Forgotten Freedom:17

Last Plot -- Plot Line Home -- Next Plot

---

(Somewhere over Xen'drick, the Forgotten Freedom floats (hopelessly lost), in Sa'vors cell)

Sa'vor: I'm thinking about enhancing my eyes, lifesight should be quite useful, as well as maybe heat vision, true seeing, the ability to see magical auras.

Slip: So, what's the Whispering and Following Dark up to at the moment?

Sa'vor: Probably trying to convince a redshirt to be their champion, they're like that (removes one of his eyes and begins to magicaly enhance it) besides, I think that they're waiting for backup.

Slip: How can you be sure?

Sa'vor: Well, they haven't been whispering and following as much as I thought they'd be, maybe they're scared and calling for more friends.

Sa'vor: (finishes enchancing eye, moves on to second one (that is after replacing the one he'd been enhancing) ) You know, mortal flesh is so easy to enhance and shape, it's like clay.

Slip: How so?

Sa'vor: That's too advanced for your understanding, anyway, I'm hungry and these redshirts are getting better and better at avoiding me. (finishes enhancing second eye)

Slip: Who's behind teaching them to avoid you?

Sa'vor: Most probably Lisa, though Kithle's obviously the one feeding some of them bloodwine.

Slip: Are we near the tomb?

Sa'vor: Yes, about twenty miles away, east I think

Slip: How can you tell without a map?

Sa'vor: I feel its call, it pulls me towards it, its also got a very large magical aura

---

...and then something very bad happened...

Lisa wandering alone in a cargo bay deep below deck.

Lisa: Why can I not lead a single one of these people to the path of righteousness? I have tried everything I can think of to convince them to abandon at least the worst of their evil ways but to no avail! By the Flame, the blasted keel has had more luck than I have!

(A subtle mumble of voices comes from a nearby dark room)

Lisa: Who's there. I swear if you’re up to something I'm going to smite you into next week!

(The voices grow louder and more distinguishable)

Lisa: By the Flame, maybe that is why I fail. I always turn to violence so quickly. Perhaps the reason I cannot lead anyone to righteousness is because it is something I cannot reach myself.

Whispers: (the voices grow to a hum which rattles the entire room) Lisa, come to us...

Lisa: Why not? I'm a failure anyway. I might as see what this holds for me...

Lisa walks into the pitch-black room and the whispers rise to deafening roar before suddenly cutting off. The lights come on in the room, leaving it completely silent and Lisa nowhere to be found.

---

Later that day the door to Lisa's room is blown of its hinges and Lisa herself walks out dressed in spiked, black full plate and a helm shaped like a demonic face which causes her hair to stick out of the top like and look like her head is wreathed with demonic fire. She carries a skull emblazoned warhammer in one hand which oozes blood from the skulls eyes and in the other a black shield which seems to absorb the surrounding light

Lisa: I hearby forsake all claim to the title of paladin and sacrifice my soul to the consuming darkness of evil! I shall bring death and destruction to all in my path!

Michael: Hey! Welcome to the dark side! How about we go to my room and celebrate!

Lisa: Just because I have sold my soul to the darkness doesn’t mean I like you any more than I did before. Now I simply have no compunctions against doing to you what I always wanted. (Swings her hammer into Michael’s groin with bone shattering force. Michael rises several feet off the ground before falling to the ground in a heap)

Kanatash: Well, he is going to be feeling that for a while.

Lisa: Don't think I've forgotten about you. You may have set me on this path but you also invaded my mind. That is someplace you're not allowed.

Kanatash: (laughing) What are you going to do to me? Incorporeality remember?

Lisa: That is exactly why I had the ghost touch ability placed on my new warhammer. (swings warhammer into Kanatash's stomach, knocking him into and through a nearby wall)

---

Several hours later...

Kanatash floats up behind a group of crates where Kithle, Sa'vor, and Michael are hiding.

Kithle: Where have you been?

Kanatash: Recovering.(grabs chest in pain)

Michael: Same here. (clutches groin defensively)

Sa'vor: Well, this is bad, isn't it. This definitely looks like the work of the Whispering Dark, but I don't understand what dark secrets it had to work off of with Lisa.

Kithle: You can thank Kanatash here for that.

Michael: Are you saying this is his fault!

Kanatash: Indirectly, I have been playing mindgames with Lisa for quite a while now. Reminding her of her failings, implanting memories, subconsciously leading her thought paths, all par for the course. I expected her mind to break soon but the Whispering Dark proved to be a variable I had not accounted for. Instead of breaking down under the stress she has done something wholly unexpected and accepted that I was right.

Michael: So yes.

Kanatash: ...Whatever... What has she been doing in my absence anyway?

