Forgotten Freedom:3501 4000

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3601. Why is Smig running around in deer shape with his nose painted red?

3602. For crying out loud, I'm not Santa.

3603. Ketler isn't Santa either.

3604. Especially not to get Jaela to sit on his lap.

3605. There is no Santa on this ship.

3606. I’m getting that blood-eh Crossbow, you got that!

3607. No, ah will not shoot my eye out. And stop calling me “kid”.

3608. It is not funny to dare the redshirt to stick his tongue to the metal bands on the mast when is freezing out.

3609. Okay, yes, it is.

3610. Whoever started in with these “carols” is getting that tree shoved up their bum... sideways... ornaments and all... I don’t care if Squishy IS still tied to it.

3611. Seriously though, guv, why IS there ah tree with ornaments on the deck?

3612. It's a great place to hide contraband goods that we're smuggling!

3613. Due to last week's "Incident", only those who have a high wisdom score and are spell casters are allowed Wands of Fireball.

3614. Also: Shooting fireballs at the engine does not help.

3615. Nor does shooting fireballs at our crew.

3616. You may not tell people that delayed-blast fireballs are really candy. I still can't get the chunks out of my coat...

3617. Magic Missile is NOT to be used as a flyswatter.

3618. Bards and Sorcs are not allowed to say "I'm so sexy reality bends around me".

3619. Nor can Sorcs say "Sorcerers do it more times per day".

3620. No taunting the Wizard by saying "Oh, Mr. Feeblemind, can't remember your own spells without a book?"

3621. We keelhaul dual scimitar-wielding drow on sight.

3622. We keelhaul kender twice.

3623. We don't let kobold psions on the ship...

3624. You CANNOT worship Pun Pun.

3625. The artificer cannot make Febreze.

3626. Or Sunny D.

3627. There is no cleric domain of "Min/Maxxery" or "Twinkery".

3628. You cannot make fun of the Book of Exalted Deeds as the "Handbook for booring losers".

3629. Too loudly.

3630. Michael is no longer allowed to use the Book of Vile Darkness as a guide to having "A damn good time".

3631. The first one to make a joke about going down Jaela's chimney gets the keel and salt rubbed in their wounds.

3632. You cannot paint the bottom of the ship with the following:

Smoking monkeys giving the finger *Looks squarely at Michael* As cool as it is, we just can't.
A "Half sized model" of the "Trouser Titan". *Sighs at Doog*
Lewd pictures of Jaela. *Half the crew...*
Wanted ads for ladies of the night. *Most all of the crew*
Pictures advertising the catgirl, along with hourly rates. *We have hand outs for a reason!*
Bull's Eyes 
"Our captain sucks!"

3633. It shall forever remain as the Batman symbol!

3634. Don't ask why!

3635. Pholly will figure out the alchemy thing.

3636. Under penalty of death.

3637. The crew will stop singing the song "Pholly, the redshirt peon".

3638. While he is in the room.

3639. The wizard will refrain from casting Evard's Black Tentacles in the captain's latrine.

3640. Then at least stop casting it 5 times in one day.

3641. I must not clone Santa Claus.

3642. Forget the traditional milk and cookies. This year Santa wants a beer and the catgirl.

3643. I am not allowed to use a Helm of Opposite Alignment on Santa.

3644. Though the captain is a bit of a blockhead, his name is not Charlie Brown.

3645. None of us are 'the famous World War I flying ace', and our nemesis is not 'the Red Baron'.

3646. We are not the cast of Lost.

3647. If we were, I would certainly not be Locke...

3648. Despite being crazy, wanting domination over the island, and probably having lived an office drone life before being a captain.

3649. Marish is not Kate, despite being a crimminal every guy on the isla... err, ship wants.

3650. V is not Sawyer because everyone hates him...

3651. Especially given the fact V is an anarchist wanted in every single nation on Eberron.

3652. Speaking of which, V will refrain from making grandiose entrances next to Gargoyles on rooftops.


3654. Lisa is not Ana Lucia despite being the woman that no one likes.

3655. We're not castaways because we haven't crashed the airship...

3656. ...this month.

3657. Ketler only wishes he was a Hobbit looking bassist for Drive Shaft...

3658. Which is not a dirty name for a band.

3659. ...Even if he's addicted to Dreamlily.

3660. Pholly is not Hurley because... er... ummmm...

3661. Michael is not Sayid because he's the only one who can seemingly accomplish things with our preferred device (the sword).

