Forgotten Freedom:5001 5500
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5101. Exemption from punishment for violation of rules 5095 and 5096 will hereby be extended to anyone involved in the recent scheming...
5102. The cabin boy is not the Boy Wonder.
5103. I know he does wondrous things, that's not what I'm referring to and you know it...
5104. Yeah, he is an agile little sprite... well, that's what cabin boys do...
5105. WHAT!! Us being gay for each other does not make him my sidek... :bigeyes:!!! WE ARE NOT GAY FOR EACH OTHER!!!
5106. :rant: STOP SNICKERING!! THAT'S IT! Anyone referring to the cabin boy or the captain as being; gay for each other, the dynamic duo or any derivatives there of; will be dipped in holy water, tarred, feathered, liquid keelhauled, then keelhauled.
5107. No I would still be this sensitive about this if I wasn't Bat...
5108. FOR THE LAST FRIGGIN TIME, I AM NOT BATMAN!!!
5094. I am not allowed to screw around with time.
5095. We all know that Norbaz's chili is spiked, but can everyone stop taking credit for it?
5096. Mustn't encourage a demon to possess the chili.
5097. Terra, just because you have a thing for Lisa, that doesnt mean Devon and Michael will stop making passes at you.
5098. They make passes at just about anything humanoid and female.
5099. Just ask Michael about the medusa incident.
5100. Devon's poetry is not to be used to interrogate prisoners.
5101. We do have -some- humanity, after all.
5102. Pholly is hereby forbidden to ferment the chili.
5103. Next person to spike the coffee... dies.
5104. No trial.
5105. No appeal.
5106. DIES.
5107. Terra is no longer allowed to enter drinking contests. We simply don’t have the storage capacity.
5108. No, not even if you can make the stuff yourse-what? Seriously?
5109. I stick by 5107. I agreed to let you use the crew as guinea pigs, but NO ONE messes with MY booze.
5110. Lisa is not your own personal Jesus.
5111. This means you, Michael.
5112. The captain, on the other hand...
5113. She isn't much on forgiving, either.
5114. She does hand out a lot of 'blessed beatings', though.
5115. Jaela is not, in any way, shape or form, the personal Jesus of anyone on this bucket.
5116. Yes, this means you.
5117. Until further notice, Norbaz's 12-alarm chili is food.
5118. It is not a weapon.
514- it is NOT the end of the world as we know it, and you do NOT feel fine.
515- THIS IS NOT THE HMS PINAFORE.
516- You cannot fly in Sharn.
517- Nor can you use a smole ladder to climb through Sharn.
518- You are NOT Long John Silver, even if you have a pet lobster and one leg.
519- The first mate is not to be referred to as Mr. Arrow.
520- I am not Captain Smollett.
514- We do NOT need to take the left turn at Albaquerque.
5124. Pholly and Phollie are now two separate entities.
5125. It is imaterial that we made up Phollie.
5126. Phollie is not made of straw.
5127. No, he does not need to see the wizard for a brain.
5128. Ketler, get to work on making Phollie a body before reality collapses and we all die.
5129. Ketler, read rule 5126, AGAIN!
5130. V, just because Terra commands hordes of animals and is apparently freaked out by very little, it does not mean you can refer to her as "fearless leader".
5131. Nor does she employ this "Moose and Squirrel" you keep talking about.
5132. Well, okay, she probably does employ at least some members of those species, but that's beside the point.
5133. No, Nalfien is not really a drow.
5134. No, he is not from Forgotten Realms.
5135. No, he is not Drizzt's older brother.
5136. No, he is not really dead.
5137. Him going to sigil Prep is not evidence that he can ignore canon material.
5138. No, the Gatekeepers do not run around in shaders and dark suits, using a flashing wand to erase our memories of the fact that aberrations live among us as normal people.
5139. Despite what Kithle claims.
5140. No, a race of gliding half-dragons that turn to stone during the day does not live in Sharn and protect the people.
5141. Even if they did, they would not have a friend on the watch who is a hot female half-drow inquisitive.
5107. There will be no aberrational armies allowed onboard the Forgotten Freedom from this point on.
5108. This applies to existing aberrational armies.
5109. No, you won't have any problem with disposing of yours...
5110. You see, I assigned our chili chef to feed them.
5111. Yes, they're all dead.
5112. Yes, even the undead ones.
5113. I know you're vowing vengeance.
5114. What's the word I'm looking for? Oh yes, too bad.
5115. Michael is no longer allowed to flip out and kill everyone whom mentions his sister in a manner that can remotely be construed as sexual.
