Forgotten Freedom:4
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Upon seeing the latest addition to the crew Michael pondered "The new guy... His name is Bruce, lost a lot of people, hates crime and bad people, is good at fighting and extensive martial arts training, but isn't Asian... OH SWEET HELL!!!! IT'S BATMAN!!!!!" Doog leans forward from his sitting position and thumps Michael over the head with his Chain of Command. "You know the rules, don’t let the captaian hear that, we can spring it on him later when we mutiny." The Captain comes from behind taking the chain and begins using it on both of them.
“Attention all crew” Jarlot calls out from in front of the door to his cabin. “I will shoot you if you leap in the air and shout Shoryuken!”
(A gunshot rips trhough the air almost before he finishes his sentence.)
“Now that Bruce Ki is dea...”
"I'm not quite dead yet."
(Jarlot looks down, fires a second shot and turns back to the crew.)
“Getting back to business. With...”
“You shot me! You shot me in the arm!” Bruce covers the wound as blood begins to coat the deck.
“Oh for Flame's sake... Doog some help here with Vera? V? Michael? Yes.. take those bats.”
“Ki healing has almost healed me of my wounds. I am alive... but very badly burned.”
“Now you will see a demonstration of what I like to call Martian Law.” Jarlot nods to the crew with bats.
(*WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK*)
“Now that is resolved....”
“Don't... you mean... Martial... Law?” Bruce continues despite the numorous wounds covering his body.
“Sir Deimos... Sir Phobos... beat Ki's ass some more.”
(*WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM*)
“By the Flame Knights of Mars, I said SOME more. He's barely alive enough to kill.” Not to terribly concerned, Jarlot shrugs and continues. “Now by the law of the Sacred Red Planet, I am declaring this day to be JARLOT day and further myself to be married to Queen Aurala as well as Emperor of all Galifar, Sarlona, Xen'drick, and Argonessan. May all tremble before my mighty reign!”
Pausing to take a breath. “No, all of these years in this hellhole surrounded by a crew that doesn't respect me haven't driven me totally insane. Why do you ask?”
Staring off into what seems to be nothing. “What, mother? What? But I don't want to kill them!”
The crew stares at their obviously delirious captian. He notices their odd looks and continues.
“Of course my mother is here. I'm talking to her right now.”
Looking even more confused he begins to ramble. “I told you I'd shoot, you old *****! Why didn't you believe me! WHYYYYY!?”
“Attention, crew of the Forgotten Freedom” a voice recognizable as Ketler carries over mysteriously unnoticable loudspakers. “Until Captain Jarlot recovers from what V describes to be "The destruction of his precious bodily fluids by a Red Karrnathian commie conspiracy through the application of fluoride to his drinking water..." we shall be temporarily under the command of the first mate.”
A slight hiss of static and some voices are heard in the background.
“What do you mean we don't have a first mate?”
“He killed the first mate? What about the second mate? YOU guys killed him. Uh... huh.”
There is a slight pause.
“Oh crap. I guess the Captain is still in command then...”
As various crew members check in with the captain his ravings continue throughout the day.
“Did they tell you why you were sent to terminate my command?”
“So they said that I'd gone irrevocably insane did they?”
“You're not a soldier. You're a messenger boy filling our a grocery list.”
“And you don't see any method do you? HA!”
“The drums....the DRUMMMMSSSSS.”
Later in the day after the failure of non-existent speakers to broadcast a sign is hung on the captain's door.
ATTENTION CREW OF THE FORGOTTEN FREEDOM
Indications may be that it is better to just lock the Captain up with a bottle of Captain Morgan for a few days and a few Sarlonan hookers. Maybe a catgirl who isn't an insufferable part of the crew... Yes, I'm talking to you, Marish! No one understands my beauty because of you distracting them! I'll turn you into snow or seven notes of music, *****!
-Andrea
The ranting continues and some of the crew go so far as to feed his delusions.
“Every Jarlot Dollar I print up in my printing press today will be worth 5 Brelish Sovereigns once we've kidnapped their King.”
“I think the Food Court should be bigger in Jarlotopolis.”
“I hoped to face The Lord of Blades face-to-face on the battlefield, where we could engage each other in respectful combat. Then I would snap his spine. But why? Why do they still call me a warlord? And mad? All I want to do is to create the perfect warforged soldier. Not for power, not for evil, but for good. Stupid will be the first of thousands. They will march out of my laboratory and crush every adversary, every creed, every nation! Until the world is in the loving grip of the Pax Jarlotia. And peace will reign and all humanity will bow to me in humble gratitude.”