3662. V is forbidden from attempting to rid the world of all Evil.

3663. Especially since that might remind Lisa that it should start with this boat.

3664. It is wrong to sell the kindly dwarf lady to lonely Mror Hold slavers.

3665. Even if they are her family.

3666. The Lord of Blades will not transform himself into a hand crossbow.

3667. Nor a battle wagon.

3668. Or a T-Rex.

3669. Or even a dragon.

3670. The crew will refrain from editing the numbers to make the captain look bad.

3671. Anyone who does so will be used to clean the paint off the ship.

3672. I have a headband of detect thoughts, I know what you are thinking.

3673. You may not even think about the Pontiff.

3674. Ewwww...

3675. Yes, the airship does radiate overpowering evil.

3676. No, it is not my fault.

3677. The artifcer will refrain from expeimenting in new kinds of elemental binding.

3678. Especialy vacuum elemental in the toilets.

3679. And as soon as the healer has fixed me up so I can walk again, the vacuumized toilet that WAS made will be dismantled!

3680 She says I'll still be able to procreate.

3681 YES, that is a good thing!! Who said that!!

3682. You are not allowed to convince people you are a Kalashtar by simply not wearing a shirt.

3683. You are not allowed to use a Decanter of Endless Water to hold a wet t-shirt contest.

3684. Do not fabricate several hundred alchemist's fires in a minor creationed glass sphere and leave it somewhere until the glass ceases to exist.

3685. Do not attempt the above with acid.

3686. Especially not in places crowded with people we don't want to kill... yet.

3687. Do not attempt the above with catnip and Marish's room.

3688. No one is allowed to graft, or commission the grafting of, fire elementals to sharks to give them laser vision.

3689. There is a spoon, but we damn well won't tell the cooky where it is, it's a murlonds spoon, the kind that makes endless gruel...

3670. You will not use the spell "alter memory" to make the captain think something happened with Vol.

3671. Do not bomb Aurala. It's just going to make her angry.

3672. Do not mention blood at every opportunity in front of Kaius. He'll just look at you quizzically.

3673. We are not having roast Fastieth for dinner tonight; the halfling will be angry at losing his pet.

3674: You may not bind elementals in hollow spheres painted red and white and call them Pokeballs.

3675: And even if you do, throwing them won't make them come out.

3676. Trollgut does not, make a good rope. It does however make an excellent bungee cord.

3677. Trollgut is not the best dental floss around.

3678. In the UNLIKLY event we get invited to/ crash a costume party you may not show up to any noble's costume party in the guise of:

3679. The trouser titan.

3680. Evil outsiders.

3681. Pontiffs.

3682. Those Flamer Paladins (And NO pink swords!!).

3683. Any royals we hate.

3684. The captain.

3685. Dead versions of people you dislike.

3686. ESPECIALLY if they are the ones hosting said party.

3687. Batman.

3688. The warforged.

3689. Mr. T.

3690. Running around and cussing out people in Abyssal, while funny, is no longer permited after a certain crewman did this in the presence of both the said pontiff and Flamer Palidins.

3691. No rituals will be attempted to grant the Trouser Titan "fiendish potency". This goes double when you get the idea from some guy named "Dusty".

3692. Until further notice, making moonshine is forbidden.

3694. Mainly because Pholly keeps using the stills to make his alchemical crap.

3695. The warforged is NOT a distillery.

3696. His name is NOT Jack Daniels.

3697. The ninja is not named Hong Kong Phooey.

3698. There are no such thing as Pokemon.

3699. Or "Asian battle monsters".

3700. If there was one it would not be called Pikachu.

3701. Or Ling-Ling.

3702. If they existed, they would not come from Riedra.

3703. Because Riedra is not Asia.

3704. If they existed, they would be twisted and insane creations of the Daelkyr.

3705. Created to take of the minds of prepubescent children across Eberron.

3706. Wait a second, Jeala is...

3707. Whatever you were about to suggest is not allowed.

3708. Aurala is not Barbara Streisand.

3709. Even if her singing really is that bad.

3710. Her goal is not to find the the Diamond of Pantios.

3711. So that she can become Mecha Streisand.

3712. If she did, Leonard Maltin, Sidney Poitier, and Robert Smith will not show up to stop her.

3713. You will not combine the control light power and darkvision just so you can say "I'm Batman".

3714. We control the horizontal.

3715. We control the vertical.

3716. We are in deep trouble.

3717. I am not allowed to get Santa's reindeer drunk on Christmas Eve.

3718. I am not allowed to spike Jaela's Eggnog.

3719. I am not allowed to doctor Jaela's candy cane.

3720. I am not allowed to spike the captain's eggnog.

3721. But, what the hell, I'll do it anyway.

3722. You may not blame things you do on purpose by saying "...but the Draconic Prophecy made me do it!"

3723. The mages amongst the crew will stop writing 'I have prepared explosive runes this morning' in the bottom of my coffee mug.

