Forgotten Freedom:4001 4500
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4101. ...Demonesses only like paladins.
4102. NO, Lisa wouldn't be up for it!
4103. And you couldn't film it anyway.
4104. It's wrong to play Graazt cards for your soul.
4105. Because it confuses the Hell out of him when you cheat better than he does.
4106. V, stop questioning Tiamat why she's Lawful Evil when her Red Head is dominant and they're Chaotic Evil plus she's insane with five personalities....
4107. No, it's not bad, just tacky.
4108. Zugummi is not to be harvested for penicillin on this ship, Andrea...
4109. I don't care if we're critically low!
4110. When fighting Mephisto, we cannot rely on the help of the Silver Surfer...
4111. Or Adam Warlock...
4112. Okay, maybe Spider-Man.
4113. No, Andrea, I can't explain to you why we're encountering a bunch of D&D monsters from the Great Wheel Cosmology in Xoriat, many whom have Lawful Evil alignment. Maybe it's just because it's the Plane of Madness!
4114. ...or the DM bought the Book of Vile Darkness.
4115. It's not funny to mock the Lord of the Nine trapped in a block of ice.
4116. Especially by using an ice pick to hold a margarita party around him.
4117. Willy Wonka is not a Daelkyr.
4118. Despite the fact that we're clearly currently surrounded by Oompa Loompas.
4119. And that we got here because we found Golden Tickets in Chocolate Bars...
4120. And that movie IS very scary.
4121. Oh crap, it's Gene Wilder! RUN!
4122. No, Jonny Depp's Wonka won't show up.
4123. Because he optioned playing ME for the movie.
4124. What do you mean Tim Burton directing us explains a great deal?
4125. No, V, Alan Moore won't like you if you meet him in person.
4126. He doesn't like any adaptation.
4127. V, you are forbidden from blowing up Baalzebub's perfect city JUST when he got it right....
4128. Again.
4129. Where DO you get all that dynamite anyway?
4130. Oh, right, sulphur and charcoal are everywhere here.
4131. It is wrong to stiff Charon the Ferryman.
4132. ...even if he's fallen for it every time thus far.
4133. It is wrong to have our remaining Ninja Jaela bless the River Styx...
4134. Because apparently it works and there's now Nine Layers of Hell extremely brassed off at us.
4135. It is wrong to shout to every Balor we pass by "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
4136. ...and then lead them over cliffs...
4137. BECAUSE THEY HAVE WINGS, STUPID!
4138. Admittedly, they do seem too stupid to use them.
4139. ...we were THIS close to getting out of here and you had to pray to the Lady of Pain?
4140. ...Sigh... Andrea, help put Bruce Ki's skin back on.
4141. It is wrong to taunt Elminster in Hell.
4142. V, what have I said about taunting Tiamat?
4143. I don't care if you're really curious about whether she and Takhasis are the same goddess!
4144. It is wrong to play Queen of the Demonweb Pits here...
4145. I don't care if Lolth's stats are ridiculously low and you could all off her by yourselves.
4146. By the way, its wrong to mock Drow as "Stupid Goth Wannabes" when they're from other settings than Eberron...
4147. Even if they are.
4148. It is wrong to ignore the howling hosts of horror beyond time in order to play Silent Hill...
4149. I don't care if it's more atmospheric!
4150. It is wrong to nuke Great Old Ones....
4151. I don't care if it's answering an age-old question, Ketler!
4152. V, let it go... that Alu Fiend wasn't Natalie Portman....
4153. WHO LOOKS NOTHING LIKE JAELA.
4154. The Dark Eight should not be told they sound like a wannabe Metal band...
4155. Nor should they be convinced they should BECOME a wannabe Metal Band.
4158. ...and it is very wrong to sell them fake recording contracts.
