To Hell With Them All

There would be a knock on her cabin door about 30 minutes after she had gone to bed.

There's a rustling behind the door and then Nika yanks it open quickly, yanking her shirt on over a camisole. Her pants are unbuttoned and her boots unlaced, but she can be ready to rock and roll instantly. "Yeah?" she starts to ask, expecting trouble, and then smiles to see Arden. "Hey you," she says easily. "C'mon in." Because it's clear he's not here to tell her all hell's breaking loose.

Arden looks like he has been through the ringer. His hair is sweaty and tousled, he's unshaven, and he is uncharacteristically biting his lower lip. He looks up, startled even though he's the one that just knocked. "uh," he starts. Then visible swallows and takes a step into the room. He grabs the door and softly closes it behind him. He takes a deep breathe before turning and facing Nika.

She looks more than a little worried at his appearance, reaching out to cup his cheek gently. "Hey... you okay?"

"I don't know where to start," he says softly, "but i couldn't be by myself tonight. I just..... can't" He bites his lip and he wipes his eyes with the back of hand, attempting to quell the tears that are threatening to come.

Nika draws him back toward the bunk with her, more because it's the only place to sit in the cabin than anything else. She's uncertain whether it's reaction to what's happened today or what, but she can't leave him to face whatever it is on his own. Nudging him into the bunk, she slips her boots off but leaves the rest of her clothes on before climbing in next to him and snugging her body against hers. "Talk to me," she whispers quietly as she wraps her arms around him.

At the show of kindness, Arden finally loses it and starts to quietly cry. No sound, but plenty of waterworks. A deep aching sound comes from his chest, one that one can belatedly tell is a so b caught trying to escape. Arden wraps his arms around Nika and buries his face in her hair. His beard itches, but not as much as the hot tears that she feels on the side of her neck.

She doesn't push him to speak, she merely wraps her body around his and holds him to her tightly. Some days... you just have to have a place to go to let all this out.

"I nearly got you and Rina killed today," he softy says when he can. "And then Rick as well. And if only Christian had been there it could have been a clean sweep. It isn't fair! Why won't fate leave you alone and just come after me?"

Oh lord. "Wow, darlin'," Nika drawls softly. "That's one hell of a responsibility complex you got goin' on there, isn't it?" She kisses his cheek softly and continues to hold him. "/You/ didn't nearly get anyone killed. We're all in part responsible for what happened to Valerie in that we asked her for help, and /she/ is in part responsible for agreeing to do it. Does it suck? Yes. Should we have listened to Otto and not come back to Osiris for a long while? Most likely." Her hand strokes his back. "But could we leave her without knowing for sure what state she was in and knowing that she might need help or might have information we needed? I don't think so, no."

Arden sniffles. Then he shakes his head. "But it all comes back to the fact that *I* ran away from Erewhon, and *I* was the one they were after, and *I* have some thing in me that even i don't understand that others want." He pauses, and then plunges ahead, "So it is my fault. And while i can rationalize it away as being others's fault, it is still a rationalization. I think life would have been much more simple if i had been along with Valerie ans then you wouldn't have been involved or in danger. You all could just head out into the black an not have to worry about me or the rest of everything that has an interest in me. It would just be safer and less complicated." Arden starts to pull away and wipes his eyes.

Nika is quiet while he talks, not cutting him off but considering in her own mind how best to address what he's saying. The 'Verse knows, she's familiar with guilt. "Arden," she says gently. "Think about what you're saying here. Valerie didn't get drugged up for her involvement with /you/, she got picked up and drugged because of her involvement with all of us... with Mike Carter in particular. And her situation /is/ partially our fault, but ... your only responsibility here -- and I use the term loosely, truly -- is that you happened to know her and she had the knowledge we needed to try to help Mike. They didn't interrogate anyone about YOU -- they weren't even interested, from what you said, until they realized that you hadn't gone out to Blue Sun. Which is presumably where your whole gene stock went."

"That's an assumption," Arden says sotto voce. "I think they were after me from the start. After all that was where Otto met us, when we were trying to rescue Mike."

