Forgotten Freedom:9
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Contents
Introducing Devon[edit]
The Crew: Ohhhh, a new piece of meat, err, crewmember. (In unison) "You must walk the Path of Death!"
Devon: Whaa???
Jarlot: (clearly raging drunk and wearing a monkey suit) "PATH OF DEATH!!!!" (makes monkey noises but gets wailed on by Lisa before he can fling anything.)
Devon: So, now I'm a pirate, eh? What shall my first heroic, piracy act be?
Doog: To be a pirate you gotta hit the brothels!
Devon: Wow! I've been a pirate for years and didn't know!
Michael: C'mon, bardy. Your Charisma score should get us some discounts.
Devon: Well, I do happen to be dead sexy.
Doog: [whispering] *Ya mean fall guy if we get arrested, right*
Michael: [whispering] *Of course*
Another stop in town[edit]
The FF has stopped again for various things like food, alcohol, and fresh mea- er, crew.
Doog, Michael and Devon go walking, when three changelings of the oldest profession appear.
Changeling 1: You boys looking for a good time?
Devon: As much as you are darling.
Changeling 2: We do anything!
Doog: I like the sound of that!
Michael: Anything?? Hmmm... Alright, well first I want you to ******* while you ************** and you **** with *************. But don't ****. Then I wanna **** while *********, while these two guys and you other two **** dixie cup. After that I wanna **********. And you can **** like a bullfrog. Then I watch you ************ *************** same dixie cup ********. Then we throw the dixie cup out.
Everone else: *jawdrop*
Michael: Well, you said ANYTHING.
Later in the Medical room on the Forgotten Freedom
Mickey: So, blackguard, how did you get all those stab wounds?
Michael: Shut up.
Mickey: ...did they put dixie cups in your wounds??
Michael: I knew I should have prepared Cure Wound spells today...
The "Eternal Wand"[edit]
Bolt Tooth Tony: That's "BOLT" Tooth Tony, ya silly sod! I swear, no matter where I go, I'm surrounded by bloody wankers!
Stupid: Did someone say my name?
Bolt Tooth Tony: D'oh
(When we last left our …..ummm… ”heroes?’ *waits for lightning to strike* … Bolt Tooth Tony and Long Wang Hung were having a conversation in whispering tones when Michael appears, let’s listen in shall we….)
Bolt Tooth Tony: ‘ight, guv… do it already! We ain’t got all day!
Long Wang: Hold on, ya snaggletoothed leg-breaker, I’m not sure how it’s supposed to work or what it does, so I wanna make sure I do it right and don’t get any backlash…
Michael: Hey, what are you two up to?
Tony and Long Wang in Unison: …Nothing…
Michael: Oooooh-kay, this can not be good…. I want in!!!
Long Wang: Fine, oka, just keep your voice down!
Michael: So, what are we doing?
Tony: Well you know that “Bag of Stuff” Long is always walking around with…. well, on a whim he decided to grab something out of it to ease the boredom going on round here.
Michael: You call being on this ship “boring”?
Long Wang: It has its good moments. Anyway, as yuck-mouph over here was explaining I reached in the bag and pulled out… this…
Michael: …what…. what is it?
Long Wang: A wand of some type
Michael: …it has an… umm, “interesting” shape
Tony: Yeah, that’s an understatement…
Michael: So what does it do?
Tony: We don’t know yet
Long Wang: As far as I can tell, it works on females and its inflicts some type of “Buff” and “De-Buff” effect at the same time…. okay, I think I can get it to work *points wand at Marish who is on the other side of the deck* …BZZZZT!
Marish stiffens, falls down, convulses for a few seconds, twitches for a few seconds then proceeds to curl up into a little cat girl ball and go to sleep, all the while purring with a content grin on her face….
Tony: ...
Long Wang: ...
Michael: ...
All three in unison: SWEET!!!!!
Tony: How many charges does it have!!??
Long Wang: Dude, it's a freakin ETERNAL WAND!
Tony: Righteous! RIGHTEOUS!!
Michael: Ohhh yeah, things on this ship just got a lot more interesting…
Michael, Tony, and Long Wang: *evil grin*
(Yes indeed, things just did get “more interesting”. Join us next ti…)
Michael: Hey!! Where they heck is that voice coming from?!
Long Wang: Over there! There’s some guy floating on the Ethereal plane… GET’EM!!!