5116. I believe that's called taking a level in Berserker.
5117. There is no one allowed to mock the Captain's love poetry to Aerith.
5118. That includes dressing Jacob up as Aerith in order to get at the chocolate I buy for her.
5119. Marish is forbidden to eat it as well...
5120. Even if I can't stop her once she starts wagging her tail.
5121. Mickey Nine Fingers is forbidden from pulling out a shotgun and blowing the head off people whom come to him for problems that don't need his attention.
5122. Or just for the hell of it.
5123. Even if he bandages the wound.
5124. You shall not imply the Captain isn't Epic Level.
5125. You shall certainly not do that by wrapping him up in a burlap sack and beating him to test his hit points.
5126. The Captain does not need to prove his epic levels, he is simply that badass.
5127. The Captain DID TOO beat Khyber and implying he didn't is punishable by being forced to walk the Plank.
5128. It is wrong to make the plank sentient, Ketler.
5129. Or to give her a female personality so John won't be lonely.
5130. The fact that Andrea bound the personality of a late crew member to it doesn't make it any better either.
5131. It is wrong to tell Marish that she's getting pudgy to get her to do catrobics.
5132. It is wrong to tell Michael purposely awful advice to court Lisa.
5133. No one is allowed to tell Michael that his Dragon Magazine Bhaalspawn template is worthless in Eberron.
5134. No one is allowed to play Baldur's Gate in front of him and point out how successful their characters are by comparison.
5135. Our drow crew member is forbidden to mock Drizzt.
5136. It was funny at the start but someone please let him out of the closet.
5137. It is wrong to make the joke "Drizzt Do'Urden won't come out of the closet".
5138. At least as many times as you've made it.
5139. Dooj, please stop moping about the fact Michael has fallen in love with Lisa...
5140. Yes, I know you like him THAT way but it's really...
5141. Oh crap, did I just share that secret of yours with the entire crew?
5142. Ummm... pretend I never said that.
5143. As Captain, I insist on a cut of all artifacts and magical items equal to my station... say... 100% minus items that suck like the Eye of Vecna and 'talky' items like this sword "Stormbringer".
5144. It's impolite to speculate about my ever-changing back story.
5145. No, I am NOT Batman.
5146. I was just a billionaire Sharn Doctor's son that saw his family gunned down in a filthy ally before learning everything to fight crime.
5147. Andrea, you are forbidden from plotting against Terra's life.
5148. Yes, I know that there's not room for any other sexually alternate evil magicians but that's beside the point.
5149. The crew is forbidden from nominating new captains to replace me by the following methods...
5150. Lotto.
5151. Amateur porn video competition.
5152. Ritual Combat (wait, that IS how I'm the Captain).
5153. For those who challenge me to ritual combat, we shall settle it by the manner of swords and pistols. You get the swords, I get the pistols.
5154. ...And that is why I am still captain.
5155. You cannot nominate the following people for Captain...
5156. Batman...
5157. The Master...
5158. Margaret Thatcher...
5159. Homer Simpson...
5160. Skeletor...
5161. Starscream...
5162. Cobra Commander...
5163. Colonel Klink...
5164. Keith Baker...
5165. It is wrong to inform Stupid that Scholar is just one of his alternate personalities.
5166. From now on, all crew member redshirts will be recruited from the "Smith Clan" and be named John.
5167. I'm the captain. Stop following Kithle.
5168. I'm the captain. Stop following Smig and Chalky.
5169. Speaking of which, I'm green and stuck.
5170. Don't turn my goddamn ship into an episode of Friends.
5171. Don't come to me with your relationship questions...
5167. There is no such thing as Materia.
5168. Jarlot's nickname is not Cloud, because this is not Final Fantasy.
5169. The fact that the two girls who are interested in him are Tifa and Aeris/Aerith is only a slight coincidence.
5170. Jarlot does not know how to wield a sword larger than himself.
5171. He does not have a rival named Sephiroth who wants to destroy the world.
5172. If a crewmember has not shown up for meals in two weeks or has not been seen in five days, the responsibility to have meals brought to those crewmembers rooms falls to whoever at the time is subordinate under the Cooky for KP duty, if no one is assigned to KP duty, the responsibility falls upon the Cooky.
5173. NO MORE DUPLICATES, Pholly/ie was one thing, Igor/Igor is not going to cause a mess, but does anyone really want to think about the damage cloning Kithle or Satnak might cause. Heavens forbid someone clones Tifa.
You may not, under any circumstance when playing through Shadow of the Last War, decide to drop adventuring to convert Whitehearth into an inn. Even if it already appears to be convenently supplied.