Kithle: Well, when she was done with you she proceeded to take Devon apart for trying to flirt with her. I think they were still removing parts of his lute from his rear when I left.

Sa'vor: Then for fun she lit Hoybee's beard on fire. Let's just say he tried to use a spell to put it out and leave it at that.

Michael: Yeah, and after that she kicked Doog's *** with his own chain of command.

Kithle: Then she somehow managed to drop Pholly's lab onto Ketler's lab. The explosion was huge. I think Ketler was badly injured but Pholly managed to come away with only his eyebrows burned off again. Pity, I was hoping something positive could come out of this.

Kanatsh: That must have been the massive blast I felt a while back.

Sa'vor: No that would have been Norbaz's chili container going off.

Kanatash: By the mad lords! And the ship is still in one piece!

Kithle: It wouldn't be except the elemental cleaned out most of the chili earlier. Norbaz isn't looking good, though, and to make matter's worse now the elemental refuses move due to a massive case of indigestion and Lisa roasting the pieces of Chalky she was going to eat.

Kanatash: She ate Chalky? That’s ironic.

Sa'vor: She only got his left arm. I think she also put something in Smig's drink since after he sipped it he passed out. He's in a coma now and Micky says it's more a matter of if rather than when he wakes up.

Kithle: Micky's not doing so hot either. He has a makeshift hospital set up but he was injured somewhere along the line too, so it's mostly those who can still move looking after those who can't.

Sa’vor: I think she also had some fun with Andrea’s undead army. Last I heard she was fighting for her life against about half of her own creations.

Kithle: No one knows exactly what happened, but she did a number on John too. All we know is she was up there talking to him for about half an hour and now we can’t get him to stop crying.

Sa’vor: Then she went and stole Cool Cthulhu’s dreamlily stash. She smoked about half of it herself and sold the rest to schoolchildren.

Michael: Don’t forget that she went all dominatrix on the captain. Personally I couldn’t tell but I think he may have actually liked it.

Kithle: You think that’s bad? When I last saw her she was whispering in Erk’s ear while leading him into her room.

Michael: That summons up all sorts of images that I will never be able to get out of my mind.

Sa'vor: There's more, but I think you get the picture. All told the ship's barely flying and half the crew is injured.

Michael: Yeah, and the other half is in hiding. What really irks me though is the chaos, the depravity, and the wanton destruction. Those are my job and she'd doing it better than I do.

Kithle: And stealing other people's jobs is supposed to be what I do.

Sa'vor: Well, does anyone have a suggestion on what to do next?

Kanatash: I say until we have a better idea we keep our heads low, find a better hiding place, and run like **** if we see Lisa coming.

Kithle: What do you think we have been doing so far, genius?

---

Jarlot: *whistles as he drives the ship*

Dol Dorn: JARLOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Jarlot: Oh hell, it's my god. Listen if this is about those gross acts of cowardice....

Dol Dorn: What?

Jarlot: Oh sorry, I mean the selling myself to the Dragon Below before stabbing it in the back....

Dol Dorn: Say what?

Jarlot: I swear I only worshipped the Dreaming Dark for a short while...

Dol Dorn: Err...I'm not here about that.

Jarlot: I swear, I only did it for revenge... and power... and money. Plus the smoking hot cultist girls.

Dol Dorn: Jarlot, I'm here about Lisa.

Jarlot: YOU CAN'T HAVE HER! SHE'S FINALLY RESPONSIVE!

Dol Dorn: First of all... I'm DOL DORN. I can have any woman I want, thanks to the fact chicks dig my lightning helmet and Mjolnir. Next, you do what I say or I SMACK you with this hammer. You got that?

Jarlot: *sniffle* How could I ever have left you, Milord?

Dol Dorn: Suffice to say, it all starts with the fact that we the Powers that Be acquiring the Ship of Chaos.

Jarlot: You mean the Ta'anari superweapon which contains enough power to destroy an entire planet or dominate an entire dimension?

Dol Dorn: The very same one. It was determined by us though that such a loathsome device was at once too valuable to destroy but at the same time was also too dangerous to allow into the hands of any mortals that were smart enough to be able to use it. So we decided to recreate human society in microcosm with a Captain so dumb and yet simultaneously petty that he'd never figure out how to use its awesome power.

Jarlot: No doubt before replacing him with me. That doesn't say much about human society in General if it's this ship.

Dol Dorn: On the contrary, I think it says a great deal.

Jarlot: I suppose it also explains why there's a Glaabezu in our engine room.

Dol Dorn: Don't be hard on Steve. Suffice to say, Lisa's corruption throws the cosmological balances of the Ship of Chaos into disorder.

Jarlot: Balance, what is this frickin DRAGONLANCE? Screw the Balance.

