The Longest Journey

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Thanks to Kiera for working through this with me. And thanks to Arden for posting his own inner monologue, as it clarified a few things within this scene for me. The title came from the quote at the end.--Terri



The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.---Barbara DeAngelis.



The words ran through Kiera with the power of a lightning bolt, powerful enough to make her knees weak.

It's not your mother.

She sighed, giving thanks to the stars outside and the gods above. But then another twinge shook her, the next words of the wave not so unexpected, but nonetheless horrid. We don't know where your mother is.

Well duh, came her reactive sarcasm and yet when she felt Nika's hands on her, she could only give her a grateful and weak smile. "Thanks for saving my Dad," she stated softly. "Sorry you had to shoot my mom clone. I know I've wanted to sometimes ... The real one I mean."

---

Nika's arm held Kiera's weight as the other woman's knees turned to water. Her dark blue eyes were sorrowful, but there was a great amount of relief in her expression. "I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am that this wasn't your mother." She couldn't have faced her friend again had it gone the other way.

---

Closing her eyes, Kiera shuddered lightly. She had almost lost both of them. As much as they could get under her skin, she loved her parents. Sighing, she opened her eyes again to look Nika in the face. "I couldn't have shot her, Nika. I just couldn't have." She swallowed and took her own weight and wrapped her arms around her friend. "I don't know what I would have done," she whispered in the blonde's neck. "If she had taken him. I don't know what I'm going to do if she is dead. Without you, he'd be gone though. I couldn't have shot. . .that woman. Not knowing if it was Mother under some sort of control or a stand-in, I would have just had to let them go. And then. . ."

She let the words fade, silent for a very long time. At length, she pulled away and grinned in a weary parody of her normal grin. "I need a drink."

---

"Yeah," Nika agreed softly. "You do. C'mon." Keeping her arm wrapped around Kiera's shoulders, she stuck close until they could get away. Once they were back aboard, she tapped lightly on Kiera's door. She didn't come bearing alcohol -- she figured Kiera had enough of that socked away inside. She only brought herself, to keep the redhead company while she settled.

---

"Come in." Kiera looked up as Nika came through the door, only the slight reddening of her eyes giving away any of her distress. Raising an eyebrow, she waved at the bed, sliding her guitar to the floor and gesturing towards the only slightly tapped bottle of whiskey. "Want some? I've got another glass and some ice in that mug."

---

"Sure, if you're of a mind to share," Nika agreed. She's been terribly good about avoiding alcohol since Arden put her on the medications for the depression she'd sunk into for a time, but tonight... well, it would have to be what it was. She picked up the mug that was gestured to and joined Kiera on the bed, facing the other woman. "You holding up, lady?"

---

"Reliving it. Probably not the best thing. But I'm okay." Her eyes narrowed a little. "You okay? This was kinda an odd situation." She laughed lightly. "Hell, taking a daily drug to keep from going crazy and then this is just freaking odd. And now we're gonna go fly out to find our great, great, great times 10 grand-relatives. So are you okay?"

---

"I'm okay," she assured quietly. "I can't even say for certain this is the oddest thing I've done this week." With a faint shrug, Nika leaned back on her hand. "Besides, if I said no, I'd have to explain why. And I'm not entirely sure I have the words. Considering the fact that I just put a bullet through a woman's head not knowing whether she was a friend's mother or not, I'm thinkin' my issues don't really compare, y'know?" She smiled slightly, taking a swallow of the whiskey after it made it into her mug.

---

Kiera chuckled, deep in her throat before letting her eyes twinkle at the lanky pilot. "Hell, Nika!" she exclaimed. "I need to worry about somebody else's problems for a change. I'm sick of mine. Share, woman!"

---

The warmth of the alcohol went all the way from her throat to her stomach and she put the back of her hand to her mouth to hold it in and feel the depth of that burn. Nika considered her words carefully and admitted softly, "This thing with Arden? Kind of... strange. Interesting. But... strange." She paused and studied the glass in her hand. "He gave me a necklace." Her words were soft. "I'm not sure how I feel about it." When she looked up at Kiera, she finally said softly, "And I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing, Kiera."