Under no circumstances will you take a page from Rorsa's book on the dining menu.
Nor will you convert the eldritch device into a band stage.
Nor will you have the artificer change the mechanic in the scry room to change with detect thought instead of being constant on the now ballroom.
NO, you cannot glue spikes on your warforged companion and start to call him Pokey, or any other derogatory reference fo the Lord of Blades as a tourist attraction.
Under no circumstances will you steal the laundry basin so you don't have to worry about dirty clothes.
When approaching the guards in Rose Quarry, you will not hide and have the warforged, no matter how accurate it seems, run through screaming death to fleshies, and then lead the guards on a wild goose chase under the concept that warforged can run forever. Then expect the guards to come back fatigued after you burned the base down.
5177. A note to redshirts, under no circumstances are you to ambush an Emerald Claw patrol in terrain like Rose Quarry and then make camp immediately adjacent to the site of your battle. Particularly when you know full well that a large and well supplied camp is only a quarter of a mile away. Failure to obey this rule will result in your remains and immortal soul being turned over to Andrea for "recreational" purposes. Thank you, please drive through.
5178. Neither Jingo nor Ninja Jaela are Yuffie.
5179. Volrath does not have Jenova in his closet.
5180. That's a Shoggoth!
5181. Lisa is not Celes.
5182. Ketler, I don't care how well it would fit with your fanfiction.
518. Terra's father is not a wolf shifter.
5184. Terra may not taunt Tifa by saying "My game's better than your game".
5185. Sa'vor does not have a katana taller than he is.
5186. Nor does he have flowing white hair.
5187. Ketler's Playstation is confiscated.
5188. I am not Captain Kangaroo.
5189. Volrath's bunny is not that Bunny Rabbit.
5190. No one is to get me to say ping-pong ball- *KAFWOOSSHHHH* -ever again. :mad:
5188. Michael is not {insert character name here}.
5189. When talking to Michael, people don't intentionally avoid saying his name.
5190. Even though Aerith is exceptionally cheerful and Michael's sister, she is not Imoen.
5191. Volrath does not skin his apprentices and then do a little dance on their skins.
5192. Okay, maybe he does, but that does not make him Xvar.
5193. Kelter is not Jan.
5194. Jan is not suing Chalky for copyright infringment.
5195. Terra is in no way Jaheira.
5196. Nalfien is not Edwin.
5197. Allen was not one of Bodhi's spawn.
5198. Kanatash was not once an elf.
5199. Kanatash is not trying to steal Michael's soul.
5200. (in different handwriting) Yet.
5201. Kanatash never imprisoned Lisa as his "consort".
5202. Lisa was never a halfling.
5203. I am revoking everyone's Baldur's Gate rights.
5204. Kanatash was not trained by Kanatash, to summon his nightmares into the real world.
5205. Kanatash does not have a funny, twirly hat.
5206. Volrath does not have the Mirari.
5207. (yet again in different handwriting) Yet.
5208. I was not adopted into Volrath's family.
5209. I did not save him during a ritual of passing.
5210. This ship was not originally named Weatherlight.
5211. Volrath did not travel to another planet and create a religion suspiciously like the Silver Flame.
5212. I don't care if he is the son of a god and a mortal.
5213. Volrath will not rise on the third day.
5214. John will not be reincarnated as a fat guy who starts a religion on the same planet.
5215. Neither will :coolcthul
5216. Volrath's prophecy does not sound suspiciously like the timeline in "At the Mountains of Madness".
5217. Aerith will not meet a grisly end in a cutscene at Sa'vor's hand.
5218. Cyre was not destroyed by a meteor.
5219. Nor was it destroyed by Odin's spear.
5220. I thought I already took your guys' Playstation away.
5221. There are no hidden cameras.
5222. Norbaz's chili is not made from people.
5223. It is the hide skill, not "the art of not being seen".
5224. Marish is not Sonia Belmont.
5225. She just has a "thing" for whips.
5226. You are not allowed to use '257 more things Skippy is not allowed to do in the Brelish army' as a field guide.
5227. Or any other source of inspiration.
5228. You're paying him how much in consulting fees?
5229. Screw this, get that guy on board. The Brelish will owe us one.
5229. A five does not look like a nine.
5230. Michael is not Sephiroth.
5231. He wishes.
5232. It is wrong to attempt to steal Aerith's White Dragonshard.
5233. It will not summon Holy.
5234. Ninja Jaela is not to be called Yuffie.
5235. Even if she bears a remarkable resemblance.
5236. Dragonshards should not be called "Materia".
5237. House Cannith will not be called ShinRa.
5238. House Cannith is not draining all the life energy of Eberron for its own use...
5239. ...save in the general way most supercorporations do.