“That was beautiful, sir.” Stupid comments while taking his turn watching over the captian.
“Stupid is also promoted to ruler of Breland when the Revolution comes.”
“YES, the REVOLUTION THAT WILL BE SOON!”
Later when Ketler takes over for Stupid.
“Ketler, I command you to build me a laser gun on the moon! I shall call it... a DEATH STAR!”
“Right Darth.” Ketler replies, not even trying to hide the sarcasm in his voice.”
“Why do I want a Death Star? To blow up Eberron, of course!”
“Why do we want to blow up Eberron? Where we live.”
“Silence Varlet! I'm doing the talking here! Build me a machine that will make diamonds!”
“I thought you wanted a Death Star.”
“Now I want both!”
At this Ketler gives up and lets some more random crew take over. His rants continue varying in topic.
“Preparation A through G were complete failures, but Preparation H is a success!”
“Why is everyone talking about the Gelatinous Cube in the bathroom now?”
“Why would we codename Preparation H Operation Ice cream?”
“Oh you didn't say Ice cream.”
“3827 isn't the number of the garbage compactor and R2 can't save Luke in time!”
“NO I don't expect you to talk! I EXPECT YOU TO DIE!”
“BEHOLD MY NEWEST WAR MACHINE! 10,000 CLONED JAELAS!”
V runs aound on deck screaming, “JAELA'S FOR ALL!!! YAY!!!!”
They begin to warn each other as the shifts change with often confusing instructions like…
“Do not make fun of the captain's madness, if you want to live.”
“There will be no further attempts to drive him sane through means that would drive a sane person mad. Examples: Spells to induce insanity, leaving him in the mad wood of Areneal, or making him look into a scrying pool keyed to Xoriat.”
Some of the senior crew meets after obtaining a requsite for additional pay.
“A fortnight's extra pay to the crewman who can think of an ethical way to deal with the clone Jaela situation.”
“Keelhauling will be the punishment for those of you to say what I know you're thinking in regards to the previous rule… V…”
Even more rules are passed by the crew to protect them if the captian eventually recovers from his current condtion.
“Making the captain dress in a pink frilly tutu is forbidden while he is insane.”
“While he is asleep he still counts as being insane, in regards to the previous ruling.”
“The cooky is not allowed to use a desiccating weapon to make jerky... again... there are still broken jaws left over from the last time.”
“You can't take sol credit for the captain's madness- It was a team effort, so we all deserve the glory.”
“Selling tickets to the see the captain being crazy for 5 silver a pop is banned… It's one gold a ticket!”
“Due to the captain's poor health, Michael's weekly mutiny plans will be postponed until further notice. It just isn’t as funny without him...”
“Even though he is crazy now, we can't convince the captain he is Batman… but it would be cool if he split up like Two Face!”
“Ketler! Fetch the acid!”
“We are going to at least ATTEMPT to cure Captain Jarlot… but not until we milk this for all its worth”
“If the captain asks about these additions to the list, blame the warforged”
In another part of the ship, Kanatash strokes a red and black eyeball on the back of his hand as it weeps purple blood.
“The first step have been taken, oh deranged ones. Their leader has been... converted.”
The eyeball shifts colors wildly as millions of tiny spiders crawl out through the pupil and form words in the air in front of the eye. “Excellent, soon the veil of reality shall be torn asunder and the great truth shall be revealed.”
Finally, after much time and general disorder, Captain Jarlot returns to the deck to speak with the crew.
“After a relaxing stay in Arkham Asylum in Gotham City... oh what was that? Sorry, Sharn, I am fully capable of resuming my duties as Captain.”
Turning his back he continues to talk. “Hehehehe...the fools. Do they not realize I have gazed into the Abyss that has granted me the power of the Dragon Below and shall consume all in a storm of wrath and HELLFIRE?”
“Hahahaha...and even better the Dragon Below doesn't realize that I have made a deal with Siberys to conquer reality after defeating her foes!”
“And after that... Here I come, Eberron!”
Hearing some mumbles from behind he glances over his shoulder.
“What do you mean turning my back doesn't mean you can't hear me?”
“SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! PEOPLE!”
