Trusting in Faith
09 Dec 2520
2200 hrs
Summer's Gift
En route to Pericles Station
Glasses clinked in the cabinet as Joshua pulled out two and put them down on the galley counter. Leaning over, he opened the right side counter and skimmed through the alcohol stocked in there. The Gift was well stocked these days with two first class passengers. He reached in, moved one bottle aside, and found what he was looking for - a bottle of brandy. Blue Sun brand, which somehow felt ironic. But if he was going to get upset every time he used a Blue Sun product, he might as well just space himself now and save the misery. He grabbed the bottle with the right hand and pinched the glasses between his thumb and forefinger of his left hand as he headed out of the galley towards Faria's room.
Thankfully, he didn't have far to go before he found himself standing in front of Faria's door. He knocked on the door with the back of his right hand, being careful not to knock the bottle against the door.
"Shepherd? Do you have a little time to talk with me?" He paused briefly. "I brought a couple of glasses, if it's not too late to have a drink."
--
" 'Too late for a drink?' Out here in the Black, how could we tell? I'm sure it is happy hour somewhere," Joshua heard Faria say from the other side of the door.
--
"Well, then." Joshua wandered in and sat the bottle and glasses down on the table. As he poured each of them a drink, he looked up at Faria. "Hope you don't mind me intruding. I could just use some advice."
--
The shepherd straightens up a little. He seems to pull on his robes and adopt a more attentive countenance. He glances around to see the lounge is empty. "Of course my son. What is troubling you?"
--
Joshua picked up a glass and sat down in the desk chair that seemed ever-present in every room, even the higher end staterooms. "I need to know whether I should stay on board, Shepherd." He ran his hand across the back of his head, a Jackson mannerism that he hadn't managed to let go. "The pros and the cons seem equally weighted to me, and honestly, you're the only person that I can talk to that I can trust will give me an honest opinion on the matter."
His voice was almost eerily calm for someone debating just vanishing at the next port of call.
--
Faria smiles at Joshua's earnest concern. "You think you are a danger to the crew?"
--
Joshua nodded. "I don't think that's in question. It's just a question of whether they'd be better off with me on hand or better off somewhere else. And I honestly don't know. I'm having a hard time separating my emotions out from the facts."
--
"Perhaps you are right. From what I understand, this ship was making milk runs from Londinium to Bellerophon, the crew was rich and healthy until you showed up. You might have a point." He takes a long sip from his glass.
--
Joshua laughed in spite of himself and it felt good. He took it as an opportunity to take a small sip from the glass. He didn't want to get drunk. "You wield sarcasm as other people might wield a sword."
He put his glass down and shook his head slightly. "It's not rich that I'm concerned about. Just the healthy part. And Arden was right. The danger has escalated since I've come on board. I'm not saying I'm the sole cause."
He paused for a moment. "I wasn't kidding when I said I hadn't made up my mind. I'd have to give up people that I consider family. I'd give up probably my only shot at finding answers. And I'd say I'd have to give up Rina, but she was never mine to give up. But it would hurt leaving her. Is all that worth the chance that I might end up killing one of them? With my own hands?"
--
Faria lets the smile drop from his face. "There are great dangers my son. The greatest danger is hurting those we love. You can chose to protect those you love by leaving, but once you begin to see yourself as an instrument of others, a thing to be used, you've already given up. I think it is high time you and the others start to cross this chess board and move from being pawns, to being something more. It is only a few moves away. Might someone be hurt in the process, or worse, but if you just let THEM win by stepping out, what would all that be worth. Dyin's bad. Dying at the hand of friend is worse. but dying for something or someone you care about, well that makes life worth living. Course, best not die if it can avoided. "
--
Joshua pondered Faria's statement for a bit. "But..." he started to talk and then clomped his mouth shut. He took another sip from the glass, the warmth of the brandy going down helped settle his thoughts.
"What I need to know then is, how can everyone ever trust me? What happens if this is something that can never be removed, just something built into me?" And he smiled a weak smile at Faria, acknowledging what he had been saying all along about Joshua's nature. "Hard enough to transcend what we are now without money or supplies. Impossible if we don't trust each other."
--
Faria thinks a bit, looks a bit sheepish. "Well, I don't know. What makes a man trust another man. But I do know one thing. You can choose with whom you associate yourself, but you can't decide for them whether they trust you or not. That's up to them." He looks off past the hull as though reflecting on his own issues a bit.