When he pushes away from her and sits up, she moves to a sitting position too but remains facing him. "There is nothing /safe/ about the 'Verse, Arden. Whether together or apart. We are all where we're supposed to be," she says quietly. And then smiles a little. "Even Christian commented earlier that the level of coincidences we've faced are just beyond the level of coincidence. Something out there meant all of us to be together, and together we need to stay to see it through. I have a feeling that if we tried to scatter, we'd just get nudged back into each other's orbits anyway."

"I'm not talking about us scattering," Arden says seriously, "Just me. It would be safer for you if i was just.... gone. Away. Somewhere else in the Black."

Nika stares at him and says quietly, "You have one hell of an ego on you," she comments mildly.

Arden raises an eyebrow and despite the sadness in his eyes, he cocks an eyebrow. Pot. Kettle. Anyone?

Pulling one knee up to rest her arm on, she studies him and says, "Number one - Michael Carter has been, from all that /I/ know of him, part of the Resistance from nearly Day One. He is /still/ part of the Resistance, and if I'm any judge of how it works, he's probably somewhere high up in the hierarchy. He knows things, he knows places, he knows people. The knowledge in his head makes him a prime political prisoner, because with what he knows? I'd venture to guess that they could take out a large chunk of the Resistance, or keep an eye on it far more closely than they do at this moment." She doesn't wait for his response.

Arden opens his mouth to speak but closes it as she continues on.

"Number two, while I think that you are now of interest to some people due to the fact that you did NOT toddle off like a sheep to the slaughter up to Blue Sun when they sent your whole gene pool sans Otto there, and while I also am willing to believe that Otto himself has an agenda to figure out what it is exactly about only CERTAIN of your gene stock that makes you ... highly individual from all the others -- a mutation of independence, if you will -- I seriously believe that we ran across Otto the first time primarily out of sheer dumb luck. I think that if they were keeping tabs on you close enough to know where you signed on, they still wouldn't have been able to predict all the events that took us to Blue Sun's chemical plant and our bungle that put Mike Carter into their hands. We've had no real indication of prior to breaking him out of there that they'd caught up to where you were."

Nika tilts her head and says, "I think you're far, far overthinking this. They're interested now, yes. But... your logic that's bringing you this far is not quite cutting it for me."

Arden shrugs and then crosses the room and sits down next to her, "Perhaps I am over thinking it. But that doesn't change anything. I feel like I am causing more problems than I help solve. And I keep seeing these visions of you and Rina and Rick hurt and in trouble. It kills me to think that I might have something to do with that either by actions or inactions. Its.... paralyzing. I don't know what to do."

He sighs, "Nevermind. I think that being along for so long and then having a .... family, has over affected me. I should probably not bother you with this. Its just.... well, honestly, you've become my best friend and i hate to admit it but i really enjoy having you there to tell me what a fool i am. Keeps me centered," he finishes with a lame grin.

"And telling you this is probably not a good thing either," he says looking away. "'Cause its probably one of those things that we don't want to happen if we want to keep our relationship more friendly-like."

Arden shrugs and then crosses the room and sits down next to her, "Perhaps I am over thinking it. But that doesn't change anything. I feel like I am causing more problems than I help solve. And I keep seeing these visions of you and Rina and Rick hurt and in trouble. It kills me to think that I might have something to do with that either by actions or inactions. Its.... paralyzing. I don't know what to do."

Nika reaches out and touches his shoulder to stroke lightly. "The fears that you're having, especially following watching that hundan torture Rick? Those are perfectly normal, Arden. We all have nightmares about hurting or causing hurt to the ones we care about." She smiles slightly. "I don't for a minute think you're a fool for your nightmares -- you just have to keep the nightmares from overwhelming you. And it's far easier advice to give than to actually *do*. You just have to do the best you can and trust that your friends understand the dangers ahead of time and walk in with their eyes open. In our case, not so much, but you know what? We know them now, and none of us is willing to walk away. Hell... we walked into hell for a guy who was important to only one of us... do you think we'd do less for one of our own?"

