Done

Lucifer's Landing
2.5 weeks from original landing,
2130 hours

Joshua sat cross-legged on the ground, what little grass there was tickling his palm of his hands. About quarter mile out from Christian's residence, there was so little light that the stars were absolutely gorgeous. A hundred thousand bursts of sparkle all blazing in the pitch black darkness. Ironic, he thought, that he saw more of the stars landside than he did actually traveling among them. Guess there was a reason they called it the Black and not the Starry Field with Some Darkness In-between.

As the wind blew through his hair and across his body, he closed his eyes for a moment just to take in the peace of it all. These kind of moments would be short in a few months, so saving them up now was key. The memory of a quiet breeze might keep him from going stir crazy in the steel corridors of the Gift someday.

***

“G’night, Mom…,” Lem murmured into his pillow as I tucked him in. I turned down the lamp and smoothed back his hair, stroking it for a moment as was our routine since I’d arrived. He squirmed into the bedclothes getting comfortable and it wasn’t long before he was asleep. Like puppies and kittens, Lem was either all engines full or dead stop. His power utilization curve is definitely not the norm, I thought fondly, opening his window a few inches for fresh air and letting myself out. I wish I had his energy.

Lem’s room was the middle of three on the second floor of Christian’s house, facing south. Christian’s lay toward the front to the west and the one he’d given to me was at the back facing east. Sunrise was seldom an issue in the Black and windows in crew quarters non-existent, and it took me a week and a half adjust to the sensation of light crawling across my eyelids prior to waking. It took me about as long to adjust to waking up alone as well. Maybe it was the frontier setting or the similarity in dwellings or the distinctive scent of line-dried bed linens. For whatever reason, the first few mornings I fully expected to wake with Mike beside me, so strong was the déjà vu from my one dirtside visit with his family years ago. Hard on that expectation was the idea it could have been Joshua’s head on the pillow next to mine had things gone differently. And that made for a few uncomfortable mornings.

I had to wonder if that wasn’t part of Christian’s plan. I knew he was adept at pushing my buttons and having been my lover for a brief time had given him even more insight on how to play me. Looking across the night-dark landing, I could see a thin line of light gleaming under Christian’s door and reckoned he was going over his books for the coming day. I left him to it, taking the stairs down to the main floor and frowning at the groan of the stair treads as I went. Gonna have to get at the stringers and shim them, I thought. The closet under the stairs goes their full length.

The lamp at the foot of the stairs gently lit my way, and I stepped off the last tread and continued straight out the door. It was a nice night out and thinking of Joshua had reminded me of something: I’d seen barely hide or hair of him in the past week and a half and after so long, I couldn’t strike it up to coincidence. Something was up and I was going to find out what it was.

A quick inquiry of one of the regulars at the Dive Bar pointed me in the right direction and after a quarter hour’s brisk walk, I came up behind Joshua in the back forty. I studied him as I drew near, taking in the line of him looking up at the stars. I slowed my pace and gave him a minute to savor the view. It was spectacular, even for a seasoned spacer like me, and I gave the moment the reverence it was due. Then:

“Joshua,” I said softly in the Russian manner and let him know I was there.

***

He had heard her approaching before she said anything. Joshua would have heard a cat walking behind him in the quiet of the plain. It wasn't until you got off ship that you realized how damn noisy they were, even when they were quiet.

"Hey," he said quietly, sitting up and patting the dirt next to him with his right hand. "Come sit down, snuggle with me for a little while? It's nice out here."

***

I got down on the ground with him and drew my knees up, crossed my arms on them, and leaned into him for a nudge.

"Hey," I said, keeping my tone light. I looked up with a sigh of pure pleasure. On the bridge, the stars never seemed as bright or as big. A trick of the mind and atmospherics, I knew. It still didn't change the fact that it awed and humbled, uplifted and renewed the spirit to see them. "Some view, huh?"

