Far Easier To Walk Away
The ranch's grounds are covered with a dusting of snow. Not too much; the weather isn't quite cold enough for it to stay long either. But it's still cold this time of year on the prairie on Boros. Nika's sister -- her twin, much to a few people's surprise --is a leaner version of her sister with a slightly more rounded face, cobalt blue eyes instead of the ice-blue ones, and sun-streaked blond hair kept to just about shoulder length. They seem also somewhat similar in temperament in that Nala Johannsen doesn't seem to put up with much in the way of prevarication, but there's a sweetness to her that Nika lacks. Perhaps just the sense of contentment in being exactly where she feels she belongs. As Keira steps out of the house, one of the mules drives by with Nala at the wheel and a smaller dark-haired figure in the passenger seat. It roars down the path toward the watering hole without stopping, drawing Keira's eyes toward the east paddock.
Standing next to the fence with her elbows propped on it is the other blond. Her waist length mass of hair is, for perhaps the first time ever, loose and somewhat chaotic around her. As if she didn't take the time or have the inclination to be bothered with braiding it. With her face turned away from the house, it's hard to tell what her expression is, but the tilt of her head indicates she's looking toward the watery sunlight streaking out of low-lying gray clouds. She can't see it, but her eyes are turned that way anyway. She doesn't seem inclined to move from her spot, either, even as the mule drives off.
---
Closing her eyes for a moment, Kiera sends a small prayer heavenwards for strength. The irony isn't lost on her; for a long time now, praying had been a dark afterthought or a momentary hopeful whisper. But she felt a need for it now. She needed a courage that would sustain her in the long walk to Nika, a courage that would hold her steadfast enough to weather the storm to come. Just because Rina had found it inside herself to forgive her did not mean that anyone else had to.
And Nika had been hurt far worse than Rina, almost more mentally than physically. Someone looking at her would argue that. Those beautiful blue eyes were damaged and lord only knew for how long or if forever. But that soul had been hurt, trust given and thrown back at her and the only home and freedom that she had taken from her. Kiera knew that the tsunami of resentment and hatred had to be building inside her. Sighing, she began the long walk to try and make it begin to break over her before it swallowed the person where it was building.
"Nika," she said, settling against the fence, "you got a moment for me?"
---
The sound of footsteps wasn't lost on the (ex-?)pilot. Nika was finding that without seeing some things became a little more clear. She had to depend more on auditory cues and tactile clues about where she was at any given time, which way she faced. She didn't turn to look at her company, and when the voice identified the person, the casually neutral expression remained in place. "Ain't got nothin' but time," she drawled calmly. "What'd you need, Keira?" There was no anger. She sounded as if the query were of no more interest to her than any other Keira had ever made.
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"Well, Arden hadn't let me have the first bit of info about you. How are your eyes doing?" Her mouth twisted, her lips pressing together before she sighed and launched into her next question without waiting for the answer to the first. "How are you doing Nika, is the right question. Hell, I'm a doctor. I'm pretty sure how your eyes are doing."
---
Now her head turns toward Keira. Luckily enough, Arden managed to get the toxic substance off her skin quickly enough that the marks it left there are relatively minimal in scarring. There might perhaps be a small line or two that remains when it's done healing, but the true damage was to the softer tissues within her eyes. They are bloodshot though the color of their irises remains unscathed in spite of it all. "My eyes are unlikely to heal and they want to send me to a specialist. Other than that, I'm doing just fine, thank you." Her tone wasn't hostile, there was a very specific, very cautious distance in it, though.
---
She might as well be a million miles away, Kiera thought to herself. Wasn't enough lotion or massages in the whole of the Universe to begin to close the gaping hole between them. She smiled benignly, nodding, and then scowled knowing that Nika couldn't see it. "One on Londinium or Sihnon?"
