Introductions (The Band of Steel)

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The following conversation was captured by surveillance microphones at the high-security facility where those would become the original members of The Band of Steel were held at the beginning of Issue 1.

DOCTOR STEEL
I am DOCTOR STEEL!
Inventor. Entertainer.Visionary.
Dr. Steel is a man of many talents with one, simple goal: To make this world a better place.
MADAME SHADE
I am Madame Shade, a Voodoo Bokor and practicioner of Mojo.
DOCTOR STEEL
Doctor Steel welcomes you to his team, but requests that you keep the drug-addled minion off camera during press conferences and public appearances, as he is not a proper role model for children.
WARCRY
I am Cihuacaotl, the reborn Avatar of the Aztec goddess whose scream signalled the start of wars. Until recent events, I had been engaged in a campaign to clear a mountain kingdom in Guatemala of all multinationals and exploiters, and install a utopia.
DOCTOR STEEL
Doctor Steel welcomes you to his team and looks forward to your assistance in helping him defeat child exploiting multinationals in Central America after we defeat the aliens.
CARNIVORE
WRRAAAOOWRRR!
DOCTOR STEEL
Doctor Steel will graciously allow you to preceed him in conflict situations!
MADAME SHADE
What do you think Joe is for?
CARNIVORE
I'll be happy to do the cooking, too.
WARCRY
Man, you are creeping me out!
BONEYARD
Boneyard am dead ol' Rebel, dat's just what Boneyard am...
DOCTOR STEEL
Doctor Steel welcomes... um... welcomes you to his... ah... to his... (what is that SMELL?)
BONEYARD
Grrrrr.... NO AM SMELLY, STOOPID DOCTOR MAN - ME AM HATes.......
DOCTOR STEEL
Look! Look! Shiny object! Shiny! Want the shiny? Fetch! Fetch, zombie, fetch!
BONEYARD
OOOOooooooooooooooo, SHINY SHINY!!
Wait... Wot?!?? ZOMBIE??!?!?
WHERE!!!
ME AM BONEYARD, ME AM HATE ZOMBIES!!!
DAY SQUICH GOOD!!!
Me am gonnna... uhh wait...
GIMME SHINY!!!
GIMME SHINY!!!!
DOCTOR STEEL
(Quick! Get those reporters OUT OF HERE!)

As Boneyard first looks menacing to the good Doctor, then turns shoulders hunched but still 7-8' tall as he breathes on the shiny rubbing it with his blue-grassy forarm... making it clean was the plan... Plans sometimes fail. And Boneyard is confused again...

CARNIVORE
What smell? It's a healthy musk.
DOCTOR STEEL
Doctor Steel welcomes you to his team and hopes that when all this is over you might consider an offer to join his operations full time. It is well known that children LOVE dinosaurs, and Doctor Steel sees a bright future for you. Can you sing?
Alternately, if a media career is not among your interests, Doctor Steel sees other ways that you could help further the cause of children. Third World sweat shop owners and operaters taste very much like chicken, or so Doctor Steel is told.

(Meanwhile, hearing the word "musk" Boneyard starts chanting or singing? the funny little word...)

