Family Has Many Faces

Perhaps the drinking went a little far last night. And maybe she needed it to. When Nika woke to the bright Angel morning, she had a raging headache. She threw the pillow over her head for a while, but unable to sleep anymore she finally shoved herself out of bed and into a shower. Now, with her hair unbound and still wet, she stands at the counter with a mug of Christian's coffee in her hand looking out the kitchen window to the land beyond. Her body language is neutral -- to most it would simply look like she was waking up. To Christian, who knows her so well and can read body language as most read a book, the subtle signs of grief and extreme stress are like a neon sign. They are slightly lessened after last night, but it will take time for her to sort through the situations that have presented themselves over the past months. Her free hand absently toys with a necklace at her throat, her fingertips obscuring what hangs on the chain.

"One of the most interesting things about sex," Christian says as he walks into the kitchen, "is it is both the greatest stress relief and the greatest cause of stress in the world. How long have you and Arden been on break?" He's wearing just a pair of red, silk boxers and his hair is still wet from his shower. Christian pours a second cup of coffee and then sets the machine to make a second pot.

Nika turns, startled from her reverie by his voice. She drops the necklace, hiding it inside the neck of her T-shirt with a movement that most would barely notice. She sips from her mug and then answers quietly, "Since Decatur." Moving to help herself to the slice of bread that she took from a loaf on the counter, she lowers herself into a chair to nibble on it. It gives her something to do with her hands. "Did you sleep well?" Her headache is less raging than it could be, at least.

"I did." Christian takes his time, making coffee and sawing through the loaf for a slice of bread. "Are you hiding that necklace from me or just in general?" He pauses, then adds, "You don't need to answer that if you don't want to, but obviously something's on your mind." He settles his butt down next to Nika's. "I'd be glad to listen."

"Of course you would," Nika replies with a faint smile. "Because it's what you do. Listen to the rest of us rail against the Verse." She toys with the mug. "Rina's the only one who knows I even have it," she finally says quietly, reaching up to remove the chain from her shirt once more and show him the diamond ring on the end of it. "I wear it to remind me.... of how stupid I was." Her jaw firms a bit. "I don't even know if she actually loved him in return, but at least Rick was brave enough to go all the way to the end of the road with the woman."

Christian leans in so he can examine the necklace. "Mmmm...." He nods his head, "I see. And there's Brian and Arden and..." He nods his head and leans back, "So, I'm guessing seducing you is probably a bad idea." He winks.

Tucking the ring away again, Nika snorts. "I hope you won't take offense when I tell you that the //last// thing I need in my life right now is another person with a penis." Her derisive tone holds an edge of just plain mean, though it seems more directed at herself than him. She sips her coffee wearily.

"Well, you always did say I was the most girly man you know. I could always put on a dress." Christian's grin widens, then his expression grows more serious. "Nika, let me ask you something. Do you hate me for leaving? Do you blame me for not being there during all this? I know there were probably times when you thought something would have been easier if I were there or my skills were. Or my official status as a Companion."

Tilting her head, Nika considers the question seriously. "No," she says finally. "No, I don't hate you. I'm not even mad at you. There've been times where your ability to talk us out of a jam might have helped... then again, might not." Her fingertips run round and round the mug in front of her absently. "You did what needed doing for you; can't fault you that. And it was the right thing for Lem too." She looks at him with a smile. "And I miss you like mad, but honestly... can't say I'm sorry you're safe. Relative to the rest of what's gone on, of course."

"Then you realize," Christian says after nibbling on a slice of bread, "that no one would think less of you for doing the right thing for you or for Brian, if that's what you wanted to do. If one of the things weighing your shoulders down is your responsibility to the crew... they want you to be happy. You should want that, too. Don't make your decision based on that."

For a moment, Nika bites her tongue. She's had zero time to come to grips with this loss much less to have losing Rick added on top of it. And then she says quietly, "I'm the only thing left in his life that he actually remembers... that he actually //feels// something for. The damage to his brain is severe enough that under those conditions, it's doomed. And when he asked, I said yes anyway. It was everything I wanted, you know? I had been set to leave the Gift, to stay -- even when I knew Decatur itself would slowly suffocate me -- because being with him, with them, was worth giving up the Gift. But.... I knew even as I said it that it was the wrong answer; I can't possibly live up to being the center of his Verse. I'm... just a person. I'm going to make mistakes, and he'd wind up hating me for not being the person that he's built up in his head. I'd wind up hating him because he was the reason I stayed." She pauses. "And falling back on Arden now //would// be using him, and I won't do that to either of us. So I asked him for some space."

She looks back up at him, meeting his eyes. Words flood from her now -- more words than she's strung together in a row in weeks, as if the dam holding them back finally breaks. "What weighs me down right now is just.... knowing that there is no good answer to any of it. Brian's brain damage is partially my fault. He jumped on that grenade for us, and I'm the one who made the call to let Arden treat him with the only options, risky as they were, that we had available on Miranda. There was no other option if he was going to survive. But... part of him wishes that I hadn't made that call. That I'd let him die instead. It kills me to know that." The ache in her heart over that is so deep there aren't words. "And with you here, they're all looking to me for decisions and answers, and... Rick was real good at pointing out that if I'm going to //make// those decisions, I better get //better// at them, because I suck at it right now. And he was right. Look at the results of the decisions I've made since you left, Christian."

"Joshua's a good choice for that." Christian says, nodding his head, "The truth is, the job is dangerous and, somehow, we keep ending up in the center of the 'Verse." He shakes his head, "Hopefully things will slow down now that the Alliance is dead. The Guild's working overtime trying to handle it. I'm afraid they'll pull back entirely into the Core."

"Guess we'll have to wait and see what comes of it all." Nika drank some of her coffee and then grinned slyly. "Don't suppose I could entice you into brushing this mop for me for a while since no one's awake?" It's a guilty pleasure that she rarely affords herself -- allowing someone else to brush the mass of hair that she always ties up.

"Come on." Christian stacks dirty dishes, "I'll take you over to my shuttle. All my best hair stuff is there. I have a cream that will take care of most of the damage your poor hair's suffered from not having access to conditioner."

Nika laughs. "And there it is... you've just been dying to get your hands into it, haven't you? I've been watching you eye it since we got here." She finishes her coffee and pours another cup from the hot pot before she moves to follow him to the shuttle. "Hey, did you see our new shuttle? She's hot." In more ways than one.

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