(Hey you guys are not supposed to be able to see m… HEY!! LET GO! How did you grab me?? I’m ETHEREAL!! You shouldn’t be able to… GAH! OW!!)
Tony: We’ll teach ya to spy on us with you ethereal spying spyiness!! Do your thing, Long!
(Hey let go!! ARRGH!! Not the kidney!!! ACK!!!)
Long Wang: That’s right, fool! You done gone and done it now! Long Wang is gonna take you to the town of PAIN, chump!! Population: You!!!
(URK!!)
Long Wang: Right on the corner of “OW!” & “QUIT IT!!”
(HEY!! MY ARM DOESN’T BEND LIKE THA… ACK!!)
Long Wang: Just down the road from “NOT THE FACE!! NOT THE FACE!!”
(…mommy..)
THUD!!
(Due to the graphic nature…)
WHACK!!
(Of this beat down..)
THUD!
(We strongly suggest you do something soothing to remove the images from your memory)
THUMP!!
(Seriously…go play with a puppy or a kitten or something…)
THUMP!!
(…man, that had to hurt…)
CRACKA - SMACK!!
(Ouch… dude, that one ain’t never gonna heal right)
Kanatash's Crew Members[edit]
Jonny the retard Illithid
Jonny wanders into Ketler's experimental laboratory. He wanders past countless half-finished weapons of mass destruction and other tools of chaos and evil to hang over Ketler, who has his head stuck under a large metal cylinder with the words "THIS IS NOT A NEW CLONING MACHINE". Ketler doesn’t notice anything until Jonny starts to absentmindedly drool on Ketler's leg.
Ketler: (Jumping up and knocking his head on the cylinder) Aaaaurg! WHO'S THERE!
Jonny: (still drooling) JONNY!
Ketler: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! MIND FLAYER!
Ketler dives behind a nearby desk while covering his head. Jonny simply stands still staring at the place where Ketler was standing.
Ketler: Oh, It's that brain-damaged Illithid that Kanatash brought on board. I suppose I really don't have to worry too much about him. Kanatash told me he's too stupid to actually be able to hurt me and besides (pulling out an obscenely large crossbow studded with dozens of large dragonshards) I still have my Illithid-Blaster 2.0 if he gets out of hand. (turning to Jonny) Okay, you can stay in here, but just don't touch anything. Most of the stuff in here is fragile and unstable.
Jonny: (now latching his tentacles onto a thin metal tube) GO JONNY GO!
Ketler: NO DON'T TOUCH THAT IT'S MY....
A gout of flame shoots out of the tube immolating Jonny's head and setting off a number of explosions from nearby devices.
Ketler: ... experimental flame cannon. (glances at the blast damage and the headless corpse of Jonny) Oh well, I guess that ones ready for the crew then.
Squinty the nearsighted Gauth
Squinty is floating around the deck aimlessly and eventually wanders near the front of the ship.
John: Hello my son, you seem lost. How may I help guide you along the road to enlightenment?
Squinty: What! Who said that!
John: I am right before you my son, beneath the air upon which you float.
Squinty: What? Kanatash is that you? You know I can't see without my glasses.
John: No, not maddened one. I am he who was once know as John, the keel of this ship brought to life, but now that I have reached enlightenment and have had the titles of Gandhi and Buddha bestowed upon me. I am here so that I may help others to lift up their spirits.
Squinty: Ohhhh, cool. I always wanted to be enlightened and learn the secrets of the universe and stuff.
John: I am glad that you are willing to follow in my teachings. Now please my son let you share in my embrace.
Squinty: (Now floating in front of John) My, what big pointy arms you have, enlightened one...
Squinty's impaled corpse falls limp moments later.
John: Ah, ****. Not again.
Melvin the Allergic Aboleth
Melvin wanders into the kitchen where Norbaz is simultaneously boiling soup for dinner and cooking down his latest poison for more potency (notably using the same spoon to stir both liquids).
Melvin: (in a nasally voice) What are you making there?
Norbaz: (barely looking up from his work) Aurla soup and Black lotus extract.
Melvin: Aurala soup? What's that?
Norbaz: It's made from the corpses of the Soulknife Aurla corpses we had left over on the ship after that last battle in Xoriat and just a dash of ground pecans.
Melvin: Uh oh. I'm allergic to pecans. They make me develop huge boils which hatch into flesh-eating leeches that burrow into my skin.
Norbaz: Okaaaaaay then, we will also be having fried chicken.
