointed out different parts of Thorns that I thought I'd never seen before, until she named them. Then I realised how different they must look from way up there. It's very humbling. Reconstruction is going on well, she said, and she seemed happy about the new complexes being built in the slums. We visited there, and people started to gather all around us. I was a bit afraid, but Her Radiance wasn't, and just sat there by a fountain, listening to what people had to say. They brought her a boy whose arm had been crushed the day before when a block of stone from one of the buildings they were tearing down fell on him while it was being moved; she just kissed his forehead and ran her fingers down his arm, and it straightened! Just like that! After that she followed them to the site and collapsed the entire building in one blow, putting them way ahead of schedule; she instructed the overseer to grant everyone full pay, and that they should take the rest of the week off to rest. People were crying when we left, and I almost did too. I don't know what we'd do without her.
18th hour
The afternoon was spent listening to more reports. Boring. The only highlight was when three new adepts came forward to take their vows. They each presented Her Radiance with a medallion they'd made themselves, out of marble or bronze or ivory. She then wrote something on each of them with just her fingernail. She scratched a word right into bronze! And it looked like it had been cast in the metal, with no shavings or seam. That was exciting. Everything was terrible, and Her Radiance seemed to feel it too. Or maybe it's just that she's missing the Admiral; I saw her glancing out the window a few times at the Aeyrie where his ship is usually moored.
I'm going to eat my evening meal. I was supposed to fetch hers first and then eat after she was done, but she said something about the Eclipse Gate and how I should eat first and not wait up for her. I'm very glad that she didn't make me go with her through the Eclipse Gate. The guards are Dragon-bloods, all in jade armour, and they stand there day after day. I don't even know when they change shifts, because their armour always makes them look the same. I used to think that they were supposed to prevent nosy people from going near the Gate. But when Her Radiance entered the threshold room and closed the door, and then there was this noise from inside the room and this cold, I realised it was probably to keep whatever's in the room in.
The adepts tell us not to be afraid of ghosts, that these are the benevolent ghosts of our ancestors returning to guide us, and they must be right, because I've seen them, and they seem happy. I even saw Mother last Calibration, when Her Radiance presided over the Ancestors' Feast, but she didn't remember me. Which is why I'm writing this journal! So when I'm done, and I burn it, she'll get it in the Underworld, and read all about me, and remember me and be proud of me even though she's
She's
I'm going to eat.
25th hour
Her Radiance was tired when she came back from the Eclipse Gate. She thought I wouldn't notice, but I did. And there was blood all over her robes. She didn't bear any wounds that I could see when I bathed her, so the blood couldn't have been hers, but whose was it? Ghosts don't bleed. She's gone to bed now. She didn't want to eat at first, but I begged her and cried and said that Cook would never forgive herself if she cooked something that wasn't to Her Radiance's liking, and she smiled and ate. She put her hand on me and told me I'd done well on my first day, and she wanted me to stay near to her all the time, and be loyal, and that she will take care of me. She's so kind.
She's gone to bed now. She's asleep. The sheets are new. They'll be ruined again soon. All that blood. Maybe some of it will be hers. Some of it will definitely be mine. I don't want to. I don't want to! She's so kind, and beautiful, and powerful. How can I hurt her? But I put the juice in her food, like I was told, and she's asleep now, even though she was trying to read for a while, so it must have worked. It will work. It must. I don't want it to, but I have to.
I have my dagger here with me. When I showed it to her she laughed. I hope the next girl will make her laugh too. I don't want her to feel bad about what's happening to me. It's not her fault. It's theirs. It's that man's fault. I don't want to do it but I must. I see him now, in the mirror, looking back at me, and Mother is with him, except she's... she's gone all to tatters, and there's barely anything left, and he says she'll disappear entirely if I don't listen to him, so I must. But it's so hard! When I raised my hand to strike her the first time these wounds just opened all over me and I started bleeding. The same thing happened the next time, and the next. I'm so weak now. But I have to keep trying. I don't think I'll succeed, and I'm glad that I won't, because I don't want anything to happen to her. But he'll keep making me try. He wants to see how close I can get before Her Radiance's power kills me. I know it will. I can feel it inside me. Like a burning word that's lodged in my heart. Every time I think about raising my hand to her it burns brighter, and brighter, until soon there won't be anything left. It'll tear me to tatters, till I'm as ragged as Mother is.
That's okay. I don't mind. Maybe that way we'll be together.
Notes
by Ragara Jinsei, Captain of the Sunguard
This account leaves beyond reasonable doubt that the assault on Spines by that hekatonkhire couldn't have been a coincidence: it must have been specifically timed to coincide with Her Radiance's visit, in order to exhaust her and leave her vulnerable to the assassination attempt. Herding such a powerful creature near to Spines couldn't have been easy, though, and Her Radiance's survival and defeat of that beast must be a major blow to their plans. They've wasted months of work. Ghostly scouts have reported mortwight movement to the northeast of Spines; perhaps those are the plasmic-herders who drove the creature towards us. If they are, they must also be connected to the assassination attempt and to this deathknight. With Her Radiance's permission, I'll organise a detachment to chase down the mortwights and bring them in for questioning.