5240. Ketler should not be called "Cid".
5241. Kithle is not Vincent Valentine.
5242. Aerith is not... oh hell, even I'm not going to pretend otherwise.
5243. Ditto with Tifa.
5244. We will not be out of "Phoenix Downs" if Aerith ever dies...
5245. Doog is not Barret...
5246. Mostly because he'd never let Ketler make him a robot arm.
5247. We do not have cellphones, motorbikes, and power plants... despite how cool they are.
5248. The planet does not want to kill us all.
5249. Er... despite what Terra says.
5250. Despite the fact that, yes, Khyber is PART of the planet and trying to kill us all.
5251. Jenova is not Errandis D'Vol.
5252. Even if Terra and Andrea do try to merge her with a fungus to cover the planet...
5253. Dinosaurs are not chocobos.
5254. You cannot inbreed dinosaurs to get green, blue, and black dinosaurs that can cross mountains, rivers, and both, respectively.
5255. And you CERTAINLY can't breed those to get the notorious Gold Dinosaur, which will get you the ultimate Eberron Dragonshard.
5256. You may not carry six fullblades.
5257. Even if you have spiky hair.
5258. And are epic.
5259. Bahamut is not a legitimate 9th-level summon.
5260. Argonessan is not the land of the Ancients.
5261. Crater isn't there, dammit!
5262. Merrix d'Cannith does not wear a white trenchcoat or have a homonculus named Dark Nation.
5263. Nor was he actualy in the Mourning, surviving by means of PLOT DEVICE.
5264. His name is not Rufus ShinRa, dammit!
5265. The only reason for this is that his flunkies are not as cool as the Turks.
5266. Cyre is not Midgar.
5267. Even if it was the base of a now-evil corporation and has been blasted by a magical apocalypse.
5268. DAMMIT, KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TAKES FIVE TURNS TO SUMMON.
5269. Okay, fine. The DM summons Meteor and you all die. :D
5270. We are not characters in some "game" called Dungeons and Dragons.
5271. It is wrong to tell the warforged that wounds won't bleed out because that's not how HP works.
5272. It is wrong to tell the warforged that limbs won't come off because there aren't any rules for severing limbs.
5273. It is wrong to tell the warforged that he has a specific amounnt of wealth that he should absolutely have because he is of a certain level.
5274. Because then he might asked to be paid.
5275. It is wrong to tell the warforged that as the captain of this ship I am also the DM, and thus killing me will stop all the madness this ship has to go through.
5276. I doubt destroying the whole world could stop it now.
5277. We are now instituting the practice of mental keelhauling. There will be a practical demonstration on Doog this evening in the mess hall.
5278. I am not Cloud. Don't you remember the flashback?! Cloud wouldn't let me come along!
5279. Just because I now have a personal servant:
[SIZE=3]I am not Batman.[/SIZE]
5280 (chalked in below). I will visit you soon with the Helm of Ninja/Pirate Conversion.—signed, The Folly
5281. Bruce d'Cannith may be Batman...
5282. (Written underneath) It's Man-bat!
5281. There is not a version of me aboard this ship who is male, thinks he's the greatest hero who ever lives, worships Dol Dorn, drinks, and tries to pretend he isn't chaotic evil.
5281 (the real one). The crew is forbidden from writing in fake rules for fun. (penciled in below): Ah, captain, none of us did that.
5282. Any arguments over whether FFVI or FFVII is a better game that break out into fights shall result in a mental keelhauling.
5283. Or whether Kefka or Sephiroth was a better BBEG.
5284. Ketler is not Cid.
5285. ANY of them.
5286. Terra is not Half-Esper.
5287. Regardless of what she says.
5288. No, Merrix D'Cannith does not look like Santa Claus, nor is the co-creator the Lord of Blades.
5289. For that matter, the Lord of Blades never looked like Einstein.
5290. You may not attach a cannon to the warforge's arm to call him Mega Man.
5291. Nor are Rock Man, Cut Man, Blues, Guts Man, Tomahawk Man, Bomb Man, Air Man, or any other robot master ever made in the Mega Man series an acceptable name.