--
"You know I trust you, right? For all that you think that I'm a Blue Sun machine and for all that it made me so angry...doesn't mean you weren't right." He paused a moment. "And even if you're wrong, you believe what you believe because of your principles, and I can get behind that."
Joshua reached down and finished what was left in his glass before setting it down with a clank. "If you think I should stay and figure it out, then that's a weight on that side of the scale. I can suffer not being trusted. Hell, I don't trust myself. But I've said before that I have to live it all one day at a time, and I guess that applies to the bad as well as the good."
--
"Has someone told you that they don't trust you? Rina? Has she said this? She is the twitchiest of them all. And I have seen quite a few. Has she said that she doesn't trust you?"
--
"If they trust me, they'd be idiots. Not that I'm ruling that out." Joshua shook his head. "No, she hasn't said it, to answer your question. But I shot her. Or so she tells me. This is the point where I should thank your God that I'm a lousy shot."
He chuckled. "I guess I just don't expect them to trust me. Or feel that I deserve their trust." He was starting to feel a buzz from the brandy, warm and comfortable.
--
"It is said that faith is belief in the absence of proof. Faith in God, faith in your friends. I would say that you might want to have a little faith. If.. that engineered soul of yours has room for it." The Shepherd smiles and takes another sip. So many sips, and yet his drink seems still half full.
--
The barbs no longer set him off like they used to. Maybe it was an understanding of where they came from. "It's funny. I've never had to have faith in anything before, really. At least, not consciously. I don't know if I know how. Something else to add to the learning curve. "
Joshua leaned back for a second, stared at the bottle and thought about pouring himself some more. It only took a few seconds for him to think better of it. "It scares me that they can just remove who I am just like that. But you'd say there wasn't anybody to remove in the first place. I guess that is where the other part of faith comes in, right, Shepherd? Having faith in myself. Believing some part of who I am exists somewhere irremovable in me."
--
"I think you've put more into my words than I said," he says demurely. "I wanted you to ask some questions, of yourself. You see, Joshua, I am a believer in souls. And my conception of souls is a bit more robust than the machination of Blue Sun, or the Alliance, or anything else of this world. Of course, for beings such as you and I, such things are never easy."
--
"What, Blue Sun made you too?" He waved his hand in front of him. "Sorry, bad taste. When I get maudlin, I get self-deprecating. I apologize."
He looked over at Faria. "I guess I'm not following. Are you just saying because we're human, life is hard? Seems pretty basic, I guess, if a little depressing."
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"Faith is hard. Faith in yourself, Faith in those you love. Faith, that there is more to life than one series of escapes from one peril to another. And yes it is the fate of all humans to face that, if they pay attention anyway. Perhaps for some it is easy... For others it doesn't come so natural."
--
As Faria spoke, Joshua reached into his pocket and pulled out the small silver cross on a chain. He rolled it between his fingers, thinking about what it meant to have faith. He had faith one time he had a family, a mother. He missed believing that. He didn't think he could find that again, but maybe Faria was right. Maybe time to find faith in something.
He nodded at Faria. "You're right, Shepherd. Time to have some faith that things will work themselves out. Faith in myself doesn't come so easy, you're right about that too. But I'll work at it."
He paused for a brief moment and put the cross back in his pocket. "Thanks. Both for listening and for the advice. Is there anything I can do for you, either as the steward or as a friend? You seem so self-contained that sometimes I forget to ask and just see how you are."
--
"You've already helped me, son. I need to save a soul now and again. Well, try at least, or the man upstairs threatens to take my collar." He wheels himself back a bit. Then he looks up again at Joshua. "This is from the Marine in me... so forgive me if it don't sound too biblical. If you’re some robot assassin - fine. So be it. But don't let people get hurt on account of your navel gazing. You understand soldier?"
--
Joshua snapped to without even realizing it. "Yes, sir." And then realizing what he did, he chuckled. "I'm good at following orders," he said, still chuckling. "Thankfully, I'm lousy at killing people. If Blue Sun had wanted an assassin, they could've done a better job, honestly."
He stood up and picked up his glass. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you." He then grabbed the bottle of brandy with his other hand and motioned toward Faria's glass. "Top you off before I leave you alone to some peace and quiet?"
--
"That would be mighty Christian of you."
--
And with a quick pour, Joshua topped off the Shepherd's glass, and then headed for the door. "Thanks again, Shepherd. I needed both the advice and the mental slap to the face." And before Faria could get a chance to respond, Joshua slipped out the door and headed back to the galley to put things away and get back to doing his job. I have faith I can do that at least, he thought, as he started washing the glasses.
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