RP Entry: Geometry of the Heart

Lucifer's Landing
Arrival + 4 days
Evening

Goosebumps raised on Joshua's bare arms from a strong breeze blowing across him as he sat on the steps of Christian's front porch. Not two minutes ago, he had been standing before the front door, arm raised and hand poised to knock. But he hadn't knocked. Instead, he had quietly walked away and sat down on the nearby steps. He needed to see Rina, but he had realized that after hours, it was likely to be Christian answering the door. And he wasn't in the mood to deal with the ever aware Companion tonight.

Nervousness and tension roiled inside him. He hadn't seen much of Rina since the landing. They had talked at Rick's memorial service, but since then he had been keeping to himself, for reasons he wasn't completely sure of. But he knew watching her be with Christian and Lem as a family had forced him to a decision he didn't want to make and wasn't sure he could keep.

Rina needed to be spending time with them and not with him. And her family here was a reminder of her family yet to come when Mike returned. So Joshua had decided to deliberately stay away. Give her physical space, hoping it would serve as the words he couldn't say out loud. Saying them would mean they were no longer lovers. And even though Joshua knew they couldn't be together for much longer, he wasn't ready yet.

Which was why he was here, sitting on the porch, afraid to knock on the door. She would eventually notice his absence. Maybe not right away. Lem would keep her busy. But she would figure it out eventually. Then she would ask. And it would be over. And before everything changed, Joshua wanted one more night with her. One more chance to be with Rina as a lover, before they went back to being just friends.

***

“Point,” I said, reading to Lem a book we’d purchased in town earlier today. “A location in space. A dot on a piece of paper. Line: Connects two points via the shortest path and continues indefinitely in both directions. Line segment: Part of a line between two points. Parallel Line Segments: Line segments that never intersect. They are always the same distance apart.” I turned the page and glanced up and found Lem fast asleep.

Huh. He lasted three pages. Good for him.

Lem normally went out like a light but was too hell-fired interested in the book to drop off immediately as usual. He’d pulled it from the bin at the general store and insisted I buy it and read it to him when I tucked him in. Basic Geometry, said the raised letters on the spine and since Lem seemed to have a good grasp of algebra already, I figured geometry was the next logical step. He squirmed all through supper and Christian had barely stepped out of the house to meet a client when Lem shoved the book in my hands and demanded a reading. I managed to bargain a delay long enough to get him bathed and dressed for bed and half an hour later, he was snoring through my recitation. I put the book on the twin bed opposite so he’d see it first thing on waking, turned down the lamp and let myself out.

I’d just come off the quarter turn at the bottom the stairs when I spied something through the front windows. Pulling open the door, I saw someone sitting on the front steps and I knew it was him.

“Joshua? What are you doing here?” I kept my voice low to avoid waking Lem and checked the street. It was empty, befitting the hour, the windows of the buildings around us glowing warmly in the night. “Come in before you get cold.”

***

The sound of her voice was unexpected, but yet somehow it was expected as well, like he knew she would find him out here, no matter how quiet he was. "Just enjoying the night. I don't get as cold as many."

Joshua stood up slowly and walked in, keeping his voice quiet as he said, "I didn't want to bother you and I wasn't sure exactly when Lem went to sleep." The warmth of the house felt good. Despite what he said, he did get cold and the house heat made him realize he had been colder than he had thought.

***

I closed the door behind us and slipped my arms around him.

"Liar," I said affectionately into his shirt. I could feel the chill off his flesh and wondered how long he'd been sitting there. I kissed his cheek lightly and pulled him toward the kitchen. "Come on, let's get you warmed up."

***

The warmth of her body and the touch of her arms sent a shivery tingle up his spine which then traveled throughout his entire body. He looked around the parlor as he followed Rina into the kitchen. The decor was spare, but somehow still cozy and one hundred percent Christian in feel. Which reminded him...

"Is Christian here?"

He kept the tone casual, just a simple question. He had already mentally prepared himself before coming to keep what he was feeling at a deep level. Joshua had told himself it wasn't any different from a borrowing. Just pretend you're the Joshua from 2 months ago who isn't planning to end it with Rina, who wants it to last forever. He couldn't let her know what he had planned. Letting his emotions slip to the surface would just start the conversation he wanted to avoid having.