Dol Dorn: It means in a year's time all of humanity will be destroyed, no doubt in devastating civil war.

Jarlot: I'll strive thus to restore the Balance. It's not my fault that all my Lawful and Good recruits tend to end up dead or in locked in the asylum portion of the ship.

Dol Dorn: No, that's Kanatash's.

Jarlot: Well, I've found something to occupy Kanatash's time and also revenge myself on him for the whole insanity thing... not that I was really crazy.

Dol Dorn: Oh?

Jarlot: I made him Ship's Counselor.

Dol Dorn: You did... WHAT!?

Jarlot: Yeah, Deanna Troi is learning it's not wise to upset me... or that steady access to the crew's mind is NOT the fun and games it appears to be.

---

In the ship's psychologist office

Kanatash: Is it perhaps that these feelings are born from your *psionic suggestion* URGE TO KILL AND MAIM?

Old Dwarven Lady: *gently rocks back and forth as she crochets* Hmmmmm I just can't help but feel that I'm missing something when I'm dealing with this crew. They're such nice boys all around but I always feel like I'm forgetting something when I deal with them. They remind me so much of Gladys Hammerhands' dear boys whom married an elf boy, whooo boy did her parents react badly to that....

Kanatash: *stares at her* *psionic suggestion* You wish to destroy all living things!

Old Dwarven Lady: Do you remember the big church that used to be on Fourth Avenue? I used to play there as a girl and we would occasionally flirt with the older dwarven miners, even showing some heel, which was shocking in those days....

---

Dol Dorn: Wow, that's... even more evil than the Dark Six.

Jarlot: She books six hour sessions twice a week and he's too proud to try physical violence. That and Stupid, along with Erk love her so much that they'd kill him... plus THEY'RE too stupid to be psionically manipulated... hell, mentally manipulated either. Kanatash can't lower himself to be dumb enough to deal with them on their own level.

Dol Dorn: Suffice to say, it's your assignment to restore her to good and nobility, along with her faith in the Silver Flame. Your ship must have a Paladin of glory on your ship... who's a angry feminist.

Jarlot: We've still got the one Ninja Jaela. She makes Cryptic proverbs a lot.

• Ninja Jaela pops in*

Ninja Jaela: Good... is in the heart of the beholder.

• tosses down Beholder heart*

• pops away*

Dol Dorn: Yeah, that's... not going to cut it... and why does she look like a member of the Cast of Dead or Alive?

Jarlot: I try to drink that thought away. Alright, I guess we'll have to drive her SO CRAZY SHE GOES BACK SOON!

Norbaz, covered in horrible burns and bandages, crutches himself to the captain's chamber.

Norbaz: Captain, I would like to request permission to handle the Lisa matter. I have a plan, and If you're willing to grant me permission I would like to carry it out.

Jarlot: Absolutely not! I refuse.

Slip: It'll save you from doing anything.

Jarlot: That's true. I have a busy schedule this week. Beer night, Steinhoists, Octoberfest... in July, Vodka night, Hitting the bars, Wine tastings... okay, sure, Norbaz.

Michael, Sa'vor, Kithle, and Kanatash pop up from behind a stack of crates

Kithle: If you want it, we'll help.

Sa'vor: Yeah, if we don't do something it's only a matter of time before she gets to me.

Jarlot: What the **** are you doing here, Kanatash? You're supposed to be having a session with the dwarf lady.

Kanatash: I am. I recently learned how to duplicate my form so I can be in two places at once. Oh wait, it's time. The other me will be right back.

Kanatash teleports out and then teleports right back in.

Jarlot: So, are you the other Kanatash?

Kanatash: Yes, we are essentially the same person so neither is willing to be subservient to the other. Therefore we switch off every few hours when one of us can no longer stand dealing with those idiots.

Jarlot: Oh...

Kanatash: By the way I think it is unfair to place all the blame for what happens to the redshirts on me. Kithle, Sa'vor, Michael, Doog, and just about everyone else on the ship has a hand in that body count.

Kithle: True, but you're the only one who actively hunts down the really pure and goodly ones.

Kanatash: Well how can I help it if their minds are just so much more satisfying to break? If it makes you happy, I'll try to warp some of the darker ones to the ways of light. My skills are somewhat rusty in that area anyways.

Sa'vor: Back on subject then. If there is anything we can do, supplies, information, extraplanar connections, muscle, or whatever else, we're happy to supply it. We liked the old Lisa a lot better than the new one.

Jarlot: That's true. Some of the redshirts just seem to drop over and die occasionally.

Redshirt *comes out with gun on Marish* Alright, I'm with the Dark Lanterns, you're all under arrest. Where is River Tam!?

Jarlot: *shoots the Red shirt in the face and Dooj with Erk casually tosses the body over the side* See?

