Forgotten Freedom:2.1
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In a Tavern on an island off the Coast of Xen'drick
Cyrus Rose: SNOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Waitress:Sir, there's a letter for you. And you're sleeping in your soup.
Cyrus Rose: No, I'm drunk. There's a difference. Hand it over toots.
Waitress: Thank you sir. Hopefully it'll contain the million gold piece inheritance you conned my father into believing you had in order to stay here when you're obviously a penniless bard.
Cyrus Rose: Oh, I see....this is a race issue isn't it?
Waitress: ...Pardon?
Cyrus Rose: It's because I'm a half elf. You don't like to serve MY kind here do you.
Waitress: No it's not that. It's....
Cyrus Rose: I see, liberal bar maid refuses to serve or sleep with the half-elf bard because she hates the half-elf.
Waitress: Sleep with you!?
Cyrus Rose: Half-Elves are GOOD enough for you are they?
Waitress: No, no of course not...I mean that's not the case. Oh fine, what time!
Cyrus Rose: After dinner.
- Snatches the letter*
Waitress: *trots off*
Cyrus Rose: I wonder how long it'll take her to realize she's an elf. Hopefully it'll happen the morning after. It'll save me some break up time. Let's see what this is, probably another bill.
Dearest Nephew....
Cyrus Rose: I have an uncle?
Yes, you have an Uncle
Cyrus Rose: Good to know.
I have decided to leave my ship and it's crew to you due to the fact I'm currently retired with all of their funds on a tropical island with many beautiful women. Also, this island has no extradition treaties with any other country on the world.
Cyrus Rose: Lucky son of a...
Yes, I am. In any case, the crew are a lazy bunch of good for nothings so you'll fit right in.
Cyrus Rose: Not interested.
Many are attractive women
Cyrus Rose: I'm interested.
I thought you would be. In any case, you will be required to be drunk, steal, and womanize the entire way through. The crew will be docking and this document enclosed will reveal that you are the new Captain
Cyrus Rose: Splendid.
Your welcome.
Sincerely yours,
Former Captain Jarlot of the Forgotten Freedom
Cyrus Rose: This is your way of kicking me off the island isn't it Uncle?
- next table over*
Jarlot: *surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women* Yes, I'm afraid it is. We took a vote. In any case, here's a list of things you're forbidden from doing.
- hands over a rather lengthy list*
Cyrus Rose: Oh brother.
Bard|Things the Party Bard is Forbidden from Doing
A lone halfing is sitting at a large drawing table in a laboratory, working on a some project or another. He looks up at the "camera."
Halfing: Hello, I'm Liam d'Ghallandha, resident student and only passenger of the Forgotten Freedom.
Audience Voices: Hello, Liam!
Liam: You may ask why someone would willingly become a passenger on the Forgotten Freedom, and that's what I'm here to tell you. For my doctorate degree, I wondered if there was some way to actually make the Forgotten Freedom's general insanity useful to the rest of Khorvaire. So, I came aboard and started studying the crew and the ship itself. My research resulted in the creation of this, the Weirsan Converter.
Liam points to a rather large device, covered in dials, blinky lights, levers, buttons, and the like.
Liam: This device converts the weirdness and insanity of the ship into usable energy, and transmits it to various devices, such as this.
Liam holds up a small cue, about two inches on a side, with a whole through the middle.
Liam: This is a Weirsan Reciever. Once the design is perfected, these will be marketed across the continent, as an aid to adventurers everywhere. Power Subscription fees will apply, of course. Until then, I'll continue working on various other items powered by Weirsan Energy. Goodbye!
Liam waves as the camera pans out and fades to black.
OOCrystalforged: Ah, got to love that new thread smell. Or at least I can since I don't have any major plots to move over. By the way do any of you want to place bets on whether the new boards actually work this time? What would the odds on that be anyways? 10:1? 100:1? Now then for any body who's new to the tread, I'm responsible for some of the most sanity destroying posts on the old thread and probably one of the craziest of the veteren posters. That's saying something too considering most of them should be institutionalized and I'm only half kidding when I say that. My main character is Kanatash, a psychotic, psionic menace to the sanity of all. For more on him just check the wiki.
Kanatash: (rolling his eyes) Done padding your ego there?
OOCrystalforged: I should also mention since no one else has yet that the fourth wall between the creators and the creations has been thoroughly broken with the posters, which are refered to as entities from beyond non-existance (E.B.N.E), inserting themselves in the story as I am now.
Kanatash: Tell them about me! Quit ignoring me!
OOCrystalforged: While I'm at it since I don't explain it very well in the wiki I'll mention that Kanatash has taken on a life of his own and is now one of the voices in my head. Whether I'm pulling your leg on this is for you to decide however Kanatash has, at least partly, joined the ranks of the entities and even has his own Log In.
Kanatash: And now that he has finished stroking MY ego, we bid you adue.
OOCrystalforged: Happy posting, and remember, sanity is completely optional.
OOCypher: Um... Optional? Yea right. Don't listen to him. INsanity is manditory.
OOKanatash: Yeah, what the :censored: you thinking? Sanity is not an option.
Introduction to the Ship
Rose: A brief introduction for everyone to this ship and it's crew from Moi. The Captain. I am Captain Rose Galan, third Captain of the Forgotten Freedom. The original Captains slowly had their Senator driven away in a manner not disimilar to Captain Murphy of Sealab 2021. If you wonder how we, characters from the Renassiance setting of Eberron know about Sealab, that brings me to our ship's artificer Ketler.
