The Only Way Out is Through
Thanks, Andy, for letting Tian have her little breakdown ;) Reavers are scary!!!--Terri
Movement. She was being dragged by the ankle.
Agony. Something wrong with her leg.
The cloying copper tang of blood. A lot of it. Smelled like a slaughterhouse.
Forcing her eyes open. The world on its side, blurred.
Flashes of light. The strobe effect making her dizzy.
A bloody hand, the fingers lax, brushing her face as she slid by. No arm attached.
A man’s … face? His teeth bloody as he chewed on …
Tian’s brain refused to bring some things into focus, even in dreams shying away from the horrors she witnessed in those halls. Bile rose in her throat and she desperately swallowed it down, afraid that she’d drown.
Guttural screams.
Jerking awake of the nightmare, Tian lifted her head up off her desk. She rubbed her face tiredly and stared at the page in front of her. She had to have a full inventory of what she’d lost in the crash.
Part of me wants to save you. Part of me wants to save them… from you.
A sibilant whisper from behind flooded her body with adrenaline. She went still, her brain blanking. What was that?
She listened harder, trying to hear over the rush of blood in her ears. Her heart was going to pound itself right out of her chest and she couldn’t breathe.
The sound came again, from the bulkhead. Panic drove her to her feet, and she crouched low, scrabbling around her exam table to hide. They’re here!
She searched frantically above her, knocking boxes to the floor and sending the contents flying in her haste to locate a weapon.
Nothing looked quite right. Everything had an aura of unreality. Another sound from the hall… A voice, but the words were garbled and made no sense.
You saw. You looked into his eyes. You understand.
There was an odd, high-pitched whimpering sound. She couldn’t locate the source.
Tipping her head sideways, Tian listened hard. Which way were they coming from? She ransacked the contents of the fallen boxes desperately.
Scalpels! Her movements quick and furtive, she swooped up a No. 22 blade and ripped the plastic off. Then she crawled low on the floor toward the door. The whimpering was a little louder now, and she realized it was coming from her.
She pushed herself to her feet, pressed up tight against the wall with her jaws clamped tight together to try to stop the sound of terror. If they came into this room, at least she’d make sure they killed her before they ate her. She held the scalpel in a two-handed death grip.
When the tall man came through the doorway, she loosed a scream as she launched herself at his back, scalpel raised high.
Tian had been worrying him and Val had made a commitment to check in on Tian on a regular basis. By the greeting he received, he maybe should've been checking in more frequently. It was only his general edginess from his own lack of sleep that kept Tian from taking a chunk out of him.
The scream came and it both surprised him and felt like he had been expecting it...or something coming. So he managed to grab hold of the wrist attached to her scalpel wielding hand a second before she buried it in him. "Tian! Stop it!" he ordered loudly, looking into her eyes, trying to see what the hell was going on.
She was clearly not quite all present. Her pupils were dilated very wide, leaving only a small rim of dark brown around them. She struggled with him, desperate to keep the scalpel. His voice did not penetrate and bring her out of it, instead she made a terrified keening sound.
It wasn't until he shook her and called her name the third or fourth time that she seems to snap out of whatever horror she was currently living in. Blinking at him in a daze, she trembled violently. "Val?"
She scanned the med bay with wild eyes, struggling to comprehend.
When Tian finally showed signs of coming out of it, Val firmly plucked the scalpel out of her hand. He then wrapped an arm around her in a half hug and led her to a seat. Because she did not need to be standing in her current condition. "You're back with me, Tian. Everything is okay," he calmly repeated over and over again.
Looking at Tian, so far away from the calm, collected woman he knew, it was hard not to get a little angry at Rachel. Rachel's attempt to save him was going to have consequences for a long, long time. And not the obvious ones, either. But, of course, he admitted to himself a second later, it wasn't Rachel he was angry with. It was himself for putting them in the situation in the first place. But he could beat himself up later. His doctor...no, his friend, needed him now.
She was shaking hard. The instant her mind accepted that there were no Reavers, no threat, she let him take the razor-sharp blade from her nerveless fingers. Sucking in a trembling breath, she leaned heavily on him, aware again of the ache in her leg. The incident with Nuri had clearly shaken her to her depths. Lowering herself slowly into her chair, she got a good look at the mess she'd made of her med bay in her mad dash to evade and escape.
Tian scrubbed a hand across her face and shook her head, the swear words she uttered under her breath enough to make a Marine blush. "I'm so sorry, Val." It was all she could say as she looked up at him.
"No apologies necessary," Val said calmly. "If I was pulling that scalpel out of my back and not your hand, then we might have something to talk about."
The knife she had come at him with was not the first time in his life he had been threatened with a sharp object. Not that he would say it to Tian directly, but it was almost like being back on the casino floor again, where you always had to be wary about what kind of surprises crazy, drunken gamblers would pull out on you. Obviously, not quite the same, but now that he was safe, he felt a little pleased that he could still handle himself.
"Nightmares?" he asked simply.
Tian shuddered, nodding slightly. "Used to be occasional nightmares of battlefields I'd been on years ago or Boros. Or of watching David die in a battle," she murmured. "Lately they're a little more... obscene." She was watching his hand as he absently held the scalpel and she blanched a little.
"Sometimes I can't quite tell where I am," she admitted. "I saw things in their ship... I don't think I'll ever forget. And watching Nuri... and worse, the kinds of things she says to me... " She bit her lip and looked up. "I'm missing some time. Something I saw over there was just... so horrible I can't make myself remember it. And Nuri has me terrified that I'm going to ... become something. That I'm somehow a threat." She gestured at him. "And look what I just did!"
