Mental Exercises

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Ah, Kiera-cat, that was a dressing down you gave to Rina the other day. Did she really deserve that? Or instead of the dark-haired woman in the bathroom mirror, was that tirade meant for you?

Kiera sighed, yawning tiredly. I was in bad mood, she reminded herself. Family stress and all, you know. Rina's gotta get along with her mother better. Apologize to her for certain. She’s been faking dead for a really long time. Poor mom is in shock to find her daughter alive. You just don’t do that, surprise her like that and announce btw, I'm getting married in just a few. Miss me and can you make it? She nodded to herself, certain that she was right.

But that wasn’t it.

Maybe a bit, but was Rina’s long absence and supposed death her problem? No. What craziness the little engineer did was her business and in a little bit of time, Joshua’s, the poor bastard. If Natalia burdened Rina/Irina/Rinuska/hell, whatever her name was with a planetful of guilt, then let it be. Wasn’t her problem. It was Rina’s. Heck, it was Natalia’s, Joshua's and that poor, lovely, bats in the belfry father's. None of that family’s problems had Kiera’s name on them. Not a one. Her own annoyance was family-oriented, but washer own family.

She settled deeper into her pillow, snuggling into the comfort of the bed and her bedmate. No, what bothered her was that they had missed meeting up with her father and in many ways that both annoyed and disconcerted her. She had been a daddy’ girl, growing up the apple of her father’s eye. But her rebellion had started early, subtly at first, a bad grade here and there, a bit of headstrong defiance that grew into open rebellion in her teens. JJ had been indulgent at first, laughing at his red-headed daughter’s independence. But as her efforts grew to break free of the path that he had set in place for her, his tolerance for her resistance failed as did his patience to deal with it.

As he grew stricter, Kiera had responded with wilder behavior and blatant efforts to embarrass him and the Sullivan family. Threats to have her hospitalized, reprogrammed, disowned and drugged had done no good, only driving her to further extremes. By the time he had put her under guarded supervision for her second foray into higher education and had her every move and friend watched, vetted, and controlled, they were barely speaking and then only in terse texts. She did not invite him to her graduations, burned her degrees, and sent him the ashes in the mail once she had been satisfied that he no longer could easily get to her. Going underground had been a relief as much as an escape, fleeing to the Rim and the lowest of society to remove herself from the highest and the expectations that had broken her. Only her board exam notification survived her wrath, the certification to do medicine precious in a way that she didn’t understand at the time. She understood it better now.

The man at her side sighed in his sleep and she stroked a lock of hair from his forehead with gentle care. To be honest, she missed her father. And her brother and mother. Missed them more than she wanted to admit. There had been a rhythm to her former life, a steadiness that she found herself missing now. More than that, there were goals behind those expectations that she just did not feel here. At least goals that made sense to her. Maybe it was Nika’s growing militarism, the us against them mess that was growing between the Rim and Core. Speeches aside, she just didn’t feel that fire that her crewmates did, couldn't quite get her head around the politics, her heart into the soul of the fight. She had already fought the Core in her own way and broken free. And it wasn’t as much fun as the dumb-asses thought it would be, this living on the edge and on your own. Cus’ you burned your bridges when you declared someone your enemy like she had declared her father, burned them clean down and paid the price either to go it alone and struggle or the price to go back. Her price to go back was to admit that her father had been right. And the more that she found out, the more he was right. And that was just hard to admit.

And give him Joshua, came the voice in her head and she winced.

Ain’t happening, she growled in her mind.

You saw what is coming, Kiera-cat. What was in the hallway that cut you like you were nothing, what moved like that in that way that was so wrong. More than those blue-gloved bastards, more than those robed freaks, there those men were, dressed like normal, average rent-a-cops and yet damned scary. Come on girl. . .JJ is right. What can he do to Joshua? He’s not a murderer; he’s a scientist. He coulda taken him before and yet he let you leave.

He already got a scan off him. He got what he needed. JJ Sullivan always gets his way.

He let you go. He wanted to take his little girl home. Before she is cut off from him forever. There’s war coming Kiera. What side will you be on?

Her eyes rolled back in her head with exasperation. She wasn’t a soldier. Hell, she didn’t give a damn about any of this. Had she really spent all this time doing penance for the Summer’s Gift? Had she really been so lonely that this ragamuffin crew with all their idealism and optimism been so seductive that she couldn’t leave? Siding with the Rim was about as appealing to her as siding with the Core. Both would suffer. She just couldn’t find that right and wrong so clearly that she felt one side was more just than the others. She only cared about this crew. But this crew was gonna choose a side and fight and she just didn’t know how long she could stay with them once they did that.

Her heart leapt with guilty happiness at the thought of leaving, her thoughts suddenly filled with the man who she refused to think of. She knew it was ironic that she was reminded of him each time she looked at the dolphins on the wall in her quarters, had painted the scene to remind her partly of what joy she had experienced and partly to remind her what was happening to the crew when she was experiencing that joy. She and Ezekiel would never meet again, had accepted that they would never meet again. But the man with a ludicrous quest held her at her core and the memories of his voice and touch still resonated through her when she least expected it. She missed Ezekiel more than she cared to admit, more than she had ever missed anyone in her life. His loss was part of the penalty for her capricious anger, part of the penance for her betrayal that destroyed the Gift.