Ketler: Howdy!
Rose: Ketler is Khovaire's best artificer and because of this is quite capable of building machines that reach across the Demiplane of Shadow to pick up signals from the planet Earth. This is why that there are frequent pop culture references from the otherwise fantastic characters onboard this ship.
Ketler: My favorite anime is Evangelion and Gundam and...mphhh mphh mphhh....
- Rose has his hand on Ketler's mouth*
Rose: The Forgotten Freedom is the only known airship of sky-pirates currently active in Khovaire and is roughly the most wanted ship in all of Eberron. The ship has engaged in numerous acts of mass destruction and ill will to the point that most Navies are forbidden from actually trying to engage it in battle. Ironically, the crew has saved Eberron several times from destruction.
The Dreaming Dark: And I would have gotten away with it too if not for those meddling kids and their shifter catgirl.
Rose: The Forgotten Freedom herself is a former Lyrander airship that has been merged with the remains of a plane walking Shelvaresh Ship of Chaos like those found in the Great Wheel. This is one of the reasons that it draws so many strange and unruly customers. The ship has developed a life of its own and can only be controlled by a Captain of the strongest will.
Ketler: Oh, is that why we can't control anything.
Rose: Shut up.
Ketler: Shutting up sir.
Rose: The Forgotten Freedom is transdimensional due to its ship of Chaos parts and as such, every crewmember has his own quarters tailored to his liking. The interior of the ship is difficult to judge as its constantly changing and opening up random portals to bizarre locations. This is the source of the ship's crew in many cases. Can you explain a bit more about our inner workings, Ship's Wizard Andrea?
A Class room where the naughty witch-schoolgirl's outfit wearing necromancer Andrea has a gradate's cap on her head and a pointer for the chalkboard
Andrea D'Glycine: The ship is powered not by standard elemental rings but actually a series of bound elementals, demons, and devils that allow the ship to move through a wide variety of environments. The ship has an unusually strong link to Xoriat sadly and thus the majority of crew drawn to the ship are chaotic and evil. Which is a good thing because the "Named Crew" tends to horribly abuse these so-called "Red Shirts" and often lead them to their death.
--- Rose: So, if a crew member does this...
- Rose pulls out a stick of smokepowder in a bunch of sawdust, lights it and puts it in a Redshirts pants before kicking him over the side to a sickening explosion sound*
Rose: The victim probably murdered kittens and ate small children in his spare time.
Marish: Get to the good part!
Rose: This is our ships whor...
Marish: They call us COMPANIONS on Firefly.
Rose: Our ship's companion Marish, a shifter that has been blessed with softened features that she's more cute than terrifying.
Marish: Meow.
Rose: In any case, the ship is indirectly the cause of numerous disasters in the Five Nations with Aundair's Queen Aurala specifically hating us most of all. It's several years down the timeline from the main campaign setting and the Pontiff Jaela has been known to show up as a quasi-mascott of the ship, now a lady of eighteen.
Marish: She's become a magical girl!
Rose: And finally, we have our spiritual advisor onboard in Saint Michael.
Saint Michael: *waves cudgel* Frankly, I'm alittle tired of all this SINNING going on.
Rose: Uh...huh. Saint Michael is a disciple from the interdimensional correspondence course of Saint Cuthbert School of Religion and also a cleric of Dol Arrah. A former Blackguard, Saint Michael has a lot of sins to make up for and his goal is to beat it out of us. To that end, he's recruited an Archon sidekick named Cluebat-iel
Cluebatiel: I SENSE NAUGHTY THOUGHTS FROM YOU!
Ketler: Wait I...
- Cluebatiel hits Ketler in the head with a giant Mallet*
Saint Michael: Remember, the Kingpriest's word is law.
Ketler: What!?
Rose: I should also mention Saint Cuthbert's school of religion brainwashes an individual worse than Scientology. Michael has almost no understanding of the religion of Dol Arrah and is operating from his memories of Touched by an Angel, Miami Vice, and whatever he can get from Faiths and Pantheons until Keith Baker releases the Eberron religion guide. Until that point, he's mostly making it up as he goes along.
Pholly: Season two, huh? Do we at least get a raise?
Mickey: I did. I also got a note from someone to 'keep the healing coming'.
Hoybee: I got a raise, I think. I got a monocole. I can half way see.
Devon: I got a coupon for a free guitar lesson in Sharn. Whos the wiseass who thought this would be a raise?
Pholly: I didnt get a raise? Whats going on here. Im important to the crew as well. Okay, kind of important.
Mickey: Oh, I see whats up. On your pay stub here, it says you did get a raise, but its going to make repairs to the ship. Something about 'structural integrity' and 'back up to code'. Wow Youre getting royally hosed, man.
Devon: Guitar lessons? How many women am I going to impress with a damn coupon?
Hoybee: I would guess one more than youve impressed with your poetry.
Devon: Watch it, Beardy. Everyone knows that art is unappreciated in its time. History will vindicate me.
Pholly: Or deny you ever existed.....
Devon: philistines. :-p
OOcat: *grumble* Anyway, I'm SilvercatMoonpaw. Whoops, had my cool voice on there. (fiddles with mental controls)
I'm responsable for…………well, I have no idea. Commentary MST3K style, maybe. Is there anyone out there that can tell me what it is I do?