4159. Ketler... what are you going to do with the souls of Eight Pit Fiends?
4160. Will you guys stop playing Nintendo and get serious for two seconds?!?!
4161. No, you can't do Body Shots off Lisa!
4162. Marish is more than game for it, though.
4163. Will someone kindly tell the pilot that he has his map upside down?
4164. Oh, for the love of Whiskey, I'll do it myself.
4165. Despite the similarity in both color and taste, the moonshine is not Warforged lubricant.
4166. But it does make a good cleaning solvent.
4167. Pholly, Plan B is not 'twice as much alchemist's fire as plan A'.
4168. Okay, Im revoking your Alchemist's Fire privilages, Pholly.
4169. Lisa, will you whap some sense into Pholly, please?
4170. We will no longer be showing any more Romero movies. The necro chick likes them a little too much.
4171. We don't want to give her any ideas.
4172. I realize it's too late.
4173. We don't want to give any DMs any ideas, either.
4174. Has anyone seen my keys?
4175. When in the plane of Madness, be sure to keep hands and legs inside the airship at all times.
4176. The bard is NOT allowed to sing the Madness Combat song here.
4177. Andrea is not allowed to recreate scenes from George A. Romero movies.
4178. We still can't get the stink out.
4179. We are not starting a rock band.
4180. If we were, I'm lead vocals.
4181. I am storing the ninja Jaelas we have left in a special area.
4182. If I find V there, I'm letting the Jaelas kill him.
4183. Norbaz, repeat after me, "Cannibalism is our last resort, not the first".
4184. I dont care how good the ninja soup is!
4185. Hmm, it is good...
4186. The warforged is not an emergency brake.
4187. Unless we really need to stop.
4188. Or we're drunk.
4189. It is wrong to tell the warforged!
4190. Michael, stop calling yourself, "Michael McCellan, human/succubus relations."
4191. And stop bragging about speaking perfect Abyssal...
4192. It is NOT the language of love.
4193. Orcus is not your copilot.
4194. Our copilot was just eaten by the 'Colour Out Of Space'.
4195. No, I didn't know colors were carnivorous either.
4196. The Color didn't have a name in Lovecraft's time.
4197. It's called "Fuschia" now.
4198: Do not try to get the Daelkyr to do Ren impressions; "It is not I who am angry, It is I who am MAD!"
4199. Do not ask the Daelkyr if you could have some "Male Enhancement" symbionts. They've probably got one, but it must hurt like the Fury...
4200. What would it even do? Shoot acid?
4201. Daelkyr do not go "Ho HA!"
4202. In reference to 4201, Do not ask the Daelkyr what a symbiont does. They will explain in detail, with demonstrations. I think it was Pholly's most embarassing death yet...
4203. No, Marish, you are not allowed to have "pet" black tentacles.
4204. And I'm taking away your wand of Evard's.
4205. There shall be no roasting of Lumis (party bard) over the Silver Flame.
4205. Pholly was not named 'Kenny' in a different reality.
4206. You don't have to shout "Oh, my God. They killed Pholly!" every time Pholly dies.
4207. It's not much of a shock at this point.
4208. Betting on how long Pholly lives this time is discouraged.
4209. Unless the captain gets a cut.
4210. Norbaz, Macaroni & Cheese does not need 'the soul of a ninja Jaela' as a secret ingredient.
4211. Michael, the cure for a sore throat is not "a shot of booze and a quick slice across the neck".
4212. NOBODY is allowed to put waffles in the haunted toaster.
4213. WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT USING WAFFLES?!?!?!
4214. FOR THE LAST FREAKIN' TIME...
4213. None of the crew are allowed to tell prospective crew members what we eat, apart from "food".
4214. Stop eyeing Squishy hungrily, we've still got plenty of Jaela cuts left.
4215. We do not enjoy eating our fellow humanoids.
4216. It is wrong to tell the Paladin this.
4217. Squishy has said many times his kind are not edible, he knows this from experience.
4218. Stop telling the newbies that Squishy is edible.
4219. Norbaz, stop trying to deep fry Squishy!
4220. And stop telling the dwarf lady Squishy is an ingredient for soup.
4221. Do not refer to the warforged as Anchor or Emergency Brake.
4222. When it's nearby.
4223. I know, I have used it as a anchor on several occasions.
4224. What do you mean I didn't tie it to the ship?! Who asked you?!?!
4225. V, if you are doing with those clones what I think you are, KEEL!
4226. Anyone who tells V what the "Secret Ingredient" to the meals are gets the keel.
4227. Ketler, why are you trying to awaken the keel? It's seen so much gore I dont want to know how it will turn out.
4228. No, Bruce Ki, Awaken is not the opposite of a Sleep spell...
4229. There isn't a elf with the Obese flaw flying around Eberron giving out gifts.
4230. If there where, we would have to find him, kill him, and steal his stuff.
4231. Hm, sounds good actually. Who has divination spells?
4232. I am not this Santa Claus you keep talking about.
4233. However we will tell the paladin this so we can climb down chimneys to loot stuff from houses with her permission.
4234. We will not climb down the pontiff's chimney to kidnap her. I think the paladin would be clued in to our intentions.
4235. Do not take the warforged or tell the warforged about our illicit activities.
4236. Lisa is no longer allowed to look at rules 4232-4236.
4237. I would like to remind the crew this festive season that the following substances are NOT an ingredient in eggnog: Dreamlily, Black Lotus Extract, Jaela cuts, Carrion crawler brain juice, alchemist's fire, Inflict potions, Vilestar, alchemist's frost, anything else that makes the Detect Poison spell go "PING!", vampire blood, shoe polish, Squishy, Squinty, Pholly, any other crew members (ex-, dead, alive or not alive (as the warforged)), Michael's spit, catnip (unless Marish adds it herself), chewing gum... punch, troll guts, troll fingers (especially the kind that regrow into whole trolls. It's only funny the first fifty times), mummy dust, anything Smig or Chalky won't eat, anything the warforged won't put in its mouth 3 times, anything Pholly thinks of, anything the illithid has handled, the aboleth's mucus, Squinty's glasses, anything Smig wants to put in, chicken soup, sweaters,... anything that you have to buy in a dark alley, or back room, from a shady character, or another member of the crew, if you think you should ask then no you can't add it either, if you think you shouldn't ask then it's forbidden as well, any substance that starts with alchemist's, no you can't make it with Raptorien eggs, dragon eggs are okay...