Melvin: Oh, is that to spicy kind? Because the spicy kind gives me rashes that make me ooze purple mucus if anyone touches them and it' the mucus melts human flesh.
Norbaz: Well, why don't you just stick to the whisky then.
Melvin: But alcohol makes me produce twice as much mucus as I normally do and turns the mucus acidic.
Norbaz: (throws up hands) Why are you even here anyways!
Melvin: Oh, I was looking for some water. I need to wash of the mucus on my skin every few hours or it starts to itch pretty bad.
Norbaz: Why don't you use the wash basin in the bathroom then.
Melvin: Oh, that's right. That was what I was using before.
Melvin drags himself out of the kitchen, leaving a trail of mucus. Just as he leaves Michael enters.
Michael: Hey Norbaz, I've been trying the subtle evil you were talking about. I have some super laxatives I want you to put in tonight’s soup.
Norbaz: Laxatives? I know you're new to this but that is like apprentice-level evil. I really expected more from you...
Michael: No, no, you see I already enchanted the bathroom. I set an Evard's Black Tentacles spell on the toilet and placed a water summoning trap on the wash basin. They're set to go off when the diarrhea wracked victims enter the bathroom.
Norbaz: Water summoning trap?
Michael: It will fill the room with water and summon a water elemental to pummel the victim.
Norbaz: Well that is a fair bit of an improvement. Now we just need to make sure no one sets off the traps before supper and tips everyone off... Oh no...
n nasally scream emanates from the direction of the bathroom.
Michael: ****, there goes that plan down the tube.
Norbaz: (shrugs) well we can still put the laxatives in the soup. It should still be fun to watch what the rest of the crew does since now they should now be too scared to use the bathroom.
Michael: Ooo, you are good at this.
Later Kanatash floats into the kitchen followed by several freaked-out redshirts dragging the corpses of a burned and headless illithid, a gauth with dozens of grievous wounds, and a violated and soggy aboleth.
Norbaz: So, how long did they last?
Kanatash: A full two days. It looks like you win the bet.
Norbaz: Have you talked to Andrea yet?
Kanatash: Yeah, she said her ranks of undead were momentarily full so I should bring the bodies to you.
Norbaz: and the bet?
Kanatash: Ah yes, she has your money but she seemed none to happy about paying up. So do you want the corpses?
Norbaz: Well let's see... (Norbaz pulls out a long metal rod and begins prodding the bodies). I'll take them. I've been meaning to try some calamari and Illithid should be close enough and I hear some races consider beholder eyes a delicacy.
Kanatash: and the aboleth.
Norbaz: Well, no one is going to eat that but I would like to try to synthesize some of that mucus into some sort of poison.
Kanatash: Good. If you need any more let me know. Ketler has already taken some samples so he can use the new cloning machine to make some replacements if you want.
Norbaz: I thought the captain said he couldn't make a new cloning machine.
Kanatash: Yeah, there's probably some rule against it but so what. Besides we can't afford to keep hiring redshirts at the rate we go through them.
Norbaz: Point taken. you might as well have him make a few copies.
Other[edit]
Jarlot: Wait, you never said you are a paladin of slaughter.
Michael: Yeah, well, I disagreed with the order. They said I have to disrespect all authority and kill things for the hell of it, and not do anything good ever. I said to hell with them, they can't control me, so I stabbed them and fled.
Lisa: and that is different HOW?!
Michael: Er... uh... I can do good things, if I feel like it.
Lisa: And? Have you ever helped anyone ONCE?
Michael: *thinks for a while* I'll gladly help you out of that armor.
Chalky: (momentarily distracted from stalking Squishy) who’s Mel Brooks and can I eat him?
Ketler: Chalky, Mel'broks de Cannath is a respected gnomish bard who has chronicled the lives of numerous heroes, such as the famous shifter and human duo Barf and Lonestar, the saga of the young artificer Frankoonstien, and the History of Eberron (part one). No you can't eat him!
Marish: HEY!!! Not ALL of me is furry!!
Rest of Crew: *jawdrop*
Marish: ....what?
And now, some "Where's Lucky" moments.
Norbaz: Posting tonight's menu.
Menu reads: "Xoriat Insanity Pepper Steak"
Jarlot: (Drunk) Let's go visit Jaela. Sho wat about her guards and religion and what not. Let's go fly bai and go an kidnapper and then dump Alchemist's Chill on da Silver Flame!
