Command
(Andy and Terri lent their voices and time to this one. Thanks, you two!--Maer)
Saturday, 16 Nov 2025
Kuiper II class, Summer’s Gift
Willow Parish, Muir
Blue Sun (Qing Long) system
1745hrs, local time
“All right,” I said, slapping my wrench on the deck of the bridge and hauling out of the avionics hatch. “That’s the last of it. Give it a sweep.”
***
Nika swiveled in the pilot’s chair to put her hands on the controls and fire up the sensors. They wouldn’t be good sensors, but at least we wouldn’t be blind. As the console powered up, she ran through the start-up sequences with practiced hands and after a moment, she nodded. “Yeah, that’ll work. It won’t hold us long, but it’ll get us off this rock.”
***
“Off this rock is good,” I agreed, picking up my wrench and cleaning it. I put it back in my bag and zipped it up with some force. “Had enough swamp to last me a year. Nearly drowning does that to you.”
It wasn’t the only thing that had me in a foul mood and I didn’t entirely care if anyone noticed it. I flopped into the copilot’s chair and the papers I had my pants pocket crinkled, reminding me of something I’d resolved to do. I just didn’t know exactly when to do it. I scowled at the late afternoon murk outside the bridge windows, watching the world stew in its own juices, and wished I didn’t have to turn the power off in a minute. We’d turned it back on for the sake of the repairs and now that Nika had confirmed the patch had taken, I’d have to go aft and hit the kill switch.
Hardly long enough to cool our girl down. Still like an oven in here.
And what I had in my pocket would only heat things up a bit more.
***
Once the sensors came up, Nika scanned them briefly. Then she shut them down again, knowing the power would be cut shortly. She shoved herself out of the pilot’s chair and kicked the hatch to the avionics bay back into place. One hand reached up to wipe her damp forehead, and then she picked up the cup that was sitting on the console. It was still half full of coffee, though it was barely tepid. Still, it was caffeine. She downed the drink in one gulp and said, “We’re clear to take off in the morning, then?”
***
“Assuming Jonah’s whale doesn’t show up and swallow us whole, we’re set.” I picked up my own coffee and spoke into the mug as I took a sip. “See anything interesting on the scanners?”
***
“As if,” Nika snorted derisively. “I’ll be lucky if I can see Jonah’s fuckin’ whale when it butts its nose against the hull. The sensors ain’t that good – we’ll be flying like a myopic brick instead of a blind-as-a-bat one.”
***
“Sorry. I’ve already adjusted them as far as they can go,” I sighed. “I suppose I could try to boost it a little further, but it would involve adding on crap that could short everything out like as not. And given our luck, it would be at the most inopportune time.”
I worked it out in my head and three seconds later I gave up. No. There was no going any further with it. We’d be courting a fire in avionics otherwise. Assuming the ants don’t cause one on their own before we lift off, chewing on the wires. I felt the tickle of little ant feet on the back of my neck and, already inured to the squick factor after two solid days of it, I plucked it off and crushed it.
“Is it me or has our luck been really, really, really sucktastic lately?”
***
“What the gorram hell kind of word is ‘sucktastic,’” Nika demanded. She turned to glance at the engineer and smirked. “You just made that up.”
She set her cup on the console and said, “What’s left to do to get us off the ground? If we’re squared away, I’d just as soon lift off now and get us up to the moon and then to a shipyard as quick as we can. Ruttin’ electricity-eatin’ ants are going to destroy the ship if we don’t decon at next landing.”
***
“ ‘Sucktastic’ is a perfectly legitimate word. All the best engineers use it to describe suck to the power of one bazillion,” I groused, swilling down another hit of lukewarm acid that passed for coffee. Cowboy coffee had its merits. Taste wasn’t one of them. I felt a moment of sympathy for Joshua. I doubt Blue Sun gave him any classes in campfire cookery in the Core, but so far I had to admit, he hadn’t done too bad a job. Still, I suspected he longed for a proper galley, even one as small as ours, over the conditions he labored under now.
“As for the rest, I’ve done everything I can with the port deflector vanes. They should hold burnin’ atmo out of here, got maybe one, two shake’n’bakes before they fall off or we replace them. Other than that, we’re good. Or good enough.”
