Coffee and Conversation

Author's Note: Many, many thanks to Terri for RPing this one with me. Thanks, Terri!



An excerpt from Peripatetica, by M. K. Sebastien, Engr. ret.

Sunday, 01 Jan 2519
Kuiper II Class, Summer's Gift
En route to Bernadette
00:12 hrs, ship's time

        I closed down the CAD board and left my workbench for the galley. As usual, Christian had started a fresh pot for the benefit for those on midwatch and I grabbed two cups, one for myself and one for Nika on the bridge. The pilot was right where I saw her last, lounging in her chair and staring out into the Black. I crossed the threshold and cleared my throat.
        "Coffee break." I set the cup at the pilot's left hand and took to the copilot's chair.
        “Thanks,” she said as she took up the cup. She sipped it and was quiet for a while, and I took the opportunity to covertly examine her as she sat.
        We were still ten days out from Bernadette and still uncertain of our fate once we got there, but even so I could see some of the tension she’d been suffering had eased, if only a little. Maybe she was starting to approach something more normal, which I had to wonder just what that was, considering everything she’d been through. I thought again of what I’d witnessed the other night and of my decision to say nothing to her or the others. It had been too much like what I’d once gone through and had I been in her shoes, I would have walked out the airlock rather than bear having others know of it.
        Something of my thoughts must have crept into my expression, for she looked over at me and said, “I wanted to say….thanks…for the other night, too.”
        I didn’t miss the embarrassment that colored her tone, and was doubly glad I’d heeded my instincts and had kept my mouth shut.
        "Don't mention it." I kept my voice light and non-committal. No big deal. "You're welcome." I put my feet on the console and leaned back. "Happy New Year, by the way."
        She glanced at me and nodded slightly.
        “I suppose it is, at that,” she said, sipping her coffee. Her voice was quiet when she continued. “You gonna be okay? Whatever he said to chase you off must have been a doozy.”
        Even in the midst of her own crisis, she wasn’t oblivious to others, and her concern for my hurts humbled me. I knew that weakness from me would be unwelcome for her, however, so I snorted and sipped my coffee, and kept my eyes fixed on the stars beyond the glass.
        "He asked me to marry him. Settle down. Raise sheep. As if I'd say yes,” I said and sat for a while, enjoying the silence and the company as I let my feelings settle. And covertly observed Nika some more. The other woman was slouched in her chair just as I, and likewise seemed content to fly without talking.
        I sipped my coffee and thought again of what I’d seen that night in her cabin and something Mike said long ago came back to me. Should I apply it here or let matters lie undisturbed?
        What's going on in that head of yours, Nika? Am I going to have to make the first move?
        Nika laughed sofly.
        “Yeah…that’d be akin to asking me to stop flying and settle on the ranch with my sister.” She glanced at me and raised her cup in an air-toast, saying, “Groundside life is so not us, girl.” The cup came down and her voice was mild when she continued, “I’m sorry he used that as an excuse, though. Should’a just told you he had something up his sleeve.”
        "He should have, yes." I put my feet on the deck and sat up straight. "He didn't and he pissed me off and he got what he wanted: he got me gone. I'm still mad at him."
        It was the truth and it felt good saying it, and rekindled anger burned away the tendrils of hurt that lingered.
        Nika was quiet a long moment as she sipped her cup. Finally, she commented, “You know him far, far better than I would ever presume to, Rina….but you had to know he’d push you away. Even when he lets people close, I’d venture to guess that there are still lines in the sand that he won’t allow people past.”
        "He's got his lines. Everyone does. That goes without saying." I sighed, adding, "Not that he's ever been forthcoming as to details, and I've never asked him for them before, but wrapping up the brush-off in a proposal was new. Which only makes me suspicious. As for knowing what was coming--I knew. It's not like we've never said goodbye before."
        Nika chuckled softly.
        "Well, I'll give him props for originality in asking you to raise sheep," she replied with a cheeky smile.
        "That was a nice touch, yes. His family raises beef, not mutton." I put my cup aside and leaned forward. "Nika, I don't want to presume, either, and if I am, just tell me to shove off...but why do I get the feeling you've got Mike on your mind?"
        Nika shook her head. "Not Mike," she replied quietly. "Just... the past, some. The future, some. Seeing the two of you together makes me.... sort of want what you have." She grinned a little and shrugged. "Dunno if I'm jealous, really, just.... maybe wistful? Almost died back there, and what the hell do I have to show for this life?"
        "Are you nuts?” I asked, irritated by her tone despite my worry. “Having what I've got will net you a man who drives you crazy by being right all the time, being cryptic and closemouthed as to what he's thinking, and being two steps ahead of you before you know where you're going. He'll make you ache just to look at him and no matter how much time you spend in the sack with him, he'll leave you wanting more. Because of what he does for a living, you have to accept that you can't ask and he can't tell and you have to let him walk out the door to go do it and maybe it will be the last time you see him alive. Why the hell do you want that kind of grief, Nika?”