Kanatash: I have opened a rift in the fabric of reality! Soon all the planes shall perish!! Reality will end!!!
Stonebeard: I prepared explosive runes today. Er... I think I did.
Ketler: Behold my latest invention!
Pholly: Look what I took from Ketler's room!
Pholly: I made it this time! Look!
Devon: (walks up to Jacob) I would challenge you to a duel of wits, but I have qualms about fighting unarmed opponents, aside from monks.
Jacob: Okay (pushes Devon overboard into John's hug hungry spikes), "Unfortunately for you, I don't".
Norbaz: Uh, thanks. I'll... listen, it's just.
Old dwarven lady: Something wrong, dearie? I do hope you like the sweater.
Norbaz: ....sigh....thank you, it's wonderful. *how in Khyber am I supposed to wear this, wait a second. HEADBAND*
Code of conduct
1. Never miss a chance to make it worse.
2. I'ts never my fault.
3. Redshirts are expensive, so try to get them killed before payday.
4. Stay upwind of the Zombies, unless that puts you downwind of the privy, smig, or doog.
5. It ain't wrong if you don't get caught, or if the captain gets a cut.
The Unwanted Customer[edit]
Stupid the Warforged leapt about the deck, madly swinging a dainty little net made of a pocket handkerchief on the end of a stick. The captain flattened himself against the railing to allow the great construct to rush past, flicking the net about in front of him and cursing.
At the far end of the deck, Doog lounged comfortably in a leather reclining chair, as was his custom when there was work to be done onboard. The tarp that normally covered the chair and protected it from the elements lay in a heap on the deck next to him. The half-orc appeared to be dozing.
Jarlot approached cautiously and cleared his throat.
"Sod off," said Doog, clearly just lying with his eyes closed and a blissful look upon his face rather than actually asleep, "With all due respect, sir."
"Yes, uh," began Jarlot, "What is Stupid doing? He's shaking the whole ship with his traipsing about."
"Ye gods, my head!" shrieked the keel, distantly, as Stupid crashed about the prow.
"What, the warforged?" Doog asked pseudo-innocently, eyes still closed and face still blissful. "I believe he's trying to catch the ethereal butterflies that have infested the ship."
"Ah," said Jarlot, not particularly happy he asked. "You wouldn't have had anything to do with that, would you?"
Doog simply smiled widely, his eyes still closed, and said nothing.
"Right, well," continued the captain, “The real reason I came to talk to you is that I need your help."
"Get stuffed."
"Uh, yes, well, we're approaching this small village of Aundair, and a businesswoman there, an old friend of Marish's, has asked us for help with a powerful but unwanted patron, but hasn't much money to pay us with."
"Tell them to get stuffed too."
"It's a brothel."
"I'm in," said Doog, leaping up and reaching for the tarpaulin protection for his chair. "Let me get my stuff. Oh, I bet Michael will want a piece of this action too."
"Well, quite," said Jarlot. He coughed into his hand, uncomfortable.
"Where is ol' Blacky anyway?" asked Doog, fastening the tarp over his chair, the bright red and crudely painted lettering reading "Doog's chair!" "His ass only!" and "Violators will be Keelhauled!" plainly visible.
"He's, uh, already there," said Jarlot. "He's the reason we're going. Apparently he's been there for four days and has no plans to leave."
"That spawn of Khyber!" cursed Doog, standing up from behind his chair with a shocked look upon his face. "That is despicable!"
"You... think so?" asked the captain, equally shocked.
"That rotten bastard! How dare he do such a thing? It's a disgrace!"
"Is that what you really think, Doog?" asked Jarlot, tentatively. Could it be? Had the vulgar half-orc finally seen the error of his ways and begun to see women as more than a means of sexual gratification? This was too good to be true!
"It damn well is!" said Doog, most chuffed. "He could have at least asked me to come along! Bastard's probably had the whole brothel to himself these past four days! Khyber's Claws, we're wenching buddies! It's what we do!"
The captain sighed. Too good to be true, indeed.
A pilot?[edit]
Michael: Wait, we have a pilot?!
Ketler: You wouldn't know, considering how often we crash. I thought Stupid was at the helm most of the time.
Jarlot: Shut it, gnome. I fly a lot, but when I'm busy pirating, we have a designated driver.
Marish: But I thought I "knew" every man on this ship (who isn't an idiot)
Norbaz: Yes, though SHE usually keeps to herself.