Do you think you’ve finally paid the price for your betrayal? came Ezekiel's voice in her head, non-judgmental and curious.

I don’t know, she countered softly.

She could almost hear his chuckle. Yes you do, Kiera. You’ve known; you’ve just not looked inside yourself.

Her mind was silent for a long time, her eyes unblinking in the darkness as her lips pressed tightly together. Her fingers strayed gently and tenderly over her bed companion’s body, gathering him against her to hold him while she thought.

The answer, when it came, came with relief and bitterness, the darkest core of her soul releasing something that it had nursed for far too long.

Yes, I have. For Rina, yes, because she has darker demons clawing at her conscience than what I did to her and was kind enough to forgive. For Arden, yes, because he never expected anything more though he hoped for better. She had not failed his low expectations and despite liking her, had not changed his mind. That made her smile for a moment.

And then, For Joshua, yes, because in this current personality, it was impossible for him to let go of anything that defined who “Joshua” was even if it hurt him. Her thoughts paused then and the quiet bitterness gnawed at her.

For Nika, no, because I was her friend and didn’t know it and will never be forgiven for betraying that bond that I didn’t know I had made.

A scowl marred her forehead before fading away. It didn’t matter anymore. Her penance was done and if it wasn’t, to be honest, she wasn’t gonna do it anymore. It was Nika’s problem now and Kiera gave it gladly to her, feeling the unburdening as almost physical relief. She could read the pilot, read her like a book, knew that behind those eyes churned a vast and burning distress that she had no way of releasing or fixing. At moments, she knew that Nika’s eyes were on her, angry and bitter, rned inside her like the bitterest bile.

But she never spoke of it, never let the pain out, never confronted the red demon that folded her sheets and brought her coffee. Kiera didn’t know whether or not to regard it as kindness or cowardice. In kinder moments, she thought it was the height of nobility, that sophistication to accept and to rise above another’s failings. And in other moments, the ruthless competitor that was the blood of JJ Sullivan made her sneer, to watch as Nika suffered that anger like a cross, suffered that bitterness like a saint, and yet did nothing, said nothing.

Her inner voice sighed gently. That’s a lie too, Kiera-cat. You have never taken joy in watching that struggle inside Nika. You don’t think her weak; you just wish you could find it in yourself to sneer so it wouldn't hurt you so bad. You know it’s slowly killing her and that is gnawing at you like a dog on a bone. Guilt again, that weakness that your father seems not to have. Yours, not Nika's. Yours, not Rina’s. Again, who were you fussing at in the bathroom?

Annoyed, Kiera rolled onto her back again to glare at the ceiling. Ain’t nothing I can do about it. Ain’t never gonna make her talk about it. Ain’t never gonna be able to make it up to her. I won’t beat her like Rina did, can’t talk to her like Joshua, can’t screw her like Arden. All I got is sorry and sorry don’t do no good. We are what we are. She can shoot me in the back someday and then spend the rest of her life saying she didn’t regret it at all and yet regretting it every time she closes her eyes. Or we’ll finally face off and we’ll see which one of us shoots better and straighter.

You’re just a train wreck going somewhere to happen, Kiera-cat. And you’ve added another car with this night’s entertainment, retorted her inner nag.

She rolled her eyes at herself. Ha! This one was fun!

Her inner voice was merry. So was the kiss with Joshua.

Oh hell no! She touched her lips with that thought, rubbing off the memory, shivering lightly. There had been a world of conflicting emotion in that kiss and she didn’t want to go back to that door again. We ain’t opening that Pandora’s Box again, she told herself sternly. Closest that she’d ever felt to the fire and seductive desire that was Ezekiel’s kiss, dangerous in its power to suck her in and drown her in a maelstrom that had threatened both their peace of minds. Nope, not a chance. Joshua might deny it, but she was certain that their brains had collided in that moment and she didn’t want to go back there again. That and Rina would beat her black and blue. She knew that to be true. Nika had showed that in living color.

And this one won’t be a dangerous box you've opened?

She don’t want him. And I’m leaving now; no more cuddling. I’m tired and want to sleep in my own bed. We just scratched an itch we both had.

With a little effort, she banished the thoughts in her head and slid out of bed, finding her clothes where they lay strewn wildly over the floor and furniture and dressed quietly. Padding softly to the edge of the bed, she leaned over and stroked another unruly lock of dark hair from the man’s forehead with a wry grin.

“Thanks for helping a girl relax a little, hon,” she whispered and kissed his lips gently before giving a soft whistle. “Damn, but you are a fine, fine lover Arden.” He stirred in his sleep and she paused to straighten the cover over him before stroking his face to put him back into a deeper sleep. After a moment, she smiled gently, kissed him again, and then slipped away to return back to her own rooms.



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