“Oh yes, and the first duty on this ship is to point out that I should have pointed out those Jaela Clones are programmed to invincible ninjas who flip out and kill people for no reason?”
A redshirt hands him a piece of paper as he notices the poor attendance for his speech.
“Huh, 90% of the crew dead huh? Tough. Newlyweds and everything.”
“Oh yes and I've selected this to be our new mast.”
After the looks of surprise.
“Why yes, it's the head of a Daelkyr, why?”
“Oh, you're wondering where I got it? Well... honestly I don't know. Probably something to do with causing the Day of Mourning.”
“ Ignore my confession to that.”
“In any case, Number 1... ENGAGE.”
After a lack of response and more confused stares.
“What do you mean we don't have Warp Drive?”
“I forbade you from installing one? Damnit! I unforbid it!”
“In any case, where are all your people's cybernetics? What if Mister Johnson calls?”
“Oh sorry, I thought we were playing Shadowrun.”
V suddenly realizes that he is outnumbered and overpowered by the Jaelas and runs away from instead of towards them.
“Now Now, Ninja Jaela. It's not nice to stab V for being a pirate. I don't care if Pirates and Ninjas are mortal enemies.”
“By the way, a commendation to Doog who figured out that my insanity was caused by the Dreaming Dark and lured the Quori in question into Stupid where the sheer mindlessness of the Warforged utterly destroyed him. Have any words for us, Stupid?”
“I like Swords.” Stupid replys with a shrug.
Later that night, after the captian is returned to his cabin, at an urgent crew meeting.
Lisa: Alright every one, we are here to address the ninja Jaela problem
Others: Problem?
Lisa: YES! They killed most of the crew
Others: They deserved it! Who cares? They were ugly!
Marish: (Ignoring them) But they are distracting you from more important things! Like me! Meow!
Andrea: Or me. Damn Jaelas... as if the catgirl wasn’t bad enough.
Lisa: And V has locked himself in his quarters with a clone...
Andrea: Since the Captain still is recovering from his craziness, we don't know how to stop them. Any suggestions on how to deal with the problem.
Michael: Magically age them a couple of years!!
Bruce Ki: There are ninjas here? I didn’t notice.
Michael: Take off the blindfold, Batman. *under his breath* He even hates light, just like a bat...
Long Wang Hung: I think I have something here to deal with them...
Doog: *Points to pants* Same here! Hachachacha!
Lisa: Okay… what about the captain's problem?
Andrea: Well, if we kill him and turn him into a zombie he would be just fine.
Ketler: But he would smell!
Andrea: No worse than normal.
Michael: I got an idea.
Lisa: Does it involve alcohol?
Michael: Yyy-nn-ye- Is this a trick question?
Doog: Keelhaul him! That should drag some sanity out.
Quori: I know how to deal with this kind of problem. We... kitty...
Marish: Looking at Squishy could mess with his head!
Warforged: I tried to ask V. but he said something about Jaela and told me to go stick a wrench somewhere.
Michael: OKAY! I can call a friend! He knows all about this kinda stuff!
Andrea: Fine, leave!
Jam: Perhaps if I can focus my mighty powers...
Bolt Tooth Tony: Ah say weh beat him with sticks.
Michael: Okay! He's here!
Cool Cthulhu: Yo, what up. First make Michael interim captain.
Back in the captain’s room, Marish tends to his fever.
Jarlot: Who's standing in for me?
Marish: Well, we chose someone who had all of your morals and ideals.
Jarlot: "Morals"?
Marish: Yep. Or what you have instead of them.
(A sleeping blow dart hits Michael in the back)
(Ninja Jaela appears in a puff of smoke and begins to list new rules for the crew)
“As Captain, my first act is to ban assaults against Jaela Prime. Cuddle attacks are defined as assaults.”
“As Captain, the Ninja Gaiden theme will sound every time I walk.”
“There will be no jokes if I'm going to grow up just like Ayane from Dead or Alive. Or Mai Shiranui. Or CHUN LI.”
“Naruto has got nothing on me.”
“All Crew members are redefined as Ninja not pirates. No, not Ninja Pirates. NINJA. Ninjas is not the plural of Ninja.”
“I CAN TOO HOLD A FULL-SIZED KATANA! WATCH!”
(Lifts katana and falls over, trying to pull it out of the wood behind her)
“As Ninja we do not deliver pizza.”
