Forgotten Freedom:7
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Jarlot: Okay, you ungrateful lot! I got you all stuff so you would shut up. They aren’t gifts- They're coming out of your pay!
(Squishy climbs into his brand new greathelm. "Whoop de freakin doo"
- Michael unwraps a dark, evilly glowing sword. "This is just what I wanted! After succubi I mean..."
- Marish gets a big bowl of catnip! Fun times for all!
- Doog gets a Codpiece of Holding.... Which is really one of Devouring
- Lisa gets a better Hammer of Healing! "I think ill try it out now..." She says as she catches Michael attempting to grope her. "Not so fast!" He shouts, "SUNDER!!!"
Long Wang: Uh you missed the hammer. You sundered her breast plate...
Michael: What hammer??
(SMASH!!!)
- V gets a pile of Jaela pictures. And an extra Ninja Jaela
- Norbaz gets more bodies to use for food.
- The Warforged gets respect. Just kidding. He gets nothing!!
- Ketler gets a pile of parts for whatever those bloody inventors do.
- Bruce Ki gets a new blindfold... which looks exactly like the one he lost last week!
- Long Wang gets a brand new bag of stuff! Just what he wanted!
- Kanatash gets to live. After all the crap he put us through, he should be grateful!
- Cool Cthulhu gets a brand new "Grovestock" t-shirt.
- The quori gets told that another personality already got the gift.
- Andrea got a book on necromancy and some Febreeze to make the zombies smell less.
- Pholly got Alchemist’s Fire. No, just kidding. He got some Cure Light Wounds potions. He needs those a lot more
- Jam got a pack of Cure potions as well. He also has a problem not getting fried...
- John, the Keel, gets all the people he can hug.
Well... the tragedy of John the Keel is he has no arms... Just two-foot adamantine spikes. John: Daddy? Why didn't you give me arms for Christmas? Ketler: Because you need to hurt people, other than me. John: But Dad... I don't want to hurt people... Ketler: Sweet Jaela's panties! Get over it! You can deal the most damage of anyone on the ship and you're whining about this peaceful bull****! Have you been hanging out with Cool Cthulhu again? John: ... yes... Ketler: Grrr... I'll have to have a word with him. Don't let him near you! This is your last warning! If I see him around again I'll ground you!
- And Jarlot gets ale! That he bought with money that came from the crew's pay.
- And the dwarf lady has made everyone a sweater!
New Years Resolutions for the Forgotten Freedom and her crew
I resolve to mercilessly keelhaul anyone who disagrees with me and to drink twice as much alcohol as last year -Capt. Jarlot
I resolve to bring peace on Eberron and have more patience with my horribly evil fellow crewmen -Lisa
I resolve to do twice as much destroying, wenching, spreading of debauchery, and groping of female crewmembers as I did last year. Ey! Doog! Pass the Keg! -Michael
I resolve to not blow myself up as often -Pholly
I resolve to teach the Catgirl her place, kill her and use her corpse as one of my minions. -Andrea
I resolve to tear reality asunder to hear what sort of noise it makes when it's dying. I think it sounds like a duck. -Kanatash
I (we) resolve to keep my (our) selves together and to keep the Quori from ever coming back. -Ajihazi, The Child, The Cavalier, and Maisy of Elms Street
I resolve to crush the pathetic little half-breed once and for all and finally climb astride the world as its final ruler! There will be rivers of blood! Yes! And Kittens!- The Quori
I resolve to find more swords- Stupid
I resolve to actually develop some artistic talent, and eat Squishy. -Chalky
I resolve to be twice as cute, cuddly and disturbingly attractive. I also resolve to find a steady supply of catnip -Marish, the Cat Girl
I resolve to kill whoever caused the Mourning and indoctrinate Jaela to be the next ruler of Cyre -V
I resolve to try to stop Awakening things on the ship. The Awakened Toilet was a bit much, probably... -Ketler
I resolve to find someone to make me some arms so I can hug people. -John, awakened dire Keel
I resolve to toss a hundred times more fireballs this year - Pardan
A Celebration of Religious Diversity on the Forgotten Freedom
In Lisa's room decorated with countless solar symbol icons of the Keep of Flame like the sideways X of holiness, the glorious burning braziers of light, and candles to illuminate the holiness of this most sacred of holidays. There the red haired Lisa sits on her knees in cupped hands prayer
Lisa: Oh holy Flame, I have struggled to be good this year and keep away from all temptations. Wrath, Pride, Envy of my fellows in Thrane, Lu... well, I'd never admit that last one to any crew members....