---

Something in her tone made Kiera sit up inside and take notice. She still sat comfortably curled in her chair, but her gaze sharpened as she listened to Nika's words. "What kinda necklace?" she asked lightly. She wasn't jealous; her relationship with Arden had been nothing but fun and mutual satisfaction, and Nika and he had had a longer and deeper thing. Nika's phrasing had been. . .strange and she found herself wanting to read the mind behind the blonde's beautiful and troubled face.

---

"A golden one," Nika replied, taking another swallow of the liquid in her cup. Glancing up at the doctor, she said thoughtfully. "I don't mind, but .... he's being real possessive. I finally got to the point with him where ... I can take the diamond off when I'm planning on seeing him, but... " She trailed off, not sure she had words to articulate her thoughts. "Takin' back up with him was something I wasn't plannin' on. And when it happened, it wasn't a bad thing. He's just real ... different... these days. I'm not sure I like how it feels, I guess."

---

Kiera inhaled, letting the exhale whistle from her lips. "Possessive?" she almost snapped. She bit her lips as her brows met. "Whaddya mean, take off the diamond when you see him?" she asked, softening her tone. "Why do ya gotta get rid of a memento to see him?"

---

Nika looked up and grinned a little. "Cuz I figured it was time I got on with my life, I guess. When I said I was willing to see if it'd work out, I didn't want ... baggage?" She paused, still not entirely sure the words were coming out right. It wasn't that she was hesitant to talk to Kiera, it seemed more that she wasn't sure what it was she wanted to say exactly.

---

"Sometimes you just gotta let go of the baggage," Kiera replied. A soft smile wandered over her lips and she nodded to the painting on the long wall by the bed. "There's some of my baggage. Not a lot of people paint theirs on the wall, but," and she shrugged self-consciously, "it was time to let go and remember the good times I actually had with Allan and how darn good they were. And not keep dwelling of the times I felt he had tainted and the future that I felt he had robbed me of." She took a sip of her drink and raised her eyebrows. "Looking back, don't even know if we'd a made it together long term. But it was easier to blame him then accept that. Easier than realizing that the future ain't never cut and dried and easy."

---

The blonde's shoulders slump a little in relief. "That." She sounded like a weight had lifted. "I will always love Brian Connelly, til the day I die. I don't know if we would have worked back then. Hell.... the man wants to talk when we all get back to Highgate, and.... I hope we can be friends again. If it turned into more than that, it would be because we started from scratch as friends. Too much time, too much water under the bridge, you know?" Nika paused. "And a part of me will always love Arden, too. I don't just quit lovin' people. It's ..... Maybe why I don't like lettin' too many people close." She bit her lip. "I'm startin' to think Arden wants way more'n I can give, though. Not cuz of Brian or any particular person, but.... he wants say over whether I take another lover." Then she shook her head. "No... not even that. That I could deal with. That he'd want input or to be talked to about it. It's.... that he wants me to ask permission. And it's rubbin' at me," she admitted. "It's... like wavin' a red flag at a bull.... I ain't even got any interest in havin' another lover right now. Who the hell has time? But part of me's going 'go out and find someone just to prove you don't have to ask anyone's permission for anything!'"

---

"Hell's bells and effen monkeys Nika! What kinda crap is that? Ask permission? To get another lover when you ain't even committed to him yet? Hmphff!" Kiera sat up, her feet hitting the floor as she leaned forward. "Are you two committed? I mean, if you're exclusive then I take all that back, but if you ain't, well girl unless you like having a master, then I don't see you asking permission for nuthin'." She grinned wickedly. "You're captain Nika. Tell him he needs your permission to climb up those long legs of yours."