He sighs, "Nevermind. I think that being along for so long and then having a .... family, has over affected me. I should probably not bother you with this. Its just.... well, honestly, you've become my best friend and i hate to admit it but i really enjoy having you there to tell me what a fool i am. Keeps me centered," he finishes with a lame grin. "And telling you this is probably not a good thing either," he says looking away. "'Cause its probably one of those things that we don't want to happen if we want to keep our relationship more friendly-like."

Nika smiles at him. "You can talk to me about /anything/. Whether we're lovers or not, that doesn't change our friendship, Arden. It doesn't change the fact that I care about what you're thinking and I care about you as a person." She hesitates, though, and says quietly, "I know you don't have a lot of experience with relationships, and I admit that I worry about that. But I trust you to /talk/ to me about what's going on in your head, and I trust you to tell me if you're getting in too deep, if ... " She looks at his face, her own expression now worried and hurt, and says baldly, "The others seem pretty gorram sure I'm going to hurt you. That I'm just using you to kill time. They've made a point to tell me so. I.... hope you know that's not true. I've been... sitting in here tonight trying to figure out what to do."

Arden chuckles, "That's funny. Rina gave me a talking to just a bi ago. She, and maybe you, didn't understand the culture that produced me."

He sighs and leans back on a pillow, "See, on Erewhon, we are taught that relationships, emotional relationships, are bad for the society. Entanglements where you might put the good of a few over the good of the many are bad and to use a pejorative, evil, with a capital E.

"So I was raised where relationships are an anathema. Then I leave and go off world and the first lady that i wind up in a relationship is Valerie, a manipulator from the start."

Nika merely grimaces at this description because although the argument makes sense to her (the good the many over the good of the few), Valerie Sampson is.... well, she doesn't think too highly of her.

Arden smiles, "A background and a relationship like those leave me wondering if I can handle a "real" relationship, whatever that is!" He smiles. "Don't get me wrong, I love all of you on this ship. But there is a still a pretty hard armor around my heart. If you came to me tomorrow and told me that you wanted to drop our relationship I would understand, i would be sad and maybe dejected, but it wouldn't be a life ender or even more than a minor blip in the road." Arden stops and colors.

"Uh," he says awkwardly, "That's not what i mean. I mean it came out wrong. Maybe i should just be quiet now."

Nika laughs out loud at him, leaning back against the bulkhead. "Well... I can tell you I'm not entirely sure that /I/ should be your yardstick for measuring a 'normal' relationship, cuz I don't know that mine actually fall into that category. But no... I understand what you mean, and honestly? I feel the same way about you. I like you -- immensely. But our relationship is what it is -- it's friendship, it's sexual, it's fun... it's a place that I like to be, and you're someone I like to spend time with talking or other things. But... if we ended it tomorrow, I wouldn't be devastated. Regretful that it was ending, and hopeful that we'd still keep the friendship aspects, but... yeah." She looks far more relaxed than she did a few minutes ago. Whatever was said to her was seriously bothering her.

Arden smiles and looks over at her, "Well, i think you and I couldn't be anything other than friends. We have the same wicked sense of humor. And sometimes, you're the only one that gets my aside comments." He then leans in and kisses her softly, letting his lips linger.

Nika laughs softly and uncurls from her position against the bulkhead to turn into the kiss, one hand coming up to cradle against his neck. "That makes me feel right special," she tells him with a soft laugh. "C'mon, you. Curl up in here and get some sleep. You look wiped out from all this stress."

Arden's eyes widen, "You sure? We are on board the ship. And what you and I know is different than what the others know, or think they know. Right?"

Nika's expression very briefly flashes bitterness, which she covers instantly. "To Hell with 'em," she says quietly. "Considering their opinions anyway, not sure I really want to care what they think tonight."

"You sure?" Arden queries, "Cause to be honest with you while i would have to give up my manliness medal if I didn't try to romp, all i really want to do is be cuddled held, and loved." He chuckles showing that he is just being light and is in no way serious.

Arden quickly disrobed then helps Nika out of her clothes before drawing her into his arms and holding her tightly, stroking her hair and he back until their breathing slows and they fall into a sleep.