Lessons

(Many thanks to Andy for doing this with me. Thanks, Andy!--Maer)

Jump to Lessons, Part 2

Thursday, 12 Sep 2520
Kuiper II Class, Summer’s Gift
Somewhere in the Black
13:15hrs, ships time

Joshua was just about finished with gathering the last of the lunch dishes. Unlike dinner, it seemed that lunch was a meal served everywhere and plates needed to be retrieved. He didn't know if it was normal, but he liked cleaning dishes. Just as preparation was the formal start for cooking, cleaning was the formal ending and they put nice bookends on one of his favorite activities.

Rina's dish was the last to get, and as he entered her workspace, he saw that her dish, was in fact, just as full as it had started. Rina had taken one bite, at most, Joshua judged, and that was being optimistic. She needed to eat, he thought.

Joshua cleared his throat. "Uh-hum." And he stared at the plate.

 ***

        One of the advantages of the long stretches between ports was it allowed me to work on projects portside duties precluded. It was also a disadvantage—when the daily maintenance chores were done, I had the entire rotation of the clock before addressing them again and I often lost my sense of time. It took a backseat in my consciousness and in the case of the current project in front of me, it flat out disappeared.
        So I was in the middle of recalculating a materials list when Joshua cleared his throat and brought me back to my surroundings. I blinked and saw him standing there, looking pointedly at a bowl of something that used to be hot and edible.
        Food? Damn. When did that happen?
        I sighed and leaned back in my task chair and rubbed my eyes.
        "What time is it?" I knew exactly what time it was from the data ticker at the bottom of the CAD page—13:15 hrs—but I asked anyway.

 ***

"Past lunchtime. You haven't eaten, Rina. I don't want to play the 'I slaved over a hot oven’ card, but you need to eat." He paused and looked around the workspace. "In fact, have you left this space since you got up this morning? It might be good to get up and walk around." He wondered if Christian had to play mother hen to the crew to get them to eat, rest, and the other basics of human existence.

 ***

        Stung, I pushed up my sleeves and hit 'save'. I'd get back to it later. A similar conversation came to me unbidden:
                You're not eating. There something wrong with your food?
                I'm not hungry.
                You're lyin'.
        Aloud, I dodged the question and said, "Sorry. Got sucked in."
        I peered into the bowl, gave the spoon an experimental stir.
        "Would it hurt your feelings if I asked what it was supposed to be when you served it?" I looked up at him through my lashes and bit my lip. I meant it when I said I wanted to spare his feelings but with all the TSE-contaminated crap floating around, I couldn't resist asking. Besides, I loathed soy and it, like the protein paste, was the cheapest thing going and something our virtually nonexistent finances could afford.

 ***

"Well," he said, "it won't hurt my feelings, and it was a chili. Without fresh food, I have to find ways to juggle up the stuff we have, and chili is actually a really good way to do that. Of course, cold, it's probably not appetizing." He softly smiled at her. "I know food is not a top priority for you..." he paused and looked up in the air as if in thought, "...or for any of the crew for that matter, but it is all I do around here. You could at least make an attempt to eat it." He winced internally as he said it. It had come out much harsher than intended.

 ***

        “It used to be a priority. Food, I mean.” I thought back to childhood meals with my family, it being one of the few occasions the cease-fire in the constant sibling bickering and horseplay meant we could all relax and enjoy each others’ company. Homesickness stirred, an old familiar pain, and I squelched it. I also recognized a rebuke when I heard it and dutifully picked up the bowl. And knowing full well how it would look, damage already done, I took up the spoon and downed a bite anyway. My eyebrows lifted in surprise.
        “Cinnamon?”
        I took another bite. Yup. Cinnamon. It added an unexpected fillip to the protein paste we’d been eating for breakfast and lunch as a way to save the better provisions for dinner, and not for the first time I wondered what Joshua would have become had his life not taken the turn it had. I spooned up several more bites before I realized what I was doing and paused halfway to another, saying, “It’s good cold. And I’m sorry I didn’t think to try it when it was hot.”
        I kept on eating, less to prove my statement and more because having been given a taste my body demanded more of it. When it was gone and the spoon polished, I put it aside and looked up at him.
        “Is there any more? Or did I really fall down the rabbit hole and miss the call for seconds?”

 ***

"You did miss the call for seconds. I served an hour and half ago. But.." and he held his finger out, "there is still a little left warming on the stove. The pot is always the last thing to get cleaned up." He picked up her bowl. "I could get you some more and come back. Let me do that." And without giving Rina a chance to protest, Joshua swooped out of the room.