3724. Or on the back of the loo door.

3725. Tying Squishy with trollgut doesn't make it a yo-yo.

3726. Tying people with trollgut then kicking them into the air to get slammed back onto the ground even harder, or to get bounced back into the air via the boot, is prohibited.

3727. Unless I'm invited.

3728. And not the poor sap who gets kicked.

3729. New punishment: Any one caught messing with the kid's new rocking horse will be tied to the keel with a long trollgut rope. The ship will then travel at full speed at low altitude for as long as I damned please. Then it will come to a complete stop, very abruptly. This will be repeated until we need the rope.

3730. Hey, wait a minute, when did the kid get a new rocking horse? I thought this Christmas thing happened on the 25th.

3731. Marrish found the presents, didn't she.

3732. It is not acceptable to use Pholly and low-altitude flying to test how springy troll guts are.

3733. No, nor any other punching-bag crew member.

3734. And certainly not me.

3735. What are you doing with the little old dwarf lady? Knock it off!

3736. Do not disturb casters while they're preparing spells by shouting "Use the Force!"

3737. None of Eberron's moons are actually space stations.

3738. The warforged is not versed in millions of forms of communication. Usually, we're lucky to get him to use any form that isn't 'hitting it'.

3738. Do not cast invisibility on a blood spiker and place it in the following locations: the privy, the captain's chair, or anyplace else the captain is likely to sit.

3739. There will be no blessing or cursing of the ship's drinking water to make holy or unholy water.

3740. The above rule is abridged in the following extenuating circumstances, lots of undead want to hurt us, lots of fiends want to hurt us, lots of celestials want to hurt us.

3741. You can't count the ship's necromancer's undead as "undead that want to hurt us".

3742. No reading aloud from strange books in a language you can't understand, but an alphabet you can read.

3743. Explosive Runes shall not be cast upon pieces of post to other crew members or people who we don't want to further **** off.

3744. There will be no tricking of new crewmembers that there is a cover charge to eat in the galley... unless the captain gets a cut.

3745. Hand of the Mage is not a toy.

3746. No selling fake Pontiff hats.

3747. I do not have "Powers of Atheism".

3748. My archnemesis is not Jaela.

3749. Even though she wouldn't mind slapping me around once or twice.

3750. I will not make any joke to the necromancer chick invovling the words bone, bones, or boned.

3751. She still has the (reanimated) remains of the last person to try that.

3752. The captain already knows we are a bunch of cretinous yahoos.

3753. But it's still fun to point it out and watch him melt down.

3754. I must not ask Marish for a 'warm fuzzy' feeling.

3755. I must not hassle Marish about not shaving her legs.

3756. I must not mention the Noodle Incident.

3757. I will not use donkeys with blast disks in the saddle bags as a medieval terrorist car bomber.

3758. Shouting 'Let's do this. LEEEEEROY JENKINS.' is not allowed. Especially when you have been planning the attack for the last half hour.

3758. Do not tie troll guts to the elemental ring.

3759. Just because it's springy doesn't mean that troll guts are harmless.

3760. Do not sell tickets to kids and tie a slip knot around them with troll guts. On top of that you will not push said kids off of a tall building or airship.

3761. Even if I'm allowed to watch.

3762. Do not cast sepia snake sigil on the "Welcome to Sharn!" sign.

3763. The Necromancer will not try to sacrifice Pholly or the halfling to gain power over the realm of flesh.

3764. The Blackguard will not mail alcohol of any sort to the pontiff. That underage drinking scandal was a bit much...

3765. Never offer the warforged a "hurts donut". It's just really dumb.

3766. Doog will not ask the necromancer for a graft that improves the "trouser titan's" performance.

3767. We do not have an "Armoire of Invincibility".

3768. The Trust should not just be killed on principle.

3769. Marish will stop threatening to teach me about "feral pleasures"; I'm not sure I want to know. It sounds painful.

3770. Repeat: "Mage hands don't go there or feel that."

3771. Do not cast reverse gravity on the poop deck.

3772. Or on the latrines.

3773. Do not cast fireball on the ship. You will be keelhauled.

3774. Do NOT cast spells with fire magic in or on the ship.

3775: DO NOT NOT cast invisibility and then go in the girls' locker room.