Marish: Yeah, Lisa's been acting real weird. She even tried to cuddle me!

Michael: HEY!

Jarlot: Evil doesn't... cuddle.

Kanatash: Proof there is still good inside her! Anyone who can love such an inherently evil species as felines must have some light.

Norbaz : Well, to begin, the plan I have hatched hinges on playing to something particularly interesting. I think she only thinks she is evil and is but only emulating behavior she has seen us do. She isn't acting in any regard to evil, particularly in attacking crew members she previously had little contact with, and in my case at least civil contact with inside the mess hall. Effectively she's torn between seeing things as black and white and seeing things as having shades of gray. What I propose, is that the ship fly over Xen'drick, we wait for her to go on deck, then we pelt her with manacles, tanglefoot bags, and lassos. Immediately we bull rush her over the edge and we show her the nature of evil versus whatever of herself remains in contrast to the lacking of morality backdrop of nature itself. And if that doesn't work, (reaches over to a redshirt convieniently nearby and there is a popping sound as there is suddenly a heart in Norbaz's hand) we'll have a heart to heart.

Jarlot: Hey! I paid thirty gp for that!

Slip: Way to show compassion for a crew member.

Jarlot: We're like Section One, Slip, we recruit criminals so we don't have to feel guilty about killing them.

Slip: You feel guilt?

Jarlot: Chaotic Neutral, baby, so long as I kill more evil people than good then I'm immune to most Alignment attacking spells.

Slip: That's the most cynical thing I've ever heard in my life.

Jarlot: Get out more. In any case, I have another plan entirely.

Crew in its entirety: Oh... crap.

Jarlot: Plans 1-372 for world domination were not all bad!

Slip: What about... the one... where you did the thing.

Jarlot: What are you tal... oh! That one! Err... *looks embarrassed* I thought we promised we wouldn't talk about that.

Marish: *leans on the Captain* What was it, Captain Snookums? Was it too hot... too dirty?

Slip: It was pretty damn weird, yes.

Jarlot: Aren't you supposed to not exist?

Slip: Everyone please ignore me, I'm a figment of the Captain's insanity.

Jarlot: No, we're going to go On a Quest of Atonement!

Slip: Oh hell.

Jarlot: All we have to do is kill enough evil things until we move towards good and then with Pontifical blessings then she's cured!

Slip: Can't she just... go to confession?

Jarlot: No! Violence is all Good understands! Prepare gentlemen for... OUR QUEST OF GOOD! To NOT harm the innocent and inflict doubly so on the guilty. I understand according to this book *lifts Monstrous Manual* that genocide against nonhumans is especially okay!

Erk and Dooj: *stare*

Jarlot: Oh hush, there's only one crew we'll have to kill. And HE knows which one I mean.

Cool Cthulhu: Hey guys! I baked some cookies!

Jarlot: *pulls saber*

Slip: ...this is not going to go over well.

---

Satnak: I have a hellspawned headache, a gut pain only to be imagined by the madness of Xoriat, an arm made of a list that could only be written in Dal Quor, and a fracking Antediluvian force to track down. All the while you twits are screaming your lungs out about a quest!. That does it!!. LISA, SIT DOWN!!!...

Lisa: (sits)

Satnak: EVERONE ELSE, BACK TO WHATEVER THE MOL YOU WERE DOING.

Crew: (Disperses very fast.)

Satnak: Ok first thing first, remove influence of Whispering Dark and absorb its essence. *zorch* MOL! That hurts.

Lisa: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHGGGG.

Satnak: Now what do we do with a fallen paladin? That genocide trick hasn't worked in ages. I know full, hammer free, written and verbal apologies to each member of the crew you harmed, Mol, I'm sadistic.

Lisa: Yes ma'am.

Satnak: Get moving. (Lisa bolts) Now a warning, THE NEXT FRACKING DEITY OR DEITY-LIKE CREATURE THAT MANIFESTS ON THIS SHIP IS GONNA GET ZORCHED BIG TIME. THIS INCLUDES THE FRACKING HOST, PRIMEVAL FORCES BEYOND THE COMPREHENSION OF MORTALS, AND ANYTHING THAT GETS BETWEEN ME AND THE CLEAN TOILET. Cool Cthulhu, Cookies Now, and they better be good if you wanna live.

---

Cool Cthulhu: Hey man, no need to get physical; I'll get the peace pipe and pass it around a few times, and we'll all be friends again...

(Jarlot continues to stalk Cool Cthulhu)

Cool Cthulhu: It's in here underneath my bed... HEY! Someone stole my stash! Dammit! Who the hell did that?!

Lisa: Uh, is this a good time?