        Dumbass, I didn’t say and crossed my arms to keep from swatting Nika on the head.
        "As for having something to show...how much of that is vanity and how much is trying to find your way?" I said nothing for a minute to give her a chance to answer. And, I had to admit, to let my temper cool. When none came from her, I said quietly, "You told me once that if I felt like talking about it, to come see you. That's a street that works both ways."
        Nika said nothing and I watched her look out the viewport as she considered what to say.
        “I don’t think it’s vanity,” she finally said. “I think it’s more a feeling of…what have I done with my life that’s worth anything?”
        She grinned that little grin that I was fast coming to recognize as her mask for her disquiet.
        “Feeling a lot maudlin lately,” she said and fell silent once again. Silence took the bridge and we sat, she slouched in her chair sipping her coffee and I with my arms braced on my knees. Across the narrow aisle, Nika stirred and looked at me.
        “I didn’t ask and you never told me. But…if you and he were a thing back when I had that thing with him…I’m sorry. It was never…a thing, Rina.”
        I sat back.
        There it is.
        "Nothing to forgive," I said, shaking my head. "He told me about the Harbinger run years ago--leaving out certain parts of it, of course--and it dates from before he met me. I'm sorry. Had I been thinking straight after Beaumonde, I could have told you that and spared you the guilt."
        As it was…. Woolgather later. Deal with Nika first.
        I looked up wryly.
        "As for tallying the worth of a person's life, you could compare how the Universe would be different had you not been born at all, versus a Universe that has you in it."
        I leaned back again, retrieved my coffee and put my feet up.
        "I've found the really important things are done when you're alone, without support, and it's not likely anyone would ever know or care what you've done. Truth doesn't need advertising and valor doesn't need a parade. They just are. That's not to say it doesn't suck at the end of the day to go without the recognition or the kudos...but that's the way the Universe works."
        I sipped my coffee and regarded Nika over the mug’s rim. With the information that the run-in she’d had with Mike years ago wasn’t after he and I were an item, she seemed to relax a little. No poacher, she, and again I kicked myself for not making it plain sooner.
        “Dunno if it would have spared me guilt—I seem to be wading through a lot of that right now. A lot of... second-guessing myself, my choices." She shrugged a little shrug. "The shrinks at the hospital warned me that it might happen... that I might have some problems. I'm just working through the .... " She paused. "I don't even know how to phrase it right now. There's this whole ... I don't know, I'm sure I'll get over it."
        " 'Confession is good for the soul', Nika. Sometimes you have to drag it out of you and hold it in your hands before you can suss the shape of it. Why not start by telling me what you do know?"
        She let out a long breath. "What I do know? I know that in spite of what happened with that doctor, I'm not a murderer. A killer, maybe... but not a murderer. It's the same reason I didn't take the job when Mike offered it years ago. I think I would have had to make that choice far too often for my own peace of mind." Nika sipped her coffee. "I know that... I can't live at the ranch. Not because of what I did to The Asshole, but because... it's just not where I'm happy." She smiled a little. "Nala kicked me out the last time. Told me to go back where I belonged. And instead of going back to Harbinger, I ... kept on running. And I still haven't quite figured out why." She bit her lip. "I told them it was because I needed a break from the courier game, but... I wonder now if I just keep sabotaging myself or something." She glanced my way. "I did say maudlin."
        She did and I nodded, and told her the truth.
        "You're human. You're granted a pass on the maudlin, just like the rest of us." I cradled my coffee mug for a moment, warming my fingers on it. "Were you happy on Harbinger?"
        Nika's expression, for the first time since we all got back, eased into a true, full smile. "Yeah," she said simply. "I was. But... some part of me feels guilty about .... not being home when my dad died. And then all that happened right after with The Asshole, and I guess I was pretty messed up. I just...." She shrugged a little shrug again. "I couldn't stay on the ranch. I was driving myself and Nala crazy. But... I didn't want to be smothered with other people's concern, either," she finally admitted softly. "And no matter how well-intentioned.... people who know you tend to try to 'help' you, even when all you want is to just be alone in the silence for a while."
        "Do you want me to leave?" I asked quietly.
        Nika glanced at me again and smiled ruefully. "If I wanted that, guess I'da told you to get lost instead of telling you that all my nightmares lately have been about girlfriends demanding why I want their men."
        My God…
        "Are they?" I kept her voice neutral, my expression bland. "Do you?"
        Nika shook her head.
        "Don't think so," she replied.