3776. Al let the necro chick find a punishment for you and you may die.

3777. What the necro chick does with the men zombies is her business.

3778. Don't even go there.

3779. Hey, what are you doing with the necro chick? (barff)

3780. You will now tear my eyes out.

3781. I must not give the necro chick a 'wet willie'.

3782. I am not allowed to give one to the paladin chick, either.

3783. Marish seems to like them a bit too much.

3784. It's a bit disturbing, actually.

3785. House Sivis is not ComStar.

3786. In the future, I will no longer participate in conspiracy murder against the Cardinals of Flamekeep.

3787. Even though I am a warforged and seen as property in Thrane, and thus cannot be charged personally for the crimes.

3788. If I am personally responsible for a worldwide tsunami that devastates every coastal region and plunges the Eberron into incredible recession spurring the resumption of the Last War, I will say I am sorry. Not hide the evidence from the rest of the crew while whistling nonchalantly.

3789. You cannot sunder the ship.

3790. You cannot sunder the warforged.

3791. You cannot sunder the Chain o' Command.

3792. You cannot sunder the pontiff's hat.

3793. Sundering Lisa's breastplate is suicidal. Do so at your own risk.

3974. But let the rest of us know ahead of time so we can watch!

3975. Sunder my hat and die.

3976. Due to recent "incidents", Rods of Wonder are banned.

3977. And keelhaul worthy.

3978. And we're keelhauling the rhinos along with you!

3979. The latrines do NOT have spheres of annihilation in them! We're still saving up for that.

3980. The truth is we dump them out while in flight.

3981. There is no way in hell I'm telling you where the dump lever is!

3982. For the love of the Six, DON'T point out missing rules to the captain.

3983. His nerves can't take much more of this.

3984. It's only a coincidence that the clerics curing potions all have "Buckley's" on the lablels. (Canadians know about this stuff.)

3985. Yes, the horrid taste is a subtle form of revenge.

3986. No, you can't trick King Kaius into doing shots of the stuff.

3987. Boranal, on the other hand, is dumb enough to try anything.

3988. Exept for Vol. He isn't quite that stupid.

3989. Until further notice, you are not allowed to spit over the railing.

3990. I won't send the Lords of Dust bags of kitty litter for Christmas, this year.

3991. They aren't too fond of us to begin with.

3992. I will stop spiking the captain's food with dreamlily.

3993. Eventually.

3790. Shouting SONIC BOOM at me will not shoot a blast that will kill me.

3791. Or reduce my lifebar by 20%.

3792. Nnor will "Hadoken!"

3793. I will shoot you if you leap in the air and shout "Shoryuken!"

3794. *BANG*.

3795. Now that Bruce Ki is dea...

"I'm not quite dead yet."

3796. *BANG*.

3797. Getting back to business. With...

"You shot me! You shot me in the arm!"

3798. Oh for Flame's sake... Doog, some help here with Vera? V? Michael? Yes... take those bats.

"Ki healing has almost healed me of my wounds. I am alive... but very badly burned."

3799. Now you will see a demonstration of what I like to call Martian Law.


3800. Now that is resolved...

"Don't... you mean... Martial... Law?"

3801. Sir Deimos... Sir Phobos.... beat Ki's ass some more.


3802. By the Flame Knights of Mars, I said SOME more. He's barely alive enough to kill.

3803. Now, by the law of the Sacred Red Planet, I am declaring this day to be JARLOT day and further myself to be married to Queen Aurala as well as Emperor of all Galifar, Sarlona, Xen'drick, and Argonessan. May all tremble before my mighty reign!

3804. No, all of these years in this hell hole surrounded by a crew that doesn't respect haven't driven me totally insane. Why do you ask?

3805. What, mother? What? But I don't want to kill them!

3806. Of course my mother is here. I'm talking to her right now.

3807. I told you I'd shoot, you old *****! Why didn't you believe me! WHYYYYY!?

3813. For you, meeting Captain Jarlot was the most important day of your life. For Captain Jarlot, it was Tuesday.

3814. Every Jarlot Dollar I print up in my printing press today will be worth 5 Brelish Sovereigns once we've kidnapped their King.

3815. I think the Food Court should be bigger in Jarlotopolis.

3816. I hoped to face The Lord of Blades face-to-face on the battlefield, where we could engage each other in respectful combat. Then I would snap his spine. But why? Why do they still call me a warlord? And mad? All I want to do is to create the perfect warforged soldier. Not for power, not for evil, but for good. Stupid will be the first of thousands. They will march out of my laboratory and crush every adversary, every creed, every nation! Until the world is in the loving grip of the Pax Jarlotia. And peace will reign and all humanity will bow to me in humble gratitude.

Stupid: "That was beautiful, sir."

3817. Stupid is also promoted to ruler of Breland when the Revolution comes.


3819. Ketler I command you to build me a laser gun on the moon! I shall call it... a DEATH STAR!

"Right, Darth."

3820. Why do I want a Death Star? To blow up Eberron of course!

"Why do we want to blow up Eberron? Where we live."

3821. Silence Varlat! I'm doing the talking here! Build me a machine that will make diamonds!

"I thought you wanted a Death Star."