And that was another thing that grated. Good enough seldom was.
***
There was another derisive snort from the pilot and Nika chose not to respond to that. “Better go shut down the power, then. We’ll haul first thing in the morning. I’m headin’ for my bunk.”
***
“You gonna clean up? I’ll keep the power on for another thirty. We could stand to reclaim some more water as it is.” The papers would have to wait. Now was not the time. “We’re running low.”
***
“Nope,” Nika replied. “The longer we leave the power on, the more the ants may chew on things. I’m hoping that once we burn through atmo, the vacuum will kill most of the problem, but frankly, I’m not hopeful.”
She turned to head toward the bridge’s door. “Just secure the hatch to the bay for me, if you don’t mind.” She took her coffee cup with her. “I’ll let the others know we’re lifting off in the morning.”
***
That was the third opener I’d thrown her and she’d lobbed back. Maybe I wasn’t the only one with matters on her mind. Given the last 48 hours, it would be a wonder if no one had something eating at them. Joshua, with his lost opportunity with Queenie. Arden, with his preoccupation with TSE treatments. Rick with….okay, Rick was probably in hog heaven trying to measure catfish whiskers or something but that sort of task was up his alley.
But what was on Nika’s mind?
Didn’t we have this conversation already, Mike whispered from memory, and I knew. I eyed the line of her back as she quit the bridge and I knew. Like Mike had done before I’d gone to Ariel, like Wallin and others I’d seen since, I recognized that internal shift from open to closed. The sort of closed that only command officers knew and ground away under. Whether she realized it or not, Nika was taking up the mantle of the Captaincy and I knew it wouldn’t come without reservations or without cost. And I knew that I couldn’t say one word about it. It was something she had to face alone. The question now, given what I’d gleaned from her own admissions and my own observations was: would she stay or would she run? I had my suspicions, but I needed more proof.
Furthermore, I didn’t think the proof could be had simply by asking for it. It would reveal itself as it was pulled out of her by necessity, by action, by Fate, and not by anything I could do. It was a waiting game and I had to resign myself to watching her closely for the answers I needed. Once I had them, I’d be better able to judge for myself where she stood. Right now, it looked like it was nowhere near girl-talk chumminess and I had to let the matter slide.
There was another matter I’d let slide—that of my standing with Joshua. Three days ago, we’d called it off, broke up, put an end to our physical relationship. Less than 48 hours later, I’d somehow resurrected it again by obliquely saying I loved him. And now, less than 48 hours after that, I wasn’t sure just what sort of relationship we actually had. We had been too busy getting repairs done and meals cooked to do much more than exchange a word here and there in passing. Even so, being near Joshua but unable to touch him was monkey-wrenching my emotional equilibrium. It was driving me to distraction and I couldn’t do anything about it when we were all feverishly working to get us off the ground. Maybe when we were back in the Black, riding the long stretches between ports, he and I could figure out where we stood. Until then, I would have to keep myself together.
I gazed out the bridge windows, tracking a dragonfly beyond the glass, when I saw the grease pencil markings I’d made two days ago. I’d already shrugged out of my coverall sleeves and tied them around my waist in deference to the heat and what my sweat-soaked tank top didn’t cover was glued to the copilot’s chair by the humidity. I put up with the sting as I peeled out of the chair, thinking that leaving on the morrow wouldn’t be fast enough to suit me. I pulled a cleaning rag from my tool bag, applied some spit, and got to work cleaning off my calculations. So it was that Joshua found me, with one arm braced against the console, one foot planted on the deck and the other raised, with my ass in the air as I strained against the forward slant of the window.
***
Joshua was gathering information. With the power off, his cooking options were extremely limited. But thankfully for him, there were two days worth of fresh produce in the botanical, waiting to be picked and used in elaborate salads. With no longer needing extra time for cooking, he could create individual personalized salads for everybody on board. Perhaps a bit of a pick-me-up after a long couple of days.
Had it really only been a couple of days?