Unlike the majority of people out there in the world, I am actually somewhat sane. Of course, to all those other people I seem like a complete wack-job, but that's just because they don't scrutinize the world as closely as I do. As a result I am free from rules lawyers and grammar nazis, but am completely incapable of holding up a plotline. I don't even try anymore.
I do three groups of characters (they are all on the wiki to varying degrees):
—Commentators:
——Silver, Bunny, and 13 do not exist. They can be interacted with, but they do not exist. This means that they are immune to everything and anything and all rules except that they usually follow the one they have for themselves which tells them not to do anything useful. Silver is a god (female) of fertility (well, mostly that "fun" bit ) who is completely in tune with how laughable to whole process is and actively encourages it. Bunny is a god (male personality) of death—and as such deplores any amount of uncreative violence (that doesn't lead to death)—who's hobby is pulling off the wackiest deaths possible. 13 has recently become a god (gender neutral) of all those little things that make you aware that you are alive and that death might not be quite so bad after all.
——Igor is Igor. Nothing can shake him from being the best servant ever. If you name a weird or coolly evil person in the history of Eberron, he's served them. Igor hasn't been seen in a while, maybe because Jarlot has left the ship.
—Caralot:
——Caralot is a mad scientist beyond the raging storm and out into that nice little calm lagoon on the other side. She seems perfectly normal, until she starts going on about all the different possible mating combinations there are and how she hasn't tried all of them yet. It's no wonder, then, that she's hooked up with resident psycho Kantash. The most interesting thing about Caralot's fascination is that she does all this in the hope of coming out with a creature so abberrant that it's cute.
—The Bar (Erk's Place, named by poster vote): The FF's resident multi-dimensional access point and watering hole, Erk's Place opperates under the principle that bars are a universal place for weird people to end up in. It was begun by a small group of the Lesser-Used crew, but is now under the direction of Erk, a minotaur bonded to an odd god who values smarts over brute power.
Bunny: Long winded again.
OOcat: :-p
OOLord Kale Fangblade
Greetings. *bows theatrically* I am Lord Kale Fangblade. and i at least attempt to try and not break the fourth wall as often as the others. but at the moment its been broken so often its not really a wall anymore... Anyway. Here’s my current characters.
Sa'vor : ( Wiki link: http://wiki.rpg.net/index.php/Forgotten_Freedom:Savor ) Sa’vor is a living death machine, trained on the battle fields of the last war, Shavarath and the battles the crew has got into. Sa’vor is smart. Though prone to mistakes when he lets his emotions get the better of him. ( or I haven’t had much sleep when I post) . Sa’vor is responsible for creating Half-Dragons as a race of their own. And commands a legion of them.
Naz’roth: ( http://wiki.rpg.net/index.php/Forgotten_Freedom:Naz%27roth ) Ex- Angel from Syrania, Naz’roth was falsely accused of using dark magic. Having turned his back on the light and embracing the evil within him Naz’roth Became a Daemon Lord. Naz’roth cannot be Permanently killed with any weapon (or magic) other than one wielded in his twin brothers hand. Naz’roth is legendary for his skill at item creation. An item made by him has almost no match anywhere else in this universe. Currently commands a legion of Devils (and a few demons) within Sa’vors citadel dimension.
Tara: ( http://wiki.rpg.net/index.php/Forgotten_Freedom:Tara ) Another resident Necromancer, Tara is a Student of Naz’roths. Tara can often be found on deck. That or within the deep depths of Sa’vors Citadel dimension. ( currently commands a part of Sa’vors Legions)
Feal-Thas : Feal-Thas is Sa’vors created son. In ways he mirrors Sa’vor, this being his brutal and efficient combat style. Unlike Sa’vor Feal-Thas prefers to master his combat skill rather than his magical abilities. Feal-Thas is a first generation Half-Dragon which means he has been trained under the brutal efficiency of Naz’roth and Sa’vors Training and an adept commander. ( Commands another part of Sa’vors Legions)
While The Captain is trying to cure his blinding headache with the world's oldest remedy (no, that's NOT Marish...), that is, by drinking the most potent beverage he could find, a human enters the bar. He is dressed in black leathers and wearing a sword at his side. His red eyes seem to be slightly glowing.
"Good morning, captain!"
"GOOD morning? Damn, my head hurts like hell... Who the hell are you, anyway?"
"I'm your new advisor, Aurixirthos. I've heard about the Forgotten Freedom's mission of pillage, plunder, unchecked (and completely unnecessary) destruction and the other fun, so I decided to join."
"Fine, and why should I want you in my crew?"
"If I may demonstrate..."
Aurixirthos looks at a bunch of redshirts who have made the mistake of passing by and exhales a gust of flames. The aroma of roasted meat fills the air.
Aurixirthos: My bad. Won't happen again, Erk.
And Lucky, a friend of mine is writing a book with all his recipes in it: "Roasted Virgin sweet-sour", "Silver Knight with baked potatoes" and so on. Shall I put you in touch with him?
Satnak - Its a brand new day for us.
Serene - Yes it is
Chalky - Another one!
Narrator - Help meeeeeeee!
Fluffy - Meow
Kithle - OK who's first on my list.
I am Urial Angel of Death my characters are...
Squishy- The ship's resident neogi treasurer and a greedy bastard.
Volrath- The insane godling that takes care of the various aberrations wandering the lowwer decks.
Hannibal- a Lictor that I may or may not use.
Thing- Volrath's tentacle whip. Has only been mentioned once and feels lonely. I think he needs to be used. He was originally a crawling guantlet if that helps you understand the name.
