Reclamation

Andy blew me away with a particularly insightful observation. You'll know it when you see it. Thanks, Andy!--Maer.

Sunday, 27 Jul 2521
Kuiper II class Summer’s Gift
Parliament Deadwood
Blue Sun (Qing Long) system
2330hrs, local time

I was waiting in the forward lounge for word of Joshua and when Kiera gave me the high sign I wasted no time getting to med bay. I'd spent the hours since our return cleaning up and trying to reconcile my behavior with the job... and failing. I wasn't entirely certain if I wanted Joshua to see me. He was a Reader and skilled at picking up subconscious cues. I wasn't sure what he'd pick up from me. Not when I wasn't sure of myself. But at base, the fact remained that Joshua was an experienced hand at borrowing a role and playing it. I had questions. I was pretty sure he had answers. I just had to screw up the fortitude to ask.

I took a deep breath and crossed the threshold. Relax. He's supposed to be resting. Leave off the asking til later if we need to. We’ve got time. So I walked in and said quietly, "Welcome back."

***

Joshua had been closing his eyes and practicing his breathing exercises when Rina came in. He heard her voice and opened his eyes and smiled a big smile. "Hi," he replied happily. "Come over and sit with me for a little? I'd offer to kiss you, but I'm not sure my face is up to it yet." He could still feel all the muscles in his face protesting. Blastomere or not, a face wasn't meant to shift that dramatically or quickly and his cheek and jaw muscles were enthusiastically informing him of that fact.

***

Kiera had put his old face back ... and subtly altered it. A scar was gone and I fleetingly mourned its loss, knowing it would no longer be there for me to stroke in our quiet moments even as I marveled how skillfully the work was done. As for the other changes, I sensed rather than recognized them and knew that they would best map out in the dark after—. Stop. Get a grip. Move. Aware I was nailed to the deck, I came forward and kept my voice low. "Hey," I said and pulled a chair to his side. I gently took his hand and kissed it. "Better?"

***

"Now that you're here, sure." He smiled again at her. Something was up, something he more intuitively sensed than logically knew. It didn't feel like anything bad, just something she had on her mind. Bad he would've pushed her on, but whatever was occupying her mind could wait to bubble up on its own, he expected. She had a way of beating herself up over things at times he wished he could help her lessen. But that was part of what made her her, he thought. His own Borrower's credo crossed his mind - it really wasn't much different. He couldn't and didn't want to make those choices for Rina. But he could be here for her to work them out for herself. "Ship hasn't fallen apart without me, I assume? And do you like the work Kiera did? She said she made me prettier, but I don't know if I really see it."

***

"She did, though prettier isn't the best word to describe it." I leaned back and squinted at him. Seen through my lashes his livid face seemed less raw and tender and I could better discern the changes. "It's more like she's polished and refined things a bit. And yet ....," I opened my eyes and leaned in. "She's done it in a way that you won't stand out. Clever." I wanted to caress his cheek but held back. I knew he had to be in some pain. He was tight around the lips that told me it hurt to talk. Just keep it to yes and no. He can nod or shake his head for those.

"Want something to drink? Sleep drugs always leave me dry."

***

Joshua nodded towards the empty water bottle sitting by his bed. "Would you mind refilling that? Kiera gave me some post-surgery, since my voice still sounded as gravelly as Burke's. But I seemed to have emptied it."

***

Refilling the carafe was the work of a minute, given the proximity of the sink. I poured him a glass and added a straw before handing it to him. I sat and watched him draw on it gingerly.

***

He took a couple careful sips of the water, feeling the coolness rush down his throat, soothing it. "Good stuff." He set it down next to him again and then looked at her a little expectantly as he manuevered himself up to a bit more of a sitting position. Kiera had dropped him back to flat, trying to encourage him to sleep. How did that saying go? There'll be time for resting when you're dead. He didn't think he should share that particular thought with Rina, but he had done this surgery many times before. Resting could wait for later.

"So, I'm okay to talk if you'd like to. It hurts, but the conversation is good exercise for putting the proper muscles back in gear. Plus I'll keep doing my breathing exercises." And he made an overexaggerated deep breath in and out, hoping to make her smile even if he couldn't get a laugh out of her.

***

So much for keeping it under wraps. Not that I had a chance. He knows me too well.

"How much of the job do you remember?" I hedged, wondering how much I’d have to dredge up.

***

Joshua chuckled and then winced. "Ow." He then raised his right eyebrow at her questioningly. "The job was just earlier today, Rina. I remember everything I did. Blue Sun isn't around to wipe me clean anymore. It's not immediate anymore, more like watching a film, but that may just be how my memory works normally." He was a little concerned. What had she done on job that had gotten her concerned? She hadn't actually slept with any of the men as part of his plan, had she? The thought brought concern rather than jealousy, but he also didn't think she had. Rina had opened up some, but she was never going to be that open.

***

"Not immediate anymore," I echoed. Nice trick. Wish I had it. God, I could still feel the man's hands on me but worse, I could still feel that fey impulse that had made me egg the man on. I stared at the bedcovers, not quite seeing them, seeing what I'd done on the gun platform instead. "Have you ever had trouble letting the job go afterward?"

***

Joshua shook his head in a small motion, trying to keep from abusing his poor face muscles too much. "Not the Blue Sun ones. Remember, they wiped me clean of any they thought I couldn't handle. But I still think about those Reavers back on the Trafalgar. And I shot a man earlier today, Rina. He was a sick bastard and I only crippled his knee but I'll be thinking about that one for a while." He studied Rina a little closer, trying to read her without Reading, get a clue as to what was bothering her. Finally he decided to use the poor man's Reading and just ask. "So what happened?"