Devon: She?! Yes, one more potential notch on the belt.
Ketler: ... your belt has no notches.
(Devon quickly pulls out a dagger and starts attacking his belt.)
Doog: So, is she hot?
Norbaz: Well, she is a sorceress and-
Michael: That's good enough for me.
Andrea: You don’t even know what she looks like, or her species for that matter.
Michael: Sorc's have high Charisma, and therefore are hot. OFF I GO!
Jarlot: He doesn't know where the bridge is, does he?
Lisa: Who are you talking about now?
Andrea: Someone as paranoid about the crew as you.
Lisa: *Ignoring* So who is this person?
Katanash: She is the one who has steered our vessel throughout the madness, throughout the ends of the-
Everone else: THE PILOT!!
Lisa: Why haven’t I met this person?
Jarlot: She's afraid of all us demented psychos or something. She even fears John!
Devon: AAAH! I CUT MYSELF!! Mickey! Andrea! Heal me!!!!
(Meanwhile)
Slip: Soon, this shall be over, and this ship shall return to House Lyrandar. I just must survive the madness that is on this ship.
Cool Cthulhu: Huh? This isn't the bathroom.
Slip: ...
Spiked Potions[edit]
Devon is on the main deck, trying to get a tan on his pasty skin with a piece of reflective cardboard. He isn’t having much luck......(the story of his love life)
Mickey : (walking up on deck, smiling and humming a tune) There, that solves the whole damn thing. (he tosses several bags over the side, and a few glass beakers)
Devon : Must you stand in my light? I have a date tonight and I need to look my best.
Mickey : That's right, pretty boy, reach for the impossible. I’ve just solved my problems. I replaced all of Pholly's Alchemist stuff with plain ol' water. No more explosions!
Devon : Are you sure about that? The little walking end-table is pretty good at blowing things up.
Mickey : Of course I’m sure. (tosses his flask overboard)
BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM
Mickey goes several shades of pale, takes another flask from a pocket, and guzzles it down. "How? It's WATER for chrissakes!!"
Pholly staggers on deck, smoldering and covered with soot. He looks at Mickey sheepishly. "Umm....little help?"
Lisa: I have concerns about our new cleric. He seems to not handle the suicidal one very well.
Jarlot: Are you kidding?! Ever since he started putting up with that stupid gnome, all the healing potions he's made have been spiked with whiskey! I think I might actually raise his pay!
Lisa: So your saying Mickey's descent into alcoholism is a good thing?!
Jarlot: Of course! Where else am I going to get a healing with a kick to it?!
Hoybee blunders into the sick bay, Mickey is present, placing potions labeled "Cure Light Stoli", "Cureschlager", and "Jaegermeist-heal" in various cupboards.
Hoybee: Say, doc. I’ve got this splitting headache, and was wondering if you have something that would do the trick?
Mickey: Sure, I’ve got something, somewhere, Just a second.
Mickey takes a flask from a hip holster, and takes a swig of the contents. He coughs hard several times, then returns the flask to its place. "There, now let's see what I have for you..."
Hoybee: What was that stuff, sonny? Seemed to go down a might hard.
Mickey: It's my medicine, got quite a kick. Its also good for tanning hides and curing fence posts.
Hoybee: But you’re never sick.
Mickey: See? It works pretty good. Here, try this stuff, it should clear you right up.
BOOOOMMMMMMM
Mickey: Oh, hells, what’s that little retard up to, now?
Devon pokes his head into the sickbay. "Say, doctor. The little gnome fellow is wondering if you can give him a little help. He says he’s got a smidge of a headache. Ciao, I’m off on a hot date....." Devon leaves.
Mickey scoops up his heavy mace, takes another swig from his flask, and walks to the door. "That's it, I’m going to do some 'old fashioned' medicine on that little jerk."
Jarlot walks in, sees Mickey with his mace in his hand and death in his eyes. "Whoa, there, hoss. It weren’t Pholly that blew up the ship. Well, it was, but not the way you think it."
Mickey looks confused. "What do you mean? That little **** is always blowing himself up."
Jarlot glances at Hoybee. "It seems that someone cast Flame trap on the privy lid, and, well, Pholly was the next guy to... ummm... You know"
Hoybee looks thoughtful and a little ashamed. "I was wondering why that Prestidigitation spell didn’t clear up the smell..."
Jarlot turns back to Mickey. "Hey, since I’m here, got any more of that medicine?"