Anti-Terrek- A character I am thinking about making. His name should be pretty self explanatory. (He would in no way be a serious character)
13: Jaela Jarlot is. Let's focus here, people. We now have three Jaelas:
- Ninja Jaela #26: waitress at Erk's place, bouncer for anime types
- Sakura Jaela: daughter of captain Jarlot, this Eberron's Jaela Darran
- Jaela Jarlot: Alt-Jaela from a time hiccup, likes freaky photography
From now on Sakura Jaela is either Sakura or SJ, Ninja Jaela #26 has always been NJ26, and Jaela Jarlot is JJ. Reply With Quote
Pholly: (entering the captains quarters) Hey, cap! Great news!
Kanatash: (floating in next to pholly) Yes, you should be pleased. Dooj just "bought" us an insane amount of alcohol.
Both Pholly and Kanatash pause, suddenly appreciating the bizzare sight before them.
Kanatash: Are you defecating into a cantaloupe?
Rose: (lifting a lampshade off head) Uh... this is awkward. I guess if I waitedn an hour, I coulda blamed it on the booze.
Kanatash: (floating out of the room) Freak...
Party Favors all about and streamers acorss the ship
Rose: As a note, I remind you, what happens in the Captain's quarters STAYS in the Captain's quarters.
Doog: Fruity freak!
Rose: For that very reason.
Doog: You fruitf...
- Rose cuts one of the ropes on the mast and a chandelier hits Doog*
Satnak: Why are there chandeliers above us?
Rose: So I can cut ropes to drop them on you. Its all in the Eroll Flynn handbook. In any case, this is the WELCOME HOME PARTY for Lisa and Terra, our two lovebirds.
Doog: Right, the girls whom royally frelled up Michael so much he had to flee to the church to recover a semblance of sanity.
Saint Michael: I am at peace now with my brother man. I have invited the entire board of directors of the Disney entertainment complex to be spoken to of the virtues of Dol Arrah by Cluebatiel my cherubic girl-angel sidekick.
- Sounds of screaming and fireballs with flaming swords from inside*
Saint Michael: I got the idea from Dogma.
Rose: Uh huh.
Saint Michael: In no way, am I tormented by dreams of Sister Lisa's LUSCIOUS LIPS, her gorgeous bossom, her....*starts to drool*
Cluebatiel: NO MASTER! AWAY FROM THE LUSTFUL THOUGHTS!
- The little Angel girl drags him away for whipping*
Rose: That's possibly the second most disturbing thing I've witnessed today.
Ketler: What was the first?
Rose: Finding King Boranal alive and with Merrix D'Cannith in bed all this time in the hold.
Ketler:...that would qualify.
Rose: In any case, the following ground rules...
Ketler: Like?
Rose: Lisa is not to be informed she's actually already married to some prince or princess...Eberron is an enlightened state...as part of the Treaty of Thronehold. I've got a lot of money riding on war profiteering.
Ketler: Damnit!
Rose: Two, Terra isn't to be informed we destroyed her entire stock of pipeweed and smoked it all in one sitting. Or that after we smoked all the pipeweed, we ate all of her animal friends because we were hungry. Just blame it all on Doog.
Doog: HEY! WHY BLAME THE HALF-ORC?
Rose: Beause I'm pointy eared and you're pig nosed.
Doog: Ah, the RACE card again.
Rose: Three, don't inform Lisa she's got an identical twin sister whose become a blackguard and is killing off crew one at a time on board.
Ketler: Wait, when did this happen?
Rose: Oh right, I wasn't going to tell you this either.
Pholly: So Terra and Lisa are coming back?
Hoybee: Aye, t'would seem. It'll be good to see those two again.
Mickey: Hoybee, I dont think youve even seen em once.
Hoybee: Sure I did. I was at the weddin' after all. There was a black 'n white blur marying a silver blur. It was beautiful. I think...
Devon bolts into the room.
Devon: Hey guys, check this out! I used that coupon for the guitar lesson.
Devon plays an interesting tune, and for once, reality doesnt warp, neither does a dalkyr appear and tell him to stop :censored: -ing up the Spacetime Continuum.
Marish (passing by) Meow! Very nice. My cabin, 8 pm. Dont be late. (she winks at Devon and keeps walking)
Hoybee, Pholly, Mickey: :OMG!
Devon: *looking pretty damn smug* Well, guys. Ill see you later. I need to go get ready for a date. *exits the room*
Mickey: Holy :censored: I think we've seen one of the signs of the Apocalypse.
Hoybee: Which one? Devon getting a date, or Devon actually playing a good tune.
Pholly: I think both qualify as a sign.
Satnak - I don't think you ever got to meet Terra, and Lisa.
Serene - Oh they stopped by Dad's place during the honey moon.
Satnak - Oh. Did they say if they swung by the island? the paperwork involved is ridiculous so if I start now I can have the worst of it done before hand.
Serene - No they didn't mention it. Your gonna have to take me there someday.
Satnak - I want to let things calm down a bit first. Between that fiasco the other day, and the general chaos well...
Serene - Ok silly girl, but I won't forget.
Satnak - :yawn:
Captain Rose: I'm hardly trying to make them break their wedding vows. No, I've had enough of that after the reprocussions of breaking up the marriage of King Karrnath to his elven wife.
Saint Michael: How did thou doest this?
Captain Rose: Why are you speaking like The Mighty Thor?