***

“Christian’s out with a client,” I said, stepping into the kitchen. “And Lem’s asleep but it’s okay to talk. He’s a sound sleeper.”

I hadn't time to clean everything from dinner, though the table had been cleared. The stew was still on the stove, bubbling and fragrant. I sat Joshua down and got a bowl of it in front of him.

"I've got hot tea and cold milk." I handed him a clean spoon from the cutlery drawer. "Which would you like?"

I hoped he'd pick the tea. I hadn't missed that shiver when I'd hugged him and felt his insides needed warming up more than they needed chilling down.

***

He had eaten already, but Joshua wasn't going to turn down anything Rina offered him tonight. "I'll take the hot tea. Is this stew you or Christian?" If Christian was out with a client, it was possible that Rina had made it. Her cooking skills had definitely improved since he had first started teaching her.

***

"Mine," I said, pouring him a cup and putting it near his hand. I poured myself a refill from the pot and settled across from him. "Beef. Lem helped chop the veggies. I think he was more enthusiastic than he was accurate. But they cooked up just fine. I added bay leaf but I think it could use a little rosemary. What do you think?"

I tried not to fiddle with my teaspoon, knowing he'd notice. I kept my voice light and conversational but I watched his first spoonful like a hawk, anxious as to his judgment. I'd slaved over that recipe hoping to strike just the right balance of heavy and light, savory and sweet, and though Christian had pronounced it good, I didn't trust him to choose candor over diplomacy.

***

"Enthusiasm goes a long way," he said in-between a mouthful of stew. It really was good. She had a sense for what worked together, which seemed to apply to her cooking as well as her mechanical endeavors. Rina was trying not to show how much she wanted him to like it, but his senses tonight were on edge, honed by sheer nervousness. Tiny little signals were huge emotional flares for him right now. So when he responded, he made sure to temper his response so she wouldn't think he was just being nice. "It's very good, Rina. A little more rosemary wouldn't hurt, but I also tend to err on the side of 'it's hard to have too much rosemary’."

He ate another bite. "Or garlic, for that matter." He took a sip of the hot tea. Between the stew and tea, he was already starting to warm up.

'***

Damn. That was the note I’d been missing but couldn’t identify: garlic. I’d remembered to brown the meat and sweat the onions but I’d flat out forgotten the garlic. It was the sort of mistake a rank beginner would make and I was hardly a beginner. I'd been taking lessons from Joshua for months now. I forced down my disappointment and chalked tonight’s efforts up to another learning experience. Aloud, I simply said, “There’s more if you need it.”

***

He shook his head at her offer of more. "If I hadn't already eaten, I definitely would be chowing down seconds. You do good work, Rina. You've come a long way.

"So how are you? I hadn't seen you in a few days and I just wanted to say hello." Well, if he was being honest, he wanted more than just to say hello. Hello was a good starting point though. And besides, Joshua simply missed just plain talking with her. On the Gift, there hadn't been more than a few hours by where he hadn't said at least a few words to Rina. Given that, 3 days seemed like a very long time indeed.

***

“Busy,” I said, not sure if the slight formality in his tone was real or imagined. “Lem’s a handful, even when he’s gainfully engaged in school or in a project. He’s a bright kid and it’s a full time job keeping him challenged.” I stirred my tea with my spoon. “I’m glad you stopped by. The house seems empty with Christian gone and Lem asleep. It’s too…quiet.”

It made me think on the few times my parents and brothers had been occupied elsewhere and I’d had the house to myself. The novelty of having complete run of the property had quickly palled in their absence and my pleasure had been short-lived. I certainly disliked having people underfoot when I was working and positively loathed being micromanaged, but I also wasn’t suited to complete isolation, either. Over the years I had come to realize that while I would never be comfortable with large groups of people, I still needed a trusted few around me to keep me grounded. To keep me sane. I had that with our crew and living dirtside with Christian and Lem was a variant of the same. And Joshua formed yet another, more intimate, variant and it was one I missed.

***

Joshua nodded when she mentioned how the house was too quiet. The Gift was often very quiet with Nika and Arden either off doing their own things outside or buried in their own space. The plants in Botany Bay were nice, but they weren't people.