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Turning her eyes away toward the sky once more, Nika replied mildly, "I don't know yet. I think Arden and they are still consulting. Since we're going to be here a little while recovering, I imagine they're researching it." She let the silence hang between them and then she finally said, "But I'm pretty much doubting that you came all the way out here just to ask me what I expect you already know, quite frankly. So why don't you get to your point, Keira."
---
And polite small talk out the window. Well, hell, I'm not good at it anyway. Shifting her weight, her jaw working, Kiera thought a moment about how to start and then just dove in. "When do you plan to bless me out, cuss me good, and have Arden hold your arm so that you can shoot me, Nika? And if you hadn't thought of it yet, then you really are a better gorram person than I've ever dreamed you are. Why the heck are you standing there like you were some Shepard at peace with the Universe and all the gos se that has been put on you by me is just peachy keen?"
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Nika quirks a single brow and turns so that she's looking at the woman. Or ... well, not looking as the case may actually be. "Because it's what you want me to do," she retorts immediately. "You want me to cuss at you, yell at you, shoot you, or hit you. Because it'll make you feel better. It'll make you feel like you're doing penance, suffering whatever punishment comes your way. And then it's over and done with in your mind because I'll have been given the chance to have my say. And you'll abjectly apologize a few more times and feel that you've done what you can, and you'll dismiss it."
Nika's tone was calm all the way through. "And I have no intention of letting you dismiss the consequences of what you've done with an apology," she said quietly, the acid of her rage very carefully banked. "I'm reasonably sure that this is probably the only remorse you've ever felt in your life. And I want you to feel it. Maybe you'll learn something from it."
---
"Remorse is what got this started, Nika," came the frank answer, her voice flat. "Remorse over something I did that I didn't want to feel remorse about." Kiera smiled grimly. "If you noticed, Nika. . .I ain't apologized yet. At least to you. I don't know how to."
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Nika tilted her head, a frown pulling her brows together. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?" she asked. Because in truth, she's flat out never understood what Rina and Joshua did to cause this. The fact that it was something she felt remorse for that people were riding her over... what??
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"Joshua never let on why I went to my cabin for a few days and why I came out looking like hell warmed over?" Kiera asked, her tone incredulous. "Didn't bother to tell you what the hell the furor over that old revolver was? Wuh duh ma huh tah duh fong kwong duh wai shung! You'd think that that would have come up sometime!" She growled and then snorted.
"I shot my lover Allan Metterson in the head when he and some dumb ass friends of his decided that he'd kidnap our employer's young daughter and hold her for ransom. I woke up when he snuck out of our bedroom and discovered him taking Merryanne. I begged him to stop, told him that he'd be a hero and I'd play along, but he shot at me as I shot him in the head. He missed on purpose; I didn't. Joshua wanted me to talk about it and I wanted to drink the ghost back into his cursed grave like I've done since I was 24. I've kept that damn gun with the five bullets in it since that night. Joshua took it 'cus somehow I guess he thought that I'd blow my fool head off and I told him to keep it. It all spiraled to hell from there. I'll let Joshua and Rina tell you their side, but damn, those two don't know when to back the hell off. Not a clue between them. Like gorram bulldogs!" She swore again and thrust herself back from the fence.
"I lived remorse, Nika. But I suffered my way! It ain't talky and it ain't healthy, but it worked. And I'll have remorse for you any damn way I want to. And if you don't feel like I'm doing it right enough for you, then screw it. I'll learn what I learn from my mistakes and my temper. But I do feel remorse, even if it ain't all over my face in alligator tears for the rest of the world to see!" She crossed her arms and turned to look at the sun, her teeth clenched.
---
Well, now.... "Aaaaaaaand instead of coming to me personally and saying to me, 'Hey Nika. I'm going through some personal shit, don't feel like sharin', get Joshua and Rina off my back,' you took away my ship, my livelihood, my eyesight, and tried to take my life. Good plan," Nika shot back.