5292. Making a soulknife Kalashtar and calling him a Jedi will have you sent to Satnak's room.
5293. When she is in a bad mood.
5294. Crow's full name is not Crow T. Robot.
5295. Silver is not a polymorphed Gypsy.
5296. There is no Tom Servo aboard.
5297. Neither Ketler or Allen are Joel Robinson.
5298. Or Dr. Clayton Forester.
5299. Igor is not TV's Frank.
5300. Or Torgo.
5301. Kanatash is not Brain Guy.
5302. Even if he can make your head explode with a thought.
5303. Slip is not Magic Voice.
5304. There is no one named Slip aboard!
5305. I am not planning to force you to watch B-movies in an effort to drive you insane.
5306. Actually, that's not a bad idea. Let's see...
1: Force crew to watch bad movies
2: ???
3: World Domination
??? The crew are forbidden from dealing in any way with Skippy, on penalty of liquid keelhaling.
???+1 The crew are not to alter the climate or sea levels for commercial gain. Dorn & Arda, do you not get druids?
5307. Cyre is not Hollow Bastion.
5308. Vol is not Maleficent.
5309. Even if she is an evil dragon-y spellcaster of doom with designs on world domination who uses the power of darkness and corrupts people into doing her bidding.
5310. By the same token, Kaius is CERTAINLY not Riku.
5311. Your Avian Wizard, Shifter Fighter, and strange unholy WarmageSoulknifeFighterBardClericPaladin are not going to go around locking up the various manifest zones, or the planes. Or unlocking them.
5312. Quori are not Heartless.
5313. Shadow creatures are not Heartless either.
5314. Ansem is not a Daelkyr.
5315. Kaius is not Ansem either.
5316. Merrix MIGHT be Ansem, or That guy who isn't Ansem, but some other guy all along, we promise... But it's in your best interests if he isn't.
5317. Your airship is not made of "gummi".
5318. The two gnomes who help maintain your airship are not named "Chip n' Dale".
5319. THIS SHIP DOES NOT RUN ON HAPPY FACES. :(
xxxx) I am not Captain Jack Sparrow.
xxxx) Or Sir Lancelot.
xxxx) The crew is making me specify this.
5320. Caralot is not allowed to tell the story featuring Jaela and something called a “turkey baster”.
5321. Not even if the crew pays and the captain gets a cut.
5322. Because Lisa will kill us, paladin’s code be d*mn*d.
5323. Caralot is not allowed to give out “enhancements” to crew members who are not redshirts.
5324. Because Michael did not like Doog better with those kinds of enchancements.
5325. Crew members are forbidden from participating in “breeding experiments” conducted by Caralot.
5326. Because I mentioned them in front of Michael, and he went all still and whimpered.
5327. Caralot is prohibited from trying to collect “samples” from Kithle.
5328. I don’t care if he is “a prime specimen”.
5329. What is it with Caralot and Kithle?
5330. Crew are prohibited from making fun of Caralot’s name in front of Roosevelt.
5331. Unless you enjoy the feeling of stumbling around on an uneven deck.
5332. Caralot is not allowed to encourage Klaz “because it is the perfect opportunity to watch a breeding experiment in the wild”.
5333. It is wrong to tell the warforged that Caralot wants to collect a “sample” from him.
5334. She was able to do WHAT?
5335. Just because Caralot can now enhance me with ninja powers does not mean that I will become Batman.
5336. Saberiel (the Half-Nymph Succubus who supposedly tempted Michael to evil) is excused from following #5325.
5337. Aerith is also excused.
5338. No, you may not ask why.
5339. Caralot is not allowed to collect "samples" from any member of the beholder family.
5340. Because I keep having nightmares.
5341. Caralot is not allowed to collect "samples" from the demon chochobos.
5342. Caralot is not allowed to collect "samples" from... GAAAAARRGH!
5342 (revised). Caralot is not allowed to tell anyone ANYTHING about what she does with Cool Cthulu.
5343. Caralot is not allowed to tell any more stories about Jaela.
5344. Satnak is hearby forbidden to use attacks from Gundam G.
5345. Or any other Gundam series.
5346. Nor is she allowed to use moves from DB/Z/GT, (Gah I'm not nerdy enough to do a better list, plz add on) or Rurouni Kenshin.
5347. So help me, I don't care if it costs me the entire gorram crew and the ship and a good chunk of the multiverse, I will have you keelhauled if you even think *thundershock*.