Squishy: Alright, Cool Cthulhu, people seem intent on killing you so we need to get you back to fighting form. One of my umberhulks will attack you, and you will defend yourself.

(The umberhulk punches Cool Cthulhu)

Squishy: Cool Cthulhu, defend yourself!

(The umberhulk punches Cool Cthulhu)

Squishy: Cool Cthulhu, defend yourself!

Cool Cthulhu: Bu-But there is no need for violence.

(The umberhulk punches Cool Cthulhu)

Cool Cthulhu: Please don't hurt me. (starts sobbing)

(The umberhulk punches Cool Cthulhu)

Cool Cthulhu: I'm warning you!

(umberhulk punch)

Cool Cthulhu: Stop!

(The umberhulk punches Cool Cthulhu)

Cool Cthulhu: Crush, maim, destroy, all life!

(The umberhulk punches Cool Cthulhu)(Consquently the umberhulk dies in a very messy way)

Squishy: Oh yeah, he's back!

---

(In Sa'vor's cell, Sa'vors currently hovering above the ground and Slip is undergoing some psionic training)

Slip: So, is the Whispering Dark dead?

Sa'vor: (opens one eye) Hardly, it's just lying low for the moment before it possesses Lisa and attacks.

Slip: So how do we kill it?

Sa'vor: We don't, I will have to knock her unconscious and trap it in a etheral net; then I'll banish it.

Slip: Have you told the crew this?

Sa'vor: No, for my plan to work no one must be able to know; since you don't exist it's okay and I've already taught you to shield your mind. And the Whispering Dark loves to delve into minds for the hell of it

Slip: So what about the Following Dark? Shouldn't it be working with the Whispering Dark?

Sa'vor: It is, it's currently riding within Cool Cthulhu, using him as a champion, I could tell since my new eyes allow me to see into many of the planes from here. Tell no one this, unless you wish to die a horrible death from a rushed attack by the two of them; followed by them soummoning thier friends.

Slip: So explain more about the Dark Symbols, what are they exactly?

Sa'vor: If I even spoke thier true name or even their species name I would summon the biggest and baddest into my body, where they would take over and use me to fullfil their desires.

Slip: Which would be?

Sa'vor: Alcohol, women, World Domination, the usual

---

(Later that night, Sa'vor paces restlessly across his cell floor, currently the black moon is in full and he feels the call of his old master Xull)

Xull: My fang, Why do you not seek to quench your first for slaughter? Do as I command, my greatest minion, my Apprentice, Quench your undying thirst with the blood of the crew, they have been a thorn in my side for too long.

Sa'vor: GET OUT OF MY HEAD! (clutches at his head) I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE! I SHALL NOT HUNT! I SHALL NOT DRINK OF BLOOD! I SHALL NOT BE YOUR TOOL! (smashes a mirror with his fist, the glass seems to flow around it, reforming with a symbol drawn in blood within it (a red eye with a fang through the middle) )

Xull: I gave you the greatest secret of magic that there has ever been and you do not repay your debt?

Sa'vor: My debt to you has been repayed in the blood of thousands! I destroyed your foes ! I killed the Bright wyrm! I partook of the Black scale ritual! I absorbed the shadow! I embraced the Vampiric nature of death and repayed my debt twice over!

Xull: I now want back what is mine, YOU! My greatest Fang, my claw and eye, my Servant of flesh!

Sa'vor: My power exeeds yours Xull! I am stronger! I shall not obey!

Xull: Fool! You will grow weaker every day you don't drink blood! And every time you do you give me power!

Sa'vor: I shall hold! (the voice vanishes, leaving Sa'vor alone in the dark)

---

(The next day, Sa'vor is on deck looking over the side of the ship, Slip appears next to him)

Slip: You don't look so well Sa'vor, perhaps you should eat.

Sa'vor: (pushes her away) Since when did you take interest in my health? The others don't, and we near the tomb every day, I feel it, but it keeps shifting position.

Slip: If you're ill you can't teach me, you can't get rid of the Dark Symbols, they'll capture you.

Sa'vor: All the worse for them. (Sa'vor turns to sand and goes below deck)

---

Jarlot: Well, at least Lisa's back to normal.

Slip: But what about Kithle's plot to become the Lord of all Illithids?

Jarlot: Now listen, every member of this crew is plotting world domination or something smaller, so why should I care?

Slip: Because he's the most evil of them!

Jarlot: I don't know, Sa'vor can be pretty evil, remember the whole Naz'roth Guantlet thing?

Slip: I do, but that was with Naz'roth inside him, he's not particularly evil at the moment, just weird and he pays the rent for the cells.

Jarlot: True but... I still think he'll betray Kithle and leave us all dying in the dirt.

Slip: Maybe, maybe not.