Saint Michael: Clerics can't spill blood so I'm wielding a warhammer.
Captain Rose: Maces usually spill lots of blood.
Saint Michael: SHHHHH.
Captain Rose: In any case, when the vampire's wife gave birth to me, it was a pretty big clue I think that their marriage was over.
Ketler: You could be half vampire.
Saint Michael: *TURN UNDEAD*
Captain Rose: You're trying to turn me with a Necronomicron.
Saint Michael: You guys don't use that?
Captain Rose: No.
Saint Michael: How about chains, torture implements, inverted pentagrams, or demonic icons.
Captain Rose: This switch from being a blackguard must be painful.
Saint Michael: I have Cluebatiel to keep me from naughty thoughts. I'm mostly clean except when I think about Lisa.
(WHAM)
Saint Michael: She uses Lisa's....
(WHAM)
Saint Michael: Old hammer to beat me. The mace that heals when it strikes so you don't actually harm anyone when you're beating the crap out of them.
Captain Rose: Uh huh. I've been married five times.
Saint Michael: What happened?
Captain Rose: The Princess keeps realizing I'm a dirty, dirty, half-elf and leaving me. I'm apparently an addiction for her. She's taken twelve steps to get over me.
Saint Michael: Well we've had a bunch of romances end in tragedy. Only Lisa...
(WHAM)
Saint Michael: And Terra have survived.
Captain Rose: Yeah, in Jarlot and Aerith's case, he's still trying to commune with her spirit. Guy needs a girlfriend.
Doog: Well me and Ishmael Junior are still together.
Ishmael Junior: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. What happens in the Eldeen Reaches, stays in the Eldeen Reaches.
Doog: Friend, a poster over your wall of the Eldeen Reaches doesn't count.
Saint Michael: When did Ishmael become a named character?
Captain Rose: Hell if I know, all I know is one day he got the EXP and became a Ranger.
Doog: I wonder if we'll see any new characters since so many old ones have died.
Aerith: I'm just regenerating or did everyone forget that Devas are frickin IMMORTAL in Eberron?
SHHHHH. Remove all the drama from your death!?
Aerith: That's what the FF7 crew said when they removed my ressurection scene!
Liam is sitting at his desk, working on a new invention.
Liam: It's no use! I can't think of anything. The Riven went home with Tormos, so I can't study that. I want a break from Weirsan, because I think I'm starting to get some adverse effects. I don't know what to do!
OOGladius walks in with an armload of Duct Tape in all different colors, and drops it on Liam's desk.
Liam: Two questions. What's with the Duct Tape, and why did you walk instead of poof?
OOGladius: I walked because I was carrying a heavy load, and the Duct Tape is for your next project.
Liam: What, am I going to mass-produce Duct Tape wallets?
OOGladius: Nope. You're making a Duct Tape Golem!
Liam: That just may be the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
OOGladius: Fine! If you don't want my idea, think of your own.
OOGladius disappears with his *poof*.
Liam: I just ****ed off my own entity. That wasn't smart. :censored:
Captain Rose: And by the way, I'd like to point out if I'm any Drawn Together character it's not the pig.
Doog: You'd prefer to be Xandirr?
Captain Rose: Listen, we don't speak of my brother at the house very often. Not since, you know...I don't mean to sound prejudiced. But not since he decided to become a Wii system character.
Doog: Wait, he's your brother?
Captain Rose: Well Jarlot, me, Xandirr, Cloud, Squall Lionheart, LINK the guy who took credit for ALL of my adventures, Tidus, and Fighter from 8-bit are all from the same family to be perfectly honest.
Doog: Holy crazzap.
Captain Rose: Ignore how this totally contradicts any other background I have.
Doog: It'll cost you five Rupiees.
Captain Rose: Oh FINE, take it and die. They're everywhere in Hyrule anyway. Not that bling ever won me the heart of the woman I loved anyway. Stuck up snobby self-styled racist Eowyn-Arwen combination rip off.
Elsewhere on Eberron
Princess Zella of Valenar: I have the oddest impression that a dirty, dirty, dirty half-elf is talking about me somewhere.
Aurixirthos: You'd really like to know, wouldn't you, Chalky? Let's just say I'm NOT interested in Jaela - if any of you wierdos got your hands on her. In that case she won't qualify anymore...
Suddenly red lights go on and Captain Rose's voice can be heard everywhere on the ship.
Captain Rose: Red Alert! Red Alert! Incoming Dragon! Brace for impact!
While everyone runs to his station, Kanatash listens in to the dragon's thoughts.
Blue Great Wyrm: Where the heck is he? I'm sure my divinations have shown me this ship... What's this? PUNY HUMAN!!! WHO ARE YOU TO DARE INVADE MY MIND? I WILL CRUSH YOU!!!
Kanatash: I'm Kanatash, servant of powers greater than even you can imagine. And I will crush YOU - or more to the point: Your mind!
Blue Great Wyrm: Try it. Wait a second, did you just think "Kanatash"? This is the Forgotten Freedom?
Meanwhile, on the bridge.
Captain Rose: Lieutenant, prepare photon torpedoes! And give me the status of our shields!
(Orc) Lieutenant Orf: Aye, aye, captain! Shields at 80%. Torpedoes will be ready in 30 seconds.
Back in the dragon's mind.
Kanatash: Yes to both questions.
Blue Great Wyrm: Holy crap! Mummy, HEEELLLLPPPP!!!