5348. The crew is not allowed to make up new continents.
5349. Entities from the existence beyond non-existence are not allowed to make up new continents.
5350. Authors of the posts on this strip are not allowed to make up new continents.
5341. As a creation of the founder of this strip, I am entitled to make up rules that affect those who post on it.
5342. All desires to visit a desert full of ancient ruins shall be posted to Xen'drick.
5343. All desires to get your head chopped off by a guy on a horse shall be posted to Valenar.
5344. Karrnath has way more than enough mummies to meet any need.
5345. We get enough plant-based mystical powers from Terra's brews.
5346. Pirates do not do spice markets. Especially if it involves thieves.
5347. Our next stop is a new, undiscovered desert continent.
5358. No Yu Yu Hakusho moves for Satnak.
5359. We will never again speak of what Satnak did to Super Jarlot, and someone get the girl a migraine pill.
5360. Satnak is not allowed to destroy the new continent.
5361. Satnak will not be making deities on request.
5362. Squirrels are not fireproof.
5638. Satnak, no Knights of the Zodiac moves, now you're just trying to annoy me with obscure stuff.
5639. Marish is hereby forbidden to be alone with Not-Walter.
5640. Make that any female crewmembers.
5641. Screw it, ANY crewmembers.
5642. Except Terra, of course.
5643. Because we all know she doesn't swing that way.
5644. Re:#5639-41, Unless someone wants footage.
5645. And I get a cut.
5646. And you must never, EVER tell me what happened in there.
5647. Do not taunt Happy Fun Satnak.
5648. Because a happy Satnak is usually a bad thing.
5649. For you.
5650. An unhappy Satnak is likely to be just as bad.
5651. Which is what she will be if you taunt her.
5652. She does not do 'fun' well either.
5653. Don't forget what she did when the Redshirts tried to get her to 'lighten up'.
5654. Yes, Pholly, you still have to clean it up.
Start of new rules for the ship (Forgotten Freedom 2)...
1. Kanatash is forbidden from killing or driving crazy... er... more than 10% of the crew a month.
2. We are seriously taking a hit on our insurance.
3. Satnak is forbidden from killing off plot devices.
4. Except Keanu Jarlot. No one likes him.
5. No more using crew in chili...
6. Unless it's Redshirts.
7. If Ishmael EVER even LOOKS at Sakura EVEN ACCIDENTALLY then he shall be be unrestricted from all previous rules.
8. I shall stop pretending I'm the ultimate of all badasses... which means...
9. I shall not be allowed to say "Call me Snake".
10. Especially not "Solid Snake".
11. I am not Rambo...
12. I can kick his ass.
13. Tifa is forbidden from attacking me until I love her.
14. YES, I REALLY MEAN THAT.
15. Sakura cannot talk to ANY BOYS... EVAR.
16. OR TERRA.
17. Or Lisa, for that matter.
18. Any crew who isn't ALL dead, please fill out a census form.
19. All rules from the FF mark 1 still apply.
20. Satnak isn't allowed to use moves from Granida.
????. The Daughters of Sora Kell are not the White Witch (or whatever her name is).
????. Despite the fact that they have hoards of ogres and minotaurs at their disposals.
????. They are not opposed by a kingly lammasu named Aslan.
24. Regardless of what she says, the rule stating that Satnak can't destroy plot devices still stands.
5655. Any pilot caught chanting "I am a leaf on the wind" during difficult flight maneuvers will be pistol-whipped.
5656. During the maneuver.
5657. The correct verbal component for a Fireball spell is not "KAMEHAMEHAAAAAA!!!!!". Nor is it "Ha Do Ken!"
5658. Violators will be pistol-whipped.
5659. Do not refer to the Warforged as "Al".
5660. Or "Alphonse".
5661. Or anything from Adult Swim. Or be pistol-whipped.
5662. You may not sell your "returning" weapons only to "yoink" them back into your hand as you run out of the store.
5663. There is no sentient meatball, milkshake, or order of french fries aboard this ship. So stop asking.
5664. The Forgotten Freedom is not the Albatross.
5665. I or II.
5666. Or the Little Jack.
5667. OR THE DELPHINUS!
5668. I am not Vyse.
5669. Aerith is not Fina.
5670. When she was still Tifa, Beryl was not Aika.
5671. Satnak is not the female version of Drachma.
5672. Yes, I know she's grumpy, hits us a lot, and has a synthetic arm but that's beside the point.
5673. Devon is not Gilder.
5674. Neither is Michael.
5675. King Kaius is not Galcian.
5676. Dragonshards are not Moon Stones.
5677. Kaarnath is not Valua.
5678. Xen'drick is not Ixa'taka.
5679. Valenar is not Nasr.
5680. Riedra is not Yafutoma.
5681. Ketler's Mi-go cannon thing is not the Moonstone Cannon.
5682. I know it's eerily similar and that the Entity from Beyond Non-existence was thinking of it when he told Ketler to make it, but...
5683. OKAY, OKAY ALREADY! IT'S THE FREAKING MOONSTONE CANNON!
????) Satnak is not a santak.
