Forgotten Freedom:14
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Kithle: Seriously, Hoybee, magic missiles away. I'm immune now.
Hoybee: Ooookay, but you asked for it. Magic missile *shakazoom*, ahh dammit, again with the lightning bolt.
Kithle: I don't care, I'm still immune, yay!
Ketler: (from behind Kithle) *COUGH* Good for you, bastard. Excuse me, I need to see Mickey now.
Elemental: You know, John, you still got a nuke for today.
John: Please don't remind of that abomination I carry.
Elelmental: You're pretty prissy for someone who gets so much power. I didn't even get a name and I'm having a better time than you.
Squishy: I don't believe it that Changeling hasn't come after me for almost an hour. I almost feel sorry for the poor bum who lasts that long. Anyways, Tabitha, where are the records for the last week? It's payday tomorrow.
Tabitha: On top of the left cabinet, be careful I think the ninjas have been messing with them.
Jarlot: Well, now that our enemies are defeated for a time, we can go back to normal.
Cool Cthulhu *from hiding*: Whew.
Jarlot: Of course, all of this is Cool Cthulhu's fault.
Cool Cthulhu: !
John: What? How is it his fault?
Jarlot: He's tentacle-y and eldritch! Of course its his fault!
John: That's racist!
Jarlot: Quiet, spiky, or I'll keelhaul you!
John: I'm the keel!
Jarlot: Okay... new rules based on recent behavior at the Throneport Music festival.....
(Cold orb to the back of the head)
Jarlot: DAMN THAT'S COLD.
Crew breaks out into a snow war again.
Jarlot: Where do they get the snow?
Kithle: Same place Chalky gets his art supplies and Norbaz gets ingredients for chili. We steal from the Labs on board, just like when you go looking for drink additives. Now if you'll excuse me... Hey Pholly, eat frozen comet swarm.
The scene cuts back to Naz'roth and Sa'vor, who are still floating in the astral plane.
Sa'vor: So if we survived do you think Ullzul survived too?
Naz'roth: Possibly.
Sa'vor: So then what do we do now anyways?
Naz'roth: We are at a bit of an impasse. Without any supplies it could take quite a while to find a way out of here...
A massive flash of light suddenly appears in front of Sa'vor and Naz'roth, forming a small multicolored tear in space.
Sa'vor: Would you look at that! Some sort of planar rift or portal. Do you think we should go through it?
Naz'roth: We might as well. I'm sure nothing good can come out of it, but it has to be another plot device so we'll end up going through it no matter what.
The rift suddenly drifts forward swallowing up Sa'vor and Naz'roth. They come to shortly after in a strange tunnel, sitting in a boat which is propelled by an unseen force.
Sa'vor: Where are we now? Xoriat, Dal Quor, some other terrible plane?
Naz'roth: No, worse.
Sa'vor: Worse? What could be worse?
Naz'roth: Disney World... (music begins playing in the background "It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small, small world...")
Jarlot: Well, at least we've managed to survive this long. I can't wait to get some port time.
Batman: Agreed.
Jarlot: Man, will they have some egg on their face if they ever find out you're around.
Batman: I am the Night.
Jarlot: Yes, you are. Hey, remember how we met?
[look for 'Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny if you can. Should be on NewGrounds somewhere]
Kithle: No Frakking way. Die. *shlcshlcshlcshlc*
In a generic Tavern called the 'Welcome Wench', not unlike the Mos Eisley Cantina, in an isolated port on the far-flung coast of Xen'drik, a horde of crazy, weirdo airship crewmen (and crewwomen) drank, sang, brawled, bragged about their recent deeds of daring-do and blowing **** up.
Then the Forgotten Freedom's Crew turned up...
Tabitha: Squishy, why don't we give Allen a pay check and what is this unlabeled sum in the out box.
Squishy: The money is for Scravinch, an Avolakia friend of mine, he said that he was sending over a powerful undead slave to help us out and I assume Allen is him. After all, that slave was the only undead much less vampire that I have on record as being invited aboard, and don't vampires need to be invited?
