Forgotten Freedom:33

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(knock knock)

Jarlot: Yeah? What? I'm busy.

(knock knock knock)

Jarlot: GO AWAY!

(Michael kicks the door down)

Michael: I NEED TO TALK... OH MY GOD...

Jarlot: ...I didn't need you to see this.

Michael: Captain, I knew you lived... differently from other men, but I never expected you to....

Jarlot: What!? I'm sick of you people persecuting me for being the way I am!

Michael: *gulp* I... you're my friend, Jarlot, so I suppose I can accept this new revelation about your preferences.

Jarlot: Thanks. Finally some respect.

The Captain, meanwhile, gets up from his WarhammerTM miniature covered tables as all of the Dungeons and Dragons material is off to the side.

Andrea, Marish, and Chalky are here

Jarlot: Same time next week?

Andrea: Do I always have to play the Forces of Order?

Jarlot: Yes, because Good is Dumb.

Marish: I posed for a lot of the artwork in these books.

Jarlot: Okay, you've got five minutes, Michael. I'm singing the song that ends the world and then I'm STing a game of Exalted.

Michael: OH SWEET DEVOURER! Don't tell me that sort of stuff! I don't want to know about your... stuff like that! And it's DMing damnit! Old school!

Jarlot: Four minutes, fifty-five seconds.

Michael: I love Lisa and want to marry her but I'm not sure if she likes men.

Jarlot: New rule list.

5170. Don't turn my goddamn ship into an episode of Friends.

5171. Don't come to me with your relationship questions...

Michael: Jarlot... you're my only friend.

Jarlot: Oh sw... don't cross that line Michael. I don't DO friendship.

Michael: Seriously. I grew up on the streets of Sharn, the Cult of the Dragon Below raised me, and I've pretty much lived my entire life surrounded by blood and death. I know a thousand ways to kill someone and... here, I just don't want to anymore.

Jarlot: Wow, did you pick the wrong ship to develop that habit on.

Michael: Don't mock me. These feelings are raw... alien... scary.

Jarlot: First Mate Slip...

Slip: Yes sir.

Jarlot: Summon Lisa...

(Lisa gets up onboard)

Michael: Hu... hu... hi Lisa.

Jarlot: Lisa, do you like men or women in a sexual capacity?

Michael: *SPUTTER*

Lisa: Eh?

Jarlot: Listen, Michael is a sad and pathetic wreck of a man...

Michael: HEY!

Jarlot: A victim of the kind of abuse and brainwashing by a cult that you and I can only dream about. He's done abominable things and frankly by your religion deserves to die. Yet on the other hand, it's gradually soured. He loves you... and not just the interpretation he didn't understand before. However, he's willing to respect that you simply don't feel the same way.

Michael: If by respect you mean toss myself over the side of the ship, yeah.

Jarlot: Good man. You don't have to like him, Lisa, and you may not owe him an honest answer or even have to give him the time of day, but could you tell him this simple fact so I can get back to my gawd-damned gaming? I've got Boranal coming over for beer and harlots later.

Lisa: I don't... I don't know.

(She walked off down into her hold)

Michael: Well that was like having my heart ripped out and stomped on.

Jarlot: I was fourteen years old when I ran away from my home, Michael. I joined the army of Cyre to provide stability in my life after living quite unpleasantly for two years. After Cyre was destroyed, I was alone on this planet. Since then I've claimed to be everything under the sun and devoted my life to being rich... If you can find someone to care about onboard this ship of all places, Michael, then you should. Don't waste yourself on a false dream though. Underneath that trouble, there's a good man.

Michael: Man, I want to kill something....

Jarlot: I'll get you a character sheet.

Volrath shows up in Jarlot's room carrying so many papers and books. He had to grow several extra arms and tentacles to carry them all.

Volrath : Please, can we play 2nd edition? I brought all of the books and can teach you guys really easily.

Jarlot : No way, I told you nothing that was like our world so unless you brought an approved campaign setting, no.

Volrath : Ravenloft?

