What Makes a Killer?

What the hell am I *doing*?

I swear, my karma this life sucks. My head is killing me, my body hurts, I don't even want to open my eyes. But when I close them, all I see is that doctor's head exploding all over the back of the wall.

It wasn't an accident. It was a judgment call. And in retrospect, I'm wondering if I've finally gone too far.

I left /Harbinger/ when my dad died, and I didn't go back ... I was tired of the life-or-death stuff. It had been eight years of life-or-death. I wanted to relax at the ranch, get to know my sister again. Instead, her bastard husband needled me and harassed me to death, he was a complete pain in the ass. He used to accuse me of staying away because I loved my crew and my ship more than my father and sister. He was pissed that half the ranch is mine in spite of my absence.... my dad and Nala always understood, from the first time my dad let me fly, that my heart would never be whole on land. I spent most of my time trying to ignore that bastard, but ultimately... part of me wonders if I would have killed him anyway. His death was a clear-cut case of self-defense, he was coming at me, he'd already beat Nala. I will never regret what I did. But... there's this little part of me that wonders if, had he not given me that very useful excuse, I would have found another one. I wonder if the war and the things I've done since have made me into a killer. I shot that doctor after barely a split-second's thought, with no remorse. Or rather... my remorse is for the fact that he was unarmed at the time. He was a clear threat, but... not at that moment.

Am I a killer? I don't /think/ I'm a killer. I don't feel like a killer. Do killers even know they're killers?

Arden and Rina have already come in here and tried to get me to talk to them. But I don't really know how to say any of this. I don't think any of them -- well, maybe Rina -- would get what I'm feeling. And I just don't like to tell people my business. Christian has far too much insight sometimes, I'm hoping he doesn't come in here for a while. I don't know if he's a head job, sometimes it seems that way, or if it's just that he's that good at reading people, but I don't want him reading me right now. I feel remorse for the fact that a man is dead because I deemed him a threat to me and mine. I'm all kinds of torn up, but not exactly about the things I think I *ought* to be torn up about.

For the past few years, Brian has been my anchor in those moments when the darkness overwhelms me. He is the one I tell everything to, the one I told about my brother-in-law... the only one I told for those first six months. So far as I know, he never told Shyla and Harry that I actually caught up with /Harbinger/ only a couple weeks after I left Boros that last time ... I asked him to meet me, he told me where they'd be, and he came alone like I'd asked. When I told him why I was a mess, all he did was be there for me. And when I told him to go... he went, promised me he wouldn't tell them what he was up to. Not like it would be the first time he took off when /Harbinger/ made port. And now... I feel adrift in the sea of this. Not drowning, just... rudderless at the moment. Arden's trying, and Rina's trying ... they want to help. But I just ... I don't know how to share this. I don't know how to let more people in.

My head is very dark place right now. I don't want the rest of them climbing around in it. I'm almost sure I made the right choice. Rina and Arden think I made the right choice. But did I? Or have I lost my the part of my soul that keeps me human? I keep losing chunks of it. I don't even know why a single meeting with Mike Carter is anything in my head, except that ... Torturing Li was the first chunk I really lost. It was the first time I ever really understood that hard choices would have to be made. That the path I'd chosen -- soldier, freedom fighter, privateer -- would take me dark places. Darker than the Black itself. I don't /think/ that I make those choices without due consideration. Due consideration just doesn't take all that long sometimes.

What does that make me? Soldier? Or killer? And will I even really know if I cross the line at this rate?