3822. Now I want both!

3823. Preparations A through G were complete failures but Preparation H is a success!

3824. Why is everyone talking about the Gelatinous Cube in the bathroom now?

3825. Why would we codename Preperation H Operation Ice cream?

3826. Oh you didn't say Ice cream.

3827. Isn't the number of the garbage compactor is and R2 can't save Luke in time!

3828. NO I don't expect you to talk! I EXPECT YOU TO DIE!


3808. Did they tell you why you were sent to terminate my command?

3809. So they said that I'd gone irrevocably insane, did they?

3810. You're not a soldier. You're a messenger boy filling our a grocery list.

3811. And you don't see any method, do you? HA!

3812. The drums... the DRUMMMMSSSSS!

3830. Do not make fun of the captain's madness, if you want to live.

3831. There will be no further attempts to drive him sane through means that would drive a sane person mad. Examples: Spells to induce insanity, leaving him in the mad wood of Aereneal, or making him look into a scrying pool keyed to Xoriat.

3832. A fortnight's extra pay to the crewman who can think of an ethical way to deal with the clone Jaela situation.

3833. Keelhauling will be the punishment for those of you to say what I know you're thinking in regards to the previous rule.

3834. Making the captain dress in a pink frilly tutu is forbidden while he is insane.

3835. While he is asleep he still counts as being insane, in regards to the previous ruling.

3836. The cooky is not allowed to use a desiccating weapon to make jerky... again... there are still broken jaws left over from the last time.

3839. You can't take sole credit for the captain's madness- It was a team effort, so we all deserve the glory.

3840. Selling tickets to see the captain being crazy for 5 silver a pop is banned.

3841. It's one gold a ticket!

3842. JAELAS FOR ALL!!! YAY!!!!

3843. Due to the captain's poor health, Michael's weekly mutiny plans will be postponed until further notice. It just isn't as funny without him...

3844. Even though he is crazy now, we can't convince the captain he is Batman.

3845. But it would be cool if he split up like Two Face!

3846. Ketler! Fetch the acid!

3847. We are going to at least ATTEMPT to cure Captain Jarlot.

3848. But not until we milk this for all it's worth.

3849. If the captain asks about these additions to the list, blame the warforged.

3850. After a relaxing stay in Arkham Asylum in Gotham City... oh what was that? Sorry, Sharn, I am fully capable of resuming my duties as Captain.

3851. Hehehehe... the fools. Do they not realize I have gazed into the Abyss that has granted me the power of the Dragon Below and shall consume all in a storm of wrath and HELLFIRE?

3852. Hahahaha... and even better the Dragon Below doesn't realize that I have made a deal with Siberys to conquer reality after defeating her foes!

3853. And after that... Here I come, Eberron!

3854. What do you mean turning my back doesn't mean you can't hear me?


3856. Oh yes, and the first duty on this ship is to point out that I should have pointed out those Jaela Clones are programmed to invincible ninjas who flip out and kill people for no reason?

3857. Huh, 90% of the crew dead huh? Tough. Newlyweds and everything.

3858. Oh yes and I've selected this to be our new mast.

3859. Why yes, it's the head of a Daelkyr, why?

3860. Oh, you're wondering where I got it? Well... honestly, I don't know. Probably something to do with causing the Day of Mourning.

3861. Ignore my confession to that.

3862. In any case, Number 1... ENGAGE.

3863. What do you mean we don't have Warp Drive?

3864. I forbade you from installing one? Damn it! I unforbid it!

3865. In any case, where are all your people's cybernetics? What if Mister Johnson calls?

3866. Oh sorry, I thought we were playing Shadowrun.

3867. Now Now, Ninja Jaela. It's not nice to stab V for being a pirate. I don't care if Pirates and Ninjas are mortal enemies.

3868. Jaela Ninja is forbidding from exercising her REAL ULTIMATE POWERZ.

3869. That includes her insane anime-like cuteness.

3870. Now, we have a new game Citizens. I call it... PARANOIA! I, the All Powerful Captain will give each and every one of the crew his own disintegrator gun and the crew complete authority to kill any other crew member as you see fit.

3871. ...That pretty much turned out like I expected. Thank God I made spare clones of everyone.

3872. By the way, a commendation to Doog who figured out that my insanity was caused by the Dreaming Dark and lured the Quori in question into Stupid where the sheer mindlessness of the Warforged utterly destroyed him. Have any words for us, Stupid?

"I like Swords."

3873. Our new god also is Doctor Swordopolis...

3874. Not to be confused with Doctor Who, whom was our old God.

3875. Yes, I'm aware, Ketler, that he's just "The Doctor" and Doctor Who is just the show's name.

3876. Yes, I also know it was only the Doctor's TARDIS that has repeatedly prevented the destruction of Eberron due to our efforts...