Mickey nods and walks out. "Second desk drawer on the left. Careful, it may have eaten through the flask by now."
Andrea walks in.
"Say, it was nice of you to take over the job of the healer. Now I can focus on my hoards of the undead."
Mickey stares at her. "You're very **** welcome"
Andrea: Those potions you're drinking are stronger then what embalmers use for bodies.
Mickey: It keeps me preserved throughout all this crap on the ship.
Andrea: Well, you're looking worse then my rotted corpse army.
Mickey: *drinks* How did you deal with the walking time bomb? You were healer before me and still have most of your sanity.
Andrea: Well, I usually just killed other people to relax, then reanimated their twisted corpses in a shamble of-
Mickey: You know what? Never mind. I'll stick with drinking...
Doog: Yo doc! I need some healing potions!
Mickey: Dammit, get the blackguard to heal you! I know he can!
Doog: Yeah, but I'm not hurt at all and your potions are spiked! Gimme! *Brandishes the Chain o' Command*
Mickey: Fine... *Mickey's own flask is empty* ****, I need a drink.
Hoybee: Ach, lad, the way ye drink, ye would av been a great dwarf.
Mickey: Oh, if it weren’t for the crew I would never have been inspired.
Hoybee: Ay'll get ye a potion from yer rack with mah Mage Hand.
Andrea: Wait, you're casting a-
(*FIREBALL!*)
Norbaz approaches the doc's room. His right arm is dry and shriveled, because while he was prepping jerky, Pholly's last explosion caused him to slip with his desiccating dagger.
"Wait, you're not casting-"
(*Fireball*)
Norbaz walks away form the Doc's office slowly. Healing can come later.
Running out of food[edit]
Norbaz: WHAT IN KHYBER!
(on deck)
Doog: Huh?
Lisa: (having just pummeled Michael with her hammer for some reason) Was that the ship's cook shouting?
Michael: ouch, yeah, he never really makes a lot of noise.
(Norbaz storms on Deck with several pieces of parchment in hand, an unusual fire in his eyes. He is heading straight for the helm)
Norbaz: Captain, I have something important to report.
Captain Jarlot: What is it.
Norbaz: These sheets detail the price and amount of foodstuffs we pick up each time we stop to restock supplies... and *ahem* our alternate sources of food. When you look at this, it's not much at first, but overtime its built up. We are going through more food than we have crew members for even if everyone had triple portions every night for the past year. Also according to these sheets, a number of pieces of kitchen equipment and small food items such as spices and preserves have gone missing. At the very least I'd wager that we have at least five unaccounted-for stowaways or someone is stealing and hoarding food.
Captain Jarlot: Well, I think I know how to accuount for some of it, so its not such a big deal at the moment, but I'll look into it.
Norbaz: Actually captain, it is a big deal. We're two weeks from our next scheduled port and we have a situation.
Captain Jarlot: And what is it.
Norbaz: Well, not to cause alarm (whispering) After the next meal, which will have to be at half portions, we'll be out of food stocks, aside from some very foul smelling soup broth, which I don't think could sustain a beholder, and could make the crew very, very sick.
Captain Jarlot: I see.
Norbaz: And there is another related problem, captain.
Captain Jarlot: Don't we have enough.
Norbaz: Well, umm... I was gonna give you this presentation of this proposal next week by demonstrating it to you. It would be a new means of crew discipline that I had hoped you would like, but now it seems this inopportune situation has come about.
Captain Jarlot: What, out with it.
Norbaz: Well, I've been putting trace amounts of a special poison mix into the meals, not enough to affect anyone, but enough to over time to cause a chemical dependency. When its removed from someone's diet for a week they become violently ill. I was going to present this to you as a new system of crew discipline with a demonstration... but now this happens, and my supply of the poison and its components are among the things missing from my pantry.
Elminster[edit]
At the top of mountain in Thrane a swirl of lights suddenly appears out of thin air and an man with long mage's robes and a longer beard steps through.
Elminster: Ah, an entirely new multi-universe. I shall introduce new gods which will be active in everyday life, bring obscenely powerful magics into the world and train hundreds of mages to use them, and set up innumerable organizations which exist only to prevent anything bad from happening to the world creating a huge "safety net" and turning the world into a copy of the forgotten realms. Then maybe I should...
The old mage is suddenly cut off as the Forgotten Freedom, running away from Flamekeep after another failed attempt to kidnap Jeala, dips below the clouds and splatters him all over the keel.