---

(Small pit fiend lands on deck)

Pit Fiend: Sup, biatches

Sa'vor: Naz'roth is that you?

Naz'roth: That's right, fool.

Sa'vor: I thought you were dead forever.

Naz'roth: So did I, but this dude offered to let me live in exchange for a lot of my power, and then made me a teenage demon again.

---

Satnak: (Telepathic private channel to Sa'vor) (What's this the damned critter snuck away from me, huh? And yes I can do the whole telepathy thing, my teacher said I would never need this power, said I should learn graft weapon instead. Well that's just ironic now that you think about it.)

Sneaks up on Cool Cthulhu and *MEGAZORCH*

BLOODY MOL, TELL ME I GOT THE BASTARD!!!

Cool Cthulhu: huuuuuuheeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaa.... thud (hits floor).

Satnak: The arm is burning, is it supposed to do that? OW! Hey I can feel the essence... ancient, dark, primordial, it's DYING!! It's really dying!!! OH HELL YES, I can feel its power being broken down and remade into my own. THIS BLOODY ROCKS, no possession, no surprise I got away, none of the normal immortal shenanigans. I grab 'em if they use possession and boom fricasseed deity. I wonder if they will harder if they use their own bodies?

---

Jarlot: Ketler, I need your help. I... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?

Ketler: Oh, sorry, I've just been diverting my portion of the treasure to refurbishing this Warforged Juggernaut.

Jarlot: Those things cost like a million gold!

Ketler: You guys have wasted the economies of nations on booze and women.

Jarlot: Only half of it! The rest of it we spent foolishly. Besides, that's no Juggernaut.

Ketler: Yeah, I call this new model... GUNDAM.

Jarlot: I'm sure I wrote down a rule somewhere you couldn't make this.

Ketler: I used a Sir Marks A Lot against that rule.

Jarlot: But yeah, I need you to go build me a machine to go exorcise the monsters in everybody.

Ketler: What do I look like? Ghostbusters?

Jarlot: You kinda resemble Egon, yeah.

Ketler: Fair enough. Over on the table. Only I haven't built any traps yet. Only chance to contain the spirit is to cross the streams and hope that we roll a 20 which will cause a subspacial rift to happen.

Jarlot: What's 1 through 19?

Ketler: Some hideously huge explosion.

Jarlot: *powers up Atomic Fission Khyber Shard powered device* Are these things safe to point at people to get the demons out?

Ketler: Hell no!

Jarlot: Even better!

Satnak: Hey that's my job, go back to hunting Cool Cthulhu. I can guarantee he is free of any possession he acquired since the current story arc.

---

"MUAHAHAHAHA!!! It's completed! My finest creation, Gear! General-Purpose Elemental-Powered Assault Robot! Now to stick it away in this corner along with all of my other finest creations until it is needed." Allen says, having finished work on the Gear, that looks like a Gundam-ish mecha. He then pushes it away into a corner of the room that contains several other machines, ranging in size and function.

Jarlot: Read the fracking list, you Twerps.. no god ****ing gundams.

(Currently Allen is being Holy Water Liquid Keelhauled)

Sa'vor: Wow, I never thought he'd last this long.

Slip: You have a low opinion of your vampire brethren.

Sa'vor: They explode in sunlight, how stupid is that for a design?

Slip: I don't think anyone...

Naz'roth: Nah fool, everone is knowin that Naz'roth is lord of vampires init?

Sa'vor: Indeed.

Naz'roth: You dissin' me?

Sa'vor: No, and what are you wearing?

Naz'roth: I is wearin my bling!

Sa'vor: That's tinfoil molded as a necklace with a Large Capital "N" on it.

Naz'roth: You cant diss me, you little vampire, I is your prodinator, you should show some respect!

Sa'vor: Right... (Backs away slowly, staggers slightly, his skin going even paler, quickly he pulls himself up )

Slip: You still haven't fed?

Sa'vor: Blood wine is particularly dangerous to Vampires

Slip: So ? Just make an antidote

Sa'vor: I could, but it would take rare ingredients that I don't have time to find

Naz'roth: Init!

Sa'vor: (gazes over his shoulder at Naz'roth) If you insist on staying on this ship then you're not staying in my cell, find your own, go live with Cool Cthulhu, he's been complaining that he hasn't got any company.

Naz'roth: Aw, I wanted to share a room with you, be just like old times, we could go drinking and talk about women, init

Sa'vor: (Raises one eybrow) We never did that anyway, we just burned down buildings and sought a way to make you powerful again.

Naz'roth: Init

Sa'vor: Well, I'm off, got to go and sleep (blood walks through Slip)

Slip: That was rude

Naz'roth: Aye, init

---

Jarlot: ( over intercom system) All Extraplanar beings are to dwell in the cargo hold with the remaining sentient chili

Slip: That's just cruel

Jarlot: I dont make the rules, I just enforce them

Slip: You can't use that excuse! You've made every rule on the list!