***

Amused by the understatement, Joshua chucked. "Yeah, you could say something like that." He wrapped an arm around her and drew her in close. "Lem asleep, I assume?"

***

"You assume right. Out like a light in zero-point-two seconds. I wish I could do that."

It was getting a little chilly, a reminder that it wasn't yet full-on spring. I'd neglected to pull my jacket off the hall tree before leaving and clad in the lighter clothing more suitable for the daylight temps, I was grateful for Joshua's warmth. I could feel the prickle of gooseflesh rising on my arms and I snugged in a little closer to stave the shivers off.

I looked up at the heavens and automatically started connecting the dots. It was the hardwired human drive to impose order on chaos, perhaps, or maybe it was my innate inability to leave things alone. Whatever the reason, it was a pleasant enough pastime, easily shared in silence.

"What do you see up there?" I asked after a moment.

***

"Possibility." He answered almost instantaneously. "Every star a chance for billions of lives, trillions of stories to be told."

As Joshua said it, he realized that Rina might not have meant the question quite so philosophically. "Ummm...." And as he looked up, he could see the pattern of their ship in the sky and he pointed it out to Rina. "Look, there's the Gift, if you're willing to stretch a little on the tail end."

He could feel her shivering a little against him and he said, "Hold on," as he moved his arm away from her long enough to squinch out of his jacket and wrap it around her. Then he put his arm back around her. "Better?"

***

His jacket was warm from his body and it paradoxically made me shiver harder for one rousing second. I took a breath and my insides settled.

"Much," I said, letting my head drop to his shoulder. I pulled his jacket closer against the chill and curled my legs under me. "What about you? You're gonna get cold in a minute."

He wore nothing but a button-down shirt and a pair of jeans over his shoes. I started shrugging out of his jacket.

***

"Don't you even dare," he said. "Leave the jacket on. I'll be fine." And as he said it, he used the arm he had wrapped around her to pull the sleeve on the jacket back up. Leaning over her, he gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Don't worry about me, Rina. I'm good.”

***

"We'll share," I insisted. It took a minute. When we were both under the jacket, I hugged his waist and tipped my face against his neck, breathing in the scent of him. "Why are you avoiding me?"

***

"Did you want a comfortable lie or the awkward truth?" He already knew what the answer would be, but it didn't invalidate her right to make the choice.

***

That brought my head up. "The truth," I said evenly. "Always."

***

Joshua nodded very softly, conscious of her pressed up against him. "Of course. I'm not part of this family, Rina. And your time with them is limited. So I'm staying out of your way to give you as much time as you can get with them." Which keeps you from having to make painful decisions about who to spend that time with, he thought.

***

"Been talking to Christian?" I sighed and made a note to ask Christian exactly what he'd said to Joshua. If anything. Sometimes Christian's silent disapproval was harsher than the spoken one. "It can't be easy for you, playing the fifth wheel to my little ready-made family. I'm sorry, Joshua. I should have anticipated this."

***

"No Christian involved here, just me." He began to wonder what it was about him that made people think he was incapable of making his own decisions. He shrugged the thought off and continued to reassure Rina. "Nothing to worry about. No need to apologize. I'm keeping myself busy. Riding with Nika, helping Christian with the books. And you know where to find me, of course."

***

"Actually I didn't. I had to ask the resident barfly where you'd gone." I slipped out from under his jacket and strode off a few steps, pissed. I caught the unspoken rebuke in his tone: I can think for myself, thanks. And in truth I couldn't fault him for it. What stung was he'd chosen to slip away rather than come to me about it. Despite my background level of paranoia, I hated second-guessing people's motives. Having to second guess Joshua rankled deeply. He'd stated his position, it was a good one, and a heated argument from me would do no one any good. I crossed my arms against the chill and held off, waiting for my pique to blaze through and be done with me.

***

"I didn't mean every second of the day, Rina." She was pissed with him and he wasn't immediately sure why. "Are you really angry that I didn't check in and leave my whereabouts with the house?" He stood up and took the jacket off, holding it forward with one hand as he stepped a little closer. "Take this. You're going to freeze."