 ***

        Dammit, that tears it...
        I quit my worktable and followed him to the galley. As galleys go, it was only slightly larger than a walk-in closet so I planted my shoulder on the jamb and leaned in to watch him scrape out the last of the lukewarm chili from the pot. The look on his face when he turned and saw me in the doorway was tinged with….what? surprise? gratitude? Hell if I know. He’s a puzzle, that one. And I knew my affinity for puzzles. Careful. You know what happened with the last guy you thought that of.
        And for a second it wasn’t Joshua standing at the range, but Christian. And his answer to my query as to why a Companion of his stature was dishing up soup and counting dishtowels came back to me: Right now, this is the best place I can be…
        What’s your place, Joshua? Where is the best place for you to be?
        Knowing the issues that plagued the man, I kept my thoughts to myself and merely took the bowl he held out to me.
        “Thanks.”

 ***

"Um..." She had startled him and while that wasn't unusual these days, Rina seemed to do a better job at it than the rest of the crew. "You're welcome." He put the pot in the sink and started washing it.

He turned around to look at her as he washed and she ate. "I feel like I should apologize. I snapped a little about the food. I didn't think the Cortex quiet would bother me, but I've been in a mood the last few days. My job is not to yell at you about eating."

 ***

        "Actually, in a very real way, it is." I looked up again. "If I zone out over my work, it's everyone's responsibility to snap me out of it, because it's my responsibility to the rest of you to pay attention. Neglect in either area can lead to trouble. I'm just sorry I added to yours."
        I shifted my shoulders on the jamb and lifted the bowl to my chin and dug in. I ate, he washed, I continued:
        "If I saw you doing something stupid, I wouldn't hesitate to call you on it. So when I fall out of the world, please, yell at me. I won't take it amiss."

 ***

"Ok, I'll keep that in mind," he said, scrubbing a little harder to work the chili off the pot. They were good dishes - a good cook had loved these dishes. Another thing to live up to Christian to. Ah well. "I'm still getting the hang of this responsibility thing....and the crew thing...and the real life thing. Let's just say everything and leave at that."

 ***

        Something in the line of him, his tone, brought me up short and eyes narrowing, I set the bowl aside and watched him scrubbing the damned pot as if his life depended on it.
        "I could say the same for myself. Just different areas of it. But we're not talking about me." I put a foot up on the jamb and crossed my arms. "We're talking about you. And since you're only just now getting the hang of living for yourself because as a chameleon-on-demand you hadn't any freedom to do it before, try not to be too hard on yourself until you get your feet under you.” Which had a narrow chance of happening, I knew. Joshua was a driven individual. “And as to that? What do you want out of life, Joshua? What do you really want to do?"

 ***

"Is it cheating to say, I don't know?" He put the pot away and leaned against the counter. "It's so huge. Everything I mean. How am I supposed to decide what to do with myself?

 ***

        "It's not cheating if it's true. And maybe we're missing the point. Saying that you can do anything you want isn't exactly helpful if you don't know how. We're telling you to run with it when you aren't even walking yet."

 ***

"So, you're saying start small?" Joshua asked.

 ***

        "Baby steps." I nodded. "How's that for a kick in the pants? Finding out the Verse is your oyster and it's no holds barred? And then having to put yourself on a leash."

 ***

Joshua nods, and says, "I'm starting with being the steward. I have responsibility which I need to focus on getting right."

 ***

        I frowned at the deck.

 ***

Joshua sighed. "Ok, what did I say or do wrong?"

 ***

        I echoed his sigh and pushed off the jamb.
        "Walk with me?" I asked.

 ***

"Sure." He walked alongside her, hands clasped in front of him.

 ***

        I took the stairs down to the lower deck and making sure Joshua followed me, I strolled aft down the port corridor, trailing my fingertips along the bulkhead.
        "I like it down here sometimes. It's quiet. And this time of day, it's not likely we'll be overheard."
        I stopped at one of the container doors and peered through the viewport, not really seeing what lay beyond.
        "We talked before of second chances, of tossing away your old life and starting fresh. That was before I realized the full extent of your inexperience and maybe it was the wrong advice to give you." I turned away and leaned on the door and looked at him. "Maybe 'wrong' isn't the right word. 'Premature' would be better. I meant what I said up there about taking things slow. And what made me frown was your immediate assumption I'd meant your job. Was I wrong in assuming that?"