Jarlot : Too gothic.

Volrath : Spelljammer?

Jarlot : Too sci-fi.

Volrath : Planescape?

Jarlot : Maybe.

Volrath for the first time notices that Michael is in the room.

Volrath : Don't tell me that he's playing.

Michael : Must get away from the geekiness

Michael runs away. Jarlot : Too bad.

Volrath : Also, captain, can I please keep my aberrations? I promise to use them more responsibly. Also should I take my copy of Baldur's Gate out of the ship's computer lab.

Jarlot : Well I guess you can keep the aberrations if I get a cut of all conquests, they don't attack crew members above redshirt rank, and... Wait, since when have we had a computer lab?

Volrath : Well, it was here when I got here. The only people to go to it regularly are Ketler, Phollie, Vrin, and me. You would be surprised by how good Vrin is at those games. He has Godlike power!

A good while later after Jarlot abandoned his P&P game, in favor of computers, and his consequent lynching. Lisa is sitting in the mess hall eating some soup. She is still oblivious to over half the conflict she is causing. As she leans over to pick up a small turkey from her plate, it gets up and attaciks her with a flying jump kick. The kick bounces off harmlessly, but the turkey is not deterred. It begins to unlease a series of karate chops and kicks. All of these also bounce off. Lisa finally manages to smash it with her hammer.

Michael is fleeing from the geeks when he turns the corner and bumps into Erk. Next to Erk is Reman, and it looks like they were having a conversation.

Michael: Watch where you're going, you overgrown leather jacket!

Reman (immediately jumping into lawyer mode): Michael McCellan, according to his crew records—-which can be obtained by filling out Information Acquisition form 34, having the captain ignore it, and then go whining to either him or an über—Erk is a full-blooded minotaur, meaning that he has a natural sense of direction—-explained under Natural Cunning (Ex), Monster Manual 3.5e p. 189—despite having an apparent intelligence that would be better suited to an actual cow.

Michael: Well I don't give a… wait, did you say apparent? You mean Erk is actually SMART?

Reman: Mr. McCellan, such information is covered under the Lhazaar Pirates' Privacy Act of -2,500 Before Galifar. If you wish to requisition that information…

Michael: Shut up, before I have to make you shut up!

Reman: I believe such an act would fall under the purview of "Good", as defined under the D&D rules "Killing Bad People Is Okay" as established in the landmark Fanatical Good Guy vs. Bad Guy Who Is Manipulating the System, thus causing you… Michael just raises his sword. Reman stops, and he is obviously about to try an utterance. Erk quickly analyzes the danger of the situation, then picks Michael up by his head and rams him through the nearest wall.

Erk: *grumbles something unintelligible* (points)

Reman: You were acting in defense of another, and Mr. McCellan clearly provoked a reaction. You can even file a claim against him for undue injury to your hand because his head was enough to punch through the wall on its own. But let us not dwell on that. Come, I need you to hold my seriously heavy tomes of law so I can review sports injury cases…

Erk (*s are supposed to indicate psychic or thoughts, right?: *Close one. I'll have to figure out a way to make it up to Roosevelt. Maybe I can switch Pholly and Phollie for the Haz'rack totems using my hidden powers of illusions…*

Igor approaches Chalky and Smig, who are trying to figure out why the totems suddenly sound like Pholly and Phollie.

Igor: Thirth, I believe there hath been a mixthup.

Chalky: What is it, Igor?

Igor: I did not thign up for a team. I wath thinking of being a referee.

Smig: You didn't sign yourself on? Hmmm, better have a talk with Kithle and Kanatash. Someone might be trying to rig the game.

Igor: Ath you can thee, thirth, I have a limp. I do not walk quickly.

Chalky: But don't you get around the ship without anyone noticing. And very quickly, I might add.

Igor waves a hand dismissively.

Igor: Tho doeth Erk. We uth the Lether Crew pathegeth. You don't need to be Kanatath to path through a wall.