BONEYARD
MUSk, musk, musket, musk'm, munch'em, muskets-n-guns, eggs-n-bacon... hMMMMMM... me am HUNGRY!! anybody give um am bacon-animal? Me am missing bacon piggies am smell too... huhehuhehe... day small an smelly like musk... harharharhar.... MUSk, musk, musket, musk'm, munch'em, muskets-n-guns, eggs-n-bacon...
MUSk, musk, musket, musk'm, munch'em, muskets-n-guns, ackon-n-beggs...
MUSk, musk, musket, musk'm, munch'em, muskets-n-guns, eggs-n-bacon...
MUSk, musk, musket, musk'm, munch'em, muskets-n-guns, ackon-n-beggs...
HEY... Who es you dare?"
NOISE
I'm "Noise" — fun-loving anarchist that's a living amplifIer. I generate loud volumes of raw noise and use it as a weapon. Hate authority. Love destroying stuff, especially fragile and expensive stuff (like computers and cars).
Bringing it all down with nothing but sound, baby! Nothing but SOUND!
Yeah, I used to be one of them — clockpunching drones of the man, wasting away my life. But after I went to go see "Gratuitous Carnage" in concert, it all changed. I got some sort of dose of super sound in me and it's stayed — I AM the sound now, baby. The noise! That's me!
Bringing it all down with the power of sound, man. Nothing but sound! Everyone hears me coming but nothing they can do. Can't stop the noise... just can't stop me. Wherever I go, I bring it down hard against the man. no clock punching for me. no wasting my life. No more man telling me what to do. Especially no damn fish man, damn straight. I bring the noise loud and hard on whoever gets in my way. It's my life now and nobody gonna push me around no more. That includes you too... you got me?
Every since the concert, computers and machines don't like me much... but that's okay. I don't like them neither. it's mutual. Computers and cameras and cars — the more things you own, the more things own you. I heard that in a movie once. I liked it. It was a cool movie.
So, You're Doctor Steel huh? I heard you make cool toys. That's way cool, man. Way cool.
DOCTOR STEEL
Each of us is strong, but together we are stonger still. Each of us brings different skills, but together we can put them to great use. Each of us can fight the aliens, but together we can defeat them. Let us therefore come together, unite as one against this threat, and form a team that will know no defeat, fear no enemy, balk at no challenge! We shall form a supergroup such as this world has never seen!
The BAND OF STEEL!
Let the aliens tremble at our name! Let the people of earth take heart! For WE shall be the authors of their salvation! WE shall write the death knell of our oppressive alien overlords! WE shall free ALL THE PEOPLES OF THIS WORLD from the chains of tyranny and bring about a new age of peace, prosperity, and above all FUN for everyone!
Come my brothers! Come my sisters! Come dinosaur, come zombie, come each and every one! The BAND OF STEEL is formed this day! And WE SHALL NOT BE DENIED!!!!!
CARNIVORE
Too wordy.
How about THE DONNER PARTY?
DOCTOR STEEL
Doctor Steel politely points out that "The Band of Steel" not only sounds cool and has no overtones of cannibalism (which might frighten children), but is also a mere four syllables instead of five, making it, in fact, somewhat faster to pronounce than his colleague's worthy suggestion.
MADAME SHADE
Wait a minute. Why should you get top billing, Doctor? Just because you had a TV show and action figures, doesen't give you the right to tell us what to do. Why shouldn't we be Madame Shade's Irregulars?
DOCTOR STEEL
Tell you what to do? Tell you what to do? My dear lady, whatever gave you the impression that I intend to tell you what to do? Not only would the mere idea of such a thing be base folly, akin as it is to the idea that one can alter the laws of physics or herd cats, but it would also run highly counter to my expressed desire that the world become a place of happiness and fun. Do you think it would be fun taking orders from me, Madame Shade? Of course you do not!
No, what I propose is something entirely different! The Band of Steel is not some autocratic organizational pyramid, with Doctor Steel at its apex and you all below! Rather it is a collaborative effort, one in which we all seek to achieve our goal — to rid the world of this alien menace! We each and every one have our particular skills, talents, and abilities. You control your magics, Carnivore has his great ferocity, Boneyard his ability to travel through the earth, and so on. It merely so happens that my abilities correspond with those of a front man! I have experience before the cameras, I know how to get a message across to the masses, and I have excellent telepresence! In short, I am highly charismatic (insert tooth-gleaming smile here) and can use that ability to our advantage!
If we are to win this fight, we will need to rally earth to our side! In order to do that we must present a message that is both stirring and appealing! As the spokesmn for our group it would be my job to deliver that message, to win the people of earth over to our cause! While it is true that any of us could, in fact, step into that role it is equally true that there are some who are better able to play that part, as it were, than others.