 ***

"Well, I didn't know if you specifically meant the job, but it was what I thought." He clasped his hands together a little tighter, half rubbing them back and forth in nervous tension. "And it's not that I think you expect it of me, but that I expect it of myself." He paused. "I don't have the right to think of the crew as family yet, but I'd like that to be a possibility. And how can I expect that ever to happen if I don't do what I'm supposed to do...not only the upfront aspects of being a steward, but the part where I help to keep us out of danger?"

 ***

        I puffed out my cheeks, eyes widening at his answer. Not exactly the road I thought we were on, but okay...Let's take it slow.
        "I didn't mean the job. You aren't your job, Joshua. None of us are. I know it sounds crazy, especially coming from me, but let me explain. Nika is a pilot because something about it speaks to her. That something has always been there, a part of her, waiting, before she ever stepped foot in a cockpit. She is who she always is and that won't change if she never flew a single craft in her life. She could have spent her days living dirtside with her sister...and might have found happiness, or she might have found it hard going. But it wouldn't have been the job making her happy or miserable, it would have been her intrinsic nature determining the outcome."
        I put my back to the bulkhead and idly drummed my fingers on the metal at my side, thinking how to put it.
        "When we're born, we all have our gifts and affinities fixed like stars,” I finally said. “Immutable. Two people can be born with the ability to be crackerjack mechanics but they won't turn out the same. The variations come from the discoveries of our talents and passions and the opportunity we are given to pursue and express them. I knew from the time I could hear my father's lathe in his workshop that machines and gears and the rest of it were what spoke to me. And it wasn't long before I had taken everything in that workshop apart and put it back together again that I realized I wanted more, because something inside me needed more. I had to wait fifteen years before I got what I wanted, Joshua, and some might have said then that I was the right tool for the job. I'd say it was the other way around, that the job was the best expression of what made me uniquely me...but it didn't make me what I was. That was already there. I made me, by discovering my true nature and following it."
        I sighed and shook my head.
        "I had fifteen years to examine what I wanted and how to get it before I actually achieved it. Babies do it every day as they wake up and explore the world, so that by the time we're five, we've already got a pretty good handle on things. By the time we're twelve, we're pretty much locked into our intrinsic natures. It sounds to me Blue Sun took that away from you and you need to recreate it as an adult. And that can be hard. Look, I'm not the best at articulating the deep and personal stuff, but I guess what I'm trying to say is this: while you're trying to find your purpose in life, try not to lose sight of yourself. I think if you examine what makes you happy, what brings you joy--whether it's cooking or mimicry--you'll better understand your strengths and weaknesses, what you can give to others and what you can do. That would define the job you do best, but the job doesn’t define you. Your nature and your character do.
        "As for trying to meet the expectations of crew? We know you’re at loose ends and we don’t expect you to be perfect, just pitch in as you’re able. And you’re doing that as our steward. It's not a perfect fit, but you don't have to be stuck doing it for the rest of your life. You've got the option to explore a bit. Talents are a good place to start but just remember it’s more important to find out who you are rather than finding that perfect fit on your job application.

 ***

"And there's my problem," Joshua said quietly. "My talent is for being other people. My true nature is to not have a true nature. So in order to figure who I am, I'm having to ignore the thing I do the best. Because following it is not what is good for me now, and it isn't what is good for the crew. And it may be something that I will never be able to really do again. I'm not sure there's a place in the Verse for me that way."

He shook his head. "I'm probably overcomplicating things. I always do. I like watching people and situations and sometimes I can spend way too long watching and not enough doing...way too much gathering data and not enough making a decision. Maybe I'm doing that here.

"And Rina," he said, "my expectations for myself will always be higher than the crew's expectations for me, I think. I'm aware of who I'm standing in for."

 ***

        "Dammit!" I slammed my hand on the bulkhead with a loud boom! "We don't need you to be Christian, we just need someone to do his job. Anybody could reasonably do it, but right now, you're doing it best. It's just not all you are."
        I pushed off with a growl and paced.
        "Okay, I know we'll just repeat ourselves in circles ‘til we're blue in the face. I say you've got your own unique potential and nature, and you're saying it's mimicking other people to the exclusion of yourself. I don't know how to get around that one. Not yet, anyway. We have no way of knowing how much of what you feel is your own or something Blue Sun implanted in you, much less how much of you is left outside that programming. But marinating in 'what if' paralyzes you and you can't let yourself dwell on it. Instead of searching for 'what now?' maybe the best course is to carry on 'as if'. As if you've discovered your answers already. And just know that if you feel wobbly, we'll be there to help hold you up. Baby steps, maybe, but for god's sake, make them."
        I stopped and snorted.
        "Then again, I always preferred taking action to sitting around thinking. We may be working at cross purposes there."