It seemed like his birthday had been weeks ago...but it was only two days ago. The non-stop pace could really use a stop. Or at least slow down. He was ready for some peaceful moments. Which, of course, he was unlikely to get aboard this ship. He would just have to settle for some quality salads.
As he made his way through the ship, taking salad orders, he was expecting to find Nika on the bridge. However, when he entered the bridge, he was surprised to see Rina or at least see part of Rina. It was a good part too, he thought, as he quietly watched her lean forward a little more. He paused for a second to take in the sight, then coughed to let Rina know he was here. "Nice...markings," he said in a suggestive tone.
***
Joshua?
I peeked under my left arm and verified it.
"Hey," I said, straightening up and putting both feet on the deck, hoping the heat I felt on my face was from the setting sun glaring through the glass and not a blush. Joshua habitually blushed and danged if it wasn't somehow catching. I gave him a smile and hoped it didn’t waver the way my insides did. "What brings you aboard? Looking for a little taste of hell?"
Because it's hot enough for it. Ninth ring, I'm thinking.
***
He walked up to her and ran his hands slowly down her hips. "More like a taste of heaven, I would say." She felt good and it was tempting to play, but this was Nika's bridge and she would kill them. Slowly. Painfully.
"Couldn't resist. I'm sorry," he said sincerely as he stepped back from her again. "Wasn't really trying to start anything. Just came up to take salad orders."
***
It was hot on the bridge. So was he. The warm weight of his hands drew me out of my skin and I dangled in delicious limbo waiting for his next move. Then his apology hit my ears as he stepped away and I snapped back into my own sweltering flesh again.
Disappointment--irrational and deep--made it impossible to respond. I turned to the glass and gave it thorough scrubbing and when I turned back, I had myself in hand again.
"S'okay," I said truthfully. "It happens." Another truth. And I moved to the latter half of his statement. "Salad orders? You mean to say there's plants out there you can actually eat that won’t try eating you first?"
***
"Rick has found us a few, and we've got a lot of food in his botany bay that needs to be eaten now that the hydroponics aren't going regularly." It was a shame, really. He could've done a good, if non-traditional ratatouille with some of those. Ah well. "Salad dressing choices are straight oil and vinegar or either the strawberry or raspberry balsamics. You know, the ones I overpaid for on New Canaan." He paused for a second. Good stewards offered all the options. "Or you could go plain."
The distaste in Joshua's voice made it clear what he thought about the last option.
***
"Strawberry, please." Being a meat-eater myself, I didn't call him on his tone. I leaned against the console, choosing to stand and sweat instead of sitting and sticking to the chairs again. I caught myself halfway to running a hand through my hair, a nervous habit when at a loss, and realizing what waited for my fingers, I redirected mid-action to scratch my ear. “Can’t imagine eating anything heavier in this heat, anyway."
***
"True. It all works itself out." As he said it, he could see Rina was perhaps a bit on edge. The heat made everybody a little edgy, perhaps. But he thought there might be something more. Something about the way she held herself felt off. Couldn't hurt to ask, anyway.
"How are you holding up, Rina?"
***
His voice softened, taking on that subtle tone reserved for lovers and I responded to it as much as his words.
“Been better,” I said. I looked down at my boots. “How about you?”
***
He shrugged. "I'm doing okay. Kind of torn. Frustrated at having answers dangled in front of me. But then happy for Deborah that she seems to be better." He held out one hand with an open palm and then slowly closed his fingers together. "As Reverend Jim would say, He giveth and He taketh away."
He adopted a comforting tone. Rina looked like she needed it. "We'll be off planet soon. Sure you don't need to talk about anything?"
***
"A lot, actually," I said. "Hot water. Soap. Clean clothes. Dry sheets." You, I didn't say. "If you wanted to talk dirty to me, you couldn't do better than that."
***
"Hot water." Joshua let the words roll off his tongue slowly, sultrily. "Clean clothes." He gave her a slow wink and sidled over to her.
He had intended to stretch it out, but as he started to say something about dry sheets in a sexy voice, he instead burst out laughing. "I'm sorry...I'm not poking fun, just the idea of pillow talk centered around laundry cracks me up. Hey baby, throw in an extra load..."