The dragon veers away and beats a hasty retreat. A REAL hasty retreat.
Captain Rose: Fine. Ensign, return to our old course. Warp 3. And someone get me my Earl Grey!
Silver:……………………………………………………I'm bored. :bored:
Bunny: :eek: Run for the sake of the brain function that you value most!
13: *yawn* What's wrong?
Bunny: Silver is bored!
13: :ghosted:
Rose: Whoa, whoa, hold up there. So what's the problem?
Bunny (grabbing the front of Roses's shirt): Do you know what happens when a god of fertility etc. does when they get bored?
Rose: Creates a hoard of hot chicks to tie the crew up and perform unspeakable acts of sex on them?
Bunny: :blink: ……………I should have seen that one coming. NO! When a fertility god gets bored they—
Marish: Cuddles? I'm pregnant.
Liam is working in his lab, the pile of Duct Tape still on the desk. Liam looks at it, then returns to work. Suddenly, he tilts his head to the side, then stands up, grabs a Weirsan Reciever, and starts searching through his wands and staves. Grabbing two, he scoops up the Duct Tape and enters a side room.
Liam: I hope this doesn't fail too badly.
Pulling out the first staff, he makes a hollow anti-magic field so no stray power escapes. He then attaches the Reciver to the second staff, and fires off two charges, the first an Animate Objects at the Duct Tape, and the second, an Awaken Construct. The end result is intelligent, animated Duct Tape.
Liam: It did work. Amazing.
Duct Tape Swarm: Hello, master. What is there to do?
Liam: Nothing right now. You may explore your new home.
Duct Tape Swarm: Okay, master.
The Duct Tape Swarm rolls out.
Liam: :uh-huh:
Liam watches the Weirsan Map as a new signature leaves the lab.
Hoybee, Mickey, and Pholly wander into the mess hall for breakfast. Devon is sitting at a table with a 1000 year stare on his face. Theres a cup of coffee on the table in front of him, but its apparent he hasnt touched it. Hoybee, Mickey, and Pholly grab a mess kit and some food, and sit down next to the shell-shocked bard.
Mickey: So, Dev. How did your...umm....date....with Marish go, last night?
Devon: Need.......morphine.......
Pholly: Is he okay? He looks like hes been through Khyber and back with just his shorts on.
Hoybee: Simple enough logic for that. A date with Marish must be about an EL 25. I think ol' Dev, here, was just a wee bit unprepared for that.
Devon: Need......more.....lessons.....
Mickey: *checking Devons vitals and Hit Points* Whoa. You've been through the wrigner, man. What in the Dragons happened?
Devon: Remember........yarn.........and......ba seball glove.......
Marish wanders in, spots Devon, and slinks up to him.
Marish: Purrrr, thanks for the.....song.....last night. *gives Devon a peck on the cheek, then walks out*
Pholly: Musta been some song. You alright, dood?
Devon collapses forward, his head hitting the table with a resounding THUDD!!
Devon: ......ouch..........
Nalfien eneters his room in a rage. Cuddles tries pitifully to hide in the corner.
Nalfien: You idiot! You brought lupens to third edition! You sinned against nature itself!
Nalfien grabs Cuddles around the neck and begins strangling him.
Volrath runs into the room.
Volrath: Nalfien no! Your hands are far too weak.
Nalfien lets go of Cuddles and Volrath grabs hold.
Ash, speaching in well asured aristoctaric tones dispite his beak. "Gentlemen, gentlemen. Theres no need for violence aginst the wreched hound. Theres every chance Marish's children are mine."
Nalfen: "That would make them half cat, half raven. What the hell is that?"
Volrath: "Confused..."
Volrath: That would result in a mongrelman or broken one. Only slightly better.
Devon: What about me?
Caralot: Um there is always the chance that since cats typically have litters there could be a couple for each. At least on this ship.
Rose: Ahhhh, time to practice my Bardic insturment.
Marish: Hey! There are mommies to be present!
Rose: I'll bear that in mine. Just nine months until I'll be able to have a decent pair of mittens.
Marish: GAH!
Rose: Of course, I mean I'll buy some to celebrate your children's birth.
Marish: *whew*
Rose: From KITTEN-FUR GLOVE MAKERS!
Marish: GAH!
Rose: Made from all synthetic materials.
Marish: *whew*
Rose: Except for the Kitten Fur.
Marish: GAH!
Rose: In fact...*gets out a straw hat and a cane like in the old musicals*
Rose: Some men hunt for sport,
Others hunt for food,
The only thing I'm hunting for,
Is an outfit that looks good...
See my vest, see my vest,
Made from real gorilla chest,
Feel this sweater, there's no better,
Than authentic Irish setter.
See this hat, 'twas my cat,
My evening wear - vampire bat,
These white slippers are albino
African endangered rhino.
Grizzly bear underwear,
Turtles' necks, I've got my share,
Beret of poodle, on my noodle
It shall rest,
Try my red robin suit,
It comes one breast or two,
See my vest, see my vest,
See my vest.
Like my loafers? Former gophers
It was that or skin my chauffeurs,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo
Would be best,
So let's prepare these cats
Doog: Kill two for matching mats!
Rose: See my vest, see my vest,
Oh please, won't you see my vest!
Marish: *faints*
Rose: Ah one more notch into catching up for the Captain for pure evil. *pulls out his bardic insturment....THE BAGPIPES!*
Aurixirthos: Hey, Ash! What about a little "target practice"?