Chalky: Well if you really feel you'd serve better as a ref…

Igor: Who on thith thip would be more imparthial than the one who hath no fear? Everybody theemth to like me, and Tha'vor, Kithle, and Kanatath would kill anyone who harmed their ultimate "thervant to be".

Smig: Excellent point. Plus you can aid Terra in keeping Roosevelt in check. And you can make sure that none of the Lesser-Used try anything funny with those secret passages.

Igor bows.

Igor: I aim to therve.

Chalky: Sorry, Igor, but unless you can find someone to take your spot you can't be a ref.

Norbaz: Okay so I'm an alternate, if you need me on the field, come and get me, I have to set this place up for dinner.

Terra: So, I hear you've been made a ref.

Igor: Yeth, mithtreth. I am thuppothed to help you keep the lether crew under wrapth.

Terra: You can stop calling me mistress. You don't work for me anymore.

Igor: Thorry, forthe of habit. Tho howth buithneth?

Terra: Booming. I still haven't found anyone nearly as capable as you, but I understand why you had to leave...

Igor: I go where I am needed. Thtill, I am glad you liked my work.

Terra: You really are one of a kind. I never realized how hard good help was to find until you left.

Klaz: Just letting ya know mate. Now I gotta get back on deck, crikey, this game's a beaut. Reminds me of the time I had to lasso a rex down in Talenta. Bugger had Great big teeth and if he'd bitten me, well, let's just say it would have taken more than a potion to get me on my feet.

As Klaz Dingo leaves, Norbaz continues setting the dishes and silverware out in the mess hall. Suddenly he notices that Lisa is still there, almost full plate of food, and holding her Warhammer on the table above a twitching piece of turkey. The utter look of despair and confusion on her face is actually alarming. Norbaz remembers last time Lisa had a breakdown, he still has the broken ribs from that encounter.

Norbaz: Something on your mind?

Lisa looks up at the half-giant and tries to hide her turmoil with indignance.

Lisa: Nothing to concern yourself with.

Norbaz: Sorry, you're just moping in my mess hall, I thought I'd find out what's going on.

Lisa: I AM NOT MOPING

Lisa brandishes her hammer and prepares to strike. Suddenly she feels as though there are attacks coming from every direction. She tries to steady herself but falls back to her spot on the bench.

Lisa: By the Flame, what was that.

Norbaz: Distract assailant, didn't feel like being smote. Now, in all honesty, what's on your mind?

Lisa: I'm... troubled.

Norbaz: There are only two kinds of trouble that can have you stepping off your usual moral high horse of righteousness.

Lisa: EXCUSE ME!

Norbaz: And their names are Terra and Michael.

Lisa: ...

Norbaz: Want me to get Kanatash? He's the councilor after all.

Lisa: No...no. I don't really need his mindgames right now.

Norbaz: But you need something.

Lisa sighs.

Lisa: Speak a word of this to anyone and I will visit upon you the justice of the Silver Flame.

Norbaz: Not a problem. My lips are sealed. I'm just a humble cook, looking to promote some kind of harmony and order on this ship.

Lisa glares at him.

Norbaz: Well, order yes. Harmony might be too boring.

Lisa: Regardless... Yes... I'm... I'm confused right now. I don't know what to do. I have no idea how to feel or what I feel for that matter.

Norbaz: Seems like you need something to figure out the truth. Hold on a second.

Norbaz leaves, only to return with three bottles of wine. He sets them down before Lisa.

Norbaz: Truth wine. You're a paladin, so I figure you'll need a lot of the stuff to have any affect. If is a decently powered alchemical truth serum and alcohol, so that doubles how open you'll be with how you feel.

Lisa: You expect me to get smashed right here?

Norbaz: No, I'm suggesting you go back to your room, pray, have some drinks, and then ask yourself what's important or who is important to you.

Lisa looks at the half-giant suspiciously

Lisa: Why even help?

Norbaz: I owe Michael and Terra for a few things, and regardless of who wins out in the end, this situation just needs some resolution. For everyone's piece of mind, and Marish's betting pool.