He finished getting closer to her, trying to get as close as he could without pressing tight up against her. Extra body heat was possibly the last thing she needed. He grabbed hold of her free hand and ran his fingers across the back of it. As his fingers moved, his tone became more serious. "If you really want me to talk dirty to you, I will. You know I'm your willing slave, Rina. I'm just worried about you. Well, worried about everybody, but you most of all. It's been a long few days in the swamp."
***
“I don’t want a slave, Joshua,” I said quietly and looked up at him. “I’d rather have a friend. Someone I can talk to, work with….” Sleep with, on occasion. But I didn’t dare say it. His fingertips stroking my hand, however, made me want to. “And learn from. As for the rest of it…I’m still trying to strike a balance, you know? Not sure how I’m going to do it but I’m hoping I won’t have to do it alone.” I caught his fingers and gave them a light squeeze, to quit their maddening distraction while reassuring their owner I wasn’t angry. “Is that what’s got you worried about me? If it is, I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intention.”
***
He squeezed her hand softly in return. "I can be whatever you need me to be, Rina, and I won't mind. Lover, friend, confidante, extra hand around the engine. That's the beauty of my history. I can be all of those things for you and still be Joshua."
Making his tone a little lighter, Joshua leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. "You never have to worry about being alone, silly."
"As for why I'm worried," he continued as he leaned back, "I don't know if it is anything specific. Just a gut feeling from looking at you as part of a combo with the general mood that seems to have everyone in a malaise. Don't know."
***
He read me the litany of everything he could be for me and I was grateful for it, even though I didn't dare take him up on the first item on the list. His nearness was a blessing and a curse, and I hated not having the fortitude to shift away, because as much as I knew keeping things on a professional level was what I needed, it wasn't what I wanted. His kiss had tantalized and seared me with erotic heat, and I tried not to dwell on how it made the woman in me feel. I wondered if Mike had ever been as thoroughly skewered by dilemma as I was now. It was both vertiginous and grounding to have Joshua so close to me and I just grit my teeth and endured it. And as for the rest of what he said:
" 'Looking at me'? And just what do you see, other than someone who really hates being nasty-sticky all over and is pissed off at the general state of non-repairs?"
I gave him a half-grimace, half grin as I said it to remove any possible sting. His feelings were important to me and I wanted to avoid any unintended insult—after all, he’d handled a good portion of the repairs this go-round to spare me infection and trouble and I didn't want him to think I didn't appreciate it...or him.
***
Joshua couldn't remember the last time he had seen Rina so cautious and careful about the way she phrased things. He watched her struggle to smile, going against what she was obviously feeling. She must be really upset about something.
"Ok, when I said I could be anything, I forgot to include target. So spit it out and tell me what's on your mind, Rina. Talk to me. Even if you just rant at me, you'll feel better." He said it with a bit of an edge to his voice, trying to provoke her into action. Always dangerous, but he could take it and she needed it.
***
Dear god, I couldn't look at him. I could only hug my arms across my gut and try to breathe. My throat was tight with words I didn't dare say, my heart struggling with feelings I didn't dare show...and it was all for naught anyway. Joshua was a Reader, and aside from that, he knew me with the insight that only being my lover could grant him.
And that was the core of the matter. I was compromised and however much it had been a mutual arrangement, it was never an easy thing to admit I had been weak and had transgressed in something I'd never thought possible. Sleeping with anyone other than Mike had been my line in the sand and I'd crossed it not once but twice. With Christian, it wasn't so much a transgression than a transaction between friends. With Joshua, it had quickly evolved into something else, something far more personal—and thus, damning—and I knew I had to make things right. And I wasn't sure I could.
I stared at the deck under my boots and despaired of ever finding the words to express it but for the sake of his heart and the disposition of my soul, I had to try.
"Joshua, I…," I faltered and cleared my throat and tried again. "I don't want to rant. I don't want to lay blame. I don't want to hurt you. I just don't know what to do."