Ash: Sure, why not? Let's go get some redshirts.
Erk: NOT IN MY BAR!!!
Aurixirthos: Calm down, Erk. They wouldn't be able to run anywhere in here, so where would be the fun in that?
More or less half an hour later on the Forgotten Freedom's main deck. About fifty redshirts are standing in ragged lines frantically looking for an escape route. All possible exits have been blocked - apart from the emergency exit...
Aurixirthos: Ok, these are the rules. We'll take turns throwing fireballs, using our breath weapon or whatever to kill redshirts. Whoever gets more, wins. But only fiery deaths count.
Ash: Ok, I'll go first.
Aurixirthos: Feel free.
Ash uses his psionic powers to immolate six redshirts at once. The survivors scatter, but the five targets...eerrr... crewmembers trying to open the only unlocked door are fried by Aurixirthos' fireball (which also burns a hole into the hull of the ship). Two redshirts thank the gods for their mercy and jump out. Ash manages to catch one of them with his fire-whip.
Ash: 7 : 5 for me.
Aurixirthos: Watch this.
Aurixirthos casts a spell and countless fiery arrows appear next to him. With a flick of his hand he sends them forth, killing about twenty hapless redshirts and taking the lead in the contest. Ash counters by taking out several flasks and starting to set fire to the whole deck. Aurixirthos steps into the raging flames and picks up a surviving piece of one flask to read the label.
Aurixirthos: "Pholly's Alchemist's Fire Mk III". Nice move, Ash.
Ash: Thanks. I've watched the little guy's experiments for quite some time.
Aurixirthos: Only watched them?
Ash: ...
The "target practice" continues for a while until Ash manages to take down the last redshirt. The whole main deck looks as if a couple of bloodthirsty pyromaniacs has run amok there. Which is after all exactly what has happened.
Ash: By my count, I fried 24, you toasted 23 and 5 redshirts became red smears on the countryside below us.
Aurixirthos: Yeah, you're right. You've won. This time... Let's get something to drink - burning down things (and people) always is such thirsty work.
Rose: Oh yes and starting yesterday, I started a policy that you have to pay a 50 gold piece fine for every Red shirt killed. They are company property and aren't to be used causally.
Silver: Sorry, Devon, but Marish got pregnant before she hooked up with you. No chance.
Devon: Awwww—
Silence: *FUME!*
Devon: :eek: :help:
Scene: Sunset, a tropical beach, an umbrella, a lounge chair, scattered bottles of rum, a good-looking retired pirate half-elf.
Marish: One of them's yours.
Rose - Is this a pirate ship or a daycare center?
Satnak - You shut it, I'm the one who's paying for their education. I'm gonna need a real job, pirating just doesn't pay enough.
Rose - What?! We steal whole freaking banks. At any given point we have the GNP of several countries in those holds.
Satnak - Not since Ariajni, besides thats chump change.
Norbaz - Forbes must be wealthy snake-man.
Satnak - HAH! most of it goes to repairing the school, that and the insurance premiums.
Satnak - OK you rascals what are you sneaking around Serene's and my backs.
Elina & Sarah - :eek: but how'd you see us?
Satnak - I didn't, you think these ears are for decoration or something?
Sarah - Mom has even bigger ears and we can sneak past her.
Elina - Yeah
Serene - My Satnak has trained her ears more thoroughly.
Satnak - Right, though I'm willing to bet Terra has an eye or 3 dozen on you at all times.
Random Squirrel - Chirrup *tries to look innocent*
Sarah - So what were you two doing anyway?
Satnak - Still digging huh? good show.
Serene - We where just enjoying the view.
Elina - Momma said you got wings. All I see is a tail.
Satnak - And whats wrong with my Tail?
Serene - Nothing silly girl, but these two came to see your wings.
Sarah - and the Cat
Satnak - I haven't Seen Fluffy much lately. Just at meal times, and ocne in a while when he leaves me breakfast.
Serene - Wait!, you eat those rats and birds he keeps bringing you?:yuck:
Satnak - Of course, what did you do with the vole he left on your doorstp last week.
Serene - I think one of the chilis got to it before i did, becase my welcome mat was eaten away.
Elina - Wings:ahem:
Satnak - Alright, :rolleyes: oh impatient one.
Satnak Stands, and takes off her outershirt to reveal a backless under shirt.
Satnak - I don't need to go through my shirts any faster than normal.
The grey lines across satnak's skin pulse briefly, then the wings unfurl seemingly from thin air. A set of great crystal moth wings, then bird-like, then finally bat-like.
Sarah - Wow..
Elina - Awesome
Pholly is back at work in his lab, mixing up a vat of something that burbles ominously. He is carefully trying to measure an amount of silver liquid from a beaker marked 'High Explosive'.
Elina and Sarah: HI PHOLLY!
Pholly *fumbling the explosive* Gaah!! *he catches the explosive before anything goes boom*
Elina: Mommy says youre the one who keeps blowing himself up.
Sarah: Yeah, how do you do that. Is it because youre just bad at whatever that is?
Pholly: Actually, kids, this is very delicate stuff. You two should probably stay out. Dangerous stuff in here, you understand.
Elina and Sarah: Aww. :(
Pholly: *looking a bit guilty* Look, girls, if you leave me be for a little while, Ill make you some gnome rock candy. Hows that?
Elina and Sarah: YAY! Candy.
Elina and Sarah bolt from the room, accidentally knocking over several bottles and flasks, which start to smoke.