***

I caught the movement from the corner of my eye, saw the jacket hanging in his hand, and my anger evaporated as I knew it would. There was a point past which you had to let the other person win, no matter how stupid it might seem, because it was the right thing to do. Not necessarily the logical thing, but the right thing. So I relented and took his jacket and shrugged it on.

"I'm sorry. I'm ... I don't know." I crossed my arms and shook my head. "You say Christian and Lem are my family and they are ... just not the one I imagined I'd have. You certainly can't say I came by it the usual way. And my standing with Christian is...." I sighed and gave up trying to describe it.

***

He came closer and took her into a hug. "Rina, you're complicating things again. Just because you have one family now that you didn't imagine doesn't mean you won't add on another family in the future." Sort of like how you had one lover and added another. My, aren't we snappy?

He ran a hand through her hair as he continued talking. The simple act of touching her hair always calmed him. Just naturally soothing. "At some point, your prince will swoop in and take you away to your castle in the sky and you'll get a chance to build a family you choose. And the best part is that it gets to be in addition to rather than instead of." He had been going to say that Mike was going to come for her, but he couldn't make himself do it. Weak, weak, weak, he admonished himself. But then again, that wasn't anything he didn't already know.

****

"The same applies to you too, you know," I said into his shirt. If Joshua was to have a normal life after this, he had to put some distance between us, sever our lovers' ties. I understood it even as I hurt from it and I didn't miss what he'd refrained from saying. Clothing it in fairy tale trappings wouldn't change the fact that Mike was going to come back and I would have to leave. But damned if I would sleep on like an enchanted princess waiting for that day to arrive. And thanks to that thicket of thorns protecting the princess's bower, I was going to get hurt hacking a path out of it. If I’d learned anything, I’d learned that much.

***

Why couldn't he be the prince? He wanted to ask her that so badly. But that wasn't the deal they had made. She knew it. He knew it. Trying to fight it wouldn't do any good - she was set on her path. He'd just keep on keeping on and enjoy things while they lasted. Which, if he guessed right, wasn't going to be too much longer.

He kept his tone light, free of any of the darker thoughts running through his head. "Yeah, I know. That day will come for me sometime. But that's not the point, is it? The point is for you to spend time with your son now while you can before we head back to the Black. That means not worrying about me. Hence me staying out of your way."

***

"I know." Again, Joshua was right. And to be brutally honest, it wasn't fair to keep him tied to me. Not if he was to find a princess without restrictions for himself. For that to happen, I had to be cut out of the picture. Stuck in close quarters on the Gift, there really wasn't a chance to make a clean break of it. On Angel, with the great outdoors and the space it provided, there was more than enough room to grant Joshua the distance he needed--that we both needed--to end it. "Just promise me something?"

***

"Haven't we had this conversation before? It's dangerous promising something without knowing what I'm promising." Joshua smiled at her, unable to resist a little bit of teasing. "But ask and I'll let you know."

***

"If it's at all possible--and I know it might not be, depending on how much this hurts--I'd like to remain friends. God, that sounds so lame, but I don't know the word that means 'former-lover-now-really-close-friend-who-can-come-to-me-about-anything'. But that's what I'm asking."

***

"Hey, now." He took a hand and tilted her chin up so he could look down directly into her eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes. "Just because we won't be lovers doesn't mean I'll stop loving you. As always, I'll be whatever you need me to be."

He chuckled and kissed her on her forehead. "That's the benefit of being friends with a chameleon."

***

When his kiss landed on my forehead I knew it was over and rather like having a handshake snubbed, all I could do was put a polite face on it and let the moment pass. I took his hand from my chin and laced my fingers with his and gave them a squeeze.

“Walk me home?” I asked.

***

"My pleasure." Milady, Joshua added silently onto the end. He was going to miss that. He clasped her hand a little tighter as they started the walk back.

***

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