***

"Too much," I said and stood to pace the room.

***

"Come here," he told her quietly, holding his arms open. Words could be calming, but sometimes a little physical reassurance was needed to help the situation feel more controllable. Joshua couldn't use his face, but he could still give her a hug.

***

"You sure about that?" I fetched up on the farthest counter and gripped it. "After what I did today? You really want to?"

It was stupid. Even as I said it I knew just how much. But feelings didn't give a good Goddamn about logic. They just were and right now mine were pretty messed up.

***

Good lord, what had she done?

"Of course I do," he said calmly, hoping some of the calm would radiate to her. "I love you, Rina, and nothing you've done is going to change that, so come give me my hug and then tell me what happened."

***

Stupid. Really stupid. Get over there, you idiot.

I crossed the room without hurrying and let Joshua take me in. Having my feet on the deck made it awkward and by silent accord, he made room for me on the bed and I lay next to him. When we were settled I came clean.

"After the Lieutenant, after Ariel, I swore I would never trade on my body again. For ten years it has never been a problem. And now? I've done it twice in less than a month. And both times I did it I ...." I couldn't say more. My revulsion was too deep. I just lay there and let Joshua hold me and tried to breathe.

***

As they lay there quietly, Joshua holding Rina tight to him, he felt a painful stab of guilt. It had been his plan. His plan putting her in a position to throw her out of whack. He was going to apologize, shoulder the blame...then he saw it - the way out. But he had to figure out how to drag Rina along with him towards that flash of light, that escape at the end of the emotional tunnel. He decided to try going at it sideways. She might not see it coming and if she did, it would be because she figured it out herself. "Rina, do you consider a gun to be an evil weapon?"

***

"Of itself?" That got my head up and I looked at him. "No. The morality of the equation is found in the user, not the weapon. Hell, Joshua, jurisprudence is predicated on determining the suspect’s intent and basing punishment on it. And before you say it, no, I don't think I'm evil. Just ...," I sighed and put my head down again. "I never saw it coming. I'm not proud of what I did. I hate it. And I hate how easy it was for me to do it."

***

She had seen it coming, which made it easier, really. "But don't you see? That was the last of the things he took from you. The body can be a weapon and like any other, it can be used for good or for ill. With the misuse of his body, he took away your ability to use your body for the right. You've been so amazing at fighting your way back, taking it all back from the memory of him. And in using your body as a weapon for good, you've thumbed your nose at the Lieutenant one more time." He looked at her directly in the eyes. "What you did today to that thug may have saved his life. And that cannot be a bad thing."

He felt a little odd, like he didn't have the right to intrude upon that very private place of Rina's. But it was what he believed and he hated to see her suffer over something that was done with good intent. The other day, both she and Nika said they were headed straight to the hell that neither of them believed in. But Joshua believed in it and he believed that neither of them was going there. Let's hope she believes me.

***

What I'd seen as a catastrophic failure, Joshua saw as a triumph and if I was willing to unbend and acknowledge his viewpoint, he was not only being kind, he was also right.

It would be so easy, so very easy, to melt and let go my guilt and loathing, but honesty demanded I hang on to them just a little bit longer.

"I won't deny the truth of what you said, Joshua, but intent is important. Weapon or not, how you feel while you're doing the deed shapes your intent and what I felt was ... power. Power over someone who couldn't resist. And even if it was only for half a minute, part of me liked it and wanted to do more. That's ... You say I finally won back what the Lieutenant took from me. Maybe that's true. But I can't deny that I took something of him too. Maybe now it's finally surfacing and God, Joshua, I don't want it."

***

"You took no such thing," he insisted firmly. Damn face. He really wanted to kiss her but couldn't. So he focused on the words. It was all about human frailty, in the end. Having that frailty was part of what it meant to be human. And Joshua had spent more time than many, perhaps, examining what that meant. When you're not sure you're human, the fine details of the definition suddenly become very important.

"We all have evil inside of us, Rina. And weakness." Joshua had gone against his principles and shot a man to stay in character. Joshua knew about weakness. "But we work to make choices to suppress that evil. And when our weakness keeps us from being strong enough to make the right choices? We turn to our friends and our family...and our loves to prop us up. Now that you're aware of how that power over someone affects you, you can fight it. When it comes to fighting, you're one of the gorram best," he said, using the swear to emphasize his faith in her. "And I'll be standing beside you as long as you'll let me."

***

Ask for help. Take it when it's offered. Mike's voice came back to me from Miranda, from the fever dream that convinced me to choose the path I was on. What's it take for you to say 'yes', Irina? A goddamned engraved invitation? As a soul beset by internal devils, Mike would know better than most what I fought and moreover, what it took to win. Joshua was no lightweight, either. For the past year I've seen him take it on the chin, get up and keep on fighting, even when he doubted his own humanity. And yet, both men had declared me equal to the task of winning.

Was it pride to insist they were wrong? Or was it fear? Did either emotion have any place in deciding where I'd go from here?

No.

And with that admission, a smothering weight fell away and I could breathe again. Unbearably lightened inside, I gripped his arms as he held me, and waited for the feeling to pass.

"All right. As long as you want," I said when I could speak again. Words were too inadequate to express what I felt but for now they were all I had.

***

As long as you want?

"Forever," Joshua confirmed as he held Rina close to him.

***

Go back to: Timeline Season Four, April 2521 to Dec 2521

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