4238. Pholly is hereby forbidden from storing his alchemist's fire next to the booze.
4239. We are not RPGA-sanctioned.
4240. Would you sponsor us?
4241. I thought not.
4242. The druid is forbidden from trying to Awaken the spam.
4243. It's just not right.
4244. Spam is an aberration, after all.
4245. I must not offer an Illithid some escargot.
4246. A Disenchanter is not a good pet.
4247. Despite being a boost to morale, I must stop putting 'Kick me' signs on the captain's back.
4248. And I certainly can't put a sign on his back that reads "ask me about my bounty" when in public.
4249. A Warforged Repair Kit is not a good Christmas presend for Merrix d'Cannith.
4250. A note reading "IOU One Brain -Sovereign Host" is a good present for King Boranal.
4251. Don't worry, he won't figure it out.
4252. Due to last year's problems, we are not allowed to send presents to Jaela.
4253. I should know better than to ask, but, why is the tree still there and when are those lights gonna get taken down.
4254. I'm not Kris Kringle either, whoever the hell that is.
4255. St. Nick? Not on this ship, sucker.
4256. We hog-tied the last Saint we met, shoved him in a closet and impersonated him to get close to Jaela, remember?
4257. It is wrong to tell Lisa this.
4258. It is also wrong to talk about destroying or stealing her hammer...
4259. ...unless she's definelty out of earshot.
4260. Smig is smiling; that can't be good. Whatever it is, it's on the list.
4261. That goes double for the wild-mage (remember him?).
4262. Stupid is no longer to be keelhauled. He may actually take the keel seriously.
4263. A new punishment for Stupid is to dropped in a pit of rust monster blood. That'll teach him.
4264. Suggestions are welcome on new ideas to punish Stupid for being stupid.
4265. Possession of any of the following beverages is a keelhauling offense: Aereni Skullwine, Zilargo Tri-Chambered Alchemical Cocktails, Zilargo Four-Fold Khyber Shard-Bound Elemental Cocktails of Arcane Supremacy, Bottled Dreams, Dryad's Blood, Goodfellow's Boon, or Slag Gin.
4266. Although we could use some of those Sober Pills...
4267. And I'm liking the sound of Liquid Keelhauling...
4268. Starting from now, Liquid Keelhauling will replace the normal kind.
4269. The Keel was complaining about being used to inflict pain.
4270. Speaking of which, awakening parts of the ship is now a liquid keelhauling offense. [1]
4271. No, you may not challenge Michael, Doog and Hoybee to a drinking contest within the same week. We simply don't have that much booze, except on Dol Dornmas.
4271. I will not forget about telling the idiot crew what they can't do.
4272. I blame the Liquid Keelhauling.
4273. You are not allowed to use a loophole in Sharn tax laws to make a profit from theater that loses money.
4274. We're pirates! We don't pay taxes!
4275. You can't use the scam 4273 to try to make the worst show ever.
4276. You cannot produce the play "Springtime for King Kaius".
4277. You cannot call him King Elizabeth Kaius.
4278. He is not descended from a long line of Fey Queens.
4279. We are pirates, not producers!
4280. Nor will we use it to make shows based on children's games.
4281. You can't involve Vol in any event.
4282. Because it's Vol, not Boll.
4283. You can't involve this Boll person either.
4284. Unless is involves liquid keelhauling.
4285. I would like to remind the crew that I am the Captain and Pilot, and we are not piloted by some stowaway girl from outer space.
4286. There is no such person as this "Slip", and absolutely no substance to the rumors spreading that she is the one flying this ship.
4287. The fact that we consume enough food to explain an addtional person is beside the point. Doog must be stealing seconds.
4288. And you all saw me flying the ship into Xoriat!
4289. That no one appeared to be piloting us through the tricky bit on way out is completely irrelevant!
4290. No, Slip is not Batgirl.
4291. Godsdammit, there is no Slip. (Cold orb smacks captain in face)
4292. That was not the signal to start a snowball... wait, where did the snow come from... aww, who am I kidding.
4293. Norbaz, whenever the troll-gut ropes start growing limbs, giant-goulash is on the menu.
4294. Seriously, where did they get enough snow for ice forts?
4295. Chalky, we've talked about this a million time. It's all on list, so why did you set Stupid in arctic camo? Yes, I know it makes him invisible in the snow, but why is that a good thing?
4291. Regardless of the ship's current uncertainty on the issue of this "Slip" girl, there is no such thing as Schroedinger's Airship Pilot.
4292. No, Doog, there is not a dagger in my back because of "quantum". There's a dagger in my back because you threw it at me!
