Past and Present
(Thank you Terri! - kim)
A month downtime was nearly intolerable to Tian -- she didn't want to stay on this planet any longer than they had to. Memories were too strong here. Leaning on the cane, she finally determined that it was time to have a talk. To that end, she bangs on Rachel's door. Despite the fact that the pilot's mostly been avoiding her, she knows the other woman is in her quarters right now, and the authoritative knock pretty much says she's not going away until Rachel lets her in.
Chel, Kevin, Shanta, Paul, vignettes of former crewmates at their jobs, past times in Delilah when she was stronger, younger. Paul with a rare smile on his face, her wrapped in his arms on his lap. And Jamie, Chow, Vasquez playing pool. And, Pipes, Pipes with his new baby son Freddie. A proud papa with his pretty wife at his side and their son in their arms. She would die ten years later, one of the early unexplained deaths that the government wouldn't talk about until they couldn't ignore it.
And in almost all the pictures, Lazarus was in the action or hovering near.
He had been a good looking man, she thought. Rugged, tall, well cut with enough charm to get himself in trouble all the time. Kept the hotness of his youth and morphed it into a maturity that his graying hair and mustache did nothing to fade. His son favored him in more ways than one. But even though he had his father's warm and caring heart, he had a little of Del's cool distance. And arrogance. The woman had been so damn sure she'd bring Laz home to her by getting pregnant with that boy.
And she had for just a flash of time, long enough for Rachel herself to leave and plan never to come back. And yet here she was, on the ship named after the woman she had grown to loathe, alone, with no one she knew and no one that had her back. Pipes, Chel, Jamie, hell even Paul, would have never questioned her turning back for the Captain. No one would have been able to look Laz in the eyes and told him that they left his son behind with Reavers chasing him. And she could have never told Delilah that the ship and calling that had deprived her of her husband and her inheritance had also finally killed her son. What dumbass Captain ever went off ship? That's what the crew was for.
She frowned a little. This wasn't a crew. Just a ragtag bunch of people who found themselves together and the son of the man she would have given her life for.
And had, she admitted with a tiny bitterness as a sound rang through the air. Rachel looked up from her pictures, torn out of reverie with the sound of the knock. With a slight frown, she closed the image book, gently putting it back into her desk, and went to open the hatch.
When she met Rachel's eyes, Tian could tell that it was long past time that they'd sat down for this talk. Their friendship this far had been a surface one -- easy camaraderie, a few laughs over drinks in the evening, a little sharing stories about their children. But the two runs that had put them all right here in this place.... those were bonding moments. And if she were going to stay on this vessel, by whatever deity might be out in the Verse, the two women were going to have to come to a deeper understanding of one another.
"May I come in?" Tian asked politely. "I thought perhaps it was time we cleared the air. Without either one of us madder than a wet hornet."
The pilot smiled sadly. "C'mon up doctor. Do you want something to drink? I think a few beers survived everything." She stepped back to give Tian room and shrugged. "We can talk in my cabin or out here if you want something a bit more neutral." She waved at the bridge chairs.
Tian offered a weary smile. The doctor wasn't sleeping well... assuming she was sleeping at all. "A beer'd be nice, Rachel." She allowed Rachel to lead the way and leaned on the cane as she limped into the quarters. Lowering herself slowly to the chair that Rachel gestured to and sighing heavily as she took her weight off her healing leg, Tian accepted the proffered beer. She took a long swallow before finally saying, "I understood, you know." Looking up to meet Rachel's eyes again, she rubbed her hand along the side of her jaw and rested her chin on it, her elbow on the arm of the chair, in a gesture that betrayed her tiredness. "I didn't want to give that order any more than you wanted to take it. He's... just a kid. Greener than green. And it hurt to tell you to do it... But I'd give the same order again." And she guesses that's the part that she needs Rachel to understand. "So I can't fly as XO of this crew anymore unless you and I can figure out how two strong-willed women are going to make it work."
Rachel just shook her head and at length, heaved a great sigh as she leaned against the wall. "I don't," she began, and then silence. Her eyes searched the other woman's face as if trying to read her and then, "You're right. I know you didn't." Her lips opened and then closed, pinching together hard before she spoke her next words. "But accepting that, why were we on Whitefall?"
Tian tilted her head and said quietly, "Rachel... I know that you think of Val as family. His father was obviously very important to you." She hesitated and said quietly, "I *do* understand. Maybe better than you realize. Do you think I don't want to haul David's butt out of the fire? Do you think I wanted to let him go off and be a Marine at all, much less to let him go back with his squad, out where Christian can threaten his life or use him as leverage? But those are *his* choices to make. It is *his* life, and if he chooses to give up his life in the saving of someone else's.... he has that right."
