Editing Forgotten Freedom:9 (section)

== Kanatash's Crew Members ==
'''Jonny the retard Illithid'''

Jonny wanders into Ketler's experimental laboratory. He wanders past countless half-finished weapons of mass destruction and other tools of chaos and evil to hang over Ketler, who has his head stuck under a large metal cylinder with the words "THIS IS NOT A NEW CLONING MACHINE". Ketler doesn’t notice anything until Jonny starts to absentmindedly drool on Ketler's leg.

'''Ketler''': (Jumping up and knocking his head on the cylinder) Aaaaurg! WHO'S THERE!

'''Jonny''': (still drooling) JONNY!

'''Ketler''': AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! MIND FLAYER!

Ketler dives behind a nearby desk while covering his head. Jonny simply stands still staring at the place where Ketler was standing.

'''Ketler''': Oh, It's that brain-damaged Illithid that Kanatash brought on board. I suppose I really don't have to worry too much about him. Kanatash told me he's too stupid to actually be able to hurt me and besides (pulling out an obscenely large crossbow studded with dozens of large dragonshards) I still have my Illithid-Blaster 2.0 if he gets out of hand. (turning to Jonny) Okay, you can stay in here, but just don't touch anything. Most of the stuff in here is fragile and unstable.

'''Jonny''': (now latching his tentacles onto a thin metal tube) GO JONNY GO!

'''Ketler''': NO DON'T TOUCH THAT IT'S MY....

A gout of flame shoots out of the tube immolating Jonny's head and setting off a number of explosions from nearby devices.

'''Ketler''': ... experimental flame cannon. (glances at the blast damage and the headless corpse of Jonny) Oh well, I guess that ones ready for the crew then.

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'''Squinty the nearsighted Gauth'''

Squinty is floating around the deck aimlessly and eventually wanders near the front of the ship.

'''John''': Hello my son, you seem lost. How may I help guide you along the road to enlightenment?

'''Squinty''': What! Who said that! 

'''John''': I am right before you my son, beneath the air upon which you float.

'''Squinty''': What? Kanatash is that you? You know I can't see without my glasses.

'''John''': No, not maddened one. I am he who was once know as John, the keel of this ship brought to life, but now that I have reached enlightenment and have had the titles of Gandhi and Buddha bestowed upon me. I am here so that I may help others to lift up their spirits.

'''Squinty''': Ohhhh, cool. I always wanted to be enlightened and learn the secrets of the universe and stuff.

'''John''': I am glad that you are willing to follow in my teachings. Now please my son let you share in my embrace.

'''Squinty''': (Now floating in front of John) My, what big pointy arms you have, enlightened one...

Squinty's impaled corpse falls limp moments later.

'''John''': Ah, ****. Not again.

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'''Melvin the Allergic Aboleth'''

Melvin wanders into the kitchen where Norbaz is simultaneously boiling soup for dinner and cooking down his latest poison for more potency (notably using the same spoon to stir both liquids).

'''Melvin''': (in a nasally voice) What are you making there?

'''Norbaz''': (barely looking up from his work) Aurla soup and Black lotus extract.

'''Melvin''': Aurala soup? What's that?

'''Norbaz''': It's made from the corpses of the Soulknife Aurla corpses we had left over on the ship after that last battle in Xoriat and just a dash of ground pecans.

'''Melvin''': Uh oh. I'm allergic to pecans. They make me develop huge boils which hatch into flesh-eating leeches that burrow into my skin.

'''Norbaz''': Okaaaaaay then, we will also be having fried chicken.

'''Melvin''': Oh, is that to spicy kind? Because the spicy kind gives me rashes that make me ooze purple mucus if anyone touches them and it' the mucus melts human flesh.

'''Norbaz''': Well, why don't you just stick to the whisky then.

'''Melvin''': But alcohol makes me produce twice as much mucus as I normally do and turns the mucus acidic.

'''Norbaz''': (throws up hands) Why are you even here anyways!

'''Melvin''': Oh, I was looking for some water. I need to wash of the mucus on my skin every few hours or it starts to itch pretty bad.

'''Norbaz''': Why don't you use the wash basin in the bathroom then.

'''Melvin''': Oh, that's right. That was what I was using before.

Melvin drags himself out of the kitchen, leaving a trail of mucus. Just as he leaves Michael enters.

'''Michael''': Hey Norbaz, I've been trying the subtle evil you were talking about. I have some super laxatives I want you to put in tonight’s soup.

'''Norbaz''': Laxatives? I know you're new to this but that is like apprentice-level evil. I really expected more from you...

'''Michael''': No, no, you see I already enchanted the bathroom. I set an Evard's Black Tentacles spell on the toilet and placed a water summoning trap on the wash basin. They're set to go off when the diarrhea wracked victims enter the bathroom.

'''Norbaz''': Water summoning trap?

'''Michael''': It will fill the room with water and summon a water elemental to pummel the victim.

'''Norbaz''': Well that is a fair bit of an improvement. Now we just need to make sure no one sets off the traps before supper and tips everyone off... Oh no...

n nasally scream emanates from the direction of the bathroom.

'''Michael''': ****, there goes that plan down the tube.

'''Norbaz''': (shrugs) well we can still put the laxatives in the soup. It should still be fun to watch what the rest of the crew does since now they should now be too scared to use the bathroom.

'''Michael''': Ooo, you are good at this.

----
Later
Kanatash floats into the kitchen followed by several freaked-out redshirts dragging the corpses of a burned and headless illithid, a gauth with dozens of grievous wounds, and a violated and soggy aboleth.

'''Norbaz''': So, how long did they last?

'''Kanatash''': A full two days. It looks like you win the bet.

'''Norbaz''': Have you talked to Andrea yet?

'''Kanatash''': Yeah, she said her ranks of undead were momentarily full so I should bring the bodies to you.

'''Norbaz''': and the bet?

'''Kanatash''': Ah yes, she has your money but she seemed none to happy about paying up. So do you want the corpses?

'''Norbaz''': Well let's see... (Norbaz pulls out a long metal rod and begins prodding the bodies). I'll take them. I've been meaning to try some calamari and Illithid should be close enough and I hear some races consider beholder eyes a delicacy.

'''Kanatash''': and the aboleth.

'''Norbaz''': Well, no one is going to eat that but I would like to try to synthesize some of that mucus into some sort of poison.

'''Kanatash''': Good. If you need any more let me know. Ketler has already taken some samples so he can use the new cloning machine to make some replacements if you want.

'''Norbaz''': I thought the captain said he couldn't make a new cloning machine.

'''Kanatash''': Yeah, there's probably some rule against it but so what. Besides we can't afford to keep hiring redshirts at the rate we go through them.

'''Norbaz''': Point taken. you might as well have him make a few copies.