3877. No, I don't know who will protect us from the bloody Daleks if we convert.

3878. There will be no singing the Dalek song before they convert us...

3879. I mean it, Ketler!

3880. The Captain is your friend *exterminates Ketler and replaces him with a clone*.

3881. From now on our enemies onboard this ship will be clearly defined. Anybody more powerful than us including demons, angels, gods, Daelkyr, The Emerald Claw, The Dreaming Dark, the Quori, The Lords of Dust, Cardinal Kronzen, Queen Aurala whom IS a Wicked Witch we found out, El Diablo Robotica, Communists, the Children of Winter, Megatron, Orcus, Bane and Cyric if we ever cross over with Forgotten Realms, Jay and Silent Bob our ex-crew members, the University of Morgraive, Jackie Chan, the color Green, the Korranberg Chronicler, archwizards, nobility, and the Grimus.

3882. The Grimus is the lovable purple friend of Ronald McDonald for your question, Ketler-02.

3883. Yes, it's more powerful than the Tarrasque.

3884. To another Ketler-02 question, if the Communist is a hot redheaded Soviet Spy we can in fact mark her off the enemy category.

3885. Yes, Batman can beat up Daredevil to settle this age-old argument between Ketler and V.

3886. The Monk is forbidden from making the noise "WOH PAH" every time he hits someone.

3887. The Monk cannot be a Jedi.

3888. Ninja Jaela is forbidden from ending the flirtations of crew by throwing down a smoke ball and disappearing...

3889. Even if I would too under the circumstances.

3900. The Lyrandar Storm Druid/Master of Many Forms is not a "Humanoid Typhoon".

3901. The artificer does not have a homunculus named "Crow".

3902. Neither does he have one named "Tom Servo".

3903. He is not allowed to make them, either.

3904. Yeah, we're doomed.

3905. And we are royally screwed, too.

3906. The blackguard is forbidden from making a nightclub called "The Succubus Club".

3907. Unless the captain is on the VIP list.

3908. And King Kaius can drop by.

3909. And Vol, too, I guess.

3910. We are not allowed to bungee jump over a live volcano.

3911. We may not mount a 'dashboard cam' in the ship.

3912. I am not allowed to make 'less than lethal' alchemist's fire.

3913. I'm not allowed to make 'super lethal' alchemist's fire, either.

3914. In fact, I should stop making alchemist's fire all together.

3915. I am not allowed to replace the bard's lute with a Ukelele.

3916. I am not allowed to replace the fighter's greatsword with a Swiss Army knife.

3917. I am not allowed to replace the captain with a sock puppet.

3918. Even if it is a better leader.

3919. Our new gods are now: Jay and Silent Bob, Banjo, Banjthulhu, Jimi Hendrix, Batman, Guybrush Threepwood (Who is the god of mighty pirates), Beavis and Butt-Head, Red Mage, and Abe Lincoln.

3920. Yes, the captain had a little breakdown.

3921. No, you cannot claim to have done it.

3922. No, you can't claim to have bribed the Quori to do it.

3923. Yes, he is recovering.

3924. Rumors that he is being 'tended to' by Marish are false.

3925. Well, not totally false.

3926. Okay, okay. She's giving him 'sexual healing'.

3927. No, you can't help.

3928. In the interim, the crew will be led by... umm... by...

3929. Okay, we have a problem now.

3930. No, there will be no grand melee to decide who's the new captain.

3931. Bribery is legal, though.

3932. Pholly is NOT the new ship's captain.

3933. He's just here for comic relief.

3934. Michael is not the ship's captain.

3935. He's just here for the booze.

3936. And the money.

3937. And the women.

3938. And to raise a ruckus.

3939. Michael is the interim captain.

3940. Gods help us all.

3941. Or at least the ones we haven't alienated.

3942. When challenging the Lich Queen Vol, it is not appropriate to paraphrase Dr. Dre, claiming "Liches ain't $#!+ but hos and tricks..."

3943. Never accidentally call a kobold "Dear".

3944. Your warforged is not made of 40% dolomite.

3945. Or titanium.

3946. When your warforged is in a bad mood, he is not "acting very aluminum".

3947. Even if he is.

3948. As acting captain, there will be some additions to the list.

3949. I hear we alienated most of the gods. This must be fixed.

3950. We are having a bonfire of all the holy symbols of all the gods we have yet to **** off, and a few more, just to be safe.

