The Best You Can Do
Terri and I just fell into character and had this conversation during an RL visit recently. The following is the best we could do in recreating that conversation. Any errors are ultimately mine, as I was the last to touch it.—Maer
Monday, 12 Feb 2525
Trans-U Class, Delilah
En route to Beaumonde
Curled up with her feet tucked beneath her in a battered armchair in the lounge, Tian cradled a cup of coffee in her two hands while she mulled the situation surrounding the ragtag crew of the Delilah. She felt responsible; as if all of the craziness that had befallen them since take-off was somehow connected to the illicit cargo she'd had no idea she was bringing aboard.
It was late when Vikki grabbed a break from her general fixer duties and wandered the ship without a goal in mind, just stretching her legs a bit. Paquin was behind them and Beaumonde was eight days ahead of them. Her stomach rumbled and she belatedly realized it had been some time since her last meal. Rations were tight. She didn't dare eat anything in case she deprived someone else of their rightful share but she could at least grab something to drink. As she traveled up to the galley, she listened to the noises around her: the dull roar of the engines, the little pops and ticks in the hull, the hiss of the atmo vents, the occasional liquid drip from the pipes. Smells came and went—especially in the vicinity of those drips—and Vikki absently marked them on her mental map to get to later. Vikki encountered no one on her way to the uppermost deck. Delilah was a big vessel and the souls aboard her tended to rattle around in the empty spaces like beans in a can.
Well, maybe not beans, she thought as she poured herself a cup of coffee in the galley. But rattling around? Yeah. Doing that. Something caught her eye as she left the galley. Vikki saw Tian sitting in the shadows with a coffee in hand. Vikki paused. The older woman seemed pensive, even worried, and Vikki's soft heart went out to her. She didn't hesitate but had already crossed the floor before it occurred to her that maybe Tian was squirreled away in the corner because she wanted to be alone.
Too late now. If she doesn't want you around, she'll let you know. If she doesn't mind, though …. "Hey," Vikki said softly, taking care not to startle Tian. Nobody liked sloshing coffee into their laps.
As Vikki joined her, Tian looked up and offered a small smile. "You holding up okay?" she asked quietly. The younger woman worried her. So far as she could tell, Vikki had yet to really say anything about what had happened, and the toll was beginning to show.
Holding her own cup aloft, Vikki gave her a smile. It felt a little false but she gave it anyway. "Yup. Got my rocket fuel right here." She sat with a sigh and sipped her coffee, letting Tian drive the conversation. When several minutes passed without a word, however, Vikki gamely tried again. "You okay? You look … like you haven't been sleeping well. Not that I blame you. The stuff that's happened since Persephone, it …," she faltered as the memories rushed in. "Well, you were there."
Tian tilted her head. "Are you ready to talk about it?" Her tone remained calm, no judgment.
"What can I say, Tian?" Vikki swallowed hard. She hadn't anticipated getting drawn into this particular topic but she didn't want to clam up or walk off. It would be rude rebuff of her friend's kindness and Tian had done much that was kind already. She had to respond. "I signed up to help people, not hurt them. But it's my first time out and I … killed somebody."
"You know," Tian said slowly, "I think he probably understood the risks."
"What do you mean?" Vikki asked as her conscience stabbed. "That's one man who's not going home. There's no coming back from that."
"Look at it this way. Hijacking a truck is a criminal action. Even if they weren't expecting any resistance from the driver, the possibility of things going pear-shaped always exists, Vikki." Tian's tone was gentle. "They chose activities that held risk. I'm sorry that it got one of them killed. But you saved our lives. And I can't be sorry about that."
"I would much rather you and I were alive and breathing, but …." Vikki never wanted to kill anyone. She'd wanted only to avoid kidnapping and worse. She'd intended to give the hijacker her wallet, to bribe him with what little cash she had. Her wallet was in her bag, right next to her gun. Sonia's warning had flashed from memory, a plan flashed just as quickly into her head, and then the gun was in her hand. Is that how it's done? Is killing as easy as that? Something else from memory surfaced and Vikki decided to risk it. "Have you ever killed anyone before?" she asked, looking up into Tian's eyes.
"Yes," came the simple answer. "I was a soldier, Vikki." Tian grimaced a little. "Before I went to medical school, I was a combat medic, which usually kept me out of any actual shooting. But... for every soldier there is the possibility of having to shoot someone. And yes. I've done it."
"How do you—how did you deal with it?" Vikki inquired, wondering if that was the reason Tian was sitting alone in the dark. She tried imagining what Tian saw in the shadows, tried picturing what it must have been like as a combat medic, of being a soldier. Vikki's imagination was only too capable for the task and she had to stop, lest she give herself nightmares. Not that she had any shortage of those.
"With time," Tian replied. "In the end, that's all there is. Just... time. And acceptance." She studied Vikki a long moment. "And forgiving yourself. Are the nightmares bad?"