Allen walks out of the shadows, wearing a bright white shirt and leather pants, taking his paycheck from Squishy.
"Thank you very much, wonderful Squishy. And don't worry about me at all, I'll come here to get it myself, you don't have to bother yourselves." He says cheerfully, in the tones of someone who sounds completely innocent of anything wrong he could have possibly been accused of.
Kithle and Kanatash are below decks on the Forgotten Freedom playing darts with a redshirt... as a target...
Kithle: (telepathically) So, why did you ask me to come here?
Kanatash: (also telepathically) Well I have never had a chance to really talk with you before, with all the crazy **** thats been going on around here. I like to get to know all the new crew members, now normally "getting to know" a crew member involves Brain lock, a dark room, mental probing, and memory erasing but since you are at least as good at mind reading as I am you would be able to block my attempts so I had to go about it another way.
Kithle: Fine. I wouldn't mind asking a few questions about you either. To begin with, what do you call this game?
Kanatash: This? Doog came up with a while back. I don't think he came up with a name for it. The rules are simple (points towards redshirt tied to a spinning target). I call a limb and try to hit it with one of these darts. If I hit, you try to hit the limb. If you hit, I call another limb and go again. If you miss, I get one point and get to go again. If I miss, you get to call a limb. The game ends when the redshirt goes unconscious.
Kithle: Fine, since you invited me I'll go first. LEG! (hurls a dart, impaling the redshirt's leg)
Redshirt: MY LEG! YOU SHOT MY BLOODY LEG!
Kanatash: Good shot. First I was wondering how you retained some of your memories after the illithid transformation. From my experience with illithids the host's mind is destroyed. (telekinetically throws a dart and strikes the redshirt's leg)
Redshirt: DEAR SWEET JAELA! MY OTHER LEG!
Kithle: Its an odd story. I had a talent at mimicry from an early age, and when they implanted the tadpole I mimicked its thoughts, which confused it something awful. Eventually it stopped eating my brain, so the transformation is really somewhat incomplete. ARM! (impales the redshirt's arm)
Redshirt: PLEASE, GODS! NO MORE!
Kanatash: Interesting. So which one is in control? The tadpole or the human? (fires and misses redshirt's arm) ****
Redshirt: Oh, whatever god was listening, thank you! THANK YOU!
Kithle: Neither. Both minds have more or less fused together over time. Now for my question. Is it true that this ship visited the motherland of Xoriat earlier? HAND! (throws and misses redshirt's hand)
Redshirt: (crying) ThankyouThankyouThankyou. No more pain…
Kanatash: HA! My turn! Yes the ship visited Xoriat a while back. I had made an ill-fated attempt on control of the ship and implanted a few "suggestions" in the captain's mind so even after I was defeated he ended up taking the ship to Xoriat with some strange device. HAND (takes off the redshirt's middle finger)
Redshirt: AHHH! MY FINGER!
Kithle: Really. Is it all they say it is? (strikes the target between two of the redshirt's fingers) ****
Redshirt: (gasping) Okay, keep breathing. Just keep breathing.
Kanatash: Oh yes and much more. The crew didn't experience much of it on their brief trip but before I joined the crew I aCool Cthulhuidentally planeshifted myself there and spent several hundred years there. Words cannot describe the perfection of its madness. What I do on this ship is really only a pale imitation. FOOT (Impales the redshirt's foot)
Redshirt: …whimper…
Kithle: Pity I didn't join this crew earlier. I would have liked to see Xoriat. (slices several toes of the redshirts foot)
Redshirt: … mommy…
Kanatash: I do have some connections among the ranks of deranged ones. I might be able to arrange a short vacation of a sort, although it would be difficult. HEAD (strikes the redshirt in the middle of the forehead)
Redshirt: gluega… (slumps forward, unconscious)
Kithle: Looks like he's out cold. Does that me we tie?
Kanatash: Yes I believe it does.
Kithle: So what do we do with the body? I expect that eventually Lisa or the captain will have to notice the redshirts missing.