4293. Teaching Doog intelligent-sounding words is now a liquid keelhauling.
4294. Because I really didn't need to hear the term "red giant" from him. Bad mental image.
4295. The same holds true for Stupid.
4296. You know what? Stick to monosyllables.
4297. Err, I mean "No use big words. Use small words so Doog and Stupid no sound like wizards."
4298. With any luck we can get them down to pointing and grunting so we don't have to hear them talk.
4299. Not that they were far from it to begin with.
4300. Slipping Queen Aurala a liquid keelhauling is...
4301. Ah, hell, I wanna see it too.
4302. No, your shadow isn't stalking you, Pholly.
4303. And no, I don't know why your alchemy gear is missing.
4304. I guess divine justice.
4305. Lisa, we don't need an exorcism of the ship. It's just your imagination.
4306. And the overpowering evil coming from everyone else on the ship.
4307. Lisa is forbidden from reading 4306 and telling her her of it is punishable by liquid keelhauling.
4308. Just because we have people to cast Knock and Detect Secret Doors, as well as redshirts to activate traps, doesn't mean rogues are useless on the ship.
4309. We still need human/gnomish/shifter/etc. sacrifices daily!
4310. If we find a rod of wonder, if ANY of you touch it, 5 liquid keelhaulings!
4311. We are not a rock band.
4312. Esepecially one called "Dragon Mark o' DETH!!!"
4313. Devon would not be lead vocals, as I hate his sappy singing.
4314. I so would be lead vocals!
4315. And Andrea, Marish, and Lisa would be the barely, if at all, clothed back-up dancers!
4316. But no mystery-filled adventures where we unmask people in lame masks who pretend to be monsters to drive people away!!
4317. Er... if we did that, that is...
4318. No, there is no one steering the ship while I'm doing this! Especially anyone called Slip!
4319. Er... it's flying on its own, out of control.
4320. Who said that on its own is better than me?!?!
4321. I don't care if you already have fur. You will wear the sweaters. Heatstroke or no.
4322. John, that nice lady went through a lot of trouble to make a sweater that actually fit you. Poor Norbaz has been using his as a sweatband. So wear it, I don't care if it's fuschia.
4323. Anyone who tries to hug a member of the crew gets to clean the privy alone. Bring an axe.
4324. Never allow the ship to run out of of these, chickens and yarn for the nice dwarf lady (especially considering what happened last time), living redshirt decoys *ahem* crew, Booze for everyone's illusions of sanity, chalk (seriously we need something to keep that berserk changeling distracted so he doesn't spend all his time growing natural attacks and hunting the aberration in charge of the payroll), and finally if we ever run out of liquid keel haulings the person responsible gets to be Pholly's bodyguard for a week.
4324 b. And they get their pay docked every time Pholly dies.
4325. Wearing the sweater is mandatory, even if it doesn't fit and/or your body is not the right type for the sweater.
4326. :coolcthul is wearing his!
4327. Ketler is not allowed to invent anything that has to do with sweaters. Ever.
4328. Do not tell n00bs/Stupid they can fly if they throw themselves off the ship and miss the ground.
4329. Until BEFORE payday!
4330. Don't tell King Steve of Breland he can do this either. We still have Darklanterns on our tail from the last 4 times...
4331. Don't remind Hunter, Jacob Hunter about that either.
4332. You are forbidden to actually succeed in the "Fly by missing" maneuver.
Dropped objects have a range increment of 50ft. after 250ft it's considered an indirect hit. You have to hit an AC of 5 to hit the ground. It receives the normal -2 per range increment. It also gets a -4 to attacks because its an improvised weapon. The creature gets penalties depending on its maneuverability: -2 average, -4 poor, -6 clumsy. If it misses it applies the same miss rules for a thrown weapon. Jumping presumably gives you clumsy maneuverability (-6). You could jump from a 200 ft. high building or airship (-9). As a human cleric with the luck domain and 10 strength, you have BAB +0 (total -16 against AC 5) and can reroll once per day. This means you cannot hit AC 5 except on a 20. If you roll 20, reroll. If you manage to roll a 20 again (0.25%), die. Otherwise, you have managed to throw yourself at the ground and miss, which means you end up flying.
4333. Q.U.O.R.I. does not control every single aspect of our lives but the economy and toilet tissue.
4334. The Aurrum doesn't control the rest.
4335. Nor does The Lords of Dust.
4336. The Aurrum is not lead by a man named Blofeld.
4337. The Aurrum's leader does not have a son named Scott.
4338. Nor is he a member of the crew.
4339. No, we cannot get Ian Fleming to write our adventures.
4340. BECAUSE HE'S DEAD!
4341. Andrea cannot help with that.
4342. Er... Dooj, Michael, it may not be the best idea to brag about bedding Emma.
4343. Er... of course she's Jacob's sister.
4344. Yeah, that will tweak his nose big time, I'm sure.
4345. It's wrong to defect to Aundair because "On her Majesty's Secret Service" is the title of a film.
4346. King Steve would be mad at you.
4347. King Steve is Boranal's eldest son, for your information.
4348. What happened to Boranal? Er... well basically... and then after he ran naked through the barbed wire past the dwarf, on fire, covered in his own wastes, he sort of jumped into the moat that was sadly filled with oil and we haven't seen him since.