He rested his hand over top the hand she was using to stir her tea. "Mostly, I was just lonely and wanted some company. I was hoping you felt the same way."

***

I did feel the same way and when he took my hand, I showed him just how much.

***

When she pulled him up to his feet and gave him a long, deep kiss, it was like flying. Everything faded away but the places where their hands and lips and bodies touched. And he swore he could feel the floor underneath his feet dropping away as they kissed.

All too soon, the kiss and the sensation ended, and he stood on the kitchen tile again, with her held tight in his arms. That kiss just confirmed what he already knew. As long as he was near her, he was going to be the drug addict, wanting that one more hit before going into rehab. He had to stay away or he'd never be able to stop seeing her. But he'd have tonight, at least.

Just tonight. Of course you won't come back tomorrow night. Or the night after. Or the night after that. It'll be just this once. You can stop anytime you want.

The voice in his head mocked him mercilessly and he wasn't sure it was wrong. But he had to try. After tonight.

He looked into her eyes, those deep pools of brown and smiled at her. "I love you, Rina." He said it calmly, working as hard as he could to keep his voice from betraying the hurt building in his heart. "I just wanted to make sure you knew that."

***

Just wanted to make sure I knew that? Something was off, but damned if I knew what or why. I eased down off my toes and put my feet flat on the floor and held him. Then:

“Come on.” I took him by the hand and led him upstairs. The kitchen was fine for everyday activity but given the shotgun layout of the house, anyone standing on the front porch would get an eyeful of us necking—or more than necking—if we remained on the ground floor. Lem’s out for the night. He won’t hear a thing, not if we’re careful. The stairs squeaked and groaned but nothing beyond what Lem was accustomed to. Even so, I made a note to look into it later. I paused at the top and put a finger to my lips, indicated Lem’s room, and tilted my head toward my door.

***

Joshua stepped carefully past Rina to the door of her room and slowly swung it open. He walked in quietly and sat very carefully down on the bed. The last thing he needed to do here is wake up Lem.

***

Closing the door and locking it took two shakes. Joining Joshua on the bed took two more and I kissed him again and drew him down.

***

He took it slow, wanting to savor every last moment, every last kiss, every last touch. Every brush of her hand across his skin was fire, threatening to burn him completely from the outside in. Everywhere he touched her, his fingers tingled with what felt like electric sparks jumping from her to him.

He feared she would figure out what was going on in his head. Several times, he held her a little too tightly, as if he could keep her with him if he clasped her close enough. It was so hard keeping those emotions pushed deep down within him. The sheer power of the experience threatened to leave him wide open, exposing all his thoughts to Rina. Just the intensity of it all had to clue her in, he thought.

When it was over, he was left somehow both completely happy and incredibly sad at the same time. But he shouldn't have been surprised by that. The rollercoaster ride that had been his relationship with Rina had never been simple, never easily broken down into just one emotion.

***

I lay cradled in the crook of his arm and listened to his pulse pound and slow as we cooled down. The voyage to Angel had been busy with repairs and with taking stock, of licking our wounds and managing our grief over Rick’s death. It was no surprise Joshua and I hadn’t had many opportunities to get physical and the lack showed. Did it ever. I felt deliciously languid and stroked his chest in soft absentminded circles, letting my silence do the talking for me.

***

He was going to miss this. The simple pleasure of her against him, just content in being next to each other. He wasn't sure he could replace these tiny moments, no matter how he tried. But even if he couldn't, at least he had been given months with her. It was just greedy to want more. He just needed to be thankful for what they had.

"Thank you." Joshua put more weight into his simple thank you than he intended, giving it weight for everything that she had given him in the last six months. That would start questions he didn't want to answer, so he quickly covered with a follow-up. "That was really nice."

***

I levered up on an elbow and caressed his face.

"You're really nice. More than really nice, Joshua." I smiled softly and traced his lips with my fingers. "A treasure, a pearl beyond price."

***

She was not making this easy on him. How was he supposed to let go when she kept saying things like that? It started him imagining a change in who she chose. And that he couldn't afford to do. So Joshua did the only thing he could do. He changed the subject.