Releasing a long, slow breath, Tian tried to articulate the answer to Rachel's question. "We went to rescue my son... That was *my* choice. But I didn't just haul all of you along for the ride, Rachel. I made a point of telling all of you, and most especially Val!, over and over again that this was MY problem. You folks made the choice -- whether it was a choice to help me personally or a choice to follow the captain of the ship and let him make that choice for you, those were still choices. Our passengers, who you and I *both* made a choice to try and save, didn't get a choice in whether they wanted to be bait. And now some of them are dead because you didn't respect Val's right as an adult and as the captain of this ship to make his own choices."
Rachel just gave a soft, bitter laugh. "He shoulda come back. Let us take off and launch with the kids while 'Lilah flew decoy. She coulda taken the punishment while he got away with the kids. If he wanted to play hero, he coulda done that." Her forehead wrinkled with a rare scowl. "And. . ." She bit her lip, biting back words she wouldn't say. "Well, hell, ain't none of your business what a dying man asked," she finished weakly. Her fingers clenched and then she seemed to let go of everything, her face stilling.
"He's everything but my son, Tian."
Tian shook her head and wished she could reach out to Rachel. "Of everyone on this ship, I am probably the only one TO get it," she said softly. "If things had worked out differently, he might in fact have been your son." She offered a small smile. "You think I can't see that you loved his father? It shows every time you talk about him."
Her gaze went distant and Rachel stilled, leaning against the wall motionless. At length, she seemed to come back to the room, her blue eyes focusing on the doctor with an intensity that gave way after a moment to the older woman whose face she wore. Nodding, she went to sit across from Tian, heavily and wearily falling into the embrace of the chair. "I left Delilah and Lazarus for a long time because of that boy. He caught a transport back, went to tell Del that they were over and next thing we all knew here on the ship was that he was gonna be the proud papa of a son and he and Del were married. Whaddya say to that but congratulations Tian?" Her lips formed a smile not in her eyes. "Whaddya do when a few weeks later, you find out that you're having a baby too?"
Tian blinked and comprehension dawned. "Did you ever tell Lazarus?" she asked quietly. She knew family meant a lot to the pilot -- they'd talked about their children more than once and she felt that they had much in common when it came to that. "It's pretty obvious that Val has no idea," she observed.
"No hon. I just flew for a few more planets 'til I was afraid I'd start to show and quit. I was young. I had left before to try my hand at other ships. Laz was hurt I guess. But so was I."
She reached up to pull a red and silver strand from her eyes. "Del won. Wasn't gonna burden a new young family with my mistake. Rosalie is mine and the universe's. Laz never knew so neither does his son."
Tian nodded. "I'll keep it to myself," she said quietly. Blowing out another slow breath, she sipped from the bottle of beer that Rachel had given her while she considered how to address their situation.
"I still don't know you well enough to know how you're dealing with what happened," she commented slowly. "I'd like it if you'd trust me enough to tell me if you're having problems." Every time they talked, Rachel revealed new layers. "And if you can figure out what I need to do to earn your trust as Val's XO... I'd really like it if you could tell me. Because no matter what you think... the welfare of this ship and its crew is important to me. Command decisions suck. But I can't do my job if I don't have your trust."
"Reavers ain't new and neither is pain and death Tian. I try not relive the bad if I can help it much. But help me keep that boy from getting himself killed. I can't tell his mama that the bitch that stole her husband also killed her only son." She gave a soft laugh. "That's not me for clarification. It's the ship. I let Laz coax me back once my girl was old enough and although we tried hard not to, we fell back into one another. But even I knew that I wasn't nothing to this ship and the Black. I understood. Delilah didn't. He broke her heart."
She rose outta her seat, humor gone. "Delilah the ship took everything that Delilah the woman ever had. We heard rumors. Laz never spoke about what was going on but it was obvious things were wrong. We'd all speak about our families but not Laz. Not like the first few years."
Tian nodded slowly and then chuckled at the assertion that the bitch in question was the ship. "I knew what you meant. I already gathered that Val's mother was less than happy with his father's attachment to the Black and his vessel," she offered, amusement lighting her features some. But the chuckle faded. There is genuine regret in her dark eyes. "I'm more sorry than I can say for what Val's mother went through. And for what YOU obviously went through, loving a man who couldn't love you back."
Drawing in a deep breath, she offered, "Rachel... I will do everything in my power to keep this crew safe. I promise you that much. Any command decision that I make will be made, to the best of my ability, to keep ALL of us safe. But I cannot tell a grown man what he can and cannot give his life for," she said softly. "Any more than I'd try to tell you what you can or can't give your life for. I can only tell you that it isn't our right to offer up OTHER people's lives to save one of our own. And I've chosen to follow Val as the captain of this ship... by implication, that means when the man gives an order, I will follow it to the best of my ability. Even if I disagree with it. And I need the same from you." She rubbed her aching thigh muscle, adding, "That's not to say I'm not going to entertain debate or listen to your advice. I'm just asking that if we're going to be a crew, let's actually be a crew -- with ALL that it entails in this instance regarding a chain of command."
The last three words made Rachel wince, her face reacting before she could master it. "Your military is showing Tian and mine isn't. We ran a looser ship before you all came on board. It was us verses them; not them before us." She tried to smile, but gave up to rub her temples. "I flew ships run tight when I was young. But I didn't give a damn if the captain sent his XO out to die, or if the XO delegated that certain death to a lower crew member."