4349. The above reason is why we do not leave Michael in charge of bachelor parties from this point on.
4350. LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KING!
4351. ...yes, it was all an insidious plot by Q.U.O.R.I, I assure you, Jacob.
4352. Yes, Michael, I'm SOOOOoooo sure that Stupid handling the guest list was the problem...
4353. YOU were the one who told him to invite everyone.
4354. The Dark Six is a part of Everyone...
4355. As are Rajahs.
4356. Whatever happens... King Steve was like that when we first met him.
4357. Yes, including the slippers made of baby skin.
4358. Just pray to God Steve's daughter Sarah never comes to the throne.
4359. Because she's NOT Crazy or Moronic and we know what will happen then!...
4360. It rhymes with URKkkkkkk'.
4361. No Stupid, not LUUUUURK.
4362. As a reminder, we do in fact have a policy about medical coverage here that extends to children of crew members...
4362. Which is hereby a demand for Jacob to stop leaving so many behind!
4363. ...I don't care if she was an enemy agent! That's no reason to have sex with her!
4364. ...Admittedly, her being cute is.
4365. It is forbidden to talk about "The Night the Lights went out in Breland".
4366. The Night we hung an innocent man...
4367. ...Who was the King.
4368. The fact he survived is a monumental testament. You think being as fat as he was, his head would have come clean off...
4369. You are forbidden from mentioning what we did to the chickens...
4370. ...or why the Beholders were there...
4371. Or what we intended to do with the Crown Jewels...
4372. ...The gemstone and regalia ones, too.
4373. Listen, it was a little weird. Marish, I'll admit what you were doing okay. It kinda creeped me out...
4374. I know you were drunk...
4375. Still weird.
4376. I know the King didn't think so and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KING!
4377. Listen, Wadsworth is still in the chamber room trying to figure out who killed all those people, where, and with what!
4378. I'M NOT SHOUTING!
4379. ALRIGHT I AM! I'M SHOUTING! I'M SHOUTING! I'M SHOUT... *candlestick perched above him hits him in the head, knocks him cold*
4380. ...whoever stole all my worldly possessions and left me naked while I was out cold is hereby sentenced for a keeling.
4383. Artificers are not alowed to drain the XP from the FF for their craft reserv.
4384. They may from another airship.
4385. So long as they drain it from the lifesaver rings first.
4386. And then use said craft reserv to fix the damage done to the ship.
4387. It's a bloody miracle that the ship is still together with Pholly blowing :censored: up all the time, Ketler constantly making weapons of mass destruction, and Stupid still trying to catch the planar butterflies.
4388. Anybody caught grinning, smiling, or giggling for more than 5 seconds gets a liquid keelhauling.
4389. Doog, quit tickling the redshirts.
4390. For the BoED, the ED does not stand for THAT!
4391. No matter what Michael says.
4392. For the BoVD, the VD does not stand for THAT!
4393. No matter what Marish says.
4394. The correct way to ask a bard for Bardic Lore check is to ask them.
4395. Not to do what Michael does and smack them in the head and ask "Thranish bars and pubs for 100, Devon!"
4396. You can try that with Jacob if you really want to risk it.
4397. You cannot sell Stupid. Mainly because only Thrane would let you and we aren't too welcome there...
4398. Or anywhere, for that matter.
4399. Norbaz, do NOT let Smig help you cook.
4400. Stupid cannot cook; have you seen in Bender's cooking in Futurama? It's like that, but with Stat drain...
4401. Andrea, do not talk about what you are going to do with the reanimated corpses of fallen crew until AFTER they are dead.
4402. Or out of earshot.
4403. Ketler has been commissioned to paint flames on the side of the ship. They better make it faster, or you get a liquid keelhauling!
4404. John, go back to your keel duties of pain and bloodshed and stop preaching on about enlightenment and whatnot! I'll stick kittens on you!