---

"That's the thing," Nika replied, a faint flush crawling her features. "I did sorta... fall into this thing with him. And he asked for a commitment on that front. And I told him I could try. But .... I'm chafing at the language." She grimaced. "It's fun.... to not be in charge of stuff all the time." She looked back at her cup again. "Just ... not sure it can be kept strictly in the bedroom with him. He's already sorta manhandled it once, when I didn't want to come to Athens." The whole crew knew it when it happened, and Arden's challenge -- at least that's what it felt like to Nika -- about putting all the cards on the table about her own agenda and feelings still sort of stuck in her craw though she and Arden had dealt with that part. She finished the thought with, "I feel somewhat like I'm waitin' for the other shoe to drop."

---

The redhead studied her, her frown deepening. "Nika," she intoned gently, "a strong woman needs a strong man to be her protector, her shelter, her partner. He has to be strong enough that she can run to him when she needs help, strong enough to make her feel vulnerable, and most importantly, strong enough to let her be herself. Arden, as much as I adore him, is either trying to be what he thinks you want, or has decided that if he can't have you as he wants, he's gonna pretend that he can control you until you just kick free of the harness and get on with the business of being yourself. My guess is that you're gonna get tired of it long before he does."

---

Nika looked up. Kiera's words brought a pensive wrinkle to her brows, and she was quiet for a long time. "Seems like I got a bit of thinkin' to do," she observed. "Shooting your not-mom was a lot easier."

---

"Sometimes the answer is really clear, Nika." Although her expression was wry, her eyes glistened with sudden moisture. "Mother be damned, shoot the bitch before she gets away is sometimes the right answer." With a little shrug, she fell back against her chair. "Sometimes, the answer is as simple as "fuck this, I'm riding the cowboy." Her eyes strayed to the dolphins cavorting in the warm golds and roses of the sunset before straying to the sunrise with Allen's silhouette against the mountains. "Sometimes it's as easy as letting go and seeing what the Verse sends your way. Either way lady, you'll know."

---

Nika couldn't help but laugh softly. "I did that back on Boros, lady. Got to admit, Nate Bascomb was.... a pretty gorram amazin' cowboy." She waggled her brows and just laughed. Studying the picture on Kiera's wall Nika stood and shoved her hands into the back pockets of her slacks. "That's a really incredible image."

---

"Allan was not a handsome man, but he was built fine." Kiera rose to stand beside her. "That's the back pasture of the compound where he and I were bodyguards. We had made love all the night before. Sweet and magical and then we got it in our head to ride and watch the sun rise over the mountains. We made love under that tree I painted. But I remembered him best silhouetted against that light, watching the sun come. I killed him three nights later when he tried to kidnap the daughter. Found out he had been an inside plant. Long term plan to infiltrate and make a hell of a lot of cash from a wealthy, well-connected family. Allan never thought he'd fall in love with me. He always told me that I made him a better man. He shot to miss knowing I wouldn't. I just wish I'd made him as good as he said I did. I wasn't good enough to make him give up the plan and turn in the other conspirators. Just good enough to kill him." Her gaze fell to the floor before she looked again at the picture. "He mouthed that he loved me and then pulled the trigger. And I know he meant it. And that's what killed me. For a long time Nika. It was hard to get close to anyone. I just didn't do it. I couldn't take that chance again."

---

Nika was quiet for a long time before she sighed deeply. She finally replied slowly. "I never said it to Brian, back when I should have. He'd have stood by me all the way. He'd have left Harbinger with me if I'd let him. But I.... didn't really know then that what we had was so rare. Guess I been lookin' for it ever since, and not really willing to let anyone close enough to try to find it." She paused and studied the wall for another long moment. "The image I have in my head, the one I think of when I think of him.... is the way he looked standin' on the beach on Miranda. Demanding if I was finally comin' home, cuz if I wasn't... he was staying." She shook her head. "I've run from a lot of things over the years.... but I realized at that moment I didn't want to run from him. I wanted to see if what we had was the real deal." She smiled a little. "And then it all went to hell."

Turning to look at Kiera, Nika hugged her tightly. "The women on board this ship are seriously messed-up pieces of work, girl," she said on a soft, rueful chuckle. "Get some sleep, okay? Gonna be a long run to where we're going. But I'll get you there and back fast as I can so we can work on finding your mom. I promise."

---


Title comes from Daq Hammarskjold. "The longest journey of a person is the journey inward."




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