 ***

Joshua took a couple steps back, involuntarily. "I know you don't need me to be Christian. But you think I don't realize that when the crew looks at me, they think about how it could be Christian there, even if it is never said aloud or maybe not even consciously realized? Hell, I think it and I barely knew him."

He rubbed his face in his hands. "Sorry, got sidetracked by the woe is me train." Why was this so freaking hard? he thought to himself. Why were other people's motivations so much easier than his own? "Maybe just with all this quiet, I'm feeling lonely, and as odd as it may sound, a little homesick. I miss the furniture they provided. I miss the artwork they hung that I didn't even like that much. I think I even miss Adriana, though I'm pretty sure she doesn't miss me.

"Most of all," he quietly said, pushing his hands up through his hair, "I miss being needed. I'm not needed now. This is not to say that I'm unwanted. But if you were to drop me off at our destination and take off and leave again, the Gift would fly smooth. And that's not feeling sorry for myself, just a real understanding. Christian was different, because it is obvious that besides being family, he provided something emotional that everyone needed. And that's probably why I'm so concerned with figuring out what my role should be."

A thought occurred to him and it blurted itself out, despite his better judgment. "I wonder when Blue Sun changes soda brands, the old soda feels lonely and unneeded when it is no longer out there on the shelf."

 ***

        “Soda?” Dear God. Oh Joshua, I’m so sorry…. I looked aside until I could get a grip, my memories stirring the while.
        Cold mountain air. Blazing blue-white stars. My heart ripped out and bleeding…
        I slammed a lid on it and looked at Joshua again, my voice soft from either compassion or the force of my memories, I wasn’t certain.
        "So...what you're really asking is if you no longer fulfill the purpose you were made for, do you even exist? Does function define reality? Or is it the other way around?"

 ***

"That's part of it," Joshua agreed. "But the other part is that this was the first time that it really registered that to Blue Sun, I might as well be a slightly more sophisticated can of soda. And that for all I'm beginning to despise them...I miss the trappings and purpose they gave me."

 ***

        "I can't say the trappings are as shiny here, but they’re genuine and we're making progress on the purpose. I just hope that you don't get too focused on doing to the exclusion of being. Because, seriously, I think Blue Sun had you doing over everything else.
        "Look at it this way. We all develop a sense of what we're going to be, as opposed to do. Some know right away when they're young, like I did. Others take time. By the time we're adults, we usually have it figured out and we're living it....until something comes along that requires us to change. But you will make the change and you will win through, Joshua. You're not stupid and you're not helpless. You've got talents and skills and a brain that thinks. And you've got us.
        “It's just a bitch to have to wait and let things unfold as they should, when all you want to do is get it done and over with. I've had to do it. I know how painful it is. I also know it's necessary and everyone has to go through it. I'm sorry. I'd take it away from you if I could, but I can't. Just promise me something."

 ***
"Ok, I'll bite." Joshua raised his eyebrows a bit. "What can I promise you, Rina?"

 ***

        God, he looked so lost. Moved, I walked right over and put my arms around him and held him. Two long beats later, I put my lips next to his ear and said quietly, "Promise you'll keep talking. To me. To Nika. To us. We'll get you through this, but only if you let us in. Learn that now. Don't take years like I did."
        I gave him a final squeeze and stepped back.
        "Learn from my mistakes. Avoid them."

 ***

"I can do that." He chuckled a little. "I almost figure you'd want me to stop talking. A lot of me-me-me lately. Hopefully, someday we'll be at the point where you can come to me to talk about YOU. You have been incredibly understanding."

"Now," he said, with a bit of a sparkle in his eye, "let me ask YOU for a favor."

 ***

        "Sure." Having gone this far, I didn't hesitate. "Ask."

 ***

"Will you teach me some Russian? I was taught the basics of most every language, but once again, like with most things Joshua related, it's only surface deep." He paused for a beat. "Maybe this can be something small to start myself out with. And I hear that it is a hit in the romance department." He said the last with a completely straight face, making it hard to tell whether he meant it or not.

 ***

Surprise made me blink and delight made me smile, and warmed my tone.

        "V'seriozni?" Give the man credit--he dreams big. "Seriously?"