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"Three days and you don't see me and that wasn't a clue? Besides, you ain't their momma. If they're grown up enough to play, then they were grown up enough to take the hits." Another mirthless snort escaped her. "Plan sucked, Nika. I wanted Rina to get the gut punch and for Joshua to understand that sometimes fixing something is worse than just leaving it alone. Instead, they seem as happy as larks together and you were the one who got bent over and abused. But for the record, I didn't try to take your life." She braced for the response, turning to study the blonde woman. Still beautiful and still proud. She gave an inner sigh. Too proud to let her pay for the medical costs of repairing those remarkable eyes? She didn't know. She hoped not; whether or not she would have to contact her father for more money would be her only question besides whether or not Nika would even take the offer from Kiera to pay for whatever it took to get her sight back. If necessary, she talk to the woman's doctors herself behind her back to get them to refer Nika to whichever experts that they recommended. It would be covered, no question. No matter what it cost her personally or in favors to her father.
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Nika shakes her head and says, "Three days in your room means to me that you wanted privacy. Nothing more. And I had no reason to believe that you were being harassed by my XO and my engineer. And instead of letting me deal with the gorram situation, you pretty much went off the deep end. Taking someone's ship isn't a gut punch when you're not rich, Keira." Her tone was once more back to neutral. "You're not the only person who lives with regrets that you'd rather other people not know about. You're not the only person who's ever done something awful they had to live with." Nika's had her share of both. "But at least you know the plan sucked. I suppose that's something."
She turns her back on Keira once more, looking blindly -- literally -- out over the landscape that she grew up on. Her jaw clenches. "And by the way? Grown-ups? They don't take the livelihood of four people away because they're pissed off at one of them or two of them. As to the fact that you haven't bothered to apologize? Yes, I'd noticed. Just like I notice that for some reason I can't quite fathom, my engineer's decided that your overreaction was forgivable. I'm blind, not deaf. But for future reference? Saying that you're sorry for abysmal behavior is a good start on making amends. Having to be told that saying you're sorry is a good start negates any apology you might consider making in my direction right now."
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If a stare could have been felt, then the green eyes would have burned her. "You wouldn't have believed me if I said I was sorry. I did that night I got you all on the mule. You didn't believe it then. You've as much as said that it means shit to you now. So, you're right; why say it all?" She shrugged, a tight smile on her lips. "Guess crazy childish people like me screw over grown-ups like you. Revenge is very much more sedate and common sense in your world. I grew up where you ruined a man over lunch, broke him and his company because it suited you and your company. I would have helped you get another ship or get the Gift back. I'm not without means. But yeah, guess it's hard to figure out why I did what I did if you weren't me. What's sad is that I'm still not sorry I did it. I'm sorry that I didn't realize what a crazed madman Potemkin was. I'm sorry that you all suffered. I'm sorry that the Gift is gone forever. I'm sorry that your damn eyes are gone. But I'm not sorry that you've got a better, bigger ship. I'm not sorry that Potemkin is dead. And I'm not sorry that I found you guys again. That's the one thing that I thought I 'd be sorry about. Should I be rethinking that?"
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If she wanted to goad Nika, Keira's getting her wish. Because the blonde turns on her with a blazing rage. "And that. right. there. is why I don't honestly believe you're sorry, Keira! Because you're not sorry. You don't even get why what happened is wrong. You give Joshua shit about being an idealist, but you know what? So am I in that regard -- I try to deal with people on the up and up. And you told me that if you ever had a problem or decided our purposes didn't suit that you would gorram well talk to me about it before you did anything. And instead you sold us out. You want revenge on Rina? Fine. But how the gorram hell do you go from 'I hate Rina and want revenge on her and Joshua' to 'let's fuck over the person whose done the best she could to be your gorram friend'? How do you get there, Keira? Did you think that because you could buy me another ship or could maybe buy the Gift out from under after you sold us out that it would somehow square you and me? Because no -- I don't understand that. That is so gorram far outside my realm of understanding that it might as well be Yiddish. You lied to my face. And you took not just my ship, my home, you also took the only thing that ever held a gorram bit of meaning for me. You took the Black, Keira. You grounded me."
