Never Be Mine

Vikki needed to resolve this issue and Valentine was kind enough to indulge her. Thanks, Andy!—Maer

Monday, 02 Jul 2525
Trans U, Polaris class Delilah
Vandenburg, Boros
Morning, local time

I look at you and see
My life that might have been
Your face just ghostly in the smoke…

Notes of song followed Vikki out of her dreams as she woke and the events of the previous day hit her hard. The pain killers had worn off, she was no longer high as a kite, and she remembered every inappropriate thing she'd said to Valentine.

Oh God.

Her stomach sinking, Vikki hauled out of her bunk. She had some apologizing to do.

As Vikki was waking up, Val was walking around the interior of their shiny new military grade shuttle. Running his hands across untouched panels, taking in deep breaths of new shuttle smell, Val wondered (not for the first time) what the hell he actually did on Delilah anyway. Yes, yes, he owned the damn thing but giving orders and making sure other people did their jobs was not the same as doing something. Even when he was the floor manager at the Golden Dragon, he didn't just order people around. He did one hundred little tasks that kept things running smoothly. He hadn't found that on board Delilah yet. All the little things that would need doing were beyond his skill set, at least at the moment. He wasn't going to maintain the engine and while he sat sensors with Rachel, he wasn't about to delude himself that he was particularly necessary there. Rachel had flown alone before Val arrived and would probably be flying alone after Val was gone. He hadn't found his niche yet, which was why he was selfishly thinking about keeping the shuttle.

Poco was probably right that they had gotten by without the shuttle before and it would have been a substantial chunk of change that they could have used. But where Poco looked at the shuttle and saw credits, Val looked at it and saw an opportunity to expand on what Delilah did. And maybe more to his point, that shuttle was a niche, waiting for him to take grasp of it. So he was going to keep the shuttle and teach himself how to fly it. And opinions to the contrary be damned, making decisions like that was one of the few benefits of being the owner of the ship. And gorram hell if he wasn't going to take advantage when he got the chance.

Thinking there was no time like the present to start learning, Val settled himself into one of the almost squeaky leather command chairs and started studying how the panels differed from Delilah's layout.

Vikki started on the crew deck and worked outward. She knocked on Valentine's door. No answer. She paged Rachel on the bridge. Not there, either. After confirming he wasn't in engineering or with Tian and Nuri in medbay, she checked the casino decks. No Valentine. Frowning, she stared at the roulette table and thought. They were on the ground. Maybe he took a walk off-ship? She hit the stairs, suppressing a hiss as her burns rubbed in their bandages. A little pain was to be expected and Tian assured her that her injuries would heal but as she came off the last step, Vikki started thinking that maybe she should have stayed in bed. The idea of a soft comfy surface to get prone on was looking rather good … and that devilish imp in her head painted a certain dashing Captain getting prone with her. Vikki cringed and clapped a hand to her face without thinking and the pain from her burns made her whip it away an instant later.

Dammit!

She waggled her hand in a futile effort to lessen the sting and paused a moment to get herself under control again. It was fortunate she'd tarried because she caught a sound coming from the portside shuttle bay. Small, barely a scrape, but even without looking Vikki knew she'd found him. Sure enough, the shuttle's airlock was wide open and sticking her head inside, she could hear the faint sound of someone moving.

"Sir?" she called softly, glad her voice didn't waver. "Sorry to disturb but do you have a minute?"

Hmmm. Wonder what Vikki wanted? Val knew she ought to be resting, but he conceded that it was unlikely that she would stay in bed unless ordered by him or Tian. And considering he had put her to work in the same condition rescuing the very shuttle he was sitting in... Well, it would be a bit hypocritical to tell her that she couldn't be up and about.

He called out to her, "Come in, Vikki, come have a seat in our new toy."

Valentine didn't sound mad or annoyed. A good sign. Vikki gingerly stepped aboard and took a deep breath.

Steady on.

"Hi," Vikki said as she entered the cockpit and took a seat. It was leather, smooth and cool, and soothing through her bandages. She ran her hands (bandaged and not) over the arm rests appreciatively and managed a little smile from under her lashes. "Nice ride you got there, mister."

"You were part of the reason we have it, so it's *our* ride, not mine." He looked at her bandages with some concern. "How are you holding up?"

Vikki suddenly found the console in front of her very interesting. Oh, yes, she did. Raking her teeth over her bottom lip, she gathered her courage and spoke to the console. "Investigating the underlying truth of the idiom dying of embarrassment, but otherwise, I think I'm okay."

"Don't feel embarrassed, Vikki. You were under the influence of some relatively powerful drugs." Val smiled at her. "Besides, it takes a lot to fluster me. You didn't approach that level." He wouldn't tell her out loud, but he found it flattering that she felt that way. But telling her that would probably just make her feel worse or more awkward, so he would just keep that little tidbit to himself.

