TheStarsAreRight:RedlandLetter12

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Dear Laura,

I wanted to keep you apprised of my progess. I've decided to break this letter into two pieces. The first will be comprised of me complaining endlessly about various topics. The second (undoubtedly shorter) part will include new information regarding my 'investigation'. If you choose to skip the first part, not only will I not be offended, I actively recommend it!

Journeying through Russia (I guess it's Russia again and not the Soviet Union) has been a bit of a slog (ah, the complaining begins). They say that the land here is alive. It seems plausible that this is true, and I have felt that the ... emanations coming from this living land are malignant. All of my other companions have denied this observation, leaving me to think that it may be just my imagination. Perhaps my own mood is currently predisposed to be sorrowful, and I simply see this grim state reflected wherever I look.

In your letter, you mentioned that you are doing your best to remember who you were. It is curious. I feel, to some degree, like I am you in reverse, as I seem to be doing my best to forget who I was. It seems possible that we may both be traveling to the same place, by different means. That is, I may lose myself by forgetting who I was, while you may lose yourself by remembering who you were. Though your efforts to remember are probably wise, I just wanted to caution you: Be careful about letting who you used to be overcome who you are now.

It is strange. Since leaving Wisphers, I have been traveling with a large number of people, but I can barely recall speaking to any of them. I don't think, in the entire time I've known them, that I've exchanged 100 words with the priest or Frank. Auda, Rebecca, and Henrik are primarily occupied with each other. (As an aside, the one good thing about my 'amnesia', is that I'm approaching some things with fresh eyes. Apparently, at one point, I had thought that they viewed the bond as a burden, insofar as I took steps (of some sort) to eliminate it. Now, I'm beginning to think that it is a source of ... a sort of vitality. I think that if it were broken, it would do them all some sort of harm, though I can't ariculate what it would be). I don't think Mary likes me very much. Stewart would listen to me, I believe, but he seems very young, as if he hasn't experienced any hardship or, I guess gained any particular wisdom, yet. It makes him difficult to talk to about some matters. As for Carl, well, I think I may have worn him out a bit when it was just the two of us (I can be a bit much sometimes...)

Anyhow, the most recent thing I seem to have forgotten, is that I, apparently, attempted to kill myself recently. When I still recalled it, no one was interested in listening to me on the topic. Now I've forgotten, but I figured I should try to piece together what happened. It may be a more appropriate exercise for a journal, but I feel as though I must tell someone, even if it is in a letter (where I have a captive audience!)

Some potential reasons appear obvious. The aforementioned malignant land. My general inclination to sorrow. The fact that my physical (and mental) health have not recovered from my illness crossing the Atlantic. I've been experiencing terrible insomnia. I've been unable to stomach much food and my appearance is alarming to me. My memory is a sieve and the world may be about to end. However, although any or all of these things may have played a part, I think it is something else.

There are three internal processes that have the potential to generate our external responses: What we feel, how we think, and what we believe. Feelings can change instantly (and dramatically) but are typically constant for long periods of time. They are generally non-rational in nature. For instance, you may have no opinion on dogs until one day you are bitten by one. This may cause you to hate dogs and feel they are dangerous.

Thoughts update far more frequently than feelings (at least for some people). For some, they are generally rational in nature. For instance, you may read well-documented studies that indicate that dog owners live longer than others, that dogs are remarkably loyal, and that 0.01% of dogs bite people. This may cause you to think that dogs are safe and useful.

Beliefs are formulated as an amalgamation of thoughts and feelings. This means that beliefs are a hybrid of a rational and a non-rational process. The above person may believe that, while dogs are general beneficial to mankind, they are also prone to random attacks.

Most people choose their external acts based on their beliefs. When someone discusses right and wrong, or good and evil, they are generally referencing what they believe. Although people may do things that oppose what they believe, in doing so, they will consider their own actions to be wrong/evil and will feel negatively about themselves.

(Finally!), I'll get to the point. As a general rule, I do not act based on my beliefs. I do not trust them. Since they are a mixture of rational and non-rational (so potentially irrational) methods, beliefs are suspect in their veracity. Instead, I strive to act only on what I think. The philosophy that I think to be true, is that of utilitarianism (generally residing somewhere between Bentham and J.S. Mill). Suffice it to say, I would not say that this is the philosophy that I believe. What I believe was formulated (like most people) primarily when I was growing up.

During normal times, this schism between thought and belief is not too troubling. In ordinary actions, my thoughts and beliefs are similar enough as to not particularly disturb my mental well-being.

However, in the current time of troubles, the divide has grown wider. In particular, I have recently been confronted with a situation where a large group of people were sacrificed to the greater good. It turns out that I believe this to be appalling. It, literally, sickens me. However, I have been thinking about doing something quite similar to stave off annihilation by the Outsiders. In fact, I have been actively supporting a plan that would sacrifice millions. It is difficult to convey the appalling nature of my mental situation. I 'know' that what I am doing is 'wrong'. And not just wrong, but profoundly evil. Nevertheless, I have no intention of altering my course. I will continue to [this entire sentence is lined out]

I apologize. I think I have imposed too much. If you were to refuse my subsequent letters, I would understand.

Now, in regards to my investigation. I showed a portion of your letter to Carl (regarding the American and the Russian), and he made a possible connection. The song you mentioned seems to be associated with alchemists. My previous experiences in these matters have been lost to my memory problems. However, Carl has confirmed it with some people here in Russia. Is it possible your godfather was an alchemist himself? Based on your recollection, it seems likely (though it is, of course, still speculation) that the Russian and the American from your memory were both alchemists.

If this jogs any further memories, please let me know. I am going to continue to pursue inquiries locally. As well as this link to alchemists, another possible lead has presented itself.

I will, of course, keep you informed of any further progress (and I will endeavor to keep my complaining to a minimum). I hope you are well, and I hope you are safe.

Your Friend,

Redland Jack