4405. Er, sorry about that, Lisa and Marish. I was just kidding! I swear!
4406. Jacob, please stop referring to your +5 crossbow as a "Walther PPK".
4407. No, your archnemesis doesn't have a gold-plated one.
4408. Oh, sorry, according to Dooj... you offended a pimp with a gold-plated one.
4409. It is wrong to try and teach Stupid to act like Jacob.
4410. Who the HELL ever heard of a Warforged Austin Powers?
4411. No, I don't know why throaty torch singers with orchestra accompaniment play every time Jacob enter a room...
4412. It's good for countersong, though.
4413. AND influences reaction.
4414. The Dwarven Lady is restricted from selling those bottles of maple syrup with her likeness...
4415. Because we're running out of the 'special ingredient' that makes it holy.
4416. Ninja Jaela is catching on, and, believe me, when she does, it won't be pretty.
4417. Chalky, stop hunting Ketler. He was ordered to do the painting without you... ohh ****.
4418. Do not taunt Chalky.
4419. No, Squishy, Tabitha is not infringing on your territory, she is now your assistant.
4420. No, the mildy addictive poison Norbaz put in our food was not nicotine.
4421. Nor was it chocolate.
4422. Nor was it caffeine.
4423. We cannot imploy a Romanian paladin/fight in a leather skirt wielding a whip to kill King Kaius
4424. No, that is not stating that he can't join the crew, it is simply that he wouldn't succeed at killing Kaius.
4425. Someone get that helmet off the paladin.
4426. Kill the demons already, Norbaz finally got enough paprika for decent abyssal al a mango.
4427. Ketler, here's your mug, go to your corner and no spilling. This has to last a while.
4428. As to the helmet, Pholly, here is your new mixing bowl.
4429. Scholar, you're in charge of Stupid from now on, note this means I thrash you whenever Chalky uses him as canvas, now for instance.
4430. No more goddamn camo on Stupid, where in the FF did you get the impression that invisible Stupid is a good idea... ooohhh, invisible catapult shot.
4431. Go **** yourself sideways in a sewage ditch, I'M NOT BATMAN.
4432. New hiring policy, to avoid the hiring of pansy crew all further interviews shll be conducted thusly:
Part 1 - as normal sort into open game, and acceptable Part 2 - ram acceptable, hire survivors and have them sort the bodies into zombie and Supplies (food, components, catapult shot) Part 3 - you people know what to do with open game
4433: Anyone who lets this list disappear from view in any way, shape, or form, will get so many liquid keelhaulings that it's not funny.
4434. Correction: everyone on the FF gets to put in an idea for a suitable punishment. Then we draw 5 and drop the 2 least horrible.
4435. Lack of rations does not mean we start eating the other crew members we've forgotten about!
4436. Yes, redshirts are allowed on the crew lists.
4437. Even if on a regular basis we do things to them that I wouldn't wish on a dog I didn't like.
4438. No, it is wrong to pretend you're the Second Comming of Tira Mirron for profit.
4439. It is wrong to do it just for laughs.
4440. Swordfighting is to be conducted in a manner that involves sticking the pointy end in the other guy.
4441. Swordfighting is NOT to be conducted by sticking the pointy end THERE.
4442. It is wrong to give captured enemies a wedgie.
4443. Especially before dumping them off the plank.
4444. We do not gloat over fallen foes.
4445. We gloat over foes ALMOST defeated and allow them thus to have a chance to escape or defeat us...
4446. I don't know why, it's Tradition!
4447. Tira Mirron is not a crew member.
4448. ...and if she was, she certainly would not throw up the horns after winning at dice.
4449. Cause Tira Mirron is not f-ing metal!
4450. Tira Mirron is not my co-pilot.
4451. BECAUSE I DRIVE.
4452. It is wrong to to dump the lavatory contents over populated areas.
4453. It is wrong to freeze the lavatory contents with Cone of Colds to make dumping it over populated areas even worse.
4454. It is wrong to build Death Traps.
4455. ...without my permission.
4456. When we run low on supplies, it is wrong to invite Bullywugs onboard for French food.
4457. The same applies to Sahagin for fish.
4458. Kuo-Tua is not "Underground Bass" when served.
4459. We are not eating ANY sentient creatures.
4460. Even if we fireballed the attacking humanoids and they smell REALLY good.
4461. Cause we know what happened when we faced those pig orcs.
4462. It is wrong to try the rubber mouse on a string trick with shifters...
4463. Even if they always fall for it.
4464. The King of Breland did not get his position by being the greatest rock'n'roller of all time.
4465. You will not refer to his castle as "Graceland".
4466. It is wrong to throw bricks at the King at state functions.
4467. OR AT ANY TIME.
4468. I don't care if his speech was taking too long!
4469. Thranish Priests are not to be intimidated into healing spells.
4470. ...I don't care if that's the only way we can get healing.
4471. It is wrong to get outrageous amounts of healing from House Jorasclo then kill every one of the people involved to avoid paying for healing costs.
4472. Crew found stealing from one another will be dealt with in a summary fashion.
4473. This does not include the Captain.
4474. The position of Captain is not elected.
4475. No, Revolt and Exile is not your only option then.
4478. I will not divulge how I became Captain.
4479. But it certainly did not involve "watery tarts throwing a scimitar at me".
4480. The Necromancer is to be refrained from conducting nightmarish experiments into the realm of transformation...
4481. Because the Vorpal Bunny is an animal that NEVER should have existed.
4482. A proper response to people we've just robbed is not to point at them then Nelson laugh "Ha Ha".
4483. It's just tacky.
4484. Our demands to the Four Nation's heads will only involve world domination if they won't pay up...
4485. Because it's better to be rich than in charge.
4486. Our plan for world domination/cash will however not involve detonating an Apocalypse Stone in the Center of the Planet and destroying all life...