Lisa: Well, I suppo- what?! Marish has a betting pool for who I end up with?!

Norbaz: Are you really that surprised.

Really Creepy Voice Behind Chalky: I HEARD YOU NEED A PLAYER TO REPLACE IGOR.

Chalky, who was in the middle of working out the business with the totems, seriously does not want to turn around.

Chalky: My team needs another alternate.

Really Creepy Voice Behind Chalky: IGOR AND I ARE OLD FRIENDS. I HAVE SEEN HIM TRY TO PLAY HAZ'RACK. HE DOESN'T RUN WELL.

Chalky (now sweating): Well what do you suggest?

Really Creepy Voice Behind Chalky: I WILL TAKE HIS PLACE. I AM VERY GOOD AT CONTACT SPORTS. AND JUST TO REASSURE YOU, I AM NOT AN ÜBER.

Chalky: Are you member of the crew? Because I've hear that Igor knows a lot of strange people…

Really Creepy Voice Behind Chalky: I HAVE BEEN ABOARD SINCE THE CAPTAIN BOUGHT THIS SHIP. I HAVE BEEN IN ALL THE BATTLES. I HAVE EATEN NORBAZ'S CHILI AND LIVED (IT'S VERY GOOD STUFF). I PARTICIPATE IN THE POOLS.

Chalky: Yeah? Well… who're you betting on now?

Really Creepy Voice Behind Chalky: LISA WILL REMAIN SINGLE.

Chalky: What kind of bet is tha…

Chalky turns around. There is no one there. Then, for some unknown reason he finds his gaze drawn down to the black rat standing before him.

Chalky (disconcerted): And you are?

Rat: MY NAME IS UNPRONOUNCABLE IN YOUR LANGUAGE. YOU MAY CALL ME CHEESE.

Chalky has the thought that this is a funny name… but some part of his instinct… a part of him that he is more aware of because he spent so much time among shifters… screams "IT'S A GREAT NAME!"

Chalky: Nice to meet you. I just have one question…

Cheese walks up to Chalky's foot and lifts him without any apparent effort.

Cheese: I ALSO HAVE A REFERENCE FROM TERRA. ALTHOUGH IT SEEMS MOSTLY TO CONSIST OF THINGS SHE PROMISES TO PUT IN YOUR FOOD…

Chalky: You're in!

Chalky: Careful, Marish is on their starting line and frankly she plays dirty and has probably played more Haz'rack than anyone but me or Smig, possibly more than Smig. She will try to eat you.

Cheese: I'LL BE CAREFULL.

Chalky: And quit it with the voice.

Cheese: Sorry.

Volrath : Damn turkey, should have known it wouldn't work. Time to move on to plan B.

The next morning

Lisa stumbles into the mess hall looking tired and nervous. Mickey looks up as she sits down beside him.

Lisa :My welcome mat tried to eat me, my pillow nearly smothered me, the walls started dripping acid, poison needles popped out of all the cabinets. Can't sleep, zombie clowns will eat me. Can't sleep, zombie clowns will eat me. Can't sleep, zombie clowns will eat me!

Mickey : Maybe a muffin will help.

Lisa : I guess.

Lisa inspects the muffin, casts detect poison, and finally cracks it open.

Lisa : Are those razor blades?

Mickey : It wasn't me!

Lisa : I know.

Volrath walks into the mess hall.

Lisa (seathing with anger) : You!!!

Volrath : You're still alive? Oh ****!!!

Volrath runs out of the messhall with Lisa in hot pursuit.

Volrath (mini-me scream) : EEEEEeeeeeeyyyyyyyy!!!

Lisa (shouting) : You can't run forever!

Volrath : Just watch me!

Nalfein: (Grumbling) Stupid Sa'vor, not making me into a vampire, no good, rotten...

He walks onto deck and sees Allen walking toward him.

Nalfein: PLEASE MAKE ME A VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!

Allen: WTF, GET AWAY FROM ME!

Allen starts running away and then jumps off the ship.