5686. Illis is a respected and feared berserker. Calling him Willy will earn you a quick death.
5687. Shut up, Willy, no one hurts these losers but me. Go ahead, call him Willy, I'll make sure he doesn't hurt you.
5688. Both of you stop messing with the list, this instant!!!
5689. Paedophilia is never funny.
5690. And I mean it this time!
5692. Liam d'Ghallanda is not a redshirt. He is a paying passenger and is to be treated with the utmost respect.
5693. Why? Because the longer Liam stays on the boat and alive, the more money he pays me, thus, the better chance you have of getting a paycheck.
5689. When Aerith returns to the heavens she will not forget about us.
5690. She isn't just standing around waiting for us to die, so she can harvest our souls.
5691. Kanatash never tried to fuse Aerith with a half-elf.
5692. He also never tried to make her his goddess of "love".
5693. Sa'vor is not holding Aerith's little sister prisoner.
5694. We did not find Kanatash and Sa'vor in a secret dungeon.
5695. Just because I have a huge sword, a attitude problem, and seem like I never die, does not mean that heaven won't take me.
5696. Volrath will not use the "dragon orb" when he destroys the world.
5697. In the event of Volrath destroying the world, Aerith will revive it and kick his sorry butt.
5698. We are not being reincarnated an infinite number of times, throughout history.
5699. We were never commanded by Aerith's dominatrix sister.
5700. Although...
5694. If I hear you say that words "Jaela" and "Batman" in the same sentence, then I will devise a new form of keelhauling and you shall be subjected to all four current methods.
5695. 13 is now under strict orders to report any requests to transport people through time, even if the purpose is to do Good.
5696. Or Evil.
5697. Or Lawful.
5698. Or Chaotic.
5699. Or Neutral.
5700. If it involves Jaela in any way, 13 is authorized to strap you down and show you a slideshow of his vacation. :evillaugh:
5701. 13 is now in charge of delivering mail. (Igor is still in charge of the mail room.)
(written underneath): (So unless you are an über you'd better show me at least a passing indifference. Otherwise I will be reading your mail out loud.)
5702. All rules from "1001 Xen'drick tips" also apply to all crew.
5703. No you may not velcro the walls and ceiling.
5704. Especially if you're just doing it for kicks.
5705. You certainly aren't allowed to train lions to follow people up and get them down.
5706. You may not build Warforged out of Kits.
5707. For the last gorram time they are not robots.
5708. They are not made of 40% asbestos.
5709. Disassembling a warforged charger doesn't give you the parts for two normal warforged.
5710. Asking their DM to include guns in the setting... :rolleyes:
5711. We are not converting to Shadowrun rules.
5712. Because we already have warforged grafts for cybernetics, catgirls, and HUGE guns.
5713. Besides, PC's Troll Cyborgs are just dumb man.
5714. Unlike Troll PC's with warforged grafts.
5715. A wand of magic missiles is not a minigun.
5716. You are free to pretend it is so you can enact the "mad minute" from Predator, though.
5717. If we do the Predator stuff, then I get to be Arnold.
5718. "The Caaaaabinet Minister. This is complete Bull****." See? I can do the voice.
5719. Besides, with the number of people I've killed I'm almost certain to enter politics.
5720. The Captain is not allowed to be peeked in on during bath time.
5721. Especially if he's reading "Sword Babe" magazine.
5722. What I'm doing with Sword Babe Magazine is none of your business.
5723. Even if it's your copy of it.
5724. It's a +5 Reaver of Souls! I'm only human, man!
5725. The movie 'Aliens' does not describe how we came together.
5726. Even if Terra does a mean Ripley.
5727. No, Stupid, you can't be Arnold.
5728. Even if you get a coating to look exactly like him from Ketler.
5729. That won't let you time travel to kill me before I was born.
5730. We are outlawing "bullet time" on this ship.
5731. "Magic Missile Time" or "Crossbow time" is not allowed either.
5732. Boondock Saints does not describe our entire career.
5733. Because none of us are Irish or vigilantes.
5734. Trenchcoats and Katanas are forbidden as the crew uniform.
5735. "There can be only one" is not a reasonable justification for beheading a fellow crew member.
5736. 'Beverly Hills Cop's theme does not play whenever Doog walks into a room.
5737. Robocop cannot be made out of the remains of slain crew members.
5738. Nor can Robo-Pirate.
5739. Magicpunk cannot be used to describe our ship's fashion sense.
5740. Nor can "Dungeon Punk".
5741. "Black Mage made me do it" is not an excuse for psychotic stabbing of stupid people.