I could feel tears coming behind the words and clamped down on both. I would not cry. Tears were a woman's weapon, one I despised using, and I didn't want to manipulate Joshua with them. So I screwed my lips and eyes shut against leakage and listened to the drone of the insects through the open bridge windows...and waited. For a sign from the Universe, for a move from him, for something—anything—I could use to break the paralysis of will that gripped me.
***
"Then, talk to me, Rina," he said passionately. "I can't help if you can't tell me what you're feeling. You can't hurt me. Forget everything else. Just talk." He had gone from slightly worried about her to potential panic in under 5 minutes. Joshua thought she had figured out where he belonged in her life and he had been content to accept whatever that was, because she loved him in whatever fashion she could. But, of course, it could never be that easy.
***
I wished madly, desperately, hopelessly for that moment of clarity that had struck me two nights ago. My course then had seemed clear, fully charted and stretching infinitely before me. But like anything so blindingly revelatory, the clarity had faded with the glare, leaving only an afterimage in my mind’s eye that evaporated when I strove to focus it.
All I had was what I felt now, that and my crumbling certitude.
"All right," I finally managed to say. "But not here. Your quarters or mine, or the engine room, but not here." I felt too exposed, felt too much the trespasser on another's sacred ground, and what I had to deal with was too profane to air in it.
***
He nodded at her. "The engine room then." He then stepped aside to let her lead the way. She needed private space and more than that, she needed comfort space and the engine room would provide that for her. "After you."
***
It was darker in the engine room, it being the farthest from the windows of the bridge and the outermost containers, and it was hotter. I’d kept the lights on low all over the ship to conserve power while it was on, hoping the less we used, the less ants we’d attract. Even so, I had to make a few concessions to our comfort. I had dug out a rotary motor from the scrap we'd scavenged during our travels, had jerry-rigged up a simple fan to push the air around, and attached it to a lantern battery from our stores. I flipped it on in the low-lighted murk and within seconds the hot breath of its breeze wafted over our skin. It made the oven of the engine room marginally bearable. Just.
"And now we have a convection oven, instead of a conventional one," I quipped as I shut the engine room door. I leaned against it and let my head tip back with a thunk. Now that I had him alone, I wasn't sure how I'd proceed. Had he been anyone else, I would have simply said what was on my mind without dithering, without regard for his feelings. Even Mike had been recipient of my rough honesty, even Joshua, once upon a time. Now? I was walking on eggshells...and I couldn't be certain if it was for my sake or his.
"I owe you an apology," I said. It was a lame start, but it was a start. If I could build up some momentum, it would carry me through. "Or at least an explanation. I'm just not sure how to say it."
***
He made his way to one of the chairs situated in the engine room. They were hot, almost painful to sit in, but Joshua wanted her not to have to look up at him. It might make her more comfortable and every little bit could only help. Rina was really beginning to freak him out.
She couldn't figure out how to say something? Might as well say the sun wasn't going to rise in the morning.
"Just give me the truth, Rina." He said it directly and calmly, trying not to add in any complicating emotions. "I wasn't kidding when I said I'd be what you need me to be. If that means nothing, then I can manage that. Since my birthday, I'm feeling oddly at peace. I still love you, but I will survive." He wasn't lying about that. Something about her telling him that she loved him in her own unique (albeit parallel) way had settled him down about the whole situation. He would love to be with her again, but the somber tone of this conversation suggested his chances might be slim. He'd just have to hold on to the love in his heart.
***
For some things, there was no sugarcoating. Mathematics. Gravity. Atomic motion. And now this.
"The truth then." I pushed off the door. "I want you. I want you and I can't have you. Not for keeps." I crossed the room as the words came slowly through my reluctance, through my fear. "And still, what I said two days ago, what I realized then....it feels true. I just don't know if it's right. Or possible."
I stopped in front of him, our knees almost touching, and the need to put my hands on him, to feel his hands on me, damned near broke me. I held myself where I was by teeth and toenails, refusing to give in until I'd told him everything.
"I don't know when Mike is going to call me to join him on Miranda. With what Tanner and Kramer told me, he could be on the next moon over or he could be on the other side of the freakin' 'Verse. I don't know how much time I've got, Joshua, and I hate to leave anything in the middle, unfinished, unresolved. And I don't...," I stopped and took a steadying breath. "I don't know what's worse: never sleeping with you again and dealing with the fallout like I—like we are now, or falling back into bed with you and having to do this all over again without warning when Mike waltzes into the picture."