(Outside the door Michael has a glass to the door and makes a 'ca-ching' gesture)
Lisa: But mostly Wrath. I only ask that you forgive me my sins and help me get through another year with the Forgotten Freedom until my penance is complete and I may return to celestial glory in Thrane. I also ask that you please do something about the bounty that is on my head as part of a terrible misunderstanding that fails to take in account my extreme service. For this, I shall spend the rest of the night in humble prayer as is the custom on Flamemas.
(It was then that someone started to play a Horn of Blasting like a saxophone)
Lisa: *covering her ears* THE HELL!?
(The paladin then promptly headed out to find the most paganly bedecked out ship on Eberron with the ship covered in mistletoe, fountains of wine, shiftergirls in Togas dancing around throwing petals, and a massive banquet table covered in food that was stolen from all portions of Eberron while animals ran around on the ground. Weirdly, weapons and skulls were strewn around the Forgotten Freedom as well. OTHER activities were far far worse)
Lisa: ...what is all this?
(Captain Jarlot then walked up to her wearing a giant horned helmet, furs, and carrying a warhammer)
Captain Jarlot: It's Dol-Dornmas silly! The holy night of attack!
Lisa: The what?
Captain Jarlot: Every year, my people, the Dol-dornians of Argonessan's island chain celebrate what is most important in life. Sex, Drinking, and Battle!
Michael: *wearing his own horn helmet while between two shifter girls* Remarkably like my God's holiday! Devourermas!
Lisa: First of all, you're a Seren?
Captain Jarlot: We prefer to call ourselves 'The Ass Kicking Children of the Dragon', paleface.
(Marish walked up to Jarlot in her own Toga made out to look like a bikini)
Marish: Hey, Cap'n. The girls want you to know that it's 5 gp a piece.
Captain Jarlot: Oh, for the sake of Dol Dorn's mighty hammer, could Ketler stop racking up debts! We haven't even gotten to the orgiastic ritual!
Lisa: This... this... is totally offensive.
Captain Jarlot: I'm glad you agree. Pholly really hasn't even prepared the star we're going to drop on Time's Square in Sharn when it hits New Year's!
(Ketler walks out)
Ketler: Damnit! I hate Dol Dornmas! It's a reminder how my God isn't any fun! All we do is build stuff!
Jarlot: Well why don't you go ride the mechanical bull in celebration of me and Bruce Ki's god.
Lisa: Bruce Ki is a Dol Dorn worshipper?
(Bruce Ki drunkenly stumbles in wearing a lampshade)
Bruce Ki: I'mnotallowwwwwweedddd to drink normally because of my MONk....vowwwssssssss but in celbbbraaaationn of my God, I get....
(Bruce Ki slammed to the ground unconscious)
Jarlot: Man, two drinks and Bruce is anybody's.
(Andrea walks out wearing black robes and carrying a bloody dagger)
Andrea: Okay, will you keep it down out here! I'm attempting to sacrifice in the name of my Dark Lord.
Voice from Her Cabin: THE KEEPER HUNGERS FOR THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
(Pholly blows himself up again with the fireworks)
Pholly: I don't really celebrate Dol Dornmas very often. We gnomes have our own holidays.
Jarlot: *various ethnic slurs against gnomes*
Pholly: That is totally uncalled for!
Jarlot: Well you shouldn't have *religious justification for ethnic slur*
Pholly: That's it! Watch next time you sit on the John, boy!
(Dooj wanders in wearing his own Dol-dornmas suit)
Dooj: Dude, the mechanical Bull is running down.