Despite her embarrassment, Valentine's comment piqued her curiosity and Vikki grabbed onto it like a drowning man a floating spar. What would it take to fluster Valentine? What level? It hinted at depths to the man and she wanted to explore them. If stories from his past were all she'd get, she'd be glad to hear them. Stories were safe enough, weren't they? And he'd have the power to decide what to tell her.

"Good to know," she said, aware that perhaps she'd waited a second too long to answer. "I suppose the casino on Paquin has a few stories to tell."

"A few," he nodded. "Gamblers can be crazy, so you learn to filter out the strangeness, treat them as customers with no request being too strange. One time, I thought I might have to end up delivering a baby of a woman who absolutely refused to leave her lucky slot machine. Her water broke while she was sitting on the stool and she didn't miss a beat. Thankfully, eventually the contraction pains got to be too much and she let us take her to the hospital. I've had to break up fights and break up people who got a little too amorous on the casino floor. You just roll with it."

He paused thoughtfully for a minute. "The one time I can clearly remember being flustered was early on in my career as a floor manager. One of the waitresses had a thing for me and tried to get my attention by showing up after hours in front of my apartment, wearing nothing but a trenchcoat. I think the fact that it was so out of nowhere...it startled me. I had to politely turn her down and walk her back to her car."

Val knew Vikki wasn't that bad, nowhere near as close. But if she understood why, maybe it would be easier on her. "Harrison, one of my few friends and also my boss, had a statement that applied. A bit crude, but on target..."

"Don't shit where you eat and don't fuck where you work."

He gave his best that's life shrug as he said, "I like you, Vikki, and maybe in another lifetime, in a different situation, we might have been able to see what would happen. But in this one, I have to do my best to stay focused on my responsibilities to Delilah and everyone on board."

Given the nature of her home neighborhood, Vikki was no stranger to profanity but hearing it fall so casually out of Valentine made her blink. When you pull the tail of a sleeping tiger, Vikki, be ready to deal with his teeth. She could feel the blush creeping back into her cheeks but even so, she nodded, thinking if she ever met Harrison, she'd like him.

"It's good advice," she said, thinking of several instances where she'd encountered the scenario firsthand growing up. She'd known what to do back then but knowledge wasn't what she needed here. Experience was. And once, even if it was only once, she wanted to experience something special with a special someone. Then again, maybe you need to redefine experience and special. It isn't every day you'll get to be with a guy like Val … Even though in her bones, she'd hoped for more—Wait. Did he just say that he liked her?

Yes. He did.

Like didn't mean love. Like meant friends. And unlike the other times he'd said it, the ramifications of the word finally sank in. Regret swelled hot in her chest and burned in her throat. Vikki managed to keep it down. What had her mother told her once? Until you've had the bitter, you will never know the sweet. Bowing to the inevitable, Vikki put her chin up and stuck out her bandaged hand for a shake. It was going to hurt but she was going to do it, handshake and all. "Friendship, it is, then. Deal?"

"We are friends already but if I shake your damaged hand, I might not get to be friends with the good doctor anymore." He smiled, to make sure she knew he was joking. Vikki occasionally took him too literally. But to be fair, he was pretty serious most of the time. Made it hard to realize when he was joking.

Val leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. "For what might have been," he whispered in her ear before leaning back. The practical part of him said it was bad to potentially encourage her. But the other part of him that he didn't indulge often wanted to make sure she knew that he wasn't lying.

The boundaries of friendship firmly established, Vikki wasn't expecting the kiss. It took her by surprise. When he closed in, she froze. When he kissed her, her eyes fluttered shut and she leaned into it. Nothing she'd ever imagined matched the softness of his lips. The warm caress of his breath as he spoke made her heart ache to fly even as she resolutely held it back. The music that had followed her from her dreams surfaced and the words came with it.

I want you as the dream not the reality
That clumsy goodbye kiss could fool me

She opened her eyes when he retreated, the touch and the promise of him beyond her reach as sure as the farthest star.

But I'm looking back over my shoulder
At you happy without me …

"It's for the best, yes," Vikki said, prying her fingers from the arm rests as if they'd been glued there. "I won't forget."

This is where I want to be.
This is what I need…

"Spasiba, Val." She rose and gave him a small smile to let him know that she understood. "Thank you."

This is where I want to be.
This is what I need…

With her head high and her gait steady, she left the shuttle, keenly aware of his eyes on her but refusing to turn around and look. If she did …

This is where I want to be,
But I know that this will never be mine.

She closed the airlock on her way out, leaving Valentine to his shuttle and his thoughts, whatever they might be.

HOW TO SPEAK RUSSIAN

Spasiba =спасибо= spah-see-bah = Thank you Sound clip

RP NOTES

For those who might be curious, the title and the song lyrics are from Kate Bush's "Never Be Mine" from her album, The Sensual World. Find it here.

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