4487. Because we live here, moron.
4488. ...Remember when we just were pirates?
4489. Now what are we? According to our wanted posters we're guilty of Assault with a Deadly (letter lost)icken/Weapon/Spell/Golem/Undead Flumph, Perjury, Fraud, Extortion, Treason, Sedition, Fraternizing with a female of the Royal Family, Conducting onself in a Lewd Manner in a Public/Holy/Government/Private/Astral residence, Supporting marriage between species, Murder in the fourth/third/second/first/and half degree, Grand theft, Petty Theft, Counterfeiting Gold/Savings Bonds/Bank Notes/Pokemon Cards, Illegal use of magic for crimminal activity, Impersonation of a deity, Deicide (We can never go back to Dragonlance's Krynn for what really happened to Paladine), Contributing to the deliquency of a Pontiff, Driving without a Guild Permit, Piracy, Genocide of the entire Flumph race (you always wondered what happened to them, didn't you?), destruction of a dimension (the plane of mirrors lasted only one adventure sadly), narcotic trafficking of catnip to shifters, attempting to introduce online prestige classes to the setting, breaking the laws of physics in the fourth dimensional degree, heresy, blasphemy, impersonation of a government official/clerical official/dragonmarked house member/noble, Illegal Breeding of Tarrasques, Running a brothel without a license, attempting to restart the Last War, shooting of surrendering foes (which is their own damn fault), Pimp Slapping a monarch (all of them), and slavery of warforged (it's not our fault they work for oil and bolts).
4490. As totaled, we should be spending 9,000,000 years in prison.
4491. More likely they'll just execute us...
4492. Then raise us from the dead to keep executing us.
4493. We do not resolve contests by paper/rock/scissors.
4494. Or drawing the superior Magic: The Gathering card.
4495. It is wrong to urinate on dead foes.
4496. Or living ones.
4497. Or undead ones!
4498. I don't care how bad you had to go!
4499. No, Queen Aurala does not like it back there...
4500. YOU KNOW what I'm talking about.
4501. Don't ask me how I know that.
4502. It was wrong to raise Wash from Firefly as our undead zombie pilot, now apologize to Zoe.
4503. I don't care if he can juggle geese well! He can't stay!
4504. We are not a basketball team.
4505. I don't even know where that last one came from.
4506. We are not our own nation.
4507. Even if we were, Dwarf tossing is not our national pastime.
4508. ...despite how much we do it.
4509. It is wrong to exploit the loophole of confessionals to lose all criminal charges in Thrane...
4510. Especially by kidnapping a priest because it'd take too long in the booth.
4511. We are not a hip hop samurai pirate ship.
4512. I don't even know what that means.
4513. WHICH DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T SAY WE AREN'T.
4514. Shifter males are not allowed to sniff female's private areas.
4515. No, Shifter females do not go 'into heat'.
4516. Elves cannot claim "mating fever" that happens every four years for spending all of our cash at a brothel.
4517. Please refrain from ethnic slurs.
4518. Especially if you're a dirty dirty goblin.
4519. Gnomes will not be described as "like Dwarves but they suck".
4520. Bard is not the class for guys who can't get any.
4521. There will be no public comparing of 'stats'.
4522. It is illegal to cosplay as Forgotten Realms characters onboard this ship.
4523. It is wrong to write slash fic about fellow crew.
4524. Especially if you post it on the 'Net' maintained by Aundair's wizards.
4525. Villages are not to be referred to as "human dungeons" if we're low on EXP.
4526. Aereneal Elves are not to be referred to as 'deadheads'.
4527. A sniper is not the correct response to visiting dignitaries.
4528. Dol Dornmas is the only religious holiday we recognize for taking the day off to kill people for EXP.
4529. It is wrong to justify random acts of mayhem as "playing your alignment".
4530. ...especially against fellow crew.
4531. It is wrong to randomly juxtapose words into sexually provocative ones.
4532. "Therapists", "The Pen is Mightier", you know what we mean.
4533. ...Oh sweet God. You DID NOT... I... clean this up!
4534. How the hell did you ever get bloodstains THERE?
4535. Injecting people with radioactive isotopes kills them, it doesn’t give them super powers.
4536. ...So stop testing it on crew!
4537. Kalashtar crew are forbidden from pretending they can read our every thought.
5538. Because if they DID, they'd have gone insane long ago.
5539. You're not fooling anyone by just claiming we think of nothing but sex, drink, and bloodshed...
5540. Even if it's true.
5541. After the little "incident" we had over Flamekeep, "dirty bombs" are no longer allowed on board the ship.
5542 (penciled in). Dirty bombs? No one told me 'bout those! Where can I get me hands on some of those babies?