I bit my lip and fisted my hands.
"I only know that I want you, that I don't know if I should give in, and I sure as hell don't know if you should even go along with it...because in the end, you and I are going to have to deal with the consequences. I don't..." I had to stop. I was only going to repeat myself and repetition wouldn't make this any clearer or easier.
"I may have been your first in a lot of things, Joshua, but in a lot of ways, you're also mine. I'm learning as I go and I can't shake the feeling that I'm getting it wrong, that I'm botching it."
***
Joshua wanted to reach out to her...so close, grab her hands and let her know that it would be okay. This was killing her to be so worried and killing him to watch her struggle through it alone. But as he started to lift his hand, he stopped. He couldn't, even unconsciously, try and sway her to his side. If she chose to be with him in the here and now, it had to be her choice.
He clasped his hands between his knees and rested his elbows on his legs as he leaned forward. "I could give you reasons, Rina. I could tell you that the damage is already done and that being with me more won't make it any worse." He paused, gathering his thoughts. "I could tell you that love given honestly is never a bad thing. I could even tell you I want you as much as you want me and we could comfort each other during dark times. I could tell you all these things and they would all be true."
He sat back and shook his head, rubbing his face in his hands briefly before starting again. "But they would all be self-serving reasons. Reasons to get what I want." You lying by my side at night, pressed up against my bare skin. My arm cradled under your breasts, holding you close. Feeling your heart beating through my hand. It was times like this when he wished he wasn't so goody-goody. If he said the right things at the right time, did the right things at the right time... maybe... just maybe he could pull her away from Mike. But even if the impossible happened and she stayed with him, it would taint their relationship forever. And he would never be able to live with himself. Damn Fate, that fickle bitch mistress.
"Only one thing matters. Look deep in your heart and ask yourself, 'Does what we have...what I feel for Joshua...does it threaten my love for Mike?' If it doesn't, then be with me and when Mike shows up, you step away from me into his arms and have love forever after." He looked her in the eyes. "But if your love for me isn't as parallel as you thought, then stop it now. Do what it takes to step away from me. Even if it means asking me to leave. I can't be with you if I know I'm hurting you all the while."
***
Something he said made sense and I groped for understanding even as I responded to it.
"You're not a threat. I'd love Mike no matter what happened. I know that much, no doubts or regrets," I managed to say. "I just don't know what will happen and were this any other matter--and I mean any other matter--not knowing wouldn't stop me from plowing through as I saw fit. I'd just do it and trust my judgment." I shook my head. "I've already stated my case. I want you. I'm hurting. I want the pain to stop. You're here and you're willing to help me. Friends do that. It shouldn't be so damned complicated."
***
She was hurting and she needed him. Joshua had been working so hard to stay neutral, to give her the room she needed. But knowing that she needed him was too much and what little willpower he had remaining scattered to the wind. "If I'm not a threat, then be with me for the now and we'll deal with the consequences when they come. Together." As he said it, he stood up and took her in his arms, pulling her close for a long, deep kiss that reminded him of why he was so willing to suffer in the future for being with her today.
***
My connection with Joshua went beyond my experience and the confusion I felt wasn’t something I could shoot at or fix. Or even talk about coherently. There was nothing for me to grasp, nothing I could measure or quantify. It was impossible to nail down empirically and it scared me. So much. But Joshua was there. He held me in the oppressive heat of the engine room, with the stench of Muir’s swamp tainting the heavy air, and I knew I wouldn’t have to face this alone. I sobbed into his kiss, desperate, grateful and afraid. I didn’t know what would happen. I didn’t know how long I had. All I knew, all I had, was now.
***
Since this season turned out to be RP heavy, it's only fair to include the link to everyone's efforts.
Go back to Milestone | Skip to Clarion.
Go to Peripatetica - Rina's Journal entry and RP log
Go to Rina's Russian Glossary
Go to Rina's Crew Page
Go to EPISODES or TIMELINE