5742. It is an excuse for burning people alive with fireballs.
5743. You are not so stupid as to warp reality.
5744. Except you, Stupid.
5745. No matter how you argue it, Top Gun is not the original Brokeback Mountain.
5746. Tom Cruise cannot be invited on this ship just to beat him up for his love life.
5747. I don't care how jealous you are.
5748. You can mock him for his height.
5749. No, Andrea, Nicole Kidman is not allowed to play you.
5750. She's already playing Lisa.
5751. You are not allowed to display "Mad Ninja Skillz" at the local arcade.
5752. Especially not to win "Dance Dance Revolution".
5753. Skippy is not the first member of the crew.
5754. You cannot become King of Breland just by killing everyone who disagrees with you.
5755. That's how you become King of Karrnath.
5756. Jason Voorhees is not my illegitimate son.
5757. Freddy Krueger vs. Kanatash is not a movie we're filming here.
5758. Even if my money is on Kanatash.
5759. Ketler is not allowed to make the world's perfect woman from the remains of dead female Redshirts.
5760. Because it'll be icky and not cool like Weird Science.
5761. Michael is not allowed to help.
5762. Back to the Future is not a guide for Time Travel physics.
5763. Rambo is not a statement of our politics.
5764. Breland has not sent Jack Bauer to kill us all...
5765. Yet.
5766. The warforged cannot exert a shocking grasp upon targets just by grabbing them unless he learns the spell.
5767. It is wrong to tell him otherwise.
5768. The warforged is not to refer to dead people as "deleted".
5769. It is not true that the Lord of Blades gives captive humanoids the options of being "upgraded" or "deleted".
5770. Humans cannot be "upgraded" into warforged, period.
5771. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
5772. It is also wrong to tell aging or crippled humans this, and offer them cut-priced "upgrades".
5773. Warforged do not have their heads explode or commit suicide if their 'emotion chips' are overridden.
5774. Warforged do not even HAVE emotion chips.
5775. That includes the ones working for the Lord of Blades.
5776. It is wrong to tell them this, too. Except maybe the latter ones working for the Lord of Blades.
5777. The Lord of Blades is not "The Cybercontroller", okay?
5778. When is someone going take down the velcro?
5779. Being captain means I can order other people to do it.
5780. Female-type warforged are not Mega Maid.
5781. it is wrong to tell the warforged this.
5782. They cannot be set to Suck or Blow.
5783. It is doubly wrong to tell the warforged this.
5784. The combination of my suitcase is not 12345.
5785. Dad's may be, though.
5786. Squishy, make sure to change the combination on my suitcase.
5787. Sakura is now the center of everything.
5788. She can eat as much as she wants without going overweight.
5789. She is able to angst and woe about her social position despite being the center of everything.
5790. Terra is now required to be obnoxiously jealous of her.
5791. Sakura gets ALL the cool magical power-ups.
5792. Everyone must instantly fall in love with Sakura if they're straight males... and even some girls will, tragically.
5793. Lisa is now Sakura's supporting cast.
5794. Macho guys are no longer allowed on this ship.
5795. Other females must degenerate into supporting cast with less cool powers or villainesses.
5796. Yes, for your clarification, Jaelathundra Sakura Jarlot should be running her religion than running around the ship picking up slavishly devoted guys.
5797. ...However she's the center of the universe.
5798. All forces attempting to subvert Sakura's place as center of the universe will automatically fail because of her perky goodness.
5799. Sakura will never change out of her schoolgirl uniform except to wear a different one.
5800. No, I don't know when this plot is ending.
- ?+1) Because several of them wouldn't die, including Terra.
- ?+2) No matter how powerful we are or how many minions we have, Terra would kill us.
- ?+3) These deaths would be painful, very painful.
- ?+4) Even if Sakura became much more badass and started guarding one of us, we would still die.
- ?+5) Terra would be prepared for any situation.
- ?+6) Yes, very ironic music would play in the background as she killed us.
5808. Just because the Puritans of the Silver Flame is a one-deity worshipping group who subject themselves to an austere lifestyle and ritual forms of self-punishment and have a secretive branch no one knows about does not mean that they wish to keep secret the relationship between Tira Mirron and the couatl.
5809. That movie wasn't even accurate.
5810. All rules now apply to what you will have done when you have gone back in time to before the rule existed.
5811. The Silver Flame has no Section XIII called Iscariot.
5812. Even if it did, they wouldn't be coming after Sa'vor, Slip, and me.
5813. No, I am not just a very manly woman!
5814. Caralot is not allowed to make any more small cute foxes with tentacles replacing its multiple tails.
5815. Because we all know what tentacles are used for on this ship.
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