As for the name, it is part of the plan! Our message to the people of earth must be strong, unified, focused like a laser to cut through the chains of alien oppression. While it is true that taking on the role of the Herald of Carnivore or Madam Shade's Zombie Mouthpiece are certainly within my capabilities, having the spokesman of the group not also be the front man will weaken out message. What is Madame Shade hiding, people will wonder, that she does not speak for herself? As I have said, we all have our own gifts and abilities — I suggest myself as front man because I am best equipped for it, and because I believe that each of us will need to use each and every one of our given talents to its utmost abillity if we are to succeed!
But truly, what is your concern, Madam Shade? Do you fear that I will take on the role of Emperor, giving commands to you all while lounging on a throne being fed on grapes? Do you believe that I have the power to bend each and every one of you unwilling to my will? Do you fear that I can somehow compel you to obey? I assure you, dear lady, that none of this is true! Doctor Steel burns with the same desire that burns within each of you — to see earth freed of its yoke of alien-imposed slavery! Had I the desire and the power to bend you to my will or compel your service, we would not be having this discussion! No! Doctor Steel will not compel, will not force, will not play the role of king of emperor or CEO! The very name I suggest, the Band of Steel, should show you my intent. It is a band, a circle. In a band all parts are equal, the whole only as strong as each part. can you not see from this that it is my wish that each of us be as equals in this endeavour?
Or do you worry that should we succeed I shall try to take the credit for myself? Again dear lady you need not wory! Should we succeed in freeing earth, that act alone will be the benchmark of our success or failure. If we fail then none will remember us. If we succeed then the laurels will fall in profusion upon each and every one of us, and humanity will shower us all with praise and adoration. Because we will succeed together, Madame Shade! Together! And in succeeding together, do you really believe that any part will be fogotten? Do you believe that the public will forget the power of your voodoo magic? The ferocity of Carnivore's attacks? They WILL NOT! On this you have my word, for as speaker for the group it is not simply my job to speak and to get the group's message across to others, but to tell the world of our exploits, to remind the world that no one member of the Band of Steel IS GREATER THAN ANY OTHER! That I stand before the cameras ONLY AS SPOKESMAN for a group that is greater than myself — greater than ANY OF US, Madame Shade — the group that will FREE THIS GOOD EARTH from the oppression of aliens and BRING HOPE to the HEARTS OF THE MASSES once again!
Let us set aside this petty bickering, Madame Shade! I depend upon you — WE depend upon you — to do your part... to manipulate your magics and use them to bolster the team and help defeat the aliens. I believe in you, Madame Shade! I believe that you feel as I do, that the desire to defeat the aliens burns in your heart as it burns in mine. I trust you, Madame Shade. I trust you to use your powers to the best of your ability to further our cause. The same goes for each and every one of you. I believe in you, I trust you, I know that you will not let me down, not let each other down, not let yourselves down. I ask in return only that you believe in me as I believe in you, that you trust me as I trust you. BELIEVE ME — I am the best of our troupe to represent us to the masses. I would not step into the role if I thought otherwise. TRUST ME — I will not betray you, will not lord above you, will not let you down. Doctor Steel has never stood for any such idea and HE NEVER WILL!
IF you believe me, IF you trust me, then let us join together, put our minor differences aside, and all get on with the task at hand. But if you cannot, if you will not give that trust, that belief in me then speak up now for all to hear. For if you will not trust me, then you will not trust the others! If you will not believe in me then you will not believe in them either! And if that trust, that belief is lacking, then we will not be the BAND OF STEEL, strong, courageous, and bold! We will be no sort of band, mere partners of convenience who will betray one another at the drop of a hat for momentary advantage. Do you think for a moment that such a group can stand against the alien menace? That weakened from within by doubt and distrust we can succeed against the threat from without? I do not, and I fear for earth if we fail. Come, I beg you. Yes, Doctor Steel begs! (Gets down on one knee). Please... all of you. Stand WITH Doctor Steel. I do not wish you to stand against me. I do not wish you to stand below me! I wish only that you join with me, each of you, with a whole heart and a fiery spirit! (Stands up) Let us form a group such as this world has never seen! Let us form a group such to make the aliens fear in their dark and evil hearts! Join with me and we shall shake the very PILLARS OF HEAVEN! (Bows)