3951. For on-ship entertainment, Pholly and all the other unstable insane crew members will be given alchemist's fire.

3952. I promise not to sell the ship and crew for an everfull mug of ale.

3953. I could probably get 2!

3954. First chance we get, we hire a summoner.

3955. He could summon something up to age the Jaelas to legal age!

3956. And a harem of Succubi!

3957. What, the ladies want an Incubus or two?

3958. Why? You got me! I'm a demon in the *SMASH*.

3959. Lisa is not allowed to hammer the captain while he is speaking/adding to the list. Owch...

3960. I am fully qualified to stand in for Jarlot! I'm as greedy, drunken, and lustful as he ever was!

3961. You still have to wear the dwarven lady's sweaters!

3962. I don't care what you all say! Bruce Ki is Batman! Batman, I say!

3963. Tomorrow we shall go across Eberron, robbing all the dwarven breweries we can find!

3964. Man, writing sucks. I hope Jarlot finds his marbles soon...

3965. Wait, would marbles help him?

3966. We will be preparing to throw holy water balloons at King Kaius soon. Bring garlic!

3967. As Captain, my first act is to ban assaults against Jaela Prime.

3968. Cuddle attacks are defined as assaults.

3969. As Captain, the Ninja Gaiden theme will sound every time I walk.

3970. There will be no jokes if I'm going to grow up just like Ayane from Dead or Alive.

3971. Or Mai Shiranui.

3972. Or CHUN LI.

3973. Naruto has got nothing on me.

3974. All Crew members are redefined as ninja, not pirates.

3975. No, not Ninja Pirates. NINJA.

3976. Ninjas is not the plural of Ninja.


3978. As Ninja, we do not deliver pizza.

3979. As Ninja, we do not flip hamburgers.

3980. Taste Giant Shuriken, perverts!

3981. Now that V is dead...

3982. Ketler is forbidden from suggesting I should become a cyborg.

3983. We will not be taking the captain back to Riedra for brainwashing to "return the favor".

3984. Why? Because he might regain his sanity!

3985. Just because I went crazy DOESN'T mean I forgot about the list!

3986. Nice try to burn it though. I had Ketler fireproof this thing ages ago. Suckers.

3987. V is hearby ordered to stop mourning the Jaelas or we drop him in the Mournlands!

3988. Do not mention ANY of that stuff to Jaela Prime or you get keelhauled through the Silver Flame!

3989. This ship was not made by Akbar's Airships (Not Deathtraps).

3990. It was made by Jeff's Deathtraps (Not to be confused with actual airships).

3991. Why is Cthulhu swapping recipies with the dwarf lady????

3992. I said to follow the yellow brick road during my brush with madness? What yellow brick road?

3993. Talenta halflings are not munchkins.

3994. The warforged is not a tin woodsman, even if he does have the axe for it.

3995. Smig is not Toto.

3996. Marish is not a cowardly lion.

3997. Straw golem? Ketler, that's not a scarecrow.


3999. We are not 'off to see the wizard'. We've got several onboard already. So stop singing, "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of the coast."

4000. Whomever restored the captain's sanity, please step forward.

4001. The crew wants to 'thank' you.

4002. Michael can't be the ship's captain.

4003. Instead, we will use a sort of Executive officer for the week.

4004. No, just becuase you named your dagger 'Excalibur' doesn't mean you're the captain.

4005. All hauling will be rescheduled until after the Keel is fixed.

4006. The remaining clone Jaelas are to sign onto the crew lest they wish to join their sisters in the galley.

4007. All male crewmembers are forbidden from being alone in a room with the remaining Ninja Jaela.

4008. Ketler is never allowed to repair the cloning machine on pain of Keel Hauling.

4009. Under no circumstances are the crew to speak of the clone incident ever again.

4010. Chalky, we understand that you haven't tasted such sweet, tender human flesh in a while, but that's no excuse to use morphic reach to steal everyone else's shares.