John: (in the background) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! !
Jarlot: Did any of you feel a bump just now?
John: Oh my GOD! Get it off me!
Doog: (from his chair) I didn’t hear nothin.
John: AAHHH! It's still alive!
Jarlot: But I'm sure I felt something.
John: DIE! (followed the sound of something fleshy being repeatedly stabbed by two foot long keel spikes)
Marish: I'm sure you were just imagining it, Captain. Why don't you come with me and I'll take your mind off it...
John: My god, what have I done. I've killed another innocent traveler on the road to enlignten... AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! It's twitching. (more stabbing noises)
Jarlot: (face lighting up) Ah, I think I'll take you up on that but first... Kanatash, you're the psychic around here, do you know what happened?
John: (panting) Does anyone have a hose?
Kanatash: I cannot determine what precisely has occurred, but I do have the sensation that something incredibly wrong was just prevented.
Helm of Reversal[edit]
Jarlot, Doog, and Stupid receive notes to meet Ketler in his lab and Kanatash and Michael decided on their own to come along as well.
Jarlot: (closing the door) Ok, Ketler, what's the big deal that you wanted us to meet in private about?
Kelter: (pulling the cover off of a black and white helm) I simply wished to reveal to you my newest and greatest invention, the Helm of Absolute Opposition.
Doog: Yo genius you already made one of those. We tried to use it on Jeala remember.
Kelter: That was a Helm of Opposite Alignment, a powerful cursed item of ancient design. This, however, is both new and even more powerful. This item, when donned, determines the most defining traits of an individual and then creates a copy of them with the opposite traits.
Doog: Yeah, so.
Kelter: Ah, I see a demonstration is in order. This is exactly why I invited Stupid to this meeting, Come here, Stupid.
Stupid bounds up to Kelter's side.
Kelter: How would you like to be a lab rat, Stupid, does that sound good to you? (Stupid nods... well stupidly I guess) Good warforged, now put this on (hands Stupid the helmet). All right everyone, stand back.
Stupid's form begins to bend and shift for several seconds before splitting in two. A new warforged wearing long wizard's robes and carrying a heavy book steps away from stupid moments later.
New Warforged: Greetings, I am Scholar, a warforged mage of immense power having mastered the greatest spells known to Khorvaire and some lost to mists of time. How may I serve you, captain.
Jarlot: Dear sweet Jeala! That's incredible, Ketler! (under his breath) I can hardly imagine the possibilities from using this on the crew...
Kanatash: (to self) now if I can only find the most stable, well balanced individual in Eberron...
Doog: (muttering loudly) So then if I found the ugliest broad in town...
Michael: (talking out loud) So you mean if I could find some woman who was all good-goody and wouldn't **** me this helm would....
Michael grabs the helm from Stupid's head and runs out of the room
Kelter: Wait! I haven't finished testing it yet! There might be some side effects from the helm!
Michael, already out of earshot, runs across the deck to where Lisa is lecturing some redshirts on proper shipboard etiquette and plunges the helm onto her head...
And then there was a succubus:
Succubus: I'm here to kill things, kill things, and kill things. Death to all!! The mortal realms shall over flow with the blood of mortals! The death that was at Cyre shall spread throughout Eberron!
Michael: !!! *whatever dark god I prayed to who listened THANK YOU!* [Abyssal] My name is Michael MCool Cthulhuellan, and I'm the blackguard of your dreams, baby.
Lisa (Still in helm): What the hell is this thing doing here, Michael?!?!
Succubus: Foolish paladin! You blight the land with your holy aura! The order you represent shall be crushed.
Lisa: Prepare to die, creature of chaos!
Fwoosh!
Another succubus appears! This one has the Charisma mods of Lisa. Only negative...
Ugly Succubus: Huh? Wha? *COUGH!* What’s goin on? *HACK!*
Everone in room: ...
Ugly Succubus:*To Michael* Hey there, handsome. *COUGH! HACK!*
Michael: Well, this is a mixed blessing. To kill Ketler, or thank him?
Ajihazi Returns[edit]
Ajihazi: I've returned!
Marish: You were gone?
Ajihazi: Yes! I believe I've found the hiding place of my ancient enemy.
Marish: Oh boy... this is going to be good...
Ajihazi: The Trouser Titan is hiding-
Marish: In Doog's pants?