Disgusted at the way her voice broke, at the hot rush of tears, Nika reached up to viciously wipe them off her face, unwilling to give Keira those too.
---
And there it was. That was the knife that Kiera feared lurked in Nika's emotional weaponry. Friendship betrayed. Her soul wrenched and for a bitter moment, she was happy that Nika couldn't see how deeply she had just wounded her. The Black gone. . .no, that was just a matter of time. Kiera would find a way for that to happen again. Maybe in the rustic backwaters of the Universe Nika's injuries were permanent, but she'd find a way for that to be repaired. But that the woman had considered her a friend. She swallowed as a wave of emotion poured through her with nauseating power. She waited long moments to regain her composure, allowing Nika time to gain her own control. It didn't work. At length, she inhaled and whispered, "Damn you Nika! Why the hell did you want to be my friend anyway? I would have thought that you of anybody would have know better." Her eyes were burning and her breath was coming hard. "Money might get you the Black again. I have that. But I don't have the gut to handle that you had gorram faith in me." Her breath caught in her throat and she whispered another curse in Chinese. "What the hell? Why'd you ever trust me?"
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Her rage had a pure, incandescent quality to it that burned away some of the despair for now. "Why wouldn't I trust you, Keira?" she shouted. "You walked on board my ship, you kept your side business from causing me any trouble whatsoever, and you backed us every step of the way whenever we ran into trouble. Why the gorram hell wouldn't I expect you to live up to your promise to talk to me? Why wouldn't I have faith in you when you dealt square with me every step of the way up until you handed to me a man who wanted to torture me??" she demanded. Those eyes, their expression blank because they no longer tracked where it was she was actually looking, were empty in the scowl of her face.
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Kiera stared at the blank eyes, her heart pounding so hard that she thought it would explode. "Maybe because I didn't know that he wanted to torture you?" she yelled back. "If I was so gorram straight and honest with you that you trusted me, why don't you believe me when I say that I didn't know what the hell he had in mind?" She turned and punched the fence, knowing that it would hurt, but the pain felt good, so very good that she punched it with her other hand. "I didn't know that Potemkin would do that to you. I was as honest with you as I could be. But I wasn't ever gonna go to you to tell you that I was so mad at Rina and Joshua that I was gonna stand by and let your ship be taken. Could I have told you that it would happen? Sure! Would it have changed anything much? No! Potemkin was taking the Gift back come hell or high water. If I had been on it with ya, would any of this happened? Well, yeah Nika! 'Cus ya'll killed his brother and shamed him by taking his ship. I kept my mouth shut and demanded that you all not be hurt. That was the extent of my involvement. If that wasn't straight with you, then damn, I'm human and I was mad."
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The fact that they were shouting at one another in the paddock next to the house was drawing eyes. Some curious, some wary. Awareness of that, however, was lost on the blind woman in her anger. In truth, for all she cared, they could be forming a circle waiting for the first punch to be thrown and laying down bets for all the attention she would have paid even if she could see. "You are still standing here justifying what you did to an entire group of people as reasonable because you were pissed at one or two members of the crew! How can you not see that it was overkill? How can you stand here and look at my face and still argue with me that it was the right way to get back at Rina and Joshua? How is it that you are so entirely self-centered that you think you being mad is a reasonable excuse to ruin two other people who had nothing to do with what you were pissed off at?? Are you entirely incapable of just flat out saying 'I'm sorry, Nika. I was wrong and I'm gorram sorry and I'll make it up to all of you'?" she demanded in a shriek that could be heard from the house to the barn.