“As Ninja we do not flip hamburgers.”
“Taste Giant Shuriken Perverts!”
(Throws huge shuriken)
“Now that V is dead...”
"I'm not dead yet."
“Oh for Pete's sake.”
While the struggle over power raged...
Dwarf lady: Oh, are you new here? Here have some soup, deary. And a sweater.
Cool Cthulhu: Thanks. Man, this ship is as insane as my nightmares...
Norbaz: There, enough knockout poison in each serving to drop a bullete, just set the tables with full soup bowls, ring the bell, and hope this can calm things down enough to sort things out.
(The ringing of the meal call bell echoes through the ship)
Norbaz waits in the closed off kitchen for the sounds of people succumbing to the soup with his Goliath Hammer (aka the Tenderizer) and his desiccating dagger. With these things he intends to handle the Ninja Jaela problem, and then hold the crew long enough for them to agree on someone better than Michael to be interim captain instead of this insanity... plus maybe enjoy chucking a few of the new redshirts that survived the Ninja Jaela assault overboard while unconscious.
Long Wang: So, yeah I’m kinda fond of the “Burning Knuckle Duster” myself.
Bruce Ki: I do not know this move
Bolt-Tooth Tony: uummm… hey….
Long Wang: Really? Okay what you do is focus your Ki in front of your fist…
Bruce Ki: Like this…?
Bolt-Tooth Tony: Um… hello…
Long Wang: Yeah, that’s good… then you strike at your opponent using it… the Ki will propel you at the schmuck and….
(Bolt-Tooth Tony smacks Bruce and Long Wang upside the back of their heads)
Bolt-Tooth Tony: HEY, YA CRAZY WANKERS!!!
Long Wang: ow..dude… did you just…?
Bolt-Tooth Tony: Good, now that ah have yer attention if you’d be so kind as to cast your dem icicle stares over there…
(Bruce And Long Wang reluctantly look at what Tony is pointing at)
Long Wang: Are those….?
Bruce Ki: …this is not good…
(Marish walks up)
Marish: What are you boys staring at all agape? It can’t be that good cause I’m over… oh boy…. this is not good…
Bruce Ki: Yeah, I already said that….
Marish: Great! Just fuzzy peachy!!! The Captain is a few Tacos short of a combo platter, we got little cute ninja clones of Jaela running around stealing all the attention, there’s a power struggle for control of the ship, and now… NOW…there are not one but TWO Aundarian airships closing in on us….just FUZZY PEACHY!!! Bolt-Tooth, tell whoever is pilo… TONY! Where are you going?
Bolt-Tooth Tony: To get mah repeating crossbows and to tell the pigs that suppers going to be ready soon….
Long Wang: Maybe we can catapult the Captain over to one of the ships. In his current state he would put the smack down…
Bruce Ki: Or maybe catapult a few Jaela clones…
Marish: We are not catapulting the Captain over there… I like the second idea though…
(Norbaz walks on deck and dumps a pile of very unconscious and some very dead ninja Jaela's on the ground. He begins to sort through them having heard the situation.)
Norbaz: Okay, live, live, dead, live, live, dead, live, dead... argh, so many. Okay, the live ones will make good ammo, just make sure you stuff these in their noses.
(Holds up tiny vial of smelling salts)
Norbaz: They'll break when the land, it'll hurt like a ***** and they'll be up in time to start laying waste to whatever is around them. And Marish, I have no idea how they are stealing your thunder, they're barely old enough to be aware of their own sexuality, besides, a lot of them are dead now anyway.
(Norbaz then picks up the ones of his haul that are dead and brings them to Andrea.)
Norbaz: Will these help stack your ranks of undead?
(Andrea sorts through the pile of dead ninja, separating them into two piles. Viable, reject, viable, viable, reject, reject, reject...)
Andrea: I'm keeping these, the rest can go back to the kitchen.
Norbaz: Usually it's against Galley policy to cook intelligent creatures, but if that's the kind of meal you want appearing on the menu, okay. I'll just make two choices on tonight's menu, Jaela or Chicken.
The ship gets rocked by incoming fire as the other airships draw closer. Pholly scrambles onto the main deck, bottles of alchemists fire rattling in every pocket and fold of his cloak and a small, rather wimpy-looking slingshot in his hand.