"I keep hearing that …" Vikki's lip trembled and her voice grew thin. "That … crunch …." A sob escaped her and Vikki clapped a hand over her mouth, shaking. She held her breath, not daring another sound. If she did, she might never stop. C'mon, get a grip. It's going to be okay. It's like she said. He knew the risks and chose to do the bad thing anyway … You saved her life. You saved more lives by saving the medicine. Focus on that.
Tian watched Vikki closely as the young woman pulled herself together. Survivor's guilt was something Tian understood from her own experience and she offered her what help she could. "Do you need something to help you sleep?" Tian asked, already going through her mental inventory of meds.
Vikki managed a deep breath and another. She steadied. After a moment, she said, "No, I … I think I'll be okay. I can usually rewrite my dreams, you know?" she added, her voice growing stronger. "Change the story around to something happier when it gets dark but …It's a little harder these days, is all."
"If you remember your dreams that well, perhaps you have the opportunity to change what you see happening. Take a closer look at what's going on around it." Tian shrugged a little. "It won't change the outcome, but it may bring you some peace."
Vikki nodded, giving Tian's advice the consideration it deserved. She didn't want her friend to think she didn't appreciate the offer or that she doubted her skills as a doctor. She thought of Tian's experience and wondered how she carried the weight of the souls she'd lost … or killed. "Is that what you do when yours get to be too much?" she asked, wishing she could soften her bluntness but was simply unable to do so.
Tian's dark eyes came up and she pursed her lips. "No. I'm not a lucid dreamer; I can't really push my dreams where I want them to go." She pulled in a deep breath. "I'm worried, though. I've come at this from every angle I can think of ... and there are a couple more that have occurred to me."
Vikki's curiosity stirred. It was her default state, of course. Her own misery was still with her but its acid bite was lessening as her focus shifted away from it. "Well, um … Share?"
Tian hesitated. "I've been looking at this since we found those weapons from the angle that.... well, hell, Vikki. The agent who did my exit interview from the navy pretty well flat out told me how this was going to go. They want to make an example of someone. I'm a perfect target. I cooperated with the enemy." She went quiet.
"What changed?" Vikki asked softly when the silence grew long, trying to follow the thoughts flickering behind the other woman's eyes.
Tian looked down at her coffee cup in her hands. "Vandenburg was going to be my command. I was on the short list for promotion. When the evacuation order came, I told them all to go -- that I would stay behind with those who couldn't be moved." Her jaw clenched. "As the fleet pulled out, they carpet-bombed the place." She looked up at Vikki, remembered horror showing briefly in her expression. "There was no reason for it. No action they could have taken would have turned the tide there. Boros... has always been a community divided. Some Independent-minded, some Alliance-minded. But they always managed to live and let live. There was nothing to be gained by what the fleet did." She shook her head, looking down again.
"I spent the months of captivity with pretty much a free rein. The injured came -- it didn't matter who they were, what side they were on. Alliance soldiers brought in their own guys, civilians, and Independent soldiers alike. Same with the Independent soldiers. Civilians brought in anyone they could help. It just didn't matter." Tian sighed quietly. "The medical board cleared me; that was easy. And I kept sitting here thinking that whoever it was who put those weapons aboard was trying to get me arrested with them, you know? A perfect set-up. But it's occurred to me that the other angle may also apply."
"Wow. I didn't know that. It must have been … I think you were incredibly brave to do that and stay," Vikki said and stopped before she said any more. Humility, or so her parents had taught her, was not the practice of thinking less of oneself, but of thinking of oneself less. Tian believed she was doing what was right. Praising her for it won't make her feel better. Don't embarrass her more than you already have.
So, Vikki thought of other things, things that Tian had said and not said. Pulling the facts together and combining them with her own reading, Vikki ventured an idea. "NGOs have been used throughout history as couriers for ... clandestine deliveries," she said. "With no apparent allegiance to any particular cause, it means that all sides will tend to leave them alone. NGOs go everywhere and IRP is expected to go everywhere." She sounded thoughtful. "That being the case, maybe it's just a third-party trying to send a product out and using us to do it."
Tian nodded slightly. "Could be," she agreed. "If the med containers all held weapons and meets were scheduled at whatever landing places were scheduled to be first on the ships they were placed on. It could be do-able. But no one on Anson's World tried to actually obtain the weapons. That we know of." She paused. "The possibility also exists that ... the Alliance wasn't in on these weapons, that it was instead someone hoping to supply the Independents. And I'd be a perfect way to do that as well," she admitted. "I became friends with several people during my time on Vandenburg. It wouldn't be all that hard, if you knew me and understood how I think, to take the risk that were I to find something like this in my gear, the LAST people I'd want to have it would be the military."
She shrugged a little. "And my head just continues to go 'round."
Vikki's head started to spin from all the possibilities spawned by Tian's speculation but didn't bother her friend with the ideas that cascaded through her head. The doctor had enough to worry about already. Instead she sat in the dark with Tian and sipped her coffee, sharing the peace and quiet until it was time to go back to work again.
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