        "Then what do you want?” I asked. “Is it people, a place, a ship?"
        "Well, now, darlin, if I knew that, I guess I wouldn't be sittin' here whistling in the dark, would I?" Nika drawled quietly, a danger sign for most. She shot me a smile, though, and I realized I hadn’t yet gone too far.
        "True, but it's a place to start,” I persisted, before she shut me out. “Narrow it down. Let's tackle the biggest first. What's keeping you here and what's making you go?"
        She went quiet once more, finishing her coffee. Then:
        "I think what made me not go back was feeling like I didn't deserve to. If a girl's too busy hanging out with her friends to make it home when her dad dies... what the gorram hell does that say about her?"
        Her thoughts flickered behind her eyes and I wondered what they said to her.
        "I didn't really start sorting through that stuff until... pretty recently,” she continued. “ And by then, I was already tied to you guys. So now... I think part of my heart will always be torn. If I go back to Harbinger, I'll worry about all of you. Cuz damn you people get into trouble," she said with a grin. "And while I'm here, I worry about them." She looked at me and said softly, "But they're my family too. And ... if they don't contact us soon, Rina... "
        "Don't worry about us," I snorted, meaning it. "We're fully capable of getting into trouble whether you're here or not. As for the rest of it...were you hanging out with your friends or were you doing your job? Do you think your Dad the sort of guy who would hate you from Heaven because you couldn't get to him in time? Or is that more guilt and despair talking? Sometimes you just have to tell your head to shut the hell up." I shifted in my chair, thinking perhaps I should do the same. "But I know it's hard to wait for word that keeps not coming."
        Nika laughed quietly.
        "No... my dad was the kind who.... told me to follow my dreams." She loved her father, that much was obvious, and she blinked rapidly as she worked on shoving the instant tears back down. "It's just taken me this long to really let go of that." She glanced at me again. "If I'd figured it out a year ago, we'd have never met, though. So... everything for a reason."
        "Sometimes dreams change,” I said. “I've had to live through it. It hurts like hell. So what's changing for you?"
        She grinned that faint grin of hers again.
        "I like being single and footloose... and until I woke up this time, I never once questioned just being a pilot." Nika shrugged. "I'm starting to wonder if someday I might be able to have both. A job out here in the Black and someone to share it with. I think I'm starting to finally be tired of being alone." She snickered. "But don't even think that means I'm sticking myself on a marriage mart, cuz that's just crazy talk."
        "Crazy depends on the market, and on the buyer." I sighed, thinking of my own brush with it. "And the seller. Could I have chosen someone else better suited to marry than Mike? Perhaps. Had my life taken a different turn I'm sure I could have."
        I regarded the Universe outside the windows and continued.
        "I've had a lot of time over the years to wonder about that, and no matter which way I look at it, I can't escape the fact that I was put where I was, and when I was, for a reason. Call it God or fate or the general cussedness of things. Call it whatever you like. I just know that once put there I had two options: stay in or get out. I chose to get out, by whatever means necessary. The Verse threw me a bone: she threw me Mike. I don't know why. I can't go back and change what happened, I can't undo my choices. He became a part of my life back then and he's remained a part of it even now. Some people are meant to stay with you, even if you can't be in the same room with them all the time. And some people are only meant to help you on your way. The trick is figuring out which ones they are when you meet them. And sometimes your dreams are the same way."
        I paused and looked at Nika. God, how to say it?
        "Maybe you've been slapped with a wake-up call, Nika. Maybe it's time to decide what sort of people you've got in your life, what sort of dreams you want to keep and let go. I don't have any answers to that one. I only know that the process hurts and that it comes to all of us eventually. And that we all have to do it. No passes on this one.
        "And sometimes, talking it out helps you see where you need to go." I sipped my coffee and swallowed it with a grimace at the temperature. "Not that it makes it easy, but it helps."
        "I think I've pretty much yammered on about all I really want to share at this point,” Nika grinned, taking the sting out of her rebuke. “But thanks, Rina. You've given me a couple things to think about too."
        "Just one of the many services I offer," I said and stood up, and pointed my coffee mug at Nika’s. "You want a refill?"
        "Nah," Nika replied easily. "Get on back to what you were doing before you decided I needed an ear," she grinned.
        I tipped my head back and drained my cup. "Bed, I think. This stuff's not working anymore." I raised my cup in a farewell salute. “If you need anything, buzz me. I'll have my comm on. 'Night."
        And I left, unsure I’d made a difference but thinking I’d at least managed to plant a few positive seeds in the fertile soil of her misgivings. Only time would reveal what good would come of it.

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