With a sigh, she leaned back into the chair, the understanding finally crystallizing where she and Poco and the others diverged. "Those were bigger ships. . .I didn't know anybody beyond the captain, navigator. . .bridge people. I know all of you here. As much as it causes me pain to do it, I'm gonna fight to keep you all safe regardless of the people that die out there and how pissed you and Val get. Those people won't be here tomorrow, they won't be here next year, and they sure as hell won't be out there in the Black helping us survive when something goes wrong on this ship." Her blue eyes, which had closed, opened to focus on Tian. "If I'm lucky, we will be here, helping one another survive to make it to the next group of hapless souls. But those hapless souls ain't gonna be able to save us up there."
Listening to Rachel seems to actually help Tian in this case, and she gives every appearance of trying to truly understand the pilot's point of view. "Nothing that you've just said in any way contradicts what I'm telling you that I intend to do, Rachel. I *tried* to put this crew first, when I told you NOT to go at the Reavers," she replied, her tone just a little tight. "You made a choice, Rachel-- but you didn't make it for the crew. You were willing to sacrifice the entire lot of us for the captain. And *that* is where I'm going to argue like hell with you. Because Val is an adult, and he is the captain of this ship -- if he decides that he's going to put his own butt in a sling and tell us to get out of here, that's HIS choice. If we, AS A CREW, decide to disobey that order and put ourselves at risk for his life, that's one thing. But I cannot and will not put our entire crew AND A BUNCH OF INNOCENTS in danger because our captain did something reckless. Or maybe heroic, depending on which way you look at it."
She paused and pushed herself painfully to her feet, leaning heavily on the cane she's using. She said quietly, "You're very, very lucky that I'm the only one of our crew who wound up actually in Reaver hands, Rachel. But a bunch of our passengers also wound up dead or in Reaver hands." Her tone had the careful blandness of a woman still struggling to cope with horrors that could not be articulated so must be carefully hidden away from everyone else. "I'll live with what I saw. Because had it been just us as a crew on board? I'd have backed your call all the way to hell." She met Rachel's eyes. "But don't for one minute fool yourself into thinking you did what you did to keep the crew safe. You did it to keep VAL safe. And despite the fact that I *do* understand it... it was the wrong call. And that... you'll have to live with."
Rachel rose to her feet with a grim smile. "I know I was wrong, Tian. Not saying I'm not feeling regret. But I promised a dead man I'd protect his son. I didn't take that promise lightly."
She inhaled harshly, letting the air hiss through her lips. "I can't change what happened, but I can't change a lot of what has happened. I should have listened to Poco and we should have taken off earlier. We shouldn't have been digging a well, we shouldn't have been poking our noses into something that wasn't our business. Trust me, I had all sorts of damn regrets when I knew that I had crushed Poco under the ship and that all the rest of you were being eaten alive as one of them banged on the window to come gnaw on me. You kinda revisit all your mistakes at those moments. And you try to change."
There's a faint grimace. Tian knew her tone had been accusatory, maybe even angry. That wasn't like her. "Yeah... I have my own regrets on all those fronts, Rachel," Tian said quietly, trying to modulate it better. "And I'm trying my best to make sure I can do better in the future too. That's why I wanted to talk with you... to figure out a way for both of us to keep us all safer. I know we're all doing our best. We're just... all pulling in slightly different directions, I'm just trying to figure out how to get us pulling at least mostly in the same direction."
The blaze of emotion she rarely felt roiled her stomach and she forced herself to calm, to regard the doctor with gentler eyes. The woman had clearly suffered. Well, darlin', damn, surviving Reavers is almost a boring drinking story for spacers. If that's the worst we'll ever face, bless you. Wait until you fly with everybody trying to kill you every day. At least the last war, you had the luxury of a side and a belief you were doing the right thing.
Her hands clenched as she jammed them into the pockets of her jacket. "I don't wanna be on the wrong side of you, Tian. I'll try. It's all I can do."
Tian shook her head. "You're not on the wrong side of me, Rachel. Believe me... more than ever, knowing what you told me, I *get* why you did it." She swallowed hard forcing a smile. "Doesn't exactly make the nights easier, but I promise you -- I may not agree with it, but I do understand it. We'll both live with what happened in different ways. We'll just keep on trying, okay?"
Rachel wasn't certain she could hug her; she could see shadows in Tian's eyes, see the pain as she moved. So she nodded with agreement and watched the doctor limp heavily away. She was still a moment and then pulled out the image book again, trailing her fingers over her old friends.
Freez'ins better than Reavers
Nothing like being in the Black
Icicles floating forever
But no teethmarks in your back.
Kill me if you see them.
A bullet is my friend.
But freez'in better than Reavers
No horrors at your end.
I've flown from system to system
No fear, stars in my eyes
But toss me into space or shoot me
When Reavers scour the skies
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