“Airships? Did someone say airships?” He loads the slingshot and hauls back, barely making the bands stretch. “I can hit them from here, Ill just…” His grip on the bottle slips and the bottle falls towards the deck. “Ooops…”
Norbaz immediately goes about trying to stamp the fires out... with a horribly burned Pholly, he tosses the body aside and goes back to the still living yet unconscious Jaela clones and loads them into the catapult after stuffing the sealed vials of smelling salts into their noses.
“Someone else is gonna have to fire this thing!” Norbaz calles before moving away from the catapults.
Finally waking up, Michael pulls the dart from his neck. “Ow dang it... Man I gotta get a hold of these sleeping darts for myself...” He glances around the ship, seeing the other two closing from the distance. “Now THIS is why I joined!”
On the other side of the ship. “NORBAZ!!” V yells as he rushes the length of the ship.
Norbaz turns to look, and sees V charging him
“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO THE JAELAS?!?!!?
“They were evil and nearly killed you!”
“SO?!?! I challenge you to a fight to the death!”
They begin to fight ignoring the approaching ships and the more and more accurate fire raining around them.
Finally getting his bearings, Michael notices Doog.
Michael: Hey Doog!
Doog: Yo, what?
Michael: When did these ships get here?
Doog: About 5 minutes ago. Wanna do something?
Michael: Yeah, I got an idea. Tell Ketler to grab those "Special Suits" I saw him make and grab the Jaelas.
Doog: This is gonna be good, hachachachacha.
Michael: HEY WARFORGED!
Warforged: I have a name.
Michael: Great, great, stand over there.
Doog: Kay the Jaelas are ready.
Michael: Now pick up all the Jaelas-
(Stupid kneels to the ground, picking up the ninja Jaelas as instructed.)
V, still fighting with Norbaz, yells over to them. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
Michael: Aim... LAUNCH EVA!!!!
(Doog fires the giant catapult with the warforged and many Ninja Jaelas at the ship.)
V: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marish: Meow! Two birds with one stone! How did you think of that plan?
Michael: Plan? I always wanted to shout that Eva joke, now I just had a chance!
Back in the captains quarters Jarlot remains oblivious to the plight of his ship and crew. Jarlot: 93431942 bottles of beer on the wall, 93431942 bottles of beer!
Jarlot walks out of his cabin holding his head and sees the Ninja Jaelas Jjust as they are launched at the approaching ship. Worried and confused, he backs slowly into his cabin, slamming the door shut and moving to hide under his bed laughing hysterically.
After the battle is over a note is found tacked to the captain's door. A Word from the Captain: Now that the Jaela population onboard the ship has been brought down to a reasonable number by attrition. I have returned to active duty thanks to a random blow to the skull weirdly curing all my insanities...
EXcePT FOR AN UNhoLY URgE TO CruSH AnD COnqUER MY ENEMies beFORe Me!
Captian Jarlot: I thought some positive reinforcement to the ship for a change would help things and remind us why we as Pirates' exist.
Bruce Ki: To fight injustice and rob from the corrupt to give to the poor.
Others: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA *snort*
Captian Jarlot: Uhh... okay Ki.
Here's our Things that Captain Jarlot WANTS the Crew to do from Dirty Tricks to Advice on Robbery
Norbaz: Well now that everything's settled, I'm gonna start on tonight's meal.
(as Norbaz limps away, he downs a cure potion from all the attacking V was doing after leaving a cure potion in front of an equally exhausted V)
V: This isn't over! This was a challenge to the death.
Norbaz: Whatever. I never accepted your challenge. Oh, tonight will you be having the chicken or the Jaela?
V: WHAT!?
Norbaz: Don't look at me, Andrea requested it. Never pegged her for a cannibal.
Pholly gets up, brushing the soot off his red tunic. "Wow, that was almost a disaster. Boy, I was nearly a goner. (The cleric begins muttering and fingering several seriously bladed weapons)"
Norbaz: Huh? And here I expected more people would want the chicken. I should take requests more often... no one told the Paladin, right?
Pholly heads belowdecks, brushing off more soot and dirt. "Well," he says. "I suppose I should start making some replacement alchemist's fire. Shouldn’t take me too long" Behind him, the cleric winces, and starts counting to 10.
Norbaz: Ketler, I have a question about the cloner. Is it possible to make clones that come out dead? Last night we ran out of dead Jaelas and the still living ones are getting that crazy hungry look directed at them from a lot of the crew.
Check out the captain's rejected plans
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