Janus Gambit
(Andy and Terri fell in with me on this one. Thanks, you two!--Maer)
Tuesday, 12 Nov 2520
Kuiper II class, Summer’s Gift
PDF Decatur, Meridian
Blue Sun (Qing Long) system
0530hrs, ships time
Habit woke me before my watch began beeping and I turned off the alarm before it could start. I didn’t want to wake Joshua and of all the mornings I’d woken in his arms, I wanted this one to be as smooth as possible.
Smooth? Be serious. Nothing between us is going to be smooth. Not now. Not for a while.
We’d left the light on low and slowly sitting up I wanted to memorize this moment before harsh reality set in. He looked younger while asleep, released of the troubles that plagued our waking hours—repayment of the price of being human. His hair was tousled from the pillow and I wanted to stroke it back, but I didn’t want to wake him. His beard was coming in and I could see he was going to need help trimming the underside of it and realized with a stab that it couldn’t be me.
I remembered what Christian had said when I’d woken on Miranda after my collapse, about how he’d consider being my lover if it wouldn’t affect our relationship as friends and crewmates. I understood now, when it was too late, exactly what he’d meant. I had no idea what Joshua would feel or do in the aftermath of our last night together. I could only hope that he would keep the door open to friendship, even if we never went to bed again.
And friends don’t sneak off like thieves in the middle of the night without saying goodbye.
“Joshua,” I whispered and caressed his face.
He startled out of sleep to Rina's fingers against his cheeks. "What time is it?" He pulled a hand out and held it up against hers, not wanting to lose the contact.
It was a child’s gesture, a silent plea for comfort. It slew me and it was a moment before I could answer. I cupped his face and gave him a wan smile.
“Time for me to go.”
Time for her to go? Joshua was still a little groggy and it took a second before it really registered that she was leaving. He wanted to say so many different things, but all of them would only end up hurting someone. He settled for simplicity and what most concerned him. "You going to be okay?"
"I think so." His concern flayed me alive. God, how am I going to get through this? One step at a time. I stroked the corner of his lips with my thumb, missing their softness already. "You?"
As her thumb ran across lips, he grasped her hand and brought her palm to his mouth, kissing the very center of it before letting her hand go. "Not for a little while, but we knew that, right?" He hadn't really thought it through, what he was going to do. Everything seemed to happen so fast that his brain hadn't had a chance to catch up.
"As long as you're okay with me, I'll manage." He might have to shut himself away for a time, but he'd figure it out. She wasn't leaving him, just doing what she needed to do to set things right. He didn't have to be left with nothing if he didn't want to be.
At the touch of his lips, I came close, so close to breaking. I closed my eyes and tipped my face to the ceiling so he couldn't see me waver.
Too late. He's a borrower, a Reader. He already knows.
So I sucked it up and faced him, smoothed his hair back with my free hand and told him the truth. "More than okay. You will always be special to me, Joshua, because of who you are and what you've done for me. Nothing can ever destroy that. Thank you."
There was only one response that Joshua could make to that. "And Rina, you know that I'll always love you in whatever way I can." As he finished saying it, he slowly sat up in his bunk and scooted back a little, to give himself some distance that he desperately needed. Taking a deep breath, in a slightly wavering voice, he said, "Now you had better go, because I don't think I can manage to keep myself sane right now with you here....but not here."
“All right,” I whispered and slowly leaned in and kissed him. There was no way I was leaving without doing that.
The last taste of her lips almost broke him right there. But he managed to hold it together and not do something stupid, like taking her into his arms. Joshua didn't trust himself to say anything, so he just watched silently as Rina headed towards the door.
I let the kiss end on its own and slid from the warmth of Joshua's bed to look for my clothes. They were exactly where I'd left them and suiting up for the day took barely a minute. I paused on the zipper, knowing once pulled, I had no reason to linger and looking over my shoulder at Joshua watching me dress, I realized the kindest thing I could do for him now was to leave.