Kanatash: That's the beauty of the game. I modified Doog's version slightly. You see, these darts are specially enchanted by Kelter with the merciful ability and a special illusion power. The darts are incapable of doing lethal damage but it deceives the victim into believing they are suffering garish wounds. Now we just dump him back in the redshirt quarters and he will wake up tomorrow feeling terrible with a horrible memory that he can't distinguish between his dreams and reality.
Kithle: Hm, an excelent mix of psychological and physical torture. Wait, someone's coming. I think it's Lisa, let me shield us so she doesn't find us.
Kanatash: No. wait. I want her to find us.
Kithle: Okay... But if you're trying to screw me over, I eat your brain and get some of your powers.
Lisa: (noticing the darts and the redshirt’s slumped form) What manner of evil is being perpetrated here!? (grips warhammer tightly)
Kanatash: Don’t bother wasting one of you uses of smite evil on me.
Lisa: (not letting go of the hammer) Oh? And why not?
Kanatash: Well besides the 50% miss chance it would be doing nothing to reduce the evil in the universe because since I have been tainted by the Daelkyr I have no more control over my evil nature than the Daelkyr themselves. You would be just taking out conflicting emotions at your questionable actions on an external target. Most unpaladin like behavior.
Lisa: (lowering the hammer slightly) My questionable actions?
Kanatash: Oh yes. Since you became part of this crew you have fallen far. I’ve been inside your mind and there are too many infractions to name, really. A few of your sins bear naming. We’ll start with the Pride coming from feeling yourself better than anyone else on the crew because of your abstract beliefs. Wrath springs from all your anger at the crew for their actions, even though a fair number of them have some deeper nature which drives their actions that is beyond their control. Then there is Envy of those in Thrane who live every day with the blessing of the church and Gluttony for the blessings and praises passed out by the clergy of the Silver Flame. Oh, Sloth, since it has been months the last time you sat down to pray to the Silver Flame for any reason other than to regain your daily spells, and you don’t do latrine duty even when you are scheduled. Plus Greed, as you so nicely demonstrated with your help on the bank job, since even if you claim you helped so you could take down Sa’vor, you still didn’t oppose us when we cleaned out the vault and even took your share of holy artifacts. Finally buried deep, deep within you is the spark of Lust. Specifically for Michael, even though you know that he is probably the most despicable member of this crew because he does all his evil of his own free will with none of the supernatural tendencies or extraplanar manipulations that encourage most of the other crew members. There you have it, all seven deadly sins in one handy package. Face it, after all, the bounty on your head is bigger than Doog's, you should just start taking blackgaurd levels right now.
Lisa: (looks at her hands as if they are diseased) I need to think… and pray. I need to pray a lot. (runs from the room)
Kithle: (giving Kanatash a sly look) That was planned, wasn’t it.
Kanatash: I’ve been preparing for months. By the way if you try anything with me I make you wish you had never been born/spawned. I’ve been on this flying madhouse for a lot longer than you have and I have certain “contingencies” in place that will ensure that I’ll come back to return whatever you do to me a thousandfold.
Kithle: I’ll keep that in mind. Anyway, (smiling broadly) mindgames are fun, aren’t they?
Kanatash: They’re the only type of game worth playing.
Kithle: Of course, by the way have you ever tried coupling them with the modify memory spell? I’ve found its effects particularly pleasing.
Kanatash: I’ve thought of it but never tried it. Care to expand upon your experiences with it?
Fade to black
Slip: You think Kanatash still thinks that he’s in control of the ship?
Captain Jarlot: Yeah, those whose whole “muhahahhaha” evil guys never learn.
Slip: You have to admit that he really did get you good.
Captain Jarlot: Unfortunately, he made one mistake.
Slip: What’s that?
Captain Jarlot: He didn’t get me permanently.
Slip: So what are you going to do?
Captain Jarlot: There’s one thing you have to understand about the Forgotten Freedom, Slip.
Slip: It has caused more damage to Eberron in totality than probably any single force other than the Dragons or Daelkyr?