Jarlot: Ah man! We haven't even had him smash through a China shop!
Lisa: That's not a mechanical bull! That's Stupid in a minotaur hat!
Cool Cthulhu: I'm celebrating with my mom!
Lisa: Your... mother.
From Cool Cthulhu's room: The Dragon Below Hungers for her son!
(V walks in)
V: I demand this ship cease this party immediately!
Lisa: I agree!
V: Everyone knows the gods are simply a creation of the nobility to keep down the weak-minded.
Lisa: Y... what!?
Jarlot: I'm sorry, we BELIEVERS have no place for your kind.
V: Seperation of Church and Ship is guaranteed by the By-laws of this...
Lisa: *hits V with hammer*
Jarlot: I had to tell our Kalashatyr the same thing after he tried to say the Quori were the source of the gods.
Marish: I worship Arawai! Fertility in addition to Food!
Andrea: ...I knew I should have been a Volite. Automatic health benefits... no disrupting my daily routine.
Lisa: Captain, this is for your own good.
(POUNDS THE CAPTAIN HORRIBLY)
(As Jarlot lays there, he sees an image of Marvel Comic's Thor hovering in the sky)
Jarlot: Master...
Marvel's Thor: Thou hast forgotten the true meaning of Dol Dornmas, my yonder boon companion. It is not about decorations and pomp... it's about drinking and finding someone's ass to beat... in many meanings. Now go forth and wreak havoc in mine name.
Ketler: ...does anyone else see the big blonde dude hovering over the Captain?
Michael: Yeah, that's Marish's date. I think he's a Radiant idol.
The next morning, Michael stumbles from his cabin at about noonish, yawns, and looks around.
Everyone is staring at him.
"Wha? Did I miss something on my face? Do have som'thin' stu*yawn*uck in my teeth?"
"Er..."
The remnants of his toga are inching perilously closer to the ground.
"Oh, y'all 're jealous ain'cha?" Michael laughs, flashes everyone, and reattaches his toga to his shoulder. He walks into the latrine
Lisa: Oh Tira! It was horrible! Unholy! It was so... small!
Jarlot: *pats her on the back* It's alright, Lisa. We were forced to see it too.
Michael: Hey Jarlot!
Jarlot: What?! Can't you see I'm busy here?!
Michael: No. But anyway, what did you put in that eggnog, man?
Jarlot: Milk, butter, Jaela cuts; the normal stuff. Why do you ask?
Michael: The toilet was making odd sounds, when I walked in it asked me what I was looking at and-
Jarlot: It asked you?
Michael: Yeah, and it ralphed all over the wall. So I walked over and tried to open the lid-
Jarlot: It ralphed ?
Michael: Yeah. It was the first time I've ever had to wrestle a toilet seat up to take a dump. When I finally got on, it was like, screaming. But I think I killed it.
Jarlot: Well you better- What? You killed it?
Michael: Yeah. Apparently whatever you fed us was so toxic that it made the latrine sick. Mine was the worst, so it must've killed the toilet.
Jarlot: Alright, I'll get Stupid to clean up the mess and you go console Ketler. He's probably putting some modifications on the Keel.
In response to Ketler going a little crazy with the awaken spells during the Dol Dornmas party. Apparently he got blind drunk and created a maximized wand of Awaken. Which is now securely at the bottom of the ocean.
Huh, what if some ocean dwelling race gets ahold of it and awakens the Tarrasque?
Mr. T awakened tarrasque
A bunch of Sahagin got stoned after huffing sulfuric vents, and found a weird stick, Ketlers maximsed wand of awaken. They started laughing and pointing it at each other. One pretended to duck, eliciting much laughter from his friends; at least, until they saw what loomed behind him. They quickly dissappeared, and Mr T awoke. Mr T now rules a small sahagin community in Shargon's teeth. He calls it his "neighborhood". About once a day, he takes a few of his subjects and plays with them as if they were dolls, talking to them and for them. He then leaves, singing, "It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood..."
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