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"I'd love to Nika, but gorram it, you as much told me not to!" Kiera hollared back. "I am sorry, you stubborn bitch! Sorry from the moment I watched you take off enough to leave the only man who has made me happy since I was with Allan to chase you all down in hopes of stopping Potemkin! Sorry enough that I've posted a message to my twice-cursed father to beg for money to pay for your god-forsaken eyes! Sorry enough that I've blown my trust fund to pay for y'alls medical bills. I'm sorry, Nika! Farking, aching every moment I have to look at you sorry! I don't know how to make it up to you and I'm sorry for that! I'm experiencing flavors of sorry that I've never dreamed of. But you told me that it's too late for sorry! So I'm sorry about that too!" She gave an inarticulate yell and then kicked the fence. "I'm a sorry person, Nika," she finally added, a bit calmer. "I'm a spoiled brat rich girl who has always gotten what she wanted. I've always been able to get out of whatever trouble I was in with my nose clean and everything intact 'cus I didn't give a rat's ass about anybody. I did once and swore I'd never feel that way again. I let myself like you guys. And look what happened. I'm no good for nobody. I'll pack my things and go. I'll forward the money to you for your eyes to your sister here." Sighing, she gave a small smile. "It was a pleasure knowing you, Nika. And an honor."
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Well, that right there sends Nika's hand flashing out to slap the bejeezus out of Keira. "Stupid bi," she snapped. "You pack that bag and run away again, and I swear to every deity in the Verse, I'm gonna put my boot so far up your ass that your gorram grandchildren are gonna be tasting cow-dung tainted shoe leather!"
With her face flushed with anger and shaking with the urge to throw a real punch, Nika for the first time has the spark back. "And I'm not tellin' you I forgive you. I don't care about your gorram money. What I care about is that you even give a crap enough to try to make it up to me. You are a sorry person, and right about now I ain't got it in me to forgive you this," she admitted in a quieter tone. "Maybe I'll get there, maybe I won't. But if you run away, you little coward, I guess you ain't ever going to know for sure, are you?"
Breathing heavily, Nika leaned back on the fence and said softly, "I killed my brother-in-law. Larry's brother. My sister's first husband. Things still ain't... quite right. But I keep on tryin' to make 'em that way because it matters, Keira. So if it matters to you, stick it out. If it don't, then go on and go."
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There was silence as her answer for a long time, but no footsteps. Only the sound of breathing, first quick and then soft and slow. Finally, a hand caught hers and pressed it to a cheek. It was wet and flushed, warm to the touch. Kiera's voice came soft and strained. "I'd give you my eyes if I could Nika. I can't. I want to make it up to you and hell yes you are taking my filthy money. I'm paying for the best doctors that I know of until you can see again. I'm here to crawl the long mile until all of you forgive or at least forget what I did. I ain't going nowhere." She released Nika's hand and brushed back a blond lock of hair from her face. "I'm sorry you had to kill someone you knew. It's hard. Harder than someone as nice as you should have to deal with. I shoulda come to you to talk, but I didn't know we shared that in common. It would have helped. But I'll be here, Nika. I'll be here until you drive me away."
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She resisted slightly as her hand was captured and pressed to Keira's cheek. Nika didn't want to feel sorry for the other woman. She had too much sorry in her for herself right now. She physically flinched as Keira pushed the long locks of hair off her forehead. "Yeah. It is hard. And of all the things I've done in my life, that one still gives me nightmares." She pulled away from Keira's touch, retreating just a bit along the fence with a hand on the top rail to guide her. "And since I'm not in the mood to bond with you right now, I think that's about all of the nightmares of mine you get to know about." Her expression went neutral once more. "You do what you gotta do, Keira. We'll see what shakes out." It's not forgiveness. Not even close. But it's perhaps a small start as the blonde once more turns her back on the redhead to look toward a sky she can't see.
To read more on Nika or Kiera, go to Nika's Crew Page or Kiera's Crew Page
Go back to: Timeline Season Four, April 2521 to Dec 2521