Pholly: Aw, Shi-
SKUGGAFOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!
Elina and Sarah: No fair, we wanted to watch you blow up!
Elina: You tricked us.
Sarah: Yeah, youre mean!
Pholly is coverd with soot and slight scorching. He coughs out a small cloud of smoke.
Pholly: Trust me, girls, if thats the worst that happens to me today.....
LATER
Mickey is giving Devon a physical, seeing as how Devon seemed to be in a state of physical and mental shock after his 'performance' for Marish.
Mickey: Well, Dev, other than some bruises and yarn-burns, you seem to be physically okay. Your head still kinda fuzzy?
Devon: Musta been the catnip.........
Elina and Sarah: HI!
Devon jumps about 2 feet into the air. Mickey doesnt seem to be phased.
Devon: Jeeez. I wish you two wouldnt do that to Uncle Dev. Mickey, got a potion or something for my nerves?
Mickey hands Devon a potion of Lesser Rum-restore.
Elina: Eww. I hate medicine. Mister Mickey, why does youre medicine taste so ucky?
Mickey: *under his breath* ohh, just wait about 10 years, it wont taste yucky then....
Sarah: What?
Mickey: Nothing. What can I do for you two sprites?
Elina: Mommy says that Uncle Dev is shocked. What shocked him?
Mickey: Oh, just something that happened to Dev that nobody expected.
Sarah: Whats that?
Devon: Well, you see, Marish really liked a song that your Uncle Dev knows. So she asked him over to play his song so she could hear it again.
Elina: What so shocking about a song?
Mickey: Well, besides the fact that he played it without screwing up.
Devon: Yeah, I was really lucky playing with Marish. I think I fumbled a bit on the bridge, though.
Elina and Sarah: Wow. *running off* Mommy, mom! Devon got shocked cause he got lucky playing with Marish!
Devon: Wait, no, thats not what I....
Lisa and Terra show up, some seriously impressive weapons in their hands.
Devon: This is gonna hurt, right?
Lisa and Terra nod.
A looong time later, Mickey is giving Devon another physical.
Mickey: Ok, now you don't seem to be physically okay anymore. Here, take this.
Mickey hands over a bottle labeled "Aereni Deathstar Wine".
Devon: What the heck is that? Do you really expect me to drink THIS?
Mickey: Yes, I do. It's originally from the Deathless' private wine cellars. Don't ask me how I got that, but I added a few ingredients. Short of this or a miracle I don't think anything will help you. And I don't think the gods will heal you out of mercy.
Devon: Maybe if I sing for them...
Marish: Meow!
Devon: Whaaa! Ok, Mickey, I'll take it.
Devon gulps down the liquid, turns deathly pale (or should that be "deathlessly pale"?) and starts shaking. He obviously has trouble breathing but about 15 minutes later he manages to stand up. All his wounds are healed, but Devon now looks a little pale.
Devon: I think I need something to drink.
He heads off to Erk's place.
At the same time in the captain's "office". Aurixirthos hands over a bag of gold.
Aurixirthos: Here, this should cover the redshirts Ash and I fired. By the way, we may have lost a few crewmembers (that we never really needed in the first place), but since Norbaz took their remains to the kitchen, you should have saved on the rations...
Aurixirthos leaves the captain happily counting his money. Kithle is standing at the corner.
Kithle: Why did you actually pay the captain's crazy "fine"?
Aurixirthos: Why don't you read my mind?
Kithle: I can't, you must know that. How did you do it?
Aurixirthos: Long story. Let's just say before I had a kind of little falling out with a certain chamber, I had access to countless tomes, magic items and so on.
Kithle: So you are...
Aurixirthos: Yes, I am. However, to answer your original question: Major Creation...
Surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women, high quality booze, and several miles of distinctly crazy-person free beach, Jarlot enjoys his retirement.
Elina & Sarah: DADDY!!!!! *TACKLE*
Until now.
Jarlot: :eek: :twitch: :blink: :crazy: :OMG! :coolcthul :pumpkin:
Uprorious laughter erupts from behind him as his brain tries desperately to decide how much trouble he's in.
Terra: That was for leaving without telling us. :devil:
Lisa stands next to her, trying to look displeased but failing miserably.
Lisa: That was so mean! I *sniker* can't believe you got them to do that! *snicker*
Terra: The look on his face was priceless. I didn't know it was physically possible to do that.
Jarlot: So...so they're not...?
Lisa: Your's? Oh, heavens, no.
Jarlot: Thank gods. I didn't need another child support check draining my retirement fund.
Terra: Yeah, we heard about Marish.
Jarlot: Marish? Oh...yeah...Marish... :shifty:
The women that were fawning over him begin looking neglected.
Lisa: Well, I can see that you're "busy" and all, so we'll take our leave.
Terra: For now. :devil: Come on, girls, time to go.
Elina: Awwwwww...do we have to?
Terra: Yes, we do.
Sarah: He's WAY cooler than that ponce of a new Captain...
Jarlot: I like your kids. :D
Lisa: Thanks. We felt they had to meet you at least once.
Terra: *to the girls* We can even fly back, if you want.
Elina & Sarah: :w00t:
Terra spreads her wings and takes flight as Lisa and their daughters stand by. Reaching out with her tentacles, she grabs them gently and sets off toward the sky. (Get your mind out of the gutter. They're just another pair of hands. :P )
Elina: *GLEE*
Sarah: *GLEE*
Jarlot: Well, that's new...
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