Ajihazi: That wasn't what I was going to say, but your theory has some merit. Do you think that he's in league with it?
Marish: Oh, most definitely.
Introducing Kithle[edit]
Jarlot: Okay people, this is Kithle. If anyone stops pulling their weight He will eat your brains, assuming you have any, (glares at V, Stupid and Donovan) and take your job.
Kithle: Do I get their pay?
Jarlot: No
Kithle: Part of it?
Jarlot: No
Kithle: Screw this then, you don't pay me enough to eat that, do I look like a Fear Factor contestant? where's the beer and wenches?
Jarlot: Not another one.
More Alcohol and Dealing with Pholly[edit]
Michael: Hey Norbaz, any Champagne in here?
Norbaz: Yeah, but I'm using it.
Michael: Wow, nice spread. What’s that, pheasant, wow, fancy stuff. I thought it was gruel day.
Norbaz: It is gruel day.
Michael: Then what’s with the king's feast of a spread here?
Norbaz: Captain's lunch.
Michael pokes his head into the sick bay, where Mickey is tossing back a few... curing... potions.
Michael: Hey, doc, got any more of that Maanvaki stuff? I’m out of mouthwash.
Mickey: (belching loudly, the alcohol vapors make nearby flames briefly flare up) Yeah, yeah. Take it easy with this stuff. If the captain knew you spiked his Oaty-Os with it, he'll use you for an anchor. (rummages around and produces a glass flask, which he hands to Michael)
Michael: Hey, thanks, doc. Say, where did you get this, any why are you slugging so much of it back?
Mickey: Devon scrounged it for me. Don't ask. And since that new guy... Savvy, or whatever, showed up, Pholly's accidents are getting bigger and bigger. I tell ya, it drives a man to drink. (Mickey downs a flask of Cure Bacardi Wounds in one gulp)
Michael: Hell's bells, There ain't nothing wrong with a drink from time to time. Sheesh. Now if only I could convince that hot paladin chick...
Mickey: Right. I think Devon has a better chance with her. Scratch that, she has something resembling morals.
A loud explosion rocks the ship, which immediately lists heavily to starboard. Several flasks of Maanvaki Grog fall to the deck and shatter, and immediately start to eat through the wood with disturbing alacrity.
Michael: Whoa, that sounded pretty *****in'. I wonder how long it will take Pholly to grow back his eyebrows this time.
Kithle: That does it; for my own safety the redshirt dies permanently. Here, Pholly-pholly-pholly... here, twerp. I'm not gonna hurt you, you won't feel a thing, except when my tentacles slice open your head.
Lisa: It's wrong to eat people's brains.
Kithle: No it isn't, besides its Pholly, if he has any I wouldn't eat them.
Lisa: Well you still shouldn't murder Pholly.
Kithle: This isn't murder, its self-defense.
Lisa: Self defense?!
Kithle: Yes, proactive self defense...
Lisa: THAT'S MURDER!
(Enter, Johnny, the retarded Illithed!)
Lisa: Great, the other brain sucker...
Johnny: Johnny B Good!!!
Kithle: Oh, a fellow Illithid! Would you care to join me? I'm going to see if Pholly actually has a brain, with my own tenta-
Lisa: *Paladin glare*
Kithle: Oh... Hey, the shiny armor lady wants a hug!
Johnny: GO JOHNNY GO!!!
(Bear hugs Lisa and Kithle dashes off to off Pholly)
Tabitha: I heard an explosion!
Squishy: File that one in the red cabinet.
(Tabitha goes over and opens a large red cabinet labeled- PHOLLY)
Tabitha: How much damage do you think it was.
Squishy: If you hear enough explosions, you can actually tell how much damage he caused, down to the last gp.
Tabitha: ...! How big is this thing?
Squishy: Each drawer has the space of a large bag of holding... we filled up the top 3 so far...
(All of the crew stand around the notice board reading the latest notice from captain Jarlot, some of the kinder crew members are helping Stupid and Dooj read the notice)
Dear crew,
In light of the recent increase in the damage and frequency of Pholly's experiments, I shall now be conducting an inquiry into the cause, every crew member must be interrogated to find out the perpetrator. These interrogations are mandatory and anyone who does not attend them will be liquid keelhauled and forced to listen to The Keel's lectures on eternal enlightenment, yes even the keel must be interrogated.
Thank you for your co-operation, Captain Jarlot the Second
Read the Mess Hall Rules
Or
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