5543. Doog is to be preemptively liquidly keelhauled.
4544. (there we go) Smig is banned from storage areas containing provisions.
4545. Why didn't this rule go up sooner?
4546. There is no Slip. (magic missile to the back of the head)
4547. Goddammit, you two, Disaster, Hoybee, cut it out. Just cause someone casts a spell doesn't mean you get to blast everything that moves. Seriously that could have been just about anyone, you both know how many wands go missing on this ship.
4548. Ranks in UMD/UPD, while not specifically required, are probably a good idea for this crew.
4549. Okay, people, this is Kithle. If anyone stops pulling their weight he will eat your brains, assuming you have any, (glares at V, Stupid and Donovan) and take your job.
4550. FOR THE LAST TIME, STOP SCREWING WITH THE NUMBERS!!
4551. And nobody is Batman! Let it die, already!!
4552. All crew are forbidden from trying to recreate the Mark of Death.
4553. I don't care how much Vol is paying you to do it.
4554. The next person to spike my breakfast cereal with Maanvaki Grog gets tossed overboard.
4555. That wasn't an invitation to spike it with liquid keelhaul either.
4556. Or the Zilargo tempest.
4557. Paint, you spiked my breakfast with paint. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Well, fine, not on the first few bites, but that's not the point?
4558. Stop spiking my breakfast.
4559. Don't even think about spiking my other meals.
4560. Yes, dessert is also a meal!
4561. Even if you are a warforged, Iron Man is NOT your theme song!
4562. It belongs to the LOBster.
4563. Stop making tattoos of the Dragon Mark of Death! How the heck do you know what it looks like anyway?!
4564. Never speak of what you did with Vol again. This is a liquid keelhauling offense!
4565. You may not call each other "Joker" and "Thief".
4566. Off in the distance, a shifter did NOT growl.
4567. Two warforged are NOT approaching.
4568. AND THE WIND BEGAN TO HOOOOWWWL!!! *guitar solo*
4569. No, I am not secretly planning on taking a level in Bard, just to rock out! Go away!
4570. Do not ask the LOBster to "Dance like a robot".
4571. You CAN ask him to chew up nails and spit out coins though. He can and will do that one.
4572. Slowly sneaking up a mirror to King Kaius as he is talking is forbidden.
4573. But funny as heck.
4573-b. We may be lenient IF you are an Arcane Trickster and have the Slight of Hand and Ranged Ledgermain to pull it off.
4573-b-b. But don't try slipping liquid keelhauling in my breakfast with that!!
4574. Why is Marish blue?!?!
4575. I am taking that rod of Wonder away NOW!
4576. Those things are Banned now.
4577. Punishment for having a Rod of Wonder is being locked in a room and having Stupid fire the thing off at you til he gets bored.
4578. Stop getting Stupid to eat! Last time that happened, we had a nest of rats living in him.
4579. The Thrannish Inquisition IS expected, given how they do it often.
4580. Due to several crew members having very high fortitude saves (Hoybee, Michael, Doog, etc) regular keelhauling may be used when liquid keelhauling is proven ineffective/enjoyed.
4581. I have a very rigorous screening processes when hiring new crew.
4582. Mainly if they make Lucky scream in terror, they're in.
4583. At least there's a process!
4584. King Boranal is not a crewmember.
4585. Though he IS stupid enough to fit in.
4586. Spiking the captain's ANYTHING is forbidden unless I say you can.
4587. Don't bind an air elemental to the toilet to "Freshen up the smell". For one, it's cruel! Second, I doubt the whole Elemental Plane of Air could help us there. Or the Demi-Plane of Febreze.
4588. There are no Planeswalkers.
4589. Do not call the artificer Urza.
4590. Nor the LoBster's domain Phyrexia.
4591. This is Eberron, NOT Mirroden! They are very different.
4592. Even though they are both alternate worlds from beloved WoTC creations.
4593. That offer new magical gear.
4594. Artificers...
4595. Artificial life forms, which could have souls...
4596. Creatures that bend the stereotypes created in other series...
4597. It is just a coincidence that they are both a unique spin on a normally sword and sorcery universe, which introduces cool things like airships and cool artifacts...
4598. And has less in the way of ultra-powered characters, as compared to other works in the product line...
4599. See, they are totally different!
4600. We have dragon shards. They have blinkmoths. See, different.
4601. The next person that teaches one of our captives the term "parlay" is going to have "Evard's Spiky Tentacles of Forced Intrusion" cast on them... kapeesh?!?
4602.Performance of "Springtime for Kaius" is strictly forbidden, especialy in New Cyre and Thrane.
4603. It is wrong to arm the enemy with weapons to better shoot at us.
4604. Especially lightning guns that shoot red energy bolts.
4605. ...Even if we have guns that shoot blue energy bolts.
4606. To be taken more seriously, I've decided to wear a military uniform at all times.
4607. Also, I shall wear a hood over my face with two eyeholes.
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