Alea iacta est. Please God, don't let me fail.
Letting go a breath, I zipped my coveralls to my chin and with a goodbye nod, I left.
It was rare for Nika to suffer insomnia. It wasn't because she wasn't tired -- she was. And more than physically tired, she was emotionally drained. The strain of worry, the stress of uncertainty, they're taking their toll now that the Gift was docked with the Decatur. She didn't even know what time it was, just that it was late. Or early, depending on how you looked at it.
Dinner was a nice enough affair -- food was good, the officers were friendly enough types. Most of them. Nika'd gotten the chance to catch up some with the women of her old crew, filling them in on the runs we'd made, the new business that Christian was running, that we even had a second ship out there under our banner now. She left out the dicier bits; no one needed to hear that right now. Connelly'd been conspicuous in his absence, to Nika's mind.
And it was weighing on her. Was she going to take off from Decatur in the morning without straightening things out? No. But how? There was the question that had her walking the decks at oh-dark-thirty, her blond hair loose and hanging like a thick curtain around her shoulders while she paced in bare feet from the cockpit to the engine room and back again. The lower level would probably suit her better -- more room to walk circles. Being silent just wasn't cutting it. She altered her course, cutting her path short to turn back toward the stairs that would take her down to the lower level.
I slipped out and closed the door behind me and leaned against it, trying hard to pull myself together. I'd always known I couldn't commit, but what my head knew and what my heart felt right now were at opposite ends of the Universe. I thought back to the night I'd stopped sleeping with Christian and even though I'd been upset and angry, I wasn't a fraction as torn up as I was now. What was different then? Why couldn't it be the same now? Was it Christian? Or was it me?
I turned my head and put my ear to the door, wondering if Joshua was likewise pressed against it, listening. And pushed off, unable to bear the thought that he was. I took a deep breath and put my head firmly back into work-mode and looked at my watch. 0600 hours. I was running late. I stood in yesterday's coveralls, yesterday's clothes. Clean enough for working in. I strode aft for the engine room, to shift our girl from night to day mode. Waking her up never failed to cheer me and right now, I could use a little bit of cheer.
She stopped at the doorway of the engineering section and winced. Shi.... Rina was up and moving. It was later than Nika had realized. Well, nothing for it now but to play it off. She straightened up a bit and kept walking, coming into Rina's line of sight almost immediately. "Morning," she commented. "I'll have coffee on in a few minutes."
"Sure thing," I said, hiding my surprise with a stock answer. "I'll be up in a minute to grab a cup."
Padding on her bare feet back to her quarters to grab a heavier sweatshirt to throw on over her tanktop and shorts that she was sleeping in, Nika didn't bother to tie up her hair. She readied the coffee maker and leaned against the counter while it heated up and started working, shoving the mass of blond back over her shoulder and out of her way while she stood there.
I set the diagnostic running and left the engine room for the galley. My step faltered as I neared Joshua's door and I resolutely passed it. He and I would have to keep our distance as we regained our emotional footing and now was as good a time to start as any.
The lounge was dark and empty when I went through it, the galley's lights throwing a bright rectangle across the deck from its door. I planted my ass in it and leaned on the jamb. Nika looked rocky when she'd stepped into the engine room and I reckoned the situation with Brian would leave her touchy and needing some space. And truth to tell, the galley had associations now that I wasn't entirely ready to face, so the doorjamb was as far as I was going to go.
"Smells good," I said, nodding toward the coffee maker. "What's for breakfast?"
“This," Nika replied succinctly. "Unless your newest conquest hauls his cute ass out and makes something for you. I'm not cooking." There was just enough coffee in the pot to make two cups and the blond poured them. She'd tried to keep her tone light, teasing, but she already knew it had fallen flat. "Sorry. Bitchy morning," she said by way of apology as she handed Rina her cup.