Nalfein: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Allen: Finally, got away from him -

He looks down and sees Flamekeep just under him.

Allen: Oh ****.

5172 Nalfein is no longer allowed to ask Allen or Sa'vor to make him a Vampire

Nalfein: *cry*

On Deck:

Satnak: ALL RIGHT YOU WORHTLESS WASTES OF CHILI. SIGN UPS ARE CLOSED, STARTERS READY, TOKENS ACTIVE, TOTEMS IN PLACE. LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

Satnak: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU CRETINS, I SAID LET THE GAMES BEGIN, START MURDERING EACH OTHER WITH YOUR BARE HANDS ALREADY.

Lisa: The part that scares me, is that despite that she's still one of the nicest people on the ship.

Chalky: Its good to see a human with the right idea. Too bad she couldn't play.

Lisa: That thought is worth a few blood-soaked nightmares.

At some point, Michael is in his room, drinking heavily. Aerith shows up, shakes her head fondly, and taps him on the forehead. He is instantly sober.

He springs to his feet. "WHAT THE HE- oh, Aerith. Whaddaya want?"

She hugs him. He hugs back, and blinks furiously to get rid of that sudden speck of dust that seemed to have gotten into his eye. Well, both eyes. She steps back and looks at him.

"Mike, if you need to cry, go ahead. No one can spy on you right now."

Michael shakes his head. "No thank you. And only Brianna gets to call me Mike."

"I am Brianna."

"No, you're Aerith."

"No, I'm Brianna. Aerith - she helps me stay happy, but Devas . . . well, they aren't so concerned with staying happy all the time. Joy, yes. But not happiness."

Michael snorts. "There's no difference. Brianna, I've lived in the world. Happiness and joy are the same thing, and the only way I've ever felt it is by doing something evil."

Aerith tilts her head. "Predatory instinct. Adrenaline rush. Fight/Flight/F**k. Chemical high. That is not what your sister feels. And if you are so addicted to that transitory state, why do you spend so little time in it?"

Brianna to Aerith: *Aerith! Stop being mean!*

Aerith: *You don't have unlimited time in this session. Now you won't waste 30 minutes getting to the point.*

Michael: "YOU ANGELIC B***H! WHAT THE H**L DO YOU KNOW ABOUT WHAT I FEEL?"

Brianna "She has an advanced degree in what she calls 'Sophont Brain Chemistry'. She hasn't been through it herself, but she knows all about it."

Michael: "Grrrrr . . ." *sigh* "All right, what's the difference?"

Brianna "Which difference?"

Michael: "Between your happiness and mine. Duh."

Brianna "I really don't know. I don't destroy for the fun of it."

Michael: "If you want to be a stuck up b***h about it, you can leave."

Brianna "No, seriously. I don't get the thrill you do. But . . . I think you do know what my kind of happiness is."

Michael: "Really."

Brianna "Michael, why did you almost break down into tears when I hugged you?"

Michael: *long pause* "I- "

Brianna "You know the problem with taking evil seriously? I mean this whole Adversarial approach that's the heart of the alignment."

Michael: "What?"

Brianna "There's only room for one winner - one person who can be 'happy', your kind of happy, most of the time. If he's not too busy looking over his shoulder for challengers. Everyone else has to keep an eye out for a stronger predator."

Michael: "So, what, we stop competing, stop fighting, stop living?"

Aerith: "We have never told you - and I include all sophonts here - what you must do. Only what you ought to do. Further, the competitive instinct is why games and tournaments exist. The Good purpose of civilization is to weave instinct, desire, and drive into a harmonious whole."

Michael: "Only what we ought - yeah, right. Your churches do nothing but make people live by their dumbass laws."

Brianna "I know, they can be so mean about it."

Aerith: "We teach correct principles. It is up to sophonts to govern themselves. Admittedly, they often make a botch of it, but Heaven is not in the business of coercion. Your society's flaws are yours to correct. Or deepen, if that is your preference."

Michael: "Ours to correct?! You just proved that you don't know a d**n thing about mortal life."