"Well, I'm not a doctor, but there has to be something you can do to force yourself to sleep without dreams. Even if it is only every other night or every third night." Val understood about not wanting to be reliant on drugs (if that was the concern), but it seemed to him like there were times that not taking the risk was worse.
Tian nodded slightly. "I have been. Every three or four nights I'll take a mild sedative." She grimaced. "It's not helping as much as I'd like, honestly. There's too much going on in my head, I guess." She hesitated. "And considering that I already slipped and told the Shepherd way more than he probably should have been told about Nuri, I don't think it prudent to take him up on any of his more professional skills, frankly. Flashbacks are to be expected, Val. I just... need to ride them out."
Val was a little doubtful. Flashbacks were one thing, but knife-wielding scenarios were something altogether different. But, as he said, he wasn't a doctor.
"It seems to me that since he already knows about Nuri, that the Shepherd might be the perfect person to talk to. The cows are out of the barn already." He paused as he thought about the right way to phrase it. "This is not just your captain trying to make sure an important member of his crew is functional." Although there certainly was some of that. "This is your friend telling you that I'm worried that you're not going to just be able to ride them out. That you might need another hand to help you." How many layers deep did Tian expect to be able to pile up psychological wounds before they took her over?
Tian rubbed her temple and nodded slightly. "If you want me to, I'll make a point of asking what he'd suggest. Counseling seems to be what he does, so ... if he can suggest something other than more drugs, I'll listen," she conceded. "I've seen the effects of post-traumatic stress, but ... it's not exactly my area of specialty, you know?"
Forcing a smile, Tian said in an abashed voice, "Meanwhile, it might be a good idea to not sneak up on me."
"Do you want to mention that to the rest of the crew or should I?" The option to keep it quiet was not really an option. Not if she was potentially going to be armed.
Tian sighed quietly, the strain of having her personal business being broadcast about the ship obvious in her features. "I guess perhaps you better," she agreed reluctantly. Looking around at her med bay, she observed softly, "Given the situation with Nuri as well, it might be prudent to lock down the sharp medical implements. When I woke up in here the first time, she was sorting scalpels." Not exactly a good idea either, she figured.
Val nodded firmly. "l will let you take care of that part." Locks would help with the danger level. Nuri, on the other hand, was a problem he didn't have any answer for.
"I think we have given Nuri all the tools we have available. Unlike with you, I think we have to hope she works it out and be there to give her our support." And stay on alert, he mentally added the warning that he knew Tian was already well aware of.
Pulling in a slow breath, Tian nodded slightly. "I don't know what to do for her, Val. I'm afraid for her... and sometimes I'm afraid of her." She grimaced. "She's one of the sweetest people I've ever met. I want to do so much for her."
"I'm just afraid that doing anything other than offering emotional support might do more harm than good. Like tinkering with a nuclear bomb." They were so far out of their depth.
Val looked at Tian seriously. "But I meant what I said to the Shepherd. I'd die for that girl. I'd die for all of you." Val figured there were lots worse things to die for than family, even as makeshift as this one was.
Tian returned the gaze and nodded slowly. "I know." Her eyes searched his and she added in a soft, wry tone, "I'd like it if you tried to NOT be that way, however. In case it escaped your notice, it tends to send Rachel into a bit of a tizzy."
Val involuntarily chuckled. "I'm not in a rush, I promise. Hard to build Rachel's trust if she thinks I'm going to rush off to get killed every five minutes."
He leaned over and gave Tian a brief hug. "This will work itself out for the better."
She returned the hug, still trembling. The adrenaline surge was going to take a while to dissipate. Then she simply offered him a small smile and watched him step out of the medlab, wishing she could say all the things that were in her head.
She scares me.
The things she says imply to me that she sees something in me that is a threat. Did I do something in the time that I don’t want to remember? Did something even worse than the things I do remember seeing happen to me and it’s festering? Or is she simply losing to the grip of the insanity that is rampant among those who become Reavers?
Or are they insane?
Well… they are. But they’re not mindlessly so. She is right about that. What I saw in that Reaver’s eyes… terrifies me on a level so deep that I cannot control the panic sometimes. He was in there. He was aware. What I cannot figure out is whether he was … happy is not the right word. Did he know what was happening to him? Was he afraid?
Nuri doesn’t seem to be afraid at all. She says part of her wants to save them… and part of her wants to save me. But what is she saving any of us from? When I asked her that… she seems to think they need saving from me.
She has me twisted around, afraid of her and somehow afraid of myself. I thought I knew myself pretty well, but so much has changed these past months. And every time I close my eyes right now, I see the eyes of that Reaver. I see… that like Nuri, he was aware. What exactly he was aware OF is not clear to me. But he was in there.
So if they’re not mindless, what are they? Simply people with all societal expectations and restraints removed? No taboos, no morality… but they must have some morality, because they don’t eat their own. They do seem to have some kind of loyalty to one another, some kind of awareness of bonds. They are not mindless. If they were, they could not fly vessels, keep them at least in repair enough to operate, or organize enough to be the kind of threat that they are.
Thinking about it scares me even more. What is Nuri becoming? And did something happen to me that I will become whatever it is too? Or is she just trying to fight her way through as best she can, all the while just… driven to scare us to death?
Pulling in a deep breath, Tian pushed herself to her feet and began to clean up the medbay. “Time to yank on those bootstraps and get your tail end back in the game, Grace,” she ordered herself firmly.
Sure, her personal nightmares mattered… and she would speak with Faria, if he didn’t mind taking the time. But the truth of the matter was simple: She’d survived. And she saw horrible things. It wasn’t the first time. Doubtful it would be the last. She’d get through it, she just needed a little more time to process it.
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