“No worries. It’s been a bitch of a night.” I nodded and took the cup she gave me, sipped it, and sighed at the first mouthful warmed its way through me. “As for conquest? Maybe so, but it was by mutual consent. And we’ve ended it. Again, by mutual consent.” I let my head drop with a thunk! against the jamb and squeezed my eyes shut. The heat of the coffee in my gullet was nothing against the burn of regret and I silently swore I would never attempt something like this again. And knowing full well how many of my long-held resolutions I’d broken in the past three months, I morosely anticipated I’d end up breaking this one, too.
Stop. That’s the break-up talking. Just stick to the plan. Do your job. Leave off final decisions until you’ve settled.
Morning-after wisdom, perhaps. But since it was all I had, I took it.
“Lookin’ to be a fair bitch of a day, too.”
Well, that'd be the understatement of the year so far as Nika was concerned. "I'm planning on catching breakfast at the officer's mess before we lift off," she says mildly. Or.... something. "Wanted to see everyone once more. Might want to tell Joshua not to bother making anything." There was a long pause and Nika considered what Rina said. "Does it make me sound even bitchier to say "good"?" she asked. "I've been a little.... concerned about the abrupt 180 in your perspective, if you want the truth."
"No," I admitted. "Just objective. Something I could really use right now." I opened my eyes and looked at her, and revised my assessment. She was more than rocky, she was hurting. And taking in the sight of her reddened eyes and haggard face in the ruthless glare of the galley, I wondered if there was any reaching through it. "As for the rest of it, it was one of the deciding factors that led both of us to end it."
Nika nodded. The kitchen lights were far harsher than she realized, leaving her feeling somewhat exposed as she realized Rina was worried about her just as much as the converse. She sipped from the cup and hoped that it didn't shred the ship's crew. Her own problems added to this one could just be the straw that broke the horse's back. "Hope you both can handle it," was all she said. "Christian's not here anymore to pick up the pieces."
"No, he's not. And more than ever I can appreciate his Training. Objectivity must be the first thing they taught him at Temple. I don't know how else he could see client after client without being torn up when they leave." I sipped my cooling coffee and spoke to the deck. "I know people hop in and out of bed all the time, but I confess I haven't discovered the knack it takes to walk away afterward without...." I couldn't express it. I shrugged and let it speak for me.
This topic, at least, stayed far enough from Nika's personal issues to allow for conversation. "You don't get overly invested," she said simply. "Friends is enough. Hell.... friendly is enough. Depending on the kind of friendly. It's a physical reaction, Rina. It doesn't have to be more than that." But they'd had this conversation before. "Still, since I know you don't disengage like that, I'm.... glad that you and Joshua worked it out before you got in too deep."
I saw the line at her brow ease and knew that I had to keep her talking, no matter how the subject of our conversation made me feel.
"I wanted....I'm not sure how to explain it, but—for some sex is recreation, something they do for the fun of it. In my experience, it's never been anything but a weapon or a gift." I took a deep breath and released it. "It was a gift I felt ready to give, instead of just receiving, and Joshua was who I gave it to."
Nika smiled faintly. "Well... he seems to understand what he's let himself in for. But.... like I said, I'm just glad it's handled." She moved to shove her hair back once more, the mass falling around her as she moved to top off her cup. "Got a couple more things I need to do before we lift off. I think I'll be ready by this afternoon. Cargo can be picked up later today, if I remember right, so we'll restock while we're on the ground and get under way."
I knew that tone, that shift in body language. Our conversation here was done. But it might not be the last, not on this subject.
Keep it friendly. Keep it professional. Keep the door open.
"Sounds good. I should have everything ready for lift off by then."
That said, I rolled off the jamb and went aft to the engine room to make it happen.
Since this season turned out to be RP heavy, it's only fair to include the link to everyone's efforts.
Go back to Reckoning | Skip to Milestone.
Go to Peripatetica - Rina's Journal entry and RP log
Go to Rina's Russian Glossary
Go to Rina's Crew Page
Go to EPISODES or TIMELINE