Aerith: "I did not call the task an easy one. That does not make it unworthy of attention. My apologies, Michael, but this visit must be cut short. Jarlot is about to do something foolish."

Brianna "Uh-oh, maybe I shouldn't have teased him about Cool Cthulhu. Even if he is so cuddly."

Michael: "Whatever."

Brianna "Michael, one last thing. You're lousy at plotting, and you know it. Why are you on the team where you have to plot if you don't want to be on the bottom rung?"

Aerith leaves.

Michael: " . . . . I need a drink."

Lisa sits alone in her chamber. Racking her armor and hanging her warhammer on the wall. Cautiously she goes over and locks her door. When she is confident in its security she takes out the first of the three bottles of truthwine Norbaz gave her. Sighing in self defeat and a desire to sort out her feelings, she takes the first sip.

The next morning:

Lisa comes into the mess hall with an enormous hangover, and gives Norbaz an extremely sour look as she sits down.

Norbaz: "Did it work?"

Lisa: *mumbles something*

Norbaz: "Sorry to hear that. Do you need more?"

Lisa: "No, it worked."

Norbaz: "Ah. I, ah, assume it took so much wine that you decided not to go to the lucky crewmember's room last night?"

Lisa: "There is no luck in this."

Norbaz: "Oh? Did you find out that you want someone else? If it's Jaela, I think we've laid in a stock of potions to cure that."

Lisa: "D**n you for making me think of her like that. No, it's not Jaela. It's not someone else."

Norbaz: *shrugging* "Well, that's all the prying I'm going to do this morning. If you feel like talking, I'm sure there are a couple of scryers hoping you'll start naming names."

Lisa: *thinks about it* "Terra, maybe Kanatash or Andrea, Jarlot if he's aware of this mess, Ketler and whoever has a betting pool set up."

Norbaz: "You can tell?"

Lisa: "No, that's just the obvious ones."

Norbaz: "So, you think Michael's not interested enough?"

Lisa: *snorting* "No, he's interested. It's just that when I went to his cabin last night, he was passed-out stinking drunk."

A howl of sheer rage resonates throughout the ship.

Lisa: "I thought about heading over to Terra after that, but I couldn't work up the nerve."

Norbaz: "You want both of them?"

Lisa: *sigh* "Let's just say I'm open to either possibility. And I wasn't going to do anything with Michael, I just wanted to talk with him. He did come forward first."

Norbaz: "You know those roses you were getting were from Terra, right?"

Lisa: "Norbaz, on this ship, annonymous roses mean stalker, not too shy."

Norbaz: "Point."

Lisa: "So, did you win anything in the pool?"

Norbaz: "Actually, no one predicted you'd go both ways. Well, there was one anonymous bet, but no one's admitted to it."

ELSEWHERE

Brianna *Ae, is it really all right to cash in on that bet?*

Aerith: *Yes. Now focus, Lisa is going to need support in the coming weeks and we are likely to be a big part of that.*

Brianna *She'd better not gossip about doing the icky thing with my brother.*

Aerith: * . . . It's going to be fascinating if you and Jarlot get together. Besides, peeking under the covers was merely anticipating a potential interaction in the future.*

ELSEWHERE

Michael is still drunk, still asleep, when he receives the benefits of a spell that neutralizes the stuporous effects of alcohol without removing the hangover. Then a foot smashes into his groin. A fist to the stomach helpfully completes the wakeup process.

Terra watches him writhe around, choking up blood and vomit, for a full five minutes before leaving.

About half an hour later, Michael is mostly cleaned up.

Michael: "Okay, what do I do about this? Kill Terra? Go to Lisa for healing? Talk to Bri?"

A few minutes pass.

Michael: "Y'know, the h**l of it is, I deserved that. Terra went Epic a couple of weeks back, she's strong enough to do whatever she wants. Or, if I go by a 'Good' system, I've done enough **** to merit that a thousand times over."

A few more minutes pass.

Michael: "F**k this, I'm going to get breakfast."

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