Captain Jarlot: Two things, then. The second is related to the first. At heart, Slip, we’re not the bad guys.
Slip: You could have fooled me.
Captain Jarlot: Very funny. I built this ship when I stole it from House Lysander…
Slip: Built and stole are contradictory….
Captain Jarlot: Slip, do you want to go back to being the Captain’s mistress?
Slip: And have to share quarters with Marish!? NEVER!
Captain Jarlot: Then don’t interrupt. This ship isn’t built on evil. It’s sure as hell not built on good. But it’s built on Freedom. This is a ship where people are allowed to be themselves. Twinks, Munchkins, Overly complicated backgrounds, Power Gamers, Monty Haul players, blatant ripoffs of popular media, hack and slashers, Rules Lawyers, and every other type of adventurer that exists in Eberron. They’re all welcome here because we make no judgments about the way they choose to live their life. What I don’t tolerate onboard this ship is people who deliberately set out to ruin other people’s lives.
Slip: You keep a Paladin and an Anti-Paladin onboard.
Captain Jarlot: Neither is going to win awards for their sterling example of proper behavior, Slip. I’ve protected this ship from a lot of people who’ve tried to take it over before….
4 years ago On the Deck of the Forgotten Freedom
Kellog the Rakshasa laughed maniacally as he revealed his true form while clutching Marish across the throat with his clawed hands “You fools! You honestly believe that the Lords of Dust would ever allow you to continue on your merry way? We’ve been watching you this entire time! You’ve been our tools all along to sew anarchy and misfortune across the lands of Khorvaire!”
Marish winced and cried “No… please…”
Kellog sneered as the Tiger man held a jeweled dagger to her face. “Now it's time for you to realize that you are nothing more than slaves to our will. You’ll work now to destroy others for the glories of the Rajahs and you’ll beg for when I give you the release of death after I’m done with you.”
Andrea turned to the Captain who stood there stoically and said “What are we going to do?”
Jarlot, having just come out to get his morning coffee, took out his blessed crossbow and shot the Demon in the face. The Lord of Dust fell over and exploded into netherworld flames as he returned to the darkness he came from.
Marish said “How did you know to use a blessed crossbow?”
Jarlot said “I knew he was a Rakshasa all along…. but he was the best damn cook that we ever had.”
Slip: Is that true?
Jarlot: Surprisingly yes, but when she asked, I actually said ”I’m Batman” and started a whole trend.
Slip: Have their been other occasions?
Jarlot: A few….
2 years ago On the Deck of the Forgotten Freedom
Errandis D’Vol cackled as the Lich Queen held Marish in her desiCool Cthulhuated arms while the hideous undead witch had brought them over the side of the greatest volcano in all of Eberron.
“You blithering fool!” Errandis D’Vol sneered. “Did you actually believe for a second that I was a mere Aereneal elf!? I have been aboard this ship this entire time in preparation for the day that I would reveal myself! With the sacrifice of all the lives taken onboard this ship, I will use them to awaken the Dragonmark of Death and once more bring a nightmare of horror onto the world!”
Marish winced and cried “No… please…”
Ketler stared at the Captain who stood there stoically and said “What are we going to do?”
Captain Jarlot then pushed one of the levers as the trapdoor underneath Vol dropped out and hideous witch fell down into the fiery chasm where her present body was utterly destroyed.
Marish said “How did you know to build a trapdoor there?”
Captain Jarlot said “I knew she was Errandis D’Vol the entire time…but she was the best damn swabby we ever had.”
Slip: Is that true?
Jarlot: Suprisingly yes but the trapdoor was really Ketler’s idea and Vol wasn’t the swabby. She took on a comely elven form and…
Slip: …..?
Jarlot: Was the best damn ROPE tier we ever had!
Slip: So what are you going to do?
Jarlot: I’m going to protect my boat.
Slip Don't... hurt him too much.
Jarlot: I'm just going to remind him that when it comes to Chaos in Khorvaire, I am King.
Kithle: This will be fun.
Allen: What?
Kithle: Ah newbie, my advice, get a helmet.
Allen: What the?