Jarlot: Oh yeah... that

---

(That night in Sa'vor's Cell, The Whispering Dark has sent its champion to attack him as he sleeps)

Sa'vor: (murmering in his sleep) Can't... fight .... must ... drink... blood... must ... SLUAGHTER! (Awakes, his eyes once again Pools of Violet flame, his Vampiric fangs Elongate and his claws extend)

Lisa: FOR THE WHISPERING DARK!

(Sa'vor, in a now feral form, moves like lightning and slits her throat with his claws. Leaving her in a pool of blood he proceeds to hunt)

Satnak: Dammit, what's wrong with you people, Can't you stay unpossessed long enough for me to get a decent nap?. Well here we go *OMGWHATAZORCH* BLOODY MOL, THAT HURTS.

Lisa: ...

Satnak: MICKEY, GET YOUR DRUNK ARSE DOWN HERE AND HEAL PALADIN... BLACKGUARD... WHATEVER SHE IS RIGHT NOW. Now to deal with our dragon problem.

---

Kanatash appears out of thin air inside Kithle's room.

Kithle: (waking from his sleep) How did you get in here?! I have some of the strongest wards known to Illithid-kind on this room!

Kanatash: Yes you do, and if it makes you feel better I can tell you that it was a real pain to get in here. I wouldn't come in except I needed to tell you that Sa'vor has gone on a killing spree.

Kithle: (raises his eyebrow) Really?

Kanatash: Hey, I had nothing to do with this one. It's all Sa'vor here, something about his vampiric nature and bloodlust. He's already killed Lisa when the Whispering Dark tried to assassinate him and Satnak had to exorcise the Whispering Dark again.

Lisa: (appearing in a swirling pool of shadow) Not quite.

Kanatash: Interesting. It appears that the Whispering Dark possesses the ability to reanimate its champion. Oh well, no matter. (psionically entombs Lisa in ectoplasmic cocoon)

Kithle: So the Whispering Dark has made its move. Any news on the Following Dark?

Naz'roth: (from outside the room) FASHIZZAL MA NIZZLE! AHHHHHHH, HOMIE!

Kanatash: Well, since Naz'roth was bunking in Cool Cthulhu's room I'd say to safe to say that it's on the move. Now where were we?

Kithle: Trying to figure out how to stop a blood-mad vampire. I'm sure he's gotten to the redshirts by now, but if its as bad as it sounds I don't think we have enough redshirts to sate him even with the cloning machine. We need to acquire a massive amount of blood from somewhere.

Kanatash: Actually now that you say that I have an idea. We're going to need to find a couple of sacrifices, I mean redshirts first though.

---

Not long afterwards Kanatash is using several redshirts paint a summoning circle on the deck using the blood of several other redshirts.

Kithle: So what do you plan to do?

Kanatash: I’m going to summon a blood elemental.

Kithle: Blood elemental? I’ve never heard of them.

Kanatash: Few have. They hail from what mortals would call the elemental plane of blood, a subsidiary of sorts of Xoriat. They are alien and evil creatures and the term elemental is a bit of a misnomer. Their minds are strange even by the standards of the deranged lords, no mortal has ever been able to control one and few children of Xoriat are up to the task either.

Kithle: And you came into all this information how?

Kanatash: Well, during the five centuries I spent in Xoriat, I visited many places, and let me just say the elemental plane of blood is tropical paradise compared to some of them. Anyway, I believe the circle is almost done so I must conclude question and answer time.

As the redshirts complete the circle Kanatash telekintically grabs them and tears their hearts from their bodies. The still beating hearts are placed at the points of the circle and begin to glow. Finally a glowing tear forms between the hearts and a creature steps through. It resembles a water elemental except it is composed entirely of red, viscous blood and its form undulates, sometimes taking obscene shapes a mortal mind could not conceive.

Kithle: Okay, then we still need to find Sa’vor.

Kanatash: That shouldn’t be an issue. All this fresh blood should draw him like a moth to a flame.

As if on cue, Sa’vor comes out of nowhere, pouncing towards the blood elemental.

Kanatash: You may want to take cover.

Kithle: Why? Can’t you control that thing or something?

Kanatsh: Oh, I can control it… (Sa’vor tears into the blood elemental and is absorbed into its form as a wave of blood is sent spurting into the air, drenching Kithle and passing through Kanatash) …but it may be a little messy.

Kithle: (wiping the blood from his tentacles) You don’t say.

Sa’vor: (rising from the bloody pool that is all that remains of the blood elemental, aparently sated and in control) What happened?