Grabbing her hand gently, he kissed the center of her palm. "Do you want me to leave, so I won't be here when Lem wakes up in the morning?" Or Christian, for that matter?

***

"Stay," I said. I gently reclaimed my hand and smoothed his hair back, reluctant to have him go.

***

Her request to stay tempted him more than he would ever be able to tell her. But he couldn't stay. This was his first chance to draw the invisible line between lovers and friends. While he couldn't logically explain it, he knew not drawing that line now would end up with him in her bed again. And the next time would be even harder.

"Maybe," he said quietly, "it would be better for Lem if I didn't sleep here in this room. I picture him rushing in excited and then finding me. I'm not Mike and I'm not Christian. I don't belong there in that moment." No matter how much he wished it.

He slowly started to get up, scanning the floor for where he had dropped his clothes. "I can go back to the Gift. Once I get my clothes on, anyway."

***

I sat up and watched him dress and thought about what he'd said. Lem knew Mike and Christian and there was no mistaking either man's relationship with me. Joshua was a new face in Lem's circle of acquaintances and Joshua's standing with me was still undefined. Or rather, the level of intimacy was. And without Christian here to keep me from stepping in it should Lem ask, perhaps Joshua was right and discretion was the better option. It felt off, however. As if I had something to hide. I didn't. But this wasn't just about me. Joshua's wishes held equal weight in this equation and since an argument would net us nothing but trouble, I let the matter go.

"I'll walk you to the door," I said.

***

He looked Rina's nakedness up and down as she got out of the bed. "You're going to be awfully cold outside like that." And he reached down and picked up her shirt, holding it in front of her with a bit of a smirk. He could still laugh with her (at her?). Good sign.

***

"Oh." I couldn't help looking down to check like an idiot and when I looked back up, he was handing me my shirt. I pulled it on and started hunting down the rest of my wardrobe. "Sorry. I don't think all my brain cells have recovered just yet."

***

Joshua waited patiently for her to get her clothes on, and then quietly left the room and headed down the stairs. When he got to the bottom, he waited for her to catch up so he could give her a kiss good-night.

***

I slipped my arm around his waist as I came off the last tread and gave him a squeeze.

"Come by for breakfast? Christian generally stays out all night on client visits and comes home in the morning after saying his goodbyes."

***

"I'll do my best." He smiled at her. He didn't want to promise anything he might not be able to keep. He walked over to the front door where the sight and sound of rain beating against the window caught his attention. Well, crap. It was going to be a wet walk back to the ship.

***

"Joshua, stop. You'll freeze." I pulled him back from the door, surprised at the sudden appearance of the foul weather. Then again, I hadn't really paid attention to the outside world for at least an hour. "Stay. We have an extra bed in Lem's room. He's had friends spend the night on sleepovers, so Christian's told me, and you're already a friend. Lem won't mind. Stay."

***

She was right. He was going to be miserable if he went out in that mess. "Okay, I'll stay. Hopefully I won't wake him up. You can show me where it is in the dark." Joshua turned to the stairs and let her lead him back up. It was going to be awkward in the morning with Lem waking up to him there, but sometimes life didn't work out exactly as expected.

***

Suppressing a snort, I leaned over and snapped on the lamp at the foot of the stairs.

"Not quite so dark," I said, quirking a grin at him. "Come on. Let's get you settled."

So up the treads we went for the second time that night, to quietly enter another bedroom. As I'd thought, Lem had slept through everything but the thunder and the harsh rush of the rain against his window had roused him, and he blinked at us when we came in.

"Mom?"

"Hey," I said softly. I knelt and hugged him and he settled right back down. "Joshua came by for a visit and now he can't go home because of the rain. Share your room with him until it stops?"

" 'Lo, Joshua." Lem sketched a floppy wave and turned over on his pillow. "'Night, Joshua. 'Night, Mom."

And just like that, Lem went back to sleep. I looked over my shoulder at the man in question.

"Problem solved."

***

He smiled at Rina and whispered, "Thanks for the room." He then got settled in on the bed as Rina left to go back to her room. He'd have to sleep in his clothes, but that wasn't a big deal.

Like she said, Problem solved. If only all of life's problems could be so easily solved.

***

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