Kithle: You'll see.
Elemental: He means it's about to hit the fan.
Allen: What's about to?
John: There will be much pain and suffering.
Allen: What under Syberis is everyone going on about.
Kithle: I'm not telling.
Allen, John, Elemental: Bastard.
Kithle: I love my job.
On main deck, Kanatash, Kithle and Dooj are dragging off another unconcious redshirt, and Jarlot begin his mind games...
Jarlot: "Okay, everyone listen up! I'm going to let Ketler make the ENTIRE SHIP sentient!"
Everyone else: !?!
Jarlot: "Just kidding!"
Another Forgotten Freedom game...
Kanatash: Sooo, Dooj, what's this one? I mean, the spinning redshirt dartboard was a stroke of psychotic genius, but how do you top that?
Dooj: Uh, don't look at me. Michael thought of it.
Lisa readies her hammer.
Michael: It's quite simple. We give Stoopid a tower shield.
Stoopid picks up his shield and nods stupidly.
Michael: Then we get a redshirt, standing on the edge of the deck, like so...
Michael grabs a handy redshirt, who takes one look at stoopid with the shield, the edge of the airship, and nearly faints when he figures it out.
Michael: Lastly, we get Hoybee and Squinty the near-sighted Gauth to levitate about 60ft off the bow.
Hoybee and Squinty take up positions.
Kanatash: I believe I've figured it out, thanks. But what do we do?
Michael: Nothing. This is just a specator sport. Betting starts at 1:40 Hoybee, 1:14.7 Squinty. Go ahead Stoopid
Stoopid bull-rushes the redshirt off the deck, screaming and cartwheeling through the air while Hoybee and Squinty fire spell after spell at it.
Redshirt: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!
One round before hitting the ground, the Quall's Feather token Michael planted on the redshirt earlier activates and he touches down safely.
Dooj: I'll never get tired of that.
Kanatash: And you're not afraid the blind duo are going to hit them?
Michael: Are you?
"Anyone who would try to stand against the captain would have to be completely insane. He has to have some kind of incredible strength hidden, how else would he have a crew this large and powerful?" Allen says.
John: Ummm... Actually the captain survives on account that he stays drunk most of the time and is thus the least of evils. Most of the big bad evil crew are at each other's throats most of the time.
Ajihazi: Maaarish!
Marish: What wrong sweetums?
Ajihazi: Michael stole my lunch money.
Marish: Look, honey, we don't have lunch money here, we get free food.
Ajihazi: Sniffle... WAAAAAA...gluh... What's going on?
Marish: I'm not quite sure.
Ajihazi: I think that I'm on the trail of the trouser titan.
Marish: Oh, really.
Ajihazi: I've enlisted Klaz's help. He knows a lot about titans.
Klaz: Doog?
Doog: What?! Can't you see I'm busy here?
Klaz: Crikey! Is that... Squinty?
Doog: Nah... This is one of the normal redshirts polymorphed. We're going to see if he can seduce Squinty, or failing that, make his pimples pop.
Klaz: Oh, sounds like fun... I was polymorphed once...
Doog: Get out!
Klaz: I was a Spanish poodle for twenty four hours. I got a lot of good views, mate! *pathetically roguish wink*
Doog: Ha.
Klaz: Well, anyway, the reason I came over was cuz Ajihazi asked me somethin...
Doog: Khyber, not that freakish psychopath...
Klaz: He's bloody obsessed with your, ah, "trouser titan", mate.
Doog: Tell me something I don't know...
Ketler: Hey! You two! Help me with this awakened bathtub! It's trying to commit suicide!
Ketler: Come on!
Norbaz: No.
Ketler: Think of the advances!
Norbaz: No.
Ketler: It would make your job so much easier!
Norbaz: No.
Ketler: It's just awakening all your pots and cooking utensils.
Norbaz: Exactly, I prefer to cook alone, and besides. They'd have to live with holding my cooking, and that's just not something I think is right.
Ketler: But you're evil.
Norbaz: I'm also a man who cares about the tools of his craft.
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