(Followed by the first recorded standing ovation for a super-villain at the penitentiary — except for BONEYARD, whose eyes rolled back in his head and he's now napping while the good Doctor says lots of big words. He's not used to talking for more than a few sentences without getting lost...)

WARCRY
Well said, Doctor.
DOCTOR STEEL
Doctor Steel WARMLY welcomes you to his team and mentions that he believes that a line of dolls in your likeness with interchangable costumes would sell quite well! Alternately should you be of a more martial bent he believes that he could easily manufacture a compact death ray that could easily and comfortably be concealed within your headdress.
WARCRY
Thank you for your charming greeting. A line of votive dolls in the image of She-Whose Cry-Announces-War, suitable for use in small domestic shrines, would be quite acceptable. Please note that it is not necessary to add the human sacrifice kit with the votive dolls, as I have decided that such sacrifices are no longer pleasing in my eyes. Instead, all future blood sacrifices and facsimiles thereof may use alien invaders as a victim. If alien physiognomy makes the removal of the victim's beating heart impossible, another suitable vital, still active internal organ (or facsimile thereof in the case of dolls) may be substituted. I have spoken.
As for the weapon you suggest, it is an entirely satisfactory proposal. I wish for such a weapon, to be referred to as the "Smoking Mirror", to be built commencing immediately.
DOCTOR STEEL
Do you wish the votive dolls to be non-articulated, articulated, articulated and capable of limited independant activity, or articulated and fully sentient? Production costs will, of course, go up with the higher end products.
This will call for additional market and design research to determine which organs are appropriate. As I read your message it seems likely that you plan on conducting a certain measure of this research yourself. Please keep me informed of your progress. Photos would be helpful.
As I am currently lacking in hard information, my further speculations on the final product must, of course, remain somewhat vague. However, I recommend that the removable organs be made of high impact plastic in a bright, friendly shade such as international orange, unless it turns out that alien internal organs happen to be appropriately shaded. Also, in order to keep the final product "child friendly" I suggest that the dolls issue some suitably positive message when their organs are removed. Some examples include:
  • Owie owie owie owie owie!
  • Oops!
  • Holy War Cry!
  • Well now I know, and knowing is half the battle!
  • Hey, I need that back!
  • Dang, that's something!
Inappropriate comments, including the following, should be avoided:
  • DRAWN-OUT SCREAM
  • "Who will care for my children?"
  • "Please, please, GOD NO! NOOOOOOO!"
  • "The pain! The agonizing, horrible pain!"
  • "Death will be sweet relief from my suffering!"
  • VOMITS BLOOD
I hope these suggestions are of help to you and look forward to working with you in fleshing out the final products. I take your word in its full and contractually binding sense. I will begin on the plans at once. Do you have a preference as to color?
NOISE
Geeze, I didn't get an invite. I guess I'm not welcome, huh? Typical.
But it's okay. Some people fear the Noise. Can't be helped. I'm cool with it. I won't start nothing, Doc, not with you... not unless you start it first.
DOCTOR STEEL
My dear sir, forgive me my terrible manners! Inexcusable, simply inexcusable! Please make yourself comfortable! Would you care for a soda?
I had hoped to speak with you before this, but matters with Madame Shade and War Cry distracted me. I am MOST interested to learn more of your sound based powers and what you can do with them. I am familiar with the more destructive aspects of your abilities, but what of the more finely tuned abilities? Are you able to modify sound? To make, say, a train whistle sound like a bird call? Can you amplify sound without increasing its force to destructive levels? Can you use it to imitate specific voices?
If you are able to do any or all of these things, you have a bright future ahead of you, I can assure you! I forsee a great place for you within my organization as - LIVING SOUND TECHNICIAN! Most sound technicians must stay apart, hidden behind their banks of equipment, their wires, their cables, their mixers. But not you, sir, no! In you we could bring something unique, something never before seen, to the fore. Imagine the exquisite control we might have over our stage presence with you there to provide the appropriate sound effects and IN ADDITION to be a presence in your own right! Genius! Sheer genius!
You love music, do you not? Children love music too! You are young, handsome! I can easily see you on the cover of Teen Beat magazine! We could reach entirely new audiences! When you take the stage young girls will swoon! Your fan club will be huge!
Now I realize that we have gotten off on the wrong foot, entirely my doing I am afraid! But I hope that perhaps you can rise above my initial boorish behavior and consider my offer! I don't need an answer now, of course! We have the aliens to defeat first. Just think about it. I believe that we can do great things together!
In the meantime, how can Doctor Steel be of assistance to you? Do you require anything special? Atomic metronome perhaps? Upgraded MP3 player with the ability to read your mind, detect the song you want to hear next, and play it? My inventive genius is at your service, you have but to ask!



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