Kanatash: You succumbed to your bloodlust and went on a killing spree of sorts. Now come with me, it’s time we did something about the Whispering and Following Darks and we’re going to need Satnak.

---

Soon in Satnak’s room…

Satnak: Why are they still possessed? (holding up her arm) I’ve blasted both this thing.

Kithle: That is a powerful weapon you have there, but it lacks the precision to eliminate a possessing spirit without taking the host's spirit as well. Those blasts simply suppressed the Dark’s influence. We need to drive them from their hosts and then have you blast them into oblivion.

Satnak: So why don’t I just keep blasting them so they stay suppressed?

Sa’vor: Are you saying you have no problem with allowing two creatures of ultimate evil to live on this ship indefinitely. (pauses) On second thought let me rephrase that. You have no problems with letting creatures with no qualms about killing us… oh wait… One more try, creatures that are controlling two of the crew… ****! Fine, if we do it Kithle’s way you will get to absorb them and add to the arm’s power.

Satnak: Good enough for me. So how do we drive them out, standard exorcism gear?

Kithle: Not quite. Those creatures are too powerful for that. However possessing their hosts with an even more evil force should do the trick.

Satnak: Something even more evil? Like what?

Kanatash: (cracking knuckles) This is the kind of thing I live for.

---

Shortly after Kithle, Kanatash, Sa’vor, Satnak, and all other crew member that can still stand are on the main deck facing off against Lisa and Cool Cthulhu.

Lisa: Face it, mortals. You stand no chance against our power.

Kanatash: (appearing behind Lisa) Well, I’m not a mortal, deal with it. (Dives into Lisa’s form as she begins to twitch uncontrollably)

Cool Cthulhu: You have only delayed your doom. You cannot stop both of us.

A second Kanatash appears behind Cool Cthulhu.

Kanatash: The best thing about me, is there’s so many of me. Me, me, me. (dives into Cool Cthulhu)

Cool Cthulhu: (suddenly going stiff) Me too.

Lisa and Cool Cthulhu fall limp to the floor and two new figures rise from their bodies. One appears like a little girl with a shadowed face and an open mouth which seems to descend into infinite darkness. The other appears to be a small boy with long claw-like nails, pointed teeth, and a forked tongue.

Whispering Dark: You may have forced us from our champions but you cannot defeat us so easily. Your souls shall be ours.

Kithle: Are you joking? We have some of most powerful individuals from Eberron and beyond on this crew and a weapon that can slay deities.

Following Dark: True, we cannot defeat you alone but we have sent out the call for our fellows. You may defeat some of us but you will be overcome sooner or later. (a glowing sigil starts to appear behind the crew) THEY COME!

The symbol grows to become a circle and inside the circle appears a flower shaped design. The flowers grow to cover the entire wall and change into a variety of gaudy colors.

Whispering Dark: (slapping her face) Oh, by the shadow not him!

Following Dark: This is so embarrassing.

The flowers coalesce into a little boy who begins running around everyone like a 8-year-old on a sugar rush, under a haste spell.

Following Dark: It’s our little cousin, Floral Dark.

Whispering dark: He’s… Well…

Floral Dark: Heywhatsthis?Ohhhhhhhhabigweaponarmthingy. That’scoolIwonderwhatitdoes. HeylookwhatIdidwithmysymbol!Isn’titcoooooool. CanIplaywithyoursymbolsnow? Wowanelemental, IwantanelementalIwantanelementalIwantanelementalIwan tanelementalIwantanelemental. I’llsummononethen(a fire elemental appears from thin air)Yeah, elementalplaywithmeplaywithmepl aywithme. I’mborednow. Iwanttoplaywithsomethingelse!

Whispering Dark: Yeah…

Following Dark: (exasperated) Why couldn’t it be anyone else?

Kithle: I think I have an idea which would be mutually beneficial. How about you go back to whereever the **** you came from and stop bothering us. In return we make sure he’s never heard from again. (Kithle gestures towards Floral Dark and Satnak cocks her arm)

Whispering Dark: (Looking pleadingly) Would you.

Following Dark: If you can, deal.

Kithle: Of course, Satnak, my dear?

Satnak takes careful aim and catches Floral Dark in midstride with a blast of energy.

Floral Dark: Oooooooh, prettycolors. Ilikeprettycolors, shinyshinyshiny. Lotsofprettyco (cuts off suddenly as Floral Dark is drawn into Satnak’s arm)

Satnak: I feel somehow violated by this.

Whispering Dark: You have our gratitude. We will leave you now and we shall not return.

Following Dark: However, we cannot make any promises on the behalf of our siblings, though I doubt many of them will be interested in you now. Adieu. (both step backwards into the shadow and fade from sight)

---

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