 ***

He nodded. "Yes, I'm serious. I would love to learn if you're willing to teach." The smile on her face made him smile too.

 ***

        "See me in my quarters when you come off duty. We can start then."

 ***

"Thanks again, Rina." He looked her deep in the eyes. "Maybe I'm not family yet, but I feel like I'm getting closer."

 ***

        It was unnerving when he looked at me like that and I did the only thing I could to dispel my disquiet: I snarked.
        "Maybe you should wait on the thanks, Joshua. I'm not an easy grader. Besides you know how the saying goes about family: Familiarity breeds contempt." And then I pulled a grin, mindful his feelings. "Or it breeds familiarity. Let's wait and see how it goes."

 ***

He had obviously made her a little uncomfortable, at least that's what her body language said. He still wasn't sure the best way to interact with her, but he'd learn. "C'mon," he said. "Let's go back now." And he motioned for her to walk alongside him.

 ***

        I fell in beside him and headed for'ard.
        "So, how much Russian are you interested in learning?" I asked as we hit the stairs up. "The whole nine yards or just enough to get around?"

 ***

"As far as you're willing to teach me, my lady, I'm willing to learn." Joshua was surprisingly happy at the moment, for having just admitted that he was lonely and homesick. He wasn't sure why either. But heck if he was going to work on bringing himself back down. And he smiled at Rina.

 ***

        "How far we go depends on the student,” I replied with a smile back. "We shall see." And I picked up my pace and beat him to the top of the stairs.

 ***

He paused momentarily on the stairs. Was that her flirting with him? It couldn't have been. If he lived to be a hundred years old, he wasn't sure he'd get a grasp on Rina. Not that was a bad thing, necessarily. If it was flirting, it couldn't lead anywhere, so it was harmless fun. And if wasn't flirting, then it was...well, harmless fun. It had been a while since he had some fun. Might as well see how far he could stretch it..."The student is a very quick learner and eager to please, but will need a lot of patience starting out," he said as he picked up his pace and hit the top of the stairs.

 ***

        I heard his stride pause on the treads behind me and I stopped and turned around. An expression flashed behind his eyes, there and gone in an instant, and on a hunch I replayed our conversation.
        Oh, shit. I wasn’t flirting, was I? I heard his reply and had it confirmed. I was. He's doing it back. Damn you, Christian. You should have told me that this was going to happen.
        Not that I didn't suspect it was possible, really, once I'd let Nika and Christian in. I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon. Unlike with Nika and Christian, two crewmembers I'd known for over a year, here was Joshua slipping past my defenses in less than two months' time.
        No, not impossible. Just...unsettling. But I asked for this. I wanted it and worked for it the second I asked Christian to take me there. Do it responsibly.
        After all, I might be gunshy--and for good reason--but Joshua’s was a different kind of delicate case from mine and I knew I had to go carefully. So I kept my tone light and bantering as I answered him.
        "Patience I might not have a lot of, but stubbornness...now that's a different story. I won't give up if you won't."

 ***

Joshua passed her by and turned around to face her as he walked backward in front of her. And without even needing to think, he said, "Anything worth having...worth doing, is worth making the extra effort for." His tone had unexpectedly lost a little of the playfulness. She wasn't seriously flirting with him, was she? He suddenly felt like he was on very unstable ground. He was probably just overthinking things again.

 ***

        "Absolutely." I heard him faltering and was instantly sorry for it. "I'm sorry, Joshua. I threw you a curve ball back there and I owe you an explanation for it. Just come to my quarters tonight and you'll have it." I looked around to make sure we were alone and gave him a quick hug. Walk away. Now. "Everything's fine. I'll explain when you get there."
        And with a parting nod I went aft at a fair clip. I had that fabrication project waiting for me and drafting up the plans for it would keep me occupied and out of trouble. So I crossed the threshold of the workshop without looking back. If I started now, I could get a good two, three hours in before dinner.

 ***

And Joshua was left standing there wondering what exactly had happened. And why did he feel like he had been spun around like a top in a hurricane? "Okay?..." he trailed off to an empty hallway before shaking his head and heading off towards his room.

 ***

The longest with Andy yet, but there's more on the way. See the rest using the timeline links below.

Go Back to Admissions | Go to Lessons, Part 2
Go to Peripatetica - Rina's Journal entry and RP log
Go to Rina's Russian Glossary
Go to Rina's Crew Page
Go to EPISODES or TIMELINE