4011. Bruce is not Batman.

4012. I am not Batman.

4013. How many times do I have to say this, there is no Batman on this ship.

4014. Infecting Bruce with lycanthropy is forbidden.

4015. I am still not Santa Claus.

4016. Nobody will ever say the words "I wonder what this button does."

4017. There will be no lab monkeys set free on this ship.

4018. Especially not dire lab monkeys.

4019. And definitely no awakened dire lab monkeys of legend.

4020. In fact, there will be no lab monkeys on this ship. Period.

4021. We do not love the smell of napalm.

4022. Okay, we do, but try not to tell anyone who burned down the orphanage.

4023. In the case of a water landing, nobody will be used as a flotation device.

4024. Actually, feel free to try using the warforged.

4025. I am not the invincible.

4026. You shall not "Kidnap the Sandy Claws".

4027. Be it either the fat old present guy or a giant crab.

4028. We cannot recruit Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate, to join us.

4029. Nor can we get the Ghost/Zombie/Demon Pirate LeChuck either.

4030. We do not go into random houses and take their valuables because "We are adventurers and we need it to be heroes!"

4031. We break into houses and steal their valuables because we are pirates!

4032. Redshirts are not to be used as target practice.

4033. When on important missions, the redshirts must form a protective meat wall around the captain.

4034. Or just on the deck.


4036. Andrea is not allowed to "Thin the herd" of redshirts for her "Experiments".

4037. Ketler's new job is to find a way to smell-proof Andrea's zombie holding areas.

4038. And Doog's room too.

4039. Or he could invent Febreze.

4040. Sunny D is not powered by nuclear reactions!

4041. Lycanthropy is not to be used for practical jokes!

4042. I am NOT Zaphod Beeblebrox.

4043. As crazy as I was, I am not the King of the Universe.

4044. I am NOT attending Michael's weekly mutiny gathering.

4045. I don't care if it's in honor of my return as captain!

4046. Wait, free booze?? I'm there!

4047. Redshirts are NOT for target practice!

4048. Unless you're trying to settle a drunken bet.

4049. The captain gets 10% of the winnings, in booze or changeling hookers.

4050. The artificer is FORBIDDEN from making a construct of Mr. Hanky.

4051. The artificer is FORBIDDEN from making a construct of Mr. Hanky.

4052. I realize that there are two entries that are identical, it's just that important.

4053. We don't have sponsors!

4054. Johnny Knoxvile is NOT our hero.

4055. Thank Gawd.

4056. Although, this does seem like one long episode of "Jackass".

4057. From this point on, Jaela will NOT be compared to Daisy Duke.

4058. Jaela will be much hotter than Daisy Duke, anyway.

4059. The Forgotten Freedom does not "Vent plasma port 60%!"

4060. It does not fly by passing into the Warp.

4061. Though it has passed into Xoriat on occasion.

4062. While in Xoriat (or the Warp) our ship is not single-handedly guided through the Ether by a Nobilis Noviate Psyker.

4063. Though Kanatash does come scarily close...

In reference to rule 2561. "No one on this ship can kill people with their brains.", The Captain sincerly appologises. I was wrong. Do not cheer. This person is Kanatash, not anybody else. And don't we know it.

4064. This ship does not have a horde of Ratling abhuman slaves... though it does have hordes of rats (crew not excluded).

4065. My Madness WAS NOT PERMANENT.

4066. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.

4067. Just because it's called a 'red-light district', doesnt mean we ALWAYS HAVE TO STOP THERE! -- The paladin chick.

4068. Captain's prerogative. --Jarlot the Second.

4069. To the ship's wizard, enough with the damned rabbit-from-the-hat trick!!

4070. To the ship's wizard, More rabbits, please. --Norbaz

4071. The crew is hereby forbidden from sending cases of malt liquor to Jaela on her 21st birthday. (where I'm from, ya have to be 21 to drink, your age may vary)

4072. I am not allowed to bribe Santa into taking me with him into Jaela's house.

4073. Bribing Santa puts me on the 'naughty' list.

4074. No, Jaela is not on the 'naughty' list, too.

4075. Just because it's the Plane of Madness doesn't mean that you can sell all of dead crew members' stuff in a "March Madness" sale.

4076. V is hereby forbidden from sneaking into Asmodeus's palace to blow it up with the words "Remember, Remember, the fifth of November."

4077. ...again.

4078. Bruce Ki is forbidden from leaping into battle with the nameless horrors to avenge Marish...

4079. Because she's not dead yet!

4080. No, she won't be stone cold dead in a minute!

4081. She's getting better!

4082. She feels good! She feels happy!

4083. Knocking her out was uncalled for, Andrea...

4084. And all THIS to film Bruce Ki and the Attack of the Chthonians.


4086. No, Stupid can't be Crow for it...

4087. Or Tom Servo.

4088. Listen, Jackass, do you remember what happened when we convinced him he was HAL the Computer and we put him in charge of life support when we had this machine modified as a spelljammer?

4089. NO? Because we were without air for a month!

4090. ...and we survived by being thankfully high level and making our saving throws.

4091. The Plane of Madness does not conform to your ideas, V.

4092. ...even if it is Anarcho-Vigilantism.

4093. You are not "More than Flesh under that Mask".

4094. There is not "An idea".

4095. idea that is Bulletproof.

4096. It is wrong to confuse Demigorgon by asking which one of the two heads always tells the truth and the other always lies.


4098. It is wrong to try and have sex with Belial's daughter.

4099. Because you wouldn